Disclaimer: Ugh. Time for another disclaimer I suppose. I haven't done one in a while. Okay, but is the LAST ONE. I hate them, which is why I only have two. I don't own anything. I own this computer, and that is about it. I do not own any of the Harry Potter characters (duh) they belong to J. K. Rowling. I also don't own X Men, (who are mentioned in this chapter) cuz if I did I'd have probably married Wolverine or Pyro by now. They belong to some comic book, I guess, not sure which one, maybe Marvel. Or is that just Spider-Man? Oh well.

A/N: WHOO! Chapter 10 is up! Yay we have made it to the double digits of chapters. This is MY LONGEST CHAPTER YET! Its 3,568 words, 8 pages! Whoo! Hope you like. Had to improvise the whole Malfoy Manor look, don't think I did that good a job. But I'M IN THIS CHAPTER!!!!

…

Snape glanced at the clock. 7:05. "We're late!"

"I know that, but I can't decide on which robes to wear!" Harry's voice whined from the bathroom. Snape hung his head, exasperated. "Might as well tell em' we aren't comin' tonight." Five agonizingly boring minutes later, Harry came out, robes and all. "Okay, I'm good. Let's go."

"Finally," Sirius mumbled. "Okay, ready?" Snape said raising his wand above his head. "Uh, Severus, what are you doing?" Harry asked. "I believe I was about to Apparate to Malfoy Manor, what are you doing?" Snape replied, sarcastically.

"We can't Apparate, I don't know how. I don't have my license yet." Harry said

"Well do you have any other better ideas?" Snape asked, impatiently.

"Floo Powder?"

"The Malfoy's only fireplace is under reconstruction. That would assuredly be a messy affair."

"Knight Bus?"

"Do you have any idea how much it costs for three wizards on the Knight Bus?!? And we're broke, as it were."

"Muggle transportation?" Harry attempted, as a feeble last try.

Snape scoffed. "That doesn't even deserve an answer," Snape was silent, thinking. "Okay, I have a plan. I'll attempt Side-Along Apparation. It is powerful magic that should Apparate us both. Kind of like the Incredible Night Crawler in X2: X Men United. Man that movie was so awesome! You remember the part when Magneto pulled the liquid metal from that guy's blood?! Haha, that was brilliant...that stupid bloke, he should have never trusted--"

"Ahem," Sirius said, clearing his throat, interrupting Snape. "Right. Sorry. Come here then Potter." Snape draped his arm around Harry's shoulder. "To Malfoy Manor," he said before they all disappeared, which was quite unnecessary, but hey, he felt like being dramatic.

...

They all landed with a thump in the wet grass, several feet outside the gates leading to Malfoy Manor. "Harry, you alright?" Sirius asked. "What?" Harry said, rather loudly. "I said, are you alright!" Sirius said louder, helping his godson to his feet. "Oh Gods," Sirius said when he looked at him. "Shit, great going 'Night crawler' look what you did to him!" Sirius shouted at Snape. "What?" Harry said again, looking at both of them. Snape looked, then groaned. Harry was missing an ear.

...

Twenty minutes later, Lucius the door to three exhausted looking men. Lucius looked them over. Sirius hair was tied back and he was wearing dark green robes. Snape was wearing dark blue robes with the Slytherin crest embodied on the front, and Harry's were a deep purple. There was something different about Harry, but Lucius couldn't quite put his finger on it. They all look perplexed. "You're late," Lucius said frowning. Lucius was wearing silk black robes, his hair tied in a black bow, (like in the CoS movie!)

"What?" Harry said. "Sorry, we Apparated and Harry lost his ear." Snape said sheepishly, pointing at the ear Harry was clutching tightly in his hand. "Yeah, and we found it three miles away in some Muggle family's soup. We had to Memory Charm the lot of them. And now we can't figure out how to get the ear back on." Sirius said. Lucius sighed. "Gimme the ear. And c'mere boy."

"What?" Harry asked again. Lucius grabbed the ear out of Harry's hand and put it near his mouth. "COME HERE HARRY!" he screamed into the ear. "Ow!" Harry cried, "Okay, okay, I'm coming."

Lucius was able to get the ear back on though, much to Lucius pleasure, it would only stay on crooked.

...

After the initial introductions and pre-dinner small talk, Narcissa pulled Snape to the side. "May I speak with you privately?" she inquired. "Uh sure," Snape said, not sure what to expect. Lucius, hearing his wife, said to Sirius. "Of course. Sirius, would you care to have a tour of the grounds?" Lucius pulled Sirius away, before even giving him chance to speak. Snape sent Sirius a sympathetic look, as Sirius gazed after him with a face that clearly said 'Help me.'

"What is it Narcissa? Is everything alright?" Snape asked once they were alone, "Is Lucius sniffing Pixie Sticks again?"

"No, no, it's nothing like that," she said smiling, "I just wanted to congratulate you on your marriage."

"Why?" Snape asked, suspiciously.

"Listen, I know my cousin, and--okay well I don't really know him at all," she said, seeing the look matter-of-fact Snape was casting her way, "He isn't blonde. That's just so odd! Lucius is blonde, Draco is blonde, the whole bloody family is but him! Ahem, anyway," she said, blushing at her outburst, "I'm a woman, I know instincts and I wanted to congratulate you and give you my blessing. I may not like my cousin, but I can tell by the way he looks at you that he cares about you very much." she said softly, he eyes locking with Snape's. Snape snorted. "Have you not noticed? His eyes follow you wherever you go, and he never lets you out of his sight." she replied. "Or maybe he does that because he feels I can't be trusted. You ever think of that?" Snape returned quietly. "Severus, denial is not just a river in Egypt you know." Narcissa pointed out.

"Sometimes the Ministry really knows what they're doing..." she said, turning to leave, throwing him a knowing glance over her shoulder.

...

Out in the courtyard with Sirius, Lucius was thinking about having a talk, like the one Narcissa gave to Snape, to Sirius as well. And he was truly was going to do it too. But being a lazy half-arse job kind of wizard, he decided against it, preferring to brag about his great wealth... Instead, he waited till Sirius turned around, before stepping into the shadows. Lucius raised a blue Pixie Stick to his nostril and sniffed deeply, his pupils dilating. "Oh yeah, that's the good stuff." he said, before beginning to cackle madly, which also succeeded in severely freaking Sirius out.

...

Harry and Draco were somewhere upstairs in a broom closet snogging, completely forgotten about.

...

One hour later...

They were all seated in the Malfoy's dining room. 'Dining hall was more like it.' Sirius thought, looking around. It was enormous. It was as big as the dining room at Hogwarts, if not larger. On the ceiling was a mural of Salazar Slytherin himself. Green and silver were everywhere you looked, from the carpet to the drapes, to the champagne glasses. The vast table was a thick-type of wood, with hand carved pictures that moved. A snake-picture slithered past Sirius, hissing at him. "He said hello," Harry said, indicating the snake-carving. "Tell him I say hi back then," Sirius said sarcastically, as Harry proceeded to have a Parsel Tongue conversation with the table. At least ten house elves scurried around the room, serving dinner on the solid gold plates, trying to stay out of range of Lucius's cane.

"So Sirius, do tell us, what is it you do?" Narcissa said. As Sirius proceeded to describe his job, he noticed that Harry and Draco were playing footsie under the table, and averted his eyes down to the table, feeling physically ill. "That's fantastic!" Lucius squealed, over enthusiastically and sounding slightly high. "Are you happy working at the Quibbler?" Lucius asked, pretending to sneeze into his cupped hands while really sniffing an orange Pixie Stick.

Sirius looked up, pushing his black cowboy hat out of his eyes with the tip of his thumb, and propped his cowboy boots on the table, leaning back in his chair. He took one last drag on his cigarette, before crushing it out on the back of his boot. "Well it's like they say back where I come from," Sirius said, in a thick southern accent, "Save a Horse, Ride a Cowboy." he said, looking at Lucius smiling. A second later he was back in his normal clothes, and his normal self. "What the bloody hell?!?!?!!" he spat. He turned behind him to see the Author standing in the corner, giggling holding a wand that was still-smoking from the Imperius curse. She blew him a kiss, then vanished instantly. "That was weird," Snape said, watching Sirius putting his head in his hands. "I will," Lucius said, replying to Sirius's previous statement, growling at him. A second later, Lucius's face looked disgusted. "I CANNOT believe I just said that! INCEST! INCEST!" he cried. "This is sick. Before you know it, I'll be hitting on Draco!"

"Not if I do it first!" Harry cried, running to Draco. "Hey Sexy Thang!" Harry cat-called, slapping Draco on the arse. Lucius sighed. "Maybe we just shouldn't talk..." he said. They were all silent for about half a minute before Snape broke the silence. "Wanna find out why me Roger is so jolly?" Snape said, dressed as a Jack Sparrow look alike, winking at Sirius. Sirius couldn't help but smile and raise his eyebrows suggestively. "WTF!" Snape cried, whirling around to see the Author, as Harry gasped at Snape's language, automatically covering Draco's ears. "Harry, stop it!" Draco shouted, pushing his hands off his ears.

"Ta!" she said, mocking a salute at Snape and bowing, before she was gone again. Sirius cocked an eyebrow. "Okay maybe we should--" he said, before getting cut off. "Good 'ay mates!" Lucius said, in a perfectly good Australian accent. "Wanna have a go on my boomerang?" he said, grinning. Draco shuddered. "Oh My Gods, she got him too?" Sirius said, looking around for the young woman. "No," Narcissa said sighing "This is just the way he is." she said, flagging down a house elf, and demanding a scotch.
...

Several minutes later, after everyone had calmed down a bit, Lucius turned to Harry. "So Harry, how's the whole trying-to-vanquish-the-Dark-Lord thing going?" he asked, attempting to make conversation. "Better than you'd expect actually," he said, digging into his roast beef, "Severus, being a spy for the Order and all, has told me all of his evil plans, so I out to be able to stop him next time." Lucius took a sip of from his glass. "Well that's nice." he said, cheerily. "What do you plan on doing after you've defeated him?"

"Funny you should ask." Harry replied, in a childlike voice, filled with excitement. "Well actually I plan on becoming the Supreme Magical Ruler of the World. I even have the crown and everything," he said, pulling out one of those cheapo cardboard Burger King crowns that come with kids' meals, and put it on his head lopsided, grinning like a fool. "And my first act as the Supreme Magical Ruler of the World, or SMROW as I like to call it for short, will be to forcedly make all monkeys wear tiny hats...I believe they shouldn't be allowed to live in such hatless sin." he finished, shaking his head sadly.

"And that day will be soon...Because what's even better is," Harry continued, his voice growing serious, "I know where Lord Voldemort is hiding." he said, so dramatically you could almost hear the dramatic music in the background. "Oh everyone knows where that is," Lucius said, bored. "He's right over there." he said gesturing lazily across the room.

Across the room, Voldemort rose from crouching behind the small cabinet he'd been unsuccessfully trying to conceal himself with, thought it was only less than half his height. "Damn it, you found me. Okay, let me hide again. And NO peeking!" he cried. A second later he was on the other side of the room with a lampshade over his head. "I am a lamp. I am lamp." he muttered to himself. "Well that's no better!" Harry called, "And besides lamps don't talk."

"Silence you fool!" Voldemort cried, thunder sounding throughout the room "I am Lord Voldemort! Fear me and the wrath you have evoked upon yourself! You shall pay!" he cried, a cloud of smoke encircling him with another crack of thunder. A second later the smoke cleared, revealing Voldemort hacking his lungs out, waving smoke out off his face, while shaking large pieces of tin foil (the thunder) "Okay, that didn't work out quite as I expected, let me give that another try." Voldemort pulled out a small book titled "Being Evil by Britney Spears" and he skimmed through it thoughtfully.

"Okay, let's do this again." Voldemort said, closing the book, then commencing to laugh an evil, blood chilling laugh, once again vanishing in smoke. When the smoke cleared, the others saw Voldemort at the door, his hand on the door knob, about to exit. "Dammit!" Voldemort cursed, letting go of the door. "I almost made it that time too." Voldemort scowled. "Alright, let's pretend you can't see me, and I'm going to leave..." Voldemort said, heading towards the door. He stopped, "Well since you can't see me..." he said, approaching the table. He grabbed a large plate of red Jell-o and poured the whole thing down his pants. "Hehe! That feels funny." he said giggling, and left. A second later, he popped his head back in the doorway. "Oh and Harry, the blasted mailman keeps sending me your mail. I'll be sure to have him tortured and killed....and I'll send you your issues of CosmoGirl too." he said, before leaving for good. "I need a smoke," he muttered.

...

The rest of the dinner went well, as they found a better subject to discuss. Quidditch! And this kept the dinner nice and normal for the rest of the evening as they all finished eating (Most of them had been too busy previously to actually eat the dinner) "Well we really should be going..." Snape said, after they had all finished.

...

"So what'd you think of the Malfoys?" Snape asked. "That Lucius is a real nut-job," Harry said, saying nut-job in a very high-pitched mocking voice. "Yeah, he's a real screwball." Sirius added. "Ummm, guys, you're not home yet. You're still here...sitting at our table in fact." Narcissa interjected, as Lucius stormed from the room crying. "Right." Sirius said, all of them feeling embarrassed. Snape sighed, and threw his napkin down on the table. "I'll go get him."

...

After straightening things out with Lucius and deciding to stay a little while longer for drinks, everyone found themselves outside on the patio. Snape and Sirius (being recovering alcoholics after all) only sipped at their wine. Narcissa was in the corner with Sirius, and was, unwillingly on his part, being roped into conversation. Harry and Draco stood at the balcony together, holding hands very discreetly. "Psssst, Severus," Lucius said, gesturing with a nod of his head towards the dining room as he turned to go.

"Thanks for coming with me. Narcissa never lets me leave 'unsupervised.' She says I can't be trusted or some such nonsense." He said, pulling a yellow Pixie Stick out of his robe pocket and inhaling deeply. "You know you were supposed to quit," Snape said, dryly. "I can't!" Lucius cried, hugging the stick to his chest protectively, "They are utterly addictive. I bloody tried, but anyone who says tobacco is addictive has obviously never sniffed one of these babies," he said. "Screw that, this is like a drug in itself. Just don't tell anyone I haven't quit. Especially Draco. He still hasn't gotten the concept of 'Do as I say, not as I do,' down yet. You have no idea how hard it is to raise children and be a role model," Lucius said, finishing up the stick.

"No I don't, and I hope I never have to if I can help it," Snape said frowning. "What do you mean 'and I hope I never have to if I can help it," Lucius said, imitating his friend's serious voice. "It's not like anyone is forcing you to have kids." Lucius said, scoffing. "Well actually..." Snape said, as he went on to tell him what Fudge had said to him and Sirius. Lucius let out a kind of laugh-gasp, which is pretty hard to accomplish. "He-He wants you to be a MOTHER!" Lucius said, trying to talk through his bout of laughter. "You'd probably smash the kid's head in if he breathed in your direction! Besides, how does he expect you guys to have children, eh?"

"I can explain that!" Fudge said in a delighted voice, apparating instantly in front of them, puppets in hand. "Have you been watching us the whole time?" Snape asked incredulously. "Yeah, pretty much." Fudge replied.

"Did you also see when Lord Voldemort interrupted our dinner? And if so, why didn't you people at the Ministry get off your lazy arses and do something!" Snape shouted. "Er, no, I must have been in the bathroom at the time." Fudge admitted sheepishly. "Typical," Snape muttered under his breath.

"How did you apparate here? No one can apparate directly into Malfoy Manor, I made sure of that." Lucius said, astonished.

"Well, er, we're all powerful! And plus I can do anything I'm Superman!" Fudge cried, blowing a miniature cape taped to his back in a rather messy fashion. "Whoosh."

"That is ridiculous. You are not Superman!" Snape cried.

"Wait, wait." Lucius said. "I'll find out whether he is or not. I have my ways..." he said, smiling.

"Are you Superman?"

"Yes."

"Really?"

"Yes."

"Really really?"

"Yes."

"Really really really?"

"Yes."

"Hmmmm....well I'm convinced, but for Severus's sake, I'm going to have to ask you some questions. What is your real name, 'Superman'?"

"Clark Kent."

"Okay he checks out," Lucius said, turning to Snape.

"That's absurd!," Snape spluttered. "Any fan of Superman would know his real name and--"

But Lucius was already kneeling and bowing down to Fudge. "Oh mighty Superman," Lucius was saying. "Just call me Fudge." Fudge said smiling. Snape just looked at them sadly, with a look that clearly said 'I'm surrounded by idiots,'

"But that's not the reason I'm here," Fudge said, as Lucius rose to his feet. "I'm here to answer your question. Meet Sirius and Severus," he said, making the puppets wave as their names were called. "And this time you're going to see it all!"

...

A half hour later...

Snape didn't move, not sure whether to throw up or to laugh or both. Lucius's eyes were as big as dinner plates. "I learned so much..." he said in an awed voice. Sirius, who had walked in about halfway through to make sure Lucius hadn't killed Snape and escaped half way to Mexico now, just stood there, his mouth agape. "Did you have to show us in such great detail!" Sirius exclaimed, shocked. "Especially the sound effects!" Snape added. Harry looked quite pale and Draco was shuddering. They had walked in only a few minutes after Sirius had. At some point, Narcissa had walked in to see what all the fuss was about, then promptly turned right around and left, screaming. "I'll never look at Sirius and Sev the same way ever again," Draco said. "Yes, I think that we will both spend countless galleons on therapy because of this..." Harry agreed. "Tell me about it," Snape said. "You're preaching to the choir guys, we know." Sirius added.

...

"You all have to come to our house for dinner some time," Sirius said, shocked to hear the words coming out of his mouth. 'But hell, this isn't the weirdest thing tonight by far.' he thought.

"Oh yes, that would be lovely!" Narcissa said, looking genuinely pleased. "Sounds great," Lucius said, "I'll be in touch." "Did I just make friends with Malfoys?" he asked, once they were out of ear shot and several yards away from the castle. "Looks like it," Snape said, smirking, preparing to Disapparate. This time Harry threw both is heads over his ears, as if to hold them on.

Harry managed to get home with all his body parts intact. 'Hey you know what?" he said suddenly, once they were all inside. "I just realized. Why didn't we just make a Portkey then?"

"Oh and you think of this now, why? Now, after we hunted all over town for your bloody ear?!? Now that we're home you think of that."

"Oh bugger off. At least you got to be like Night Crawler. Except for his character is lame! He's incredibly boring." Harry said.

"That is not true!" Snape gasped.

"He hardly even had a part in the movie at all."

"Well that's because the writers suck."

"No it's because HE does, Storm is the best!"

"NO, Night Crawler is!"

"Storm!"

"Night Crawler!"

"Storm!"

"Night Crawler!"

"STORM!"

"NIGHT CRAWLER!"

"Stop it!" Sirius said, interjecting. "Stop acting like two petty children. For shame." Snape and Harry both hung their heads, ashamed. Everyone was silent for a moment. "Besides. Wolverine is the best, we all know that!"

"No, it's Storm!"

"Night Crawler!"

"Wolverine!"

...

An hour or two later, and everyone is getting ready for bed...

"Night Crawler" Snape called from the bathroom, where he was brushing his teeth.

"Wolverine." Sirius called back, while pulling on the boxers he slept in.

Snape emerged from the bathroom. "Truce? Wolverine is pretty awesome with those knife-claws."

"Truce. And Night Crawler has those wicked tattoos."

Snape paused. "You know, you didn't look half bad as cowboy," he said, grinning. Snape ducked the pillow that was thrown at him, and it hit a lamp instead. "I was just saying..." Snape muttered, smirking, getting into bed.

A/N: Does anyone else feel like screaming kiss damn you?! ::stops throwing popcorn at screen and turns around:: So waddya think? I was gonna make it way longer, but it is late, and I think I'll leave you hanging for a while. It is like 3 am and I am quite tired.

And I am totally 100 % on Sirius's side here, (as I always am)...Wolverine rules! I love Hugh Jackman. Snuck into the theater and saw half of Van Helsing, and it was frigging AWESOME! Not you know plot wise or cinematography wise, but you know hot lead guy wise. Can't wait till it comes to DVD and I can see the rest. Did you know he's AUSTRALIAN?!? Totally weird.

And for the record, they don't say Save a Horse, Ride a Cowboy where Sirius comes from (which I assume is England) It's a very good, country song that I'm listening to as we speak. Save a Horse, Ride a Cowboy by Big and Rich. Very dirty thought, as you can guess by the title. And I could not resist making Sirius a cowboy ::sighs happily:: nor could I resist making Snape a pirate (like Johnny Depp, HOTTIE) nor Lucius Australian like Keith Urban…and Hugh Jackman too I suppose.