Warnings: coarse language, possibly? Other than that, nothing comes to mind!

Also, please note that the estimated chapters for this fic has changed from 12 to 13! I just couldn't fit everything I wanted into those final two chapters, so they're being split into 3!

PS - I am so sorry about the text conversation format here. All text conversations are in italics. I've used underlines to signify where Bellamy is typing. The format got changed as I uploaded the chapter! If you'd like to see it formatted how I intended it to be, please go check out this fic on my AO3 (I'm Pawprinter over there).

I hope you enjoy this angst-filled chapter!

Chapter 10: The Decision

June 19

They were back to square one. Clarke hadn't seen Bellamy all day and it was driving her wild. Her mind was swimming with terrible thoughts of what he was thinking and how she had messed it up. All she wanted was to see him, to talk to him and reassure herself that they would be okay.

Please don't tell me I screwed up.

Gods, that was the second last thing she wanted. How ironic was that; she was scared she screwed things up by trying not to screw things up.

The very last thing she wanted was to hurt Bellamy. She wanted to protect him and bring him as much happiness as she could. She wanted to spend the rest of her life making him laugh. All she managed to do was to push him away, it seemed.

Somehow, she managed to screw up all of those things in one night.

She pulled out her phone and opened their chat history. She read their last string of texts from earlier that morning.

Even his contact name brought a little pang of hurt to her heart. Bellamy had stolen her phone only a few days ago and switched his contact name from Baguette to Fiancé, along with a handful of heart emojis. Once she realized what he did, she couldn't bring it in herself to change it back.

Fiancé fit him, in a strange way. More so than Baguette, which had become an inside joke between the two of them during their first week of living together. He was her fiancé. She was going to marry him the next day.

Fiancé: I left you some cut fruit I didn't finish. It's in the fridge.

Clarke: Thank you.

Clarke: You're already at work?

Fiancé: Yes.

Clarke: I didn't hear you leave in the morning.

Clarke: I wanted to catch you before you left.

Fiancé: Oh. Sorry. Early shift.

Clarke: No need to apologize. I'm sorry I missed you.

Clarke: Did you want to do dinner tonight?

Fiancé: Can't. The guys are doing something for me.

Fiancé: I thought Octavia was throwing you a bachelorette party too?

Clarke: If you consider watching rom-coms a bachelorette party, then yes.

Clarke: You sure we can't see each other tonight?

Fiancé: I don't think so.

Clarke: Alright.

Clarke: Are we good?

Fiancé: Of course. Why wouldn't we be?

Clarke: You know why.

Fiancé: Do I?

Clarke: Bellamy.

Fiancé: Break is almost over. I'll be home late.

Fiancé: We can talk then?

Clarke: I'd like that.

Clarke: Thank you.

Clarke: Have fun tonight.

Fiancé: Yeah. You too.

Clarke sighed and tapped along the edge of her phone.

Enough was enough. She was just going to text him.

Clarke began typing. I'm sorry about last night. For what it's worth, I wanted my answer to be no, too. I didn't want those to just be for practice. I really freaking wanted to kiss you. I like kissing you. I just think it would be best if we kept things how they are, you know? Platonic is best. It's safe. It's what we know. I just don't want to screw this up. We're going to get married. We're going to try to adopt Madi. Too many things are at risk to start changing. I hope you understand.

Clarke chewed her lip as she read over her text. Deciding against it, she quickly erased it and began typing again. I wanted to talk to you about last night. I never had any intentions of hurting you, but I think I have. I'm so sorry. I wish

Groaning, she erased that message too. Why was this so impossible? Why was it so hard to find the right words?

Just as she erased the final word, the dreaded ellipsis appeared beside his name. Her heart froze in her chest as she waiting for the new text from Bellamy to appear.

Fiancé: Night ended early. Monty accidentally broke the Wii.

Fiancé: I'll head to Murphy's for a while.

Clarke: We're almost done.

Clarke: Pretty sure the main character will end up either married to or engaged to the guy by the end of this movie.

Clarke: Nothing ground-breaking.

Fiancé: OK.

Clarke: You can come home if you want?

Clarke: I was hoping to talk?

Fiancé: Right.

Fiancé: Yeah, sure.

Fiancé: I'll be home in 30.

She wanted to cry. He sounded so distant in his texts and it hurt. Gods, she had screwed up so bad and she couldn't find the right words to make things better. Their wedding was tomorrow and he was hurt.

Why did she pull away? Why did she tell him their kisses meant nothing?

Well, she knew why. But she felt like she was lost with that answer. Why did she feel like she had to choose family over Bellamy?

"You're not even watching the movie," Harper pointed out, her head nestled against Clarke's shins. She had decided the floor would be more comfortable than all four of them squishing onto Bellamy and Clarke's couch and opted for the ground.

"She's texting her fiancé," Raven teased, leaning over to read Bellamy's contact name. Clarke stuffed her phone between her legs, keeping it away from prying eyes.

"Leave her alone," Octavia ordered. She didn't look too impressed by Raven peering over Clarke's shoulder. "This is her party. If she wants to spend it texting my brother, then by all means."

Harper pouted. "But it's her last night as a free lady."

"I'm not going to jail," Clarke pointed out. "I mean… I get it. I get the point of these parties, I really do. I'm just not feeling it." She shrugged.

She never felt trapped with the prospect of marry Bellamy anyways. Maybe it was because she knew what they had was all made-up and she knew they would both slip out eventually. Maybe it was because she really wanted this. Plus, in that moment, all she wanted to do was to talk to Bellamy and figure whatever this was out.

"You've been acting off all night," Raven said slowly. She eyed Clarke suspiciously. "Is everything okay?"

Gods. How come every time someone asked 'are you okay?' things would suddenly feel a lot worse? It was almost like concern was the key to unlocking all the pent up emotions that she was trying to bury.

With Raven's words, Clarke felt like she could burst into tears at any second. She pressed her lips together tightly and set her jaw.

"I'm fine."

"Whoa." Raven sat up straighter, suddenly tuned-in to Clarke's emotional turmoil. "I don't think you're fine."

"I am." Clarke's voice croaked. She laughed and pinched the bridge of her nose, desperate to contain her emotions. She was fine. She didn't need to be upset. No. No, things were just fine.

Gods, she couldn't even lie to herself about that. Things were not fine. Hurting Bellamy was the last thing she wanted to do, yet there she was.

"Do I need to go yell at him?" Raven asked, reaching for Clarke's arm in a sign of support. "I will. You know I will."

"No." Clarke forced out a thin smile. "It's not him. Trust me. Bellamy's great."

The room was silent for a moment as Clarke tried to steady herself. She tried to convince herself that things were fine, but she knew the truth.

"Alright." Octavia climbed up from the couch, taking control of the situation. "I'd say this party is over."

Octavia paced in front of Clarke, her lip between her teeth. Clarke sat on the couch, her head resting between her hands.

"I'm sure he's not mad at you," Octavia finally said. "He's just… confused."

"I'm confused."

She gave her a look. "I'd say." She blew out a breath of air. "Okay. Well… Shit, I don't know."

"Neither do I." Clarke pressed her fingers gently into her temples, massaging away the headache that was blossoming. "I just know I screwed up. I just totally bailed on him – on us."

"Run me through it one more time," the younger Blake asked.

Clarke was long past the point of awkwardness when discussing making out with her brother. The prospect of discussing that with his little sister never even phased her. "We were kissing and fell onto the floor. I… Well… I don't remember. Did he kiss me first? Damn it." She closed her eyes, trying to remember. "He kissed me. I kissed him. It was good – really good. And when we fell to the floor, it was like I remembered what was at stake. He asked me if these were practice kisses like the last time. I said yes and I left."

"Ouch."

"I know," she whimpered. "To make it even worse, he told me he hoped my answer would be no. He straight-up told me that he didn't want those to be only for practice. And I didn't respond to him! All I did was go to sleep." She laughed dryly. "Like I actually got any sleep after that."

Octavia sucked in a painful breath. "Right. Okay." She rubbed her hands together. "When you say at stake, what do you mean?"

"I mean we're just friends. We've always just been friends." Clarke looked confused. Weren't all of the risks they were taking obvious to Octavia?

She cocked an eyebrow. "Monty and Harper were friends for years before they started dating, just like you two. That didn't stop them from trying to date. Look at them now – they've been together for years."

Clarke relented, "okay, yeah, you're right." She rubbed her face. "But we're getting married tomorrow. That adds so much complexity to things."

"I'm pretty sure if both of you have fallen in love with each other, it would be classified as a good thing before marriage. I don't see how that would complicate things, other than maybe you two figuring out your relationship while being married. It would just be like you skipped the front part of your relationship."

"Right. So simple," Clarke said dryly. She had to admit, Octavia did have a point. They would figure it out together. It would just be like diving right in instead of taking their time with their relationship and dating. "Well, we have Madi to think about. The adoption. That's too important to risk."

Octavia looked puzzled. "Wouldn't her two adoptive parents being in love be pretty cool? I mean, she would have a great life with the two of you either way, but… Seeing your parents in love is something different." Octavia shrugged. "I don't know. I just know that I never had that. Don't get me wrong, my life was pretty freaking great without that and I'm not saying I needed that as a kid – not at all. My mom was fantastic and Bellamy was all I needed in my life. We had so much love between the three of us. But, of course, I always wondered what my life would've been like if my dad stuck around. I wondered what it would've been like if my parents loved each other."

"It's different."

"I know. I'm sorry if I'm making it sound like my situation is similar to yours in anyway. I just meant that I don't think seeing parents in love would be viewed as a bad thing, you know? Especially with the two of you. You two are Bellamy and Clarke." Like that explained anything.

"Well, what would happen if Bellamy and I didn't work out? We would be married. We would share a kid. It would get messy and complicated with a breakup."

Octavia laughed. "Messy and complicated with Bellamy? Clarke. You're acting like you don't even know him."

She pulled a face. "What does that mean?"

"You know Bellamy better than that. You know your friendship better than that. You're not giving yourselves enough credit." Octavia sat down beside Clarke, a soft expression on her face. "Do you honestly see there ever being a problem between the two of you if things didn't work out romantically?"

"Well…" Clarke barely had to think about it. They had been friends for years. She doubted that their bond could ever break – especially from a relationship. They could be stronger than that. "No. Not really." She couldn't see a world where things would go so far south that their friendship would be ruined. Sure, things might be awkward and tense at first, but she doubted she would ever stop being friends with Bellamy.

"None of Bellamy's breakups are ever messy," Octavia pointed out. "And could you see there actually being problems between the two of you regarding Madi?" Octavia didn't give Clarke time to answer. "I don't think so. You guys are literally going into this marriage and this adoption as friends. You just told me that if things don't work out romantically for the both of you, you would still be friends. So… how would only being friends negatively impact things?"

"Well… I mean… I don't know the future for certain. Maybe I'm wrong. Maybe if something happens with Bellamy and I with a relationship and things don't work out, our friendship would be impacted?"

"Clarke, I could say that about anything. How do you know something won't happen to your friendship now – without even adding a romantic relationship? There's no way to tell. You just have to go with your gut. Do you think things would deteriorate so fast between the two of you that it would impact Madi?"

She didn't have to think about it. "No."

The answer was simple. This was Bellamy she was talking about. He sacrificed his whole childhood to raise Octavia. He was the guy who volunteered with children on the weekends to teach them how to read. This was the guy who had bonded with Madi without a question. He cared about children so much, and she had no doubts in her mind that he wouldn't put any kid through pain. He would never put Madi in a negative situation if something did happen between them.

Even if things did go wrong with them, Bellamy wouldn't want it to touch Madi.

Clarke's head fell into her hands. It felt like the weight of the world crashed onto her shoulders. "Oh my gods. I screwed up."

Octavia kept talking. "I mean, I'm not super smart or anything, so I could be wrong, but… Maybe you're scared of something else? Logically, it doesn't make sense to be hung up on Bellamy and what would happen to Madi and being trapped in a marriage, because you know yourself and you know my brother."

"You think there's something else I'm scared of?" Clarke prompted. Octavia shrugged and stood up from the couch.

"Maybe it's the fact that you're falling in love with the man you're marrying," she pointed out.

Clarke swallowed thickly. "I'm not. We're friends." Octavia gave her a pointed look. "I don't love him."

"You do," Octavia supplied. "You two have been friends for years; you already love him in some way. Maybe this whole fake relationship thing was just the tiny push you needed to realized there should be something more?"

Clarke was silent for a long moment. "You think I'm developing feelings for Bellamy?"

Octavia snickered. "Clarke. You're way past that point."

"Wait, you-"

"Hey, princess. Octavia." Clarke jolted as Bellamy's voice drifted in to the living room. She spun around and seen he was slipping off his shoes in the doorway. Gods she barely even heard him unlock the door.

"Bellamy. Hi," she stuttered. Her heart had suddenly dropped to her stomach. Now was the time to talk to him. Now was her chance to make things right.

Gods, what could she even say to him? I'm sorry? We shouldn't have done that? I shouldn't have run off?

Octavia turned to Clarke, a thin smile on her face. "You good?"

No.

"Yes."

She tried to tune Octavia and Bellamy out as they had a brief discussion in the hallway. Clarke cupped her hands over her forehead and sucked in a few deep breaths. Please. Sort out your thoughts.

What she told Octavia was true. She didn't want to hurt their friendship and she didn't want to jeopardize their family. Falling in love with him was too complicated.

She didn't want to risk hurting him. She didn't want to risk their family.

If she was being honest, she didn't want to risk anything. Things were good now – did she really want to jeopardize that? Even if those chances were small?

No.

"Do you want anything to eat?" Bellamy asked as soon as Octavia had closed the door behind her. Clarke shook her head no. "Oh, okay. Uh. Cool." She could hear him shifting awkwardly by the kitchen door, hovering.

"You can sit, if you want," she offered, turning back to face him. He had his hands buried deep in his pockets and his cheeks were puffed. He nodded stiffly and moved to sit on the couch.

It was familiar, but there was so much tension between the two of them. He was looking anywhere except at her. She was trying to sort out her thoughts. She felt like she could get sick, she was so nervous.

"I don't know what to say," Clarke admitted after a long moment. Bellamy's gaze met hers. "I… uh… I wanted to talk about yesterday."

Bellamy pressed his lips tightly together. "Don't worry about it. I got it. It was all just practice." She could feel his hurt. Her heart clenched painfully in response.

"It wasn't just practice to me," she said slowly, her eyes never leaving his. His eyes widened slightly as she spoke, showing his surprise. "I was kissing you to kiss you, Bellamy. I really freaking wanted to kiss you." She swallowed thickly. She was laying all of her emotions on the table now. It was tough. "Saying it was just for practice was an asshole move. I… I didn't mean it."

"But you said it."

"I only did because I'm terrified of what it means and confused." Clarke rubbed her palms against the tops of her jeans, wicking away the clamminess. "I like kissing you, Bellamy. I like kissing you when it's practice for the wedding. I like kissing you when it isn't practice for the wedding."

She was silent as she tried to collect her thoughts. Bellamy took it as a queue for him to speak. "I like kissing you too, Clarke. A lot." She tried to ignore the way her heart skipped a beat at his words. "I mean, I'm scared too. Kissing you… a relationship… It's taking a huge leap. It's terrifying."

"That's why I pulled away," Clarke said. "Because I'm scared. It's just… so much is hanging in the balance right now."

"Yeah."

"And I don't know if it's the right choice to risk anything because I like kissing you." She swallowed. Gods, she hoped she was making things better and not worse in that moment. "Things could go so wrong between us if things changed, and we have all of these plans; plans that rely on us being in a good place. What if that changes? What if we aren't in a good place anymore?"

"Right."

"Not introducing that change brings a level of safety. It's not risking anything because we're sticking to our plan. Get married as friends. Adopt Madi as friends. Start a family as friends. Changing our relationship could change all of that!"

"Sure."

Clarke rubbed her face. "I don't know what I think anymore." Her voice was muffled by her fingers. "I don't know, Bellamy."

He was silent. "I know."

"I think it's best if we kept things how they are. That was the deal. This is the safest bet. I… I don't want to risk our plans because I like kissing you or you like kissing me or whatever." The words felt heavy on her tongue. She felt like her heart was frozen. "If the circumstances were different… If it was a different time…" She wet her lips and tried to find the right words. "I want to focus on our family. I don't want to risk it."

Change was always terrifying, and a change in their relationship wasn't an exception. They were supposed to get married as friends; it was petrifying to think of them being anything more than that.

"If that's what you want, then that's what we will do," Bellamy said after a long moment. Clarke looked at him, her expression distraught. His face softened. "Hey. It's okay."

"No, it isn't. I screwed everything up. Things are so complicated."

"No. Really, Clarke. I'm pretty sure it takes two people to get into this position," he pointed out. "Everything will be okay. We'll just go with the plan. We're friends. We'll get married as friends."

She nodded her head stiffly. "Thank you," she said. He smiled softly at her in return.

If that's what she wanted, then why did she feel so disappointed?

I hope Clarke's actions are understandable in this chapter. When I originally posted this on AO3, some people were a little confused over her motivations. I feel like I worded her motivations well in a response to a comment on AO3, so I will copy and paste what I had there.

"I tried to base her off of the characterization in season 5, but with more clear romance for Bellamy. To me, that meant her wanting to be with Bellamy and to be in love with him, but putting Madi as her priority. As we have seen in season 5, she continuously places the safety of Madi over everything else, including Bellamy."

I hope that provides some clarification needed for those reading!

Thank you all for the reviews! I adore reading them.

The next chapters are the wedding! And did I mention it's a double post day! Yay!