Chapter 10:
(Season 2, Episode 14)
All in all, Tyler has to admit that he's relieved that the werewolves are sticking around for a little longer. He really did not want to pack up and leave town, tempting as the thought is sometimes.
Of course, the thought usually includes a lot more of him and Jeremy on a deserted beach somewhere, sipping rum and watching each other tan, and less of hanging out in an old trailer in the woods with a bunch of mangy murderers.
But there's always a catch, because, "We need you to help us find the moonstone," Brady says, and Tyler jumps on that because maybe finally someone will take him out of the dark as far as all these spells and magical rocks are concerned.
"Werewolf domination," the new kid says, and Tyler sighs because he already knows this guy is going to be a pain in his ass. What kind of a name is Stevie, anyway?
And of course Elena's mixed up in all this, because she always, always seems to be right in the middle whenever anything horrible happens in Mystic Falls. Tyler's mind jumps to Jeremy, wonders what Jeremy knows and what Jeremy hasn't told him, wonders how much more danger he's putting Jeremy in with everything he lets slip.
Caroline's got to have the answers, but she won't talk to him and that's Tyler's own goddamn fault too. Tyler knows he's not going to make it any better by stealing her phone, but it's like his fingers move too fast for his mind to register, or maybe that's just what he's trying to convince himself.
Meanwhile, Matt's misreading things, but the way he says "Stop. Lying" strikes somewhere deep in Tyler, under his breastbone, and it hurts. Suddenly, he wishes he could tell Matt everything, confide in him and be his best friend the way he used to before talking about your feelings made you less of a man.
As Matt walks away, Tyler knows with sudden clarity that he's going to lose everything unless he does something about it. And fast.
So he tells them where to find Elena, feeling like he's drowning there among the trees. Maybe, he thinks, if he's understanding the curse correctly, this is the smarter option. He's got a better chance of protecting Elena against two and a half wolves (Stevie barely counts) than against a bunch of super old vampires, and besides, Stefan will be there, and Tyler knows he'll die before he lets them touch Elena. And they haven't been able to kill him yet.
xXx
Bonnie calls and Jeremy jumps at the chance for a distraction, anything to get him out of the house and out of his own mind for a few hours. Also, though, he is rather pleased to be asked, to be considered cool or savvy enough to participate in the latest step of whatever plan they're clinging to these days.
"How does this work?" he asks Bonnie, wondering self-pityingly if he'll ever really be in the loop or if he'll always just be the guy who's good for carting candles and bodies around.
At least, he thinks, Tyler's finally started being honest with him. He wants to ask Caroline about him, find out if she knows what Jeremy knows, but he stops himself. Even if that wouldn't make Caroline look at him weird, now is really not the time.
xXx
"You up for this?" Brady asks, and Tyler knows what the right answer is, but he hesitates.
He knows that Elena's aligned herself with Stefan and Damon, he knows that Damon killed Mason. There are so many figures, so much logic in his head, but Tyler feels like he doesn't know anything at all.
But, "Yes," he answers Brady, trying to make his voice sound firm, trying to will his hands not to shake even a little bit when Brady talks about what will happen if he wusses out. As Brady drones on, Tyler can feel himself being pulled deeper and deeper, under the weight of all the expectation hanging off him: protect Elena, keep Jeremy safe, don't let anyone else die.
Please, God, he thinks, praying to a place that's been ignored and kept empty for years, if it was ever full at all, please don't let anyone else die.
Because sometimes, Tyler is afraid that he likes the red hot flash of blood too much, afraid that if he lets it, death will consume him.
Then he tells himself to pull it together, stop acting like the brooding hero of some melodramatic teen movie. He's going to have to get himself together to stay afloat from here on out.
xXx
Jeremy doesn't like the way Luka's eyes roll back in his head, the way he loses control. He turns away, wipes his mouth because he can feel salt gathering there. And he thinks he might get sick, especially when people start throwing around his sister's name and the word "dead" in the same sentence.
They're in over their heads now, there's no denying that. Maybe they have been for a while. And Jeremy thinks, if only there was someone they could tell, someone to foist all this responsibility off onto. But there isn't. There isn't anybody.
xXx
Tyler expects to feel sick when he sees Stefan writhing on the ground of the shed, expects to feel his heart beating fast in his ears. But he doesn't feel anything at all. It's like he's numb, wrapped up in sheets and on roller skates, like some ill-advised kid on Halloween.
"I can't let you break the curse," he tells Stefan. I can't help you, he wants to tell him. Because Brady will know and Brady will hurt him. Brady's probably actually crazy, not the kind of crazy Tyler sometimes fancies he is, and he'll find out what Tyler loves and he'll hurt that too. I'm sorry, he wants to tell Stefan. But you're not the most important thing.
"I can't be like this forever!" Tyler says, and knows that he's sealing his fate as a monster even as his fingers brush the trigger.
"In order to break the curse," Stefan says, everything in his voice saying this is a turning point, I'm counting on it, "Elena has to die."
And Tyler stops. Because he didn't want to hear the words. He could know the general concept and not think about Elena's pretty smile or the way she tilts her head to the side during class, he could hold a gun on Stefan and his brain could skitter away from the word "die" until Stefan said it.
But now, now his hands begin to shake, and he drops the gun and the stake with a clatter to the floor. His knees hit it not long after, and then he's shaking there on the floor of the shed, as powerless as Stefan.
"I'm sorry," he says, and through his slitted eyes he sees Stefan grit his teeth and dig his fingers into his own leg, pull out the bullet that Tyler put there.
"I know," Stefan says. "I'm sorry too. I'm sorry you had to get mixed up in this."
"It was my own fault," Tyler says bitterly, but Stefan's calm tone—even though he must be in pain—steadies him, and he wipes his eyes with the backs of his hands and sits up. "Do you still need help with that bullet?"
Stefan is gritting his teeth again, trying to work his fingers at an impossible angle into his own chest. "Yeah," he pants. "I think I might."
So Tyler takes a breath, which doesn't help, and then peels away Stefan's collar. The bullet is in deep, and Tyler closes his eyes as his fingers find the hole, shoves his thumb and forefinger in. Stefan groans, but Tyler can feel the hard wood under his fingers, and he hooks the bullet and tugs until it pops out with a sound he'd rather not hear ever again.
Watching Stefan and Elena hug, Tyler knows: he couldn't have done anything else. He might be a murderer and he might be a gullible idiot and a jackass on every day of the week that ends in "y," but he knows he couldn't have done it. He can't kill again, can't be responsible for that.
"I don't want to be like this anymore," he tells them, and doesn't know exactly what he means except that this, the numbness giving way to heart wrenching pangs and tiny teeth gnashing at the inside of his stomach, is how he never expected to feel and how he never wants to feel again.
Elena hugs him and he shudders into her shoulder. "It's okay," she tells him. "It will be okay." And maybe Tyler's still a gullible idiot after all, because some part of him believes her.
xXx
"You're Elena's little brother," Bonnie says without preamble. "You're that punk kid."
Jeremy remembers his awkward phase too (all of his life, it seems, has been an awkward phase). He remembers trying to be better than Elena, or at least be good enough to get noticed next to her perfection, and then when that failed, being bad enough to get noticed. He remembers wanting so much and feeling like he got so little. Feeling like Tyler Lockwood was the reason why.
So when Bonnie calls him hot, and moves to take a step closer, Jeremy takes a step back and knows: she's doing this for the wrong reasons. He smiles a sideways smile and says, "Bonnie, I'm sorry, I can't," words he doesn't think he would have said a week ago or even two days ago.
Bonnie crosses her arms and her chin juts forward. "What? You've been chasing me for weeks and all of a sudden you're not interested? Whatever, Jeremy." She goes to turn on her heel, but Jeremy catches her elbow.
"Listen, Bonnie," he says, even though she's not looking at him. "We both know I'm not the one you want." He's only guessing on this, but something about the way she held Luka's head, the way she bit her lip, tells him he's not wrong.
Bonnie glances back at him over her shoulder. There is still irritation in her face, but beneath that, a softening in the eyes that might become understanding later. "Whatever, Jeremy," she says again, and he lets her walk out of Caroline's house without him.
Because it's different now. Jeremy's not a punk kid anymore. He may not always feel useful, he may not always be sure, and he damn well doesn't feel happy or secure right now, but he knows who he is. He knows what he wants. He knows that Tyler Lockwood really is the reason why.
xXx
Tyler owes some people the truth, and even if he can't give all of it, he owes them at least some of it. He owes it to Matt, who's always been solid, his mother who's always been kind even if she didn't understand. To Caroline who's been there. So he leaves a note for his mother and he talks to Matt at the grill. But he lingers outside Caroline's house and doesn't go in, because she was right. Because she has a right not to trust him or talk to him until he's proven he can be better.
Which is just what he plans to do.
"If I'm gonna go with you, no more lies," he tells Jules, knowing that they're all he can ever tell her. He slides into her passenger seat and the snap of the door closing feels like a premonition, like cages and dungeons and his future unless he can figure this shit out.
"I can't stay here," he says. "Not like this." His final truth. Tyler can't stay here when Caroline can't trust him to save her, when Jeremy can't trust him not to kill again. He wills his nose and eyes not to run as they take off down the dark street, hoping he won't be gone too long.