Part 10

She stared at him. Sitting across from her. His reading glasses sliding down his nose. His hands flipping through the paper. So calm, so confident in all that was about him.

And she felt a bit like her world was falling apart.

He looked up at her with his cool blue eyes. If they were to have children together they would have the clearest blue eyes. She was certain of that.

But the thought of having children with him made her stomach knot.

"Hey, you okay?" He got up from his spot on the couch, moving to her, pulling her into his arms.

She shook her head. Tears threatening to fall from the corners of her eyes. She'd been crying since the previous evening, only stopping when he'd arrived that morning with breakfast. She was quite certain her face was puffy and swollen. It was striking to her that he would only just now notice that something was wrong. Olivia would have noticed immediately. Olivia noticed everything.

"No." She admitted, too exhausted to pretend any longer. Too exhausted to keep up this charade. She'd thought having something uncomplicated and nice and new would help her move away from Olivia. Only Olivia had lingered and Alex had cheated on kind, sweet Tom with her. And that wasn't fair, was it?

"What is it?" He looked at her with a concern she had never seen him display. He was perceptive and sensitive for a man, but he rarely truly looked at her like this. And she couldn't leave it at this, pretend like it didn't matter, because it did.

"I think…God, I'm so sorry. You're such a wonderful guy." Alex felt tears stinging her eyes.

"Whoa there." Tom pulled her to his chest, but she pushed back from him.

"Tom, Tom I think we need to talk." Alex moved out of his grasp and went to the other side of the kitchen.

"Talk? About what? What's happening?"

"You remember Olivia? Olivia Benson, the one…she came over a few nights ago and you…"

"Yeah, she had some business or something. What about her?"

"Tom, I love her. I'm in love with her." The words were so much easier to admit out loud than she'd thought they would be. It was too little too late, though. For Olivia did not love her so she had no idea where these words had come from.

"You…what? But you said…"

"I know. I know, but listen. I can't keep this up. I care about you. I really, really do. I thought I could make this work, but I…and you know the worst part?"

Tom was looking at her completely bewildered, as if someone had pulled the rug out from under him.

"The worst part is that I am telling you this and there is absolutely no chance in hell that she loves me in return. She's in love with someone else. Yeah, she's in love with this young detective. So I'm an idiot for even telling you this."

Tom stood back, a wall going up about him. He no longer had that kind, concerned look in his eyes. No, now she recognized hurt, wounded pride. And she hated herself for having done that to him.

"Fuck. Tom, I'm s-sorry."

"No. No, you know what. I'm glad you told me so that we could just end this now. You know, before it got too serious." He nodded, glancing around her apartment for his things. Moving to pick them up one at a time.

"Tom…Tom…I can't…I didn't mean…oh, God. I'm such an idiot."

"No, you just don't feel about me what you feel about someone else. I guess that happens." He pulled his coat back on and tucked the newspaper beneath his arm. "Just…don't call me. For awhile."

"Tom, Tom…you don't have to leave."

"Alex," he caught her arm. "I think you know as well as I do that this is over."

Tears caught in her eyes, spilled over and down her cheeks, blurring her vision behind her glasses. She hardly saw Tom as he made his way out her door. She only heard the click behind him.

"Rollins."

Amanda glanced up to find Fin standing near her desk. He looked around the nearly empty precinct and then leaned over to her.

"You – uh – got everything under control?"

Amanda felt her cheeks redden, as if she were a child being scolded by a parent. "Uh, yeah. Yeah. I got a little off-track, but I'm…I'm working on it. Going to a meeting tonight." She spoke barely above a whisper before she made her own glance around the crib, afraid that Cragen or Olivia would walk by.

"You need any help?"

"No…no, I'm managing. But thank you." She smiled up at Fin.

"I'm glad to hear you're getting help."

She nodded, wishing she could curl up and hide. She hated when people made such a fuss about her. She didn't need to be watched over. She knew when she'd done something bad. She knew to fess up to her wrongdoings. She felt ashamed enough as it was, why must everyone remind her?

Only, she realized that Fin was trying to be helpful. Was looking out for her because he was her partner.

"You wanna talk about it?" He seemed to sense her unease.

"Not really." Amanda bristled, closing her laptop and looking up to meet Fin's eyes. There was a glimmer there, a certain knowing that made her realize that she was not as transparent as she had hoped.

"She's really something, isn't she?" He spoke as if knowing just what she was thinking about. "She's just about the most rule-abiding, stick-in-the-mud detective there is, yet she's completely clueless when it comes to matters of the heart."

"How did…"

"I have eyes. Besides, she's been struggling since Cabot showed up. I saw all the angst she put herself through. Completely unnecessarily because we all couldn't have given a care about who she was with. But she really beat herself up about that, never wanted to talk about it, didn't want to acknowledge it. But…she's been different."

Amanda felt her cheeks practically glowing red. "Ya'll knew?"

Fin shrugged. "It's not so hard to figure out. The way she looks at you, shit."

Amanda looked over her shoulder then as if Olivia would be sitting in her seat looking at her. But she'd gone home an hour ago. Or else out to a bar. She seemed to be doing that more often. Amanda had happened by one evening and saw Liv drinking alone. Or with Amaro, or someone else from the precinct.

She could tell that the brunette didn't want to go home alone any more than she, herself, wanted to go home alone.

She looked down at her calendar. It had been twenty-three days since they'd left things.

Amanda was halfway through paying back her debts. By her next paycheck she'd have it nearly managed. She'd worked some extra shifts, used some money she'd had in reserve. She wanted to pay that back before the end of the month. She wanted to have this weight lifted off her shoulders.

She'd been to a meeting every day. She'd watched ridiculous reality television to keep her mind off sports. She'd done everything imaginable to be good, to get herself back on solid ground.

In the middle of the night, though, when there was only the sound of sirens and passing cars and nothing else to occupy her mind she thought of Olivia. And she missed her. She missed her arms about her, missed the way she kissed, touched her.

"But we're…we're not…"

Fin gave her a look and then stood back up to his full height. "Save the bullshit, Rollins. Want an escort to that meeting of yours?"

Amanda grinned up at Fin. What a guy. "Sure. If you let me buy the coffee tomorrow."

"You know how much I like to get you that good shit."

"It is good shit." Amanda found herself smiling and laughing for the first time in days.

She was drinking because she wasn't sure what else she should be doing. The case brief laid finished on her desk. She'd gone over the evidence a thousand times, had a laser focus on what she wanted to accomplish the following day in court and so instead of going home she was at a bar.

She'd forgotten about this little dive in her neighborhood, with its low music and cheap drinks and copious women. Men were a dime a dozen at the place.

And somehow Alex felt that maybe she needed a break from men for a bit. For her foray with Tom had not given her what she was looking for.

She drank back her wine, hardly pausing to taste the inner notes and keys and overtones of the oaky vintage. Her mind was raising a mile a minute and the poison didn't matter. Only her thoughts did.

So, she didn't have Tom. And she didn't have Olivia.

"What're you drinking?" A low, smooth voice inquired from somewhere beside her.

"Uh, a merlot. I think." She really didn't remember.

"A merlot, you think? Darling, you can't possibly have just ordered any ordinary wine. Wine isn't really even a drink that you drink to get drunk, so I'm assuming you're not in the right state of mind to be drinking at all and perhaps you should just down a bottle of Everclear if you're going to be that way."

Alex looked up as the voice beside her spoke, more and more intrigued as words flowed forward, shocking her system out of her grim reverie. "I'm sorry…who are you?" Alex, found her eyes adjusting to meet the form of a slender older woman, her gray hair blown out to perfection, her body encased in the stereotypical New York black, her eyes hidden behind dark-rimmed glasses.

The woman's fire-red lips turned into a smile. "Oh, no one very special. Just noticed you sitting here all alone and thought I might buy you a drink. But you're not even drinking well so I might as well send you home for the evening. A merlot, you think. I mean really."

Alex looked at this woman with amusement. For who was this eccentric woman and why did she feel strangely drawn to her? "And what would you have me drink?"

The woman leaned forward and ordered what Alex suspected was an expensive bottle of Cabernet Sauvignon and then the woman motioned for her to follow her from the bar. Alex slid from her stool, following the woman, as if welcoming this strange distraction.

The woman folded down into a booth in a far corner and Alex joined her on the other side. She had to be somewhere near sixty, yet she looked dazzling, playful, youthful.

"What was in that pretty little head of yours? Someone break your heart? Did you break someone's heart?" It was as if this woman was reading her mind.

"A little of both." Alex spoke as she watched a waiter ceremoniously uncork the black bottle of red wine, pouring it into each glass and then leaving the bottle atop the table.

"Should really be put through a decanter, but who the hell has time for that."

"What is your name?" Alex took in her drinking partner.

"Joan."

"Joan. I'm Alex."

"Alex. Alexandria?"

"Alexandra."

"I see." Joan nodded. "Very beautiful, indeed."

Was this woman coming on to her?

"So you've broke someone's heart and they've broken yours?"

"Well, really two different people." Alex found herself explaining, for who better to listen than this woman who was willing to listen.

"Sounds like hell."

"Yeah, might as well be. I really…I really loved her. And he, well he was nice."

"Ah, the difference between a man and a woman." Joan grinned, leaning forward on her hand. "So you have deep feelings for her yet felt iffy about him?"

"I'd known her longer…I had more of a history with her…"

"Yes, yes. But she strung you along with no real closure. Probably because she's not willing to admit she might like the fairer sex?"

"Well," Alex shrugged. "I think she's admitted it now, only she'd decided on someone even fairer than me." She took a deep gulp of the expensive wine – this time noticing how smooth and flavorful it was, appreciating the liquid as it went down. "You know the damnedest thing about it all?"

"What's that, darling?"

"She's fallen for two blondes. And both of our names start with an A. I mean, Jesus Christ. At least like someone with some other distinguishing characteristic!"

"And this A named girl is younger than you?"

Alex nodded warily.

"Sounds like a typical man. Only she's a woman with concealed powers over women."

"You make her sound like some kind of a myth or goddess or something. She's only human."

"Ah ha!" Joan's eyes sparkled. They looked violet. "So you see, we're all just human after all."

And Alex had to agree. Olivia was only human. Faults and all. Bad decisions and all. She had been seeking a connection and Alex had given her something. For some time. And now Alex was no longer necessary, redundant.

"She wants to be friends." Alex found herself saying.

"Don't they always? But perhaps, once you've looked out for yourself, you can be her friend." Joan suggested, topping off both of their glasses.

"How is it you've come to know all of this about people?" Alex leaned forward, fascinated by her new companion.

"I've lived a little while now." Joan shrugged. "I've had many ups and downs. You can imagine it was never easy when I was younger to be so out and about."

"No, I can't imagine so." Alex nodded.

"Well, now I've given away my age and you, perhaps, should not be interested in me. But I do find you charming. Perhaps you need a friend to help you through this time."

Alex nodded, slowly. "I used to think I didn't need anyone. That I could do it all alone. But I…yeah. It would be nice to have a friend."

Joan smiled, reaching out to place one long slender, perfectly polished hand atop Alex's. "You'll heal. Just give it time. And in the meantime, we have more wine. Only perhaps not this evening. This is my card, should you ever wish to talk again. I think you should go and draw yourself a nice bath and enjoy your evening."

Alex found herself taking Joan's card – a black card with gold lettering. Simply her name and a phone number. How classy. Alex liked her. "I think I will."

"I can call you a car…" Joan reached for her bag.

"No, no. I'll manage. You've done enough for one evening." Alex smiled. "Thank you for listening."

"It was my pleasure. Thank you for joining me." Joan smiled back.

Amanda turned from the coffee machine just as Olivia walked into the break room.

Her eyes widened for a moment, looking somewhat uncomfortable and then a light blush colored her dark cheeks. Her hair had grown longer, framed her face so perfectly. Amanda wondered if she was taking care of herself. She looked tired. Though her lips lifted into a smile as they stood there staring at one another.

"Hey." Olivia finally spoke and moved to the coffee machine, reaching for a cup. "How are you?"

Amanda shrugged, leaning up against the counter. It was the first time they had been so isolated, so alone together, in quite a while. They'd been hard at work on cases – each running a separate direction – that they'd hardly even spoken in passing. There were moments in briefings when Amanda would catch Olivia's eye and they would smile at one another, shyly, covertly.

But now, here they were. "Doing better." Amanda blew across the top of her coffee.

Olivia reached for a sugar packet and poured herself a cup of coffee. "I'm glad to hear that." She turned to face Amanda, leaning up against counter so that they were staring at one another. "I've been…I've been thinking about you." Olivia admitted as she watched the sugar fall into the dark surface of her coffee. "Hoping you were okay."

"Yeah, I…uh, it's getting better." Amanda nodded. "I've been, uh…I've thought about you, too." Amanda glanced to the doorway of the break room, hoping that no one would enter and spoil this moment. Also hoping that no one would eavesdrop from around the corner, for she was certain that they would have to talk to Cragen if anyone other than Fin caught wind of this conversation. As vague as it was.

"Yeah?" Olivia glanced up with that gleam in her eyes.

"Yeah." Amanda nodded. She sipped the coffee. It tasted terrible. But she supposed she was used to the station coffee.

"You, uh, given thought to…things?" Olivia asked under her breath.

Amanda nodded. "Three more days."

Olivia's head shot up then. "Yeah, yes. Three more days."

"I," Amanda looked to the door again. "I paid off the money. I'm…I'm out of debt."

"I'm so glad to hear that." Olivia smiled.

Amanda nodded, longing to reach out and tuck Olivia's soft hair behind her ear. She watched the older woman do it instead. She looked so very shy standing there before Amanda. So adorably uncertain. What had she been doing for the past month? Had she seen that ADA? Had they kissed again? Amanda had so many questions, wanted desperately to just talk to Olivia again, to have her near…and when Olivia reached out, almost subconsciously, to tuck Amanda's curtain of hair behind her ear, Amanda almost forgot what they were doing, where they were…

Olivia looked so sincere as she spoke, barely above a whisper…"I…I really have missed you."

They both heard the clearing of a throat and Amanda nearly dropped her coffee as she turned to find Fin standing in the doorway.

"Looks like we caught a catch. Might need you two love birds to pitch in."

Amanda looked over at Olivia whose eyes had widened to saucers.

"'Sokay. He pretty much figured us out." Amanda whispered to Olivia and then moved to follow Fin into the crib.

Olivia joined after a few minutes, hardly making eye contact with anyone except for Amaro as Cragen gave them the case details.

I'm sorry, I just have a thing for eccentric older women. Perhaps I've let some readers down, but Olivia is a woman of a certain integrity and she needs to be firm in her decisions. It's interesting to play with her without writing from her perspective so she can't ever defend herself. Well, I guess we shall see what happens next! Thanks for those who are still hanging around to see how this all comes together. (I'm curious myself!)