CHAPTER TEN
"Where are we going Luke?" the annoyance not hidden in her voice
He replied, "The roof, we won't be interrupted there."
Callista sighed, "Interrupted in what?"
Luke responded tersely, "Talking. We are due. You owe me some answers and you know it."
Callista couldn't argue with that, sometimes she looked at Luke and saw the consummate Jedi master, but in the last day whenever she saw him she saw a very hurt young man, much younger than herself…
They reached the roof, Luke walked over to the edge and gripped the small retaining wall as if trying to keep control of himself. He was furious, he wanted this over with so he could go to Mara but he needed answers. He couldn't make any relationship with Mara work if he didn't figure out where he failed with Callista.
"How could you have left me like that? Did I mean absolutely NOTHING to you?" he asked venomously
She sighed, "You wouldn't understand. I was deeply troubled, I still am by the fact that I cannot use the force Luke. It wasn't you, you must know that."
He shook his head, "It wasn't me..." he muttered bitterly, "Never was, was it? I would have done anything for you! Left Yavin, the Jedi and abandoned everything if that's what you had wanted!"
She took in a long shuddering breath, "I wouldn't have let you. I know all that you have sacrificed for that academy, and all the pains it took you to even achieve your Jedi title. It wasn't like that when I was training. Everything is different now...harder... and I have to accept that. I am different, and I have to find a way to live with myself."
Luke asked stoically, "Can you?"
She sighed staring out at the streaming strands of speeder traffic, "Cray gave me another chance at life, at her own expense. I owe it to her to try. Luke…is there really something going on between you and Mara?"
Luke answered honestly, "Yes, I don't know what it is but I want to find out. I am deeply drawn to her in ways that I cannot even describe. She's opened my eyes to a whole other life I never thought I could have."
Callista winced, "Luke you're being nonsensical. If you truly are in a relationship with her then you're not the man I thought you were. How little our love must have meant to you for you to move on so quickly!"
Luke spun, "You lecturing me about moving on? How little our love must have meant to you for you to LEAVE me! Mara is honest and good and I never have to second guess myself with her. She sees me for exactly what I am, and I see her."
Callista asked her anger growing, "Do you? Do you see an ex imperial assassin, who would just assume kill first and ask questions later. Can you honestly love such a creature? She wanted to murder YOU Luke! For years! Honestly, look at yourself! Fawning over someone who wanted you dead, have you lost your mind!?"
Luke turned away and grasped the wall again, "You don't know what you're talking about. You don't even know her so don't presume that you do. Mara may be many things, but she is not a killer. She was made and used cruelly by a malevolent man for eighteen years. Mara is rash, she can be volatile, taciturn and challenging and I adore that in her. She's many many wonderful things that you could never see. I see them. She's honest, true and giving. And..." he turned to glare at his former lover, "She isn't a quitter...Mara never gives up."
Callista sighed heavily wanting this tense conversation to come to a close, "I am very sorry Luke. I treated you very shabbily and for that I do feel great regret. It was wrong of my to leave the way I did."
Luke asked, "Is this goodbye?"
She nodded, "Yes."
"At least you're saying it this time."
She cringed, "Someday you will thank me for allowing you to move on with your life."
Luke took a deep breath calling on all the calm he could muster, "I am the one who is allowing me to move on with my life, but Mara has helped me tremendously. I don't think I could have gotten over you in a very long time without her help. I wish you happiness."
Callista asked, "Do you really?"
Luke replied coldly, "Isn't that the right thing to do? I don't want to curse you, but we are through. What more can we do but wish each other well and part as best as we can considering the circumstances."
"I do want you to be happy Luke. The force wants you to be happy, one doesn't have to feel it to know that. Just be cautious..."
With those words she turned and walked out of his life again...maybe this time forever.
He stood on the roof thinking for a long time.
Callista had been his entire world for a year, he had tried to emulate everything he thought she wanted. In the end, it hadn't been his failure that the relationship had ended rather, her own pain and insecurity. He felt as though a great burden had been lifted off of his shoulders.
His charade, not the simple one he and Mara had concocted…the one he had been performing for a year for Callista…was over. He could finally be Luke Skywalker, and he could be with someone that appreciated him for just that.
Callista descended the staircase...she still couldn't wrap her mind around Luke and Mara being a couple, she clung to the fact that Luke was just answering his baser urges.
But one thing was perfectly clear...if he did move on it certainly wouldn't be with her. She had hurt him too badly for them to ever go back and she wasn't even sure she wanted to.
However, that didn't change the fact that Mara didn't deserve Luke...and she needed to know that.
Mara had slithered in and pulled Luke tightly into her grasp while he was still grieving over his lost love. What kind of woman takes advantage of a man in pain? A woman of the lowest order, one who didn't deserve the Jedi master!
'And' Callista thought 'She's going to hear about it...if it's the last thing I do.'
Mara was amazed that she could still feel him. She could feel his anxiety, his anger, finally his acceptance and relief.
She sat in his apartment, still wearing her vinesilk gown. She stood and paced, it had only been about thirty minutes but she was still nervous.
She began to panic…relief? Wasn't he telling Callista to kriff off? Why would he be relieved about that?!
Maybe he had taken her back, maybe she had weaseled her way back into his arms! They were probably together right now laughing at her!
"Callista I was such a fool for thinking Mara could even hold a candle to you."
"Oh Luke, I forgive you! She's the fool, thinking of such a juvenile game and assuming it would work! Ha!"
Mara was suddenly furious! She could feel the metallic taste of durasteel in her mouth.
"She's like the plague…" Mara muttered to herself, "Wish I could crash her anti-virus mainframe." She chuckled at her own joke…then grew angry again.
She heard the door begin to open and his presence shone brightly, she took a deep breath and waited for the inevitable rejection.
Luke looked at her his eyes starry, "You think I'm going to reject you?"
She just stared at him, Mara wasn't used to being vulnerable with anyone or anything. But…she reminded herself, 'this isn't just anyone…this is Luke and he knows you better than anyone in the galaxy.'
He nodded, "You're right I do know you. Mara, you don't have to worry about me hurting you ever."
She whispered, "Callista?"
He replied easily, "She apologized, wished me well and she's out of here for good."
Mara looked at him unconvinced, "Really? That's all she said?"
Luke smiled, "Well no. But the it was the crux of what she meant. She's gone."
Mara nearly sagged with relief, Luke asked, "Is that what you're so tense about? You think that I would take her back after all she put me through? Callista left me for who I am, and that isn't going to change. We reached an impasse and we both knew it. She couldn't live with me as a Jedi, and I couldn't stop being one even if I tried. You cannot seriously believe that I would take her back after all of that!"
Mara bit her lip nervously, uncomfortable with all the bare emotions radiating out of her, "So…you're free then?"
Luke's eyes smoldered into hers, "I wouldn't exactly say that."
Mara shook her head, "We were such idiots Luke. Me more than anyone, I came up with this harebrained plan…and I still can't believe you went along with it!"
He replied with classic Jedi master confidence, "The end results would have been the same. It might have taken me longer to get over her and see what was right in front of me but eventually I would have. I would have found my way."
Mara swallowed and replied sincerely, "I know that. You were never one to lose your way anyhow. Can I be completely honest with you?"
She sat down on the sofa and he came to sit beside her.
"I was terrified when I saw you on Yavin. You were so devastated, and fill of self-hatred. You were blaming yourself for her actions. I panicked Luke! I came up with this plan on the spot. Mostly it was to distract you. I never really believed that you would agree to it but you did, which spoke volumes about your state of mind at that time. So I had to follow through on my bluff."
He nodded, "I was in a very bad place Mara. If it hadn't of been for you it would have been a lot worse. I don't even want to think about what could have happened if you hadn't shown up when you did."
Luke took her hands in his own, "You've been honest with me, now I need to be honest with you. I know you aren't completely comfortable with emotions but I need you to hear me out."
She nodded remaining silent and he began, "From that first kiss on Yavin outside of your quarters, even though I knew that it was just for show at the time. I felt something, more than just a physical reaction which I had as well to my shame then. I felt a deep stirring in the force, more than anything I had ever felt before. Suddenly instead of merely inhabiting me, the force itself was alive inside of my soul and with a will of its own! It urged me time and again to go back to your rooms and tell you everything I was feeling but I couldn't...when Callista left she destroyed me and I was too wounded to even think about giving anyone my heart, ever again. It's hard enough for me to try right this moment."
Mara squeezed his hands and he continued, "Then we came here, and things between us changed for the better! You were there for me and you have always been so vibrant and exciting but you were also kind, funny and so gentle with me. I had never seen that side of you, it drew me in even further, you were opening up to me in the most wonderful of ways, I could finally see the whole woman that you are not just what you wanted me to see. You healed my heart Mara, and now I'm giving it to you. I should have said this long ago…I love you."
Mara gave a small involuntary felt the rush of his feelings through their bond, it was almost as wonderful as being wrapped tightly into his arms...almost.
He asked, "While we are on this honesty kick I have a question for you, why did you stay away from me for a whole year? I thought at the very least we were friends, but you ignored me at every turn. Why?"
Mara rose suddenly and took a few steps forward putting her back to him as she willed the tears away from her eyes. He loved her! Luke Skywalker loved Mara Jade! It was an impossibility! She could never deserve him, ever. But…she would spend her whole life trying.
She blurted out, her voice cracking with emotion "I…I couldn't be around you, not while you were with her. I didn't realize it then and I am sorry that I avoided you, but I was jealous. I was so jealous that someone else could be so close to you. I was a fool Luke; I should have realized what I was feeling and fought for you. I'm so ashamed that I didn't!"
Luke's heart was racing as he asked with no small amount of fear in his newly mended heart, "What are you feeling?"
She turned back to him, finally bearing her heart and soul to this man who deserved every ounce of it, "It was always there, this familiar wonderful feeling whenever I was with you. I never acknowledged it, I never wanted to admit that you were always my weakness. I didn't believe in weaknesses. When Karrde told me that she had run out on you, I was aghast that someone could leave you! How could anyone walk out on Luke Skywalker!? He told me that you were having a rough time with it, and the thought of you being in pain was too much to bear! I knew that I had to go to you, right then and there. There was never any other path for me…it was only you, anything I did or said I knew in my heart that I would be with you. It was always there...but I never saw it. When we came here and we spent so much time together, I knew in my soul that I could trust you. I opened up to you and began to let my feelings show…then….then" she paused to reclaim control on her emotions...
"You questioned what we were feeling, you made me wonder if I really WAS a rebound. That hurt me so much, just because there was never any question for me. It was always you, and the fact that you didn't feel the same way was completely gut wrenching. I'm sorry for running, that was inexcusable. I should have heard you out, looking back on it you were probably so confused…"
Luke interrupted, "I was! I was so conflicted, how could I be feeling these things so for you so short a time after Callista! I didn't want to think that I was merely using you to get over her because that wouldn't be fair, I didn't want to be that kind of person. I shouldn't have said anything; it was stupid to say that. I knew in my heart what I was feeling for you but my head was telling me that it wasn't logical."
He shook his head and continued, "I'm so sorry Mara. I wasn't questioning what we felt…I was questioning my heart and I shouldn't have. I hurt you in the process with my stupidity! When I saw you walk away from me that night it was like my soul had been crushed, only to recover when I saw you descend those stairs tonight. Then I knew that nothing could have felt truer, or more vibrant than the love I have for you. I am so sorry, I was an idiot for ever thinking otherwise…for ever thinking anyone could fill your place in my heart."
She sat next to him again, taking his hands in hers this time "No! You don't have to apologize Luke. I was just as foolish as you were for not seeing what was right I front of my face. I was too insecure, thinking that you could never feel anything like that for me, that my feelings for you were all one-sided."
He shook his head and insisted, "They weren't."
She stared into his crystal blue eyes and gave a shaky sigh, "You asked me how I felt? It's not easy for me Luke…you know that. Just like I knew that if there is anyone in this galaxy I can bear my heart and soul with, it's you. You're the only one. I'm in love with you Luke, on some crazy level I think I always have been."
He took her into his arms then, almost as if he didn't have a choice, if he'd tried to wait another minute without holding her he probably would have collapsed from the effort. Their force senses wrapped tightly around the others as effortlessly as they did. With one hand at her back pressing her tightly against him and the other wound in her soft magnificent hair, he realized he didn't know how he could have called what he felt for Callista love. THIS was love, what he felt for her was a pale shadow of what he now felt for Mara.
It washed over him like a flood, he never wanted her to leave his side again.
She let out a shuddering sigh of relief against him; this was how love was supposed to feel. Wonderful, terrifying, all encompassing, perfect, true, honest, open…she felt those things and knew that she didn't need to say them. That Luke would be able to feel them all, and she would trust him with it."
"Oh!" he exclaimed pulling back and not liking how bereft his arms felt without her in them"By the way…this dress is amazing."
She smiled brilliantly, "You like it?"
He took it in completely again and responded touching her face, "Very much. It matches your eyes, you have beautiful eyes Mara I should have told you sooner."
She teased, "I probably would have punched you. I wasn't ready for that yet."
Luke asked hopefully bringing her tightly into his arms again, "But you are now?"
She nodded and said with releif, "Yes." she held him close, "It took me almost losing you to realize it, but I am most definitely ready now."