12 Labors of Barkis

By: Wilona Riva

Disclaimer: Tim Burton is the master of dark fantasy. Corpse Bride is his masterpiece.

Author's Note: Dedicated to Imagi for the idea. And to all baby-sitters everywhere.

Chapter Ten: Waffles

Ding! Dong!

Barkis dropped the newspaper he was reading and whimpered. What worse could these ghouls do to him?

The sepulchral bell rang again throughout the house.

Barkis swallowed and got up to open the door-to see a young skeleton girl with red hair done up in white ribbons and wearing a cutesy blue dress with raggedy Mary Sues smiling up at him.

"Hi, I'm Lolly. You get to be my babysitter today."

Barkis blinked in confusion. "Excuse me?"

"You heard my little sister correctly, Bittern," a man's deep voice cut in. The speaker was none other than Hart Crusher, his neighbor, two graves down. He cracked his knuckles for emphasis.

"Y-y-yes, s-s-sir!" Barkis stuttered, as little Lolly hugged her brother and skipped inside the house.

"Bye, big brother!" she called out, as Barkis closed the door.

An unholy light lit up in her eyeless sockets as Barkis turned to face her.

"I want pancakes!" she howled.

What have I gotten into? Barkis' inner thoughts screamed at him.

( 2 hours later)

Barkis felt like screaming his head off. This child was a brat! If you could call her a child even...

"I want waffles!" Lolly screamed, at the top of her lungs.

Barkis surveyed the wreckage of his kitchen. Wiping a tear from his eye, he turned to face Lolly. "The pancakes were not to your liking?"

Of course they were not. Every batch he made, no matter what kind, she had thrown right back at him. "I hate pancakes," she said, sourly, while twirling what remnants of her hair were left.

"Then we'll have to go shipping for the ingredients for waffles," Barkis sighed, "Put your coat on; you'll catch your death of cold."

Lolly grinned evilly. "I'm dead already. I died from the most gushiest, foul-smelling, puss-filled disease you could name. Betcha can't guess what it was."

Barkis raised one eye-brow. " Chicken pox?"

Lolly ducked her head and blushed. "Yeah, and you?"

"Suicide," came the abrupt remark.

Lolly's eyes widened. "So, that's why my brother told me to give you heck. You don't seem so bad." I'll see how he reacts in the marketplace."

Taking a deep breath, she bellowed, "I WANT WAFFLES!"

Barkis covered his ears. This kid's brother had better come back soon!

(fast forward to them shopping at the market)

"Hi, Miss Emily," the "angel" chirped, upon see Barkis' first ex-wife.

"Hello, Lolly," the Corpse Bride replied, "What ever are you doing at the market?"

"Waffles," came the grunt from the pile of packages, piled up beside the child.

"Barkis? Are you baby-sitting again?" Emily said, her eyes laughing.

"Yes, and buying everything in sight, except the ingredients for waffles," he muttered in response.

"Well, then, I won't keep you," she laughed. "Tootles, Barkie."

Lolly waited until Emily was out of earshot and whirled on Barkis. "I WANT WAFFLES !"

Barkis moaned. "Then quit wasting my money on toys!" he yelled back.

Something glittery caught her eye. "I WANT THAT!" she shouted.

"Tomornin!" he answered, exasperated. "We are going home."

Lolly collapsed on the street, bawling her eyes out.

Mrs. Widow, just passing by, spied the commotion out of the corner of her eyes. Scurrying over, she surmised the situation. "Lolly, dear child, what is the matter?"

The child sniffled. "I just wanted waffles and Mr. Bittern said we'd have to go shopping for the ingredients. And now, because he bought so much junk, we have no more money for them! WAAH!"

Mrs. Widow chittered angrily. "Why, that monster! He has no right promising a child a treat and then breaking it. Girls, get him!" she called to her sister spiders.

Barkis screamed, dropped all the packages, grabbed Lolly, and ran. But not necessarily in that order.

(several hours later)

Ding! Dong!

Barkis was never so glad to hear that doorbell. "Lolly, I'm all tied up right now, would you answer the door, please?"

"Sure, Mr. Bittern," Lolly answered, swallowing a piece of waffle.

Author's Note: For the next chapter, the Maggot is back! And so are the most annoying songs man has ever invented.