AN: Sam's almost 2.

I Was There…The First Time…

The first time you had to go to the hospital, it was all my fault.

Our motel room had these three high wide steps that dropped down from the bedroom area to the kitchen.

We tried to keep you away from them.

But of course that's where you wanted to go.

Down the stairs.

And then back up the stairs.

I held your hands a few times while you climbed them.

To make you happy.

After a while you pushed me away "Me do." You told me.

Then you dropped down on your hands and knees and climbed down the steps backwards and then back up again.

I stood at the bottom ready to catch you if you fell.

Dad watching closely.

The next morning dad was packing the car ready to leave.

I was meant to be watching you.

But I kept getting distracted by this cartoon I liked.

One second you were sitting right next to me on the floor.

The next second you were balancing face forward at the very edge of the top step.

My heart leapt into my throat.

I called you name.

You had one foot off the step ready to move.

You turned your head at the sound of your name.

You moved your body around to step back towards me.

As you tried to put your foot back onto the step you slipped.

I ran as fast as I could.

But you fell.

It all happened so fast.

But to me it seemed like slow motion.

You hit every step.

And landed in a heap at the bottom.

You didn't make a sound.

I actually felt my heart stop.

I was frozen.

I thought you were dead.

Then all of a sudden you let out this high pitch scream.

I was at your side in an instant.

I wanted to scoop you up.

Your arm was twisted funny underneath you.

So I just touched your forehead.

"It's okay Sammy." I tried to sooth you.

But you just kept screaming.

Eyes wide with fear.

You were in so much pain and the was nothing I could do.

Dad raced back in.

"What's…" But the words died on his lips.

He could see what was wrong.

I didn't do my job and you were hurt.

We took you in the hospital.

You had a dislocated shoulder.

They gave you drugs to knock you out so they could put it back in.

Me and dad waited in the waiting room until they told us we could see you.

Dad didn't yell like I thought he would.

Just told me I needed to keep a better eye on you.

That he needed me to be able to watch you, because he wasn't always there to do it.

I wanted him to yell.

I knew it was my fault.

I'd always known that it was my job to protect you and keep you safe.

I knew that even before mum died.

I didn't need dad to tell me.

It was just always my responsibility.

You were my responsibility.

And I let you get hurt.

I just had to do a better job of it.

I had to.

You looked so small in the big white hospital bed.

You were still knocked out.

The doctor came to talk to dad.

They stood just outside the door.

I pushed a chair up to the bed.

And knelt on it to see you up close.

You looked okay.

Like you were sleeping.

All I could think was that if I had done my job, you wouldn't be here in the hospital.

You wouldn't have been hurt.

"I'm sorry Sammy. I'll do a better job, I'll look after you better, I promise." I whispered to you.

Your eyes fluttered open.

And you smiled.

"I promise." I said again.

I guess over the years I haven't always done the best job of keeping you safe and looking after you.

Especially lately.

But all I can say Sammy is, I'm sorry, I'll do a better job, I'll look after you better, I promise.

Please review.