Okay folks I hope you've enjoyed the shorts so far. Sorry I haven't replied to any reviews recently, I've been snowed under with work. Still I must thank CB for the idea behind this story and Maktoa 2112 for beta reading this. Now, on with the show.

The Last Temptation of Goku Part 3

Life often presents us with tough decisions, like which course we should study or which job should we take. Some of you might even at one time been faced with a decision like Goku's, being torn between two women/men depending on your sex/orientation (let's be politically correct here). If you have been may I be the first to say….

"YOU LUCKY BASTARD!" snapped Freeza furiously. "I can't believe that you have two women!"

"What do you mean?" asked Goku slightly confused, "last chapter you were so sure of it you put a bet on it!"

"Okay I can believe it," grumbled Freeza, "but that doesn't mean I have to like it! It shouldn't be allowed, you should at least leave some women for the rest of us."

"Well I'm not exactly thrilled!" snapped Goku, "How am I supposed to deal with this. It's a really awkward situation!"

"It's not exactly difficult," said Freeza huffily, "All you have to do is go in there and give her a damn good seeing to!"

"I'm not doing that!" declared Goku.

"Why not?" asked Freeza, "I'll be fun, it's what I would do."

"Well that's one good reason!" snapped Goku.

"Give me another one!" demanded Freeza angrily.

"I'm happily married!" said Goku, "there's no way I could betray Chi-Chi like that!"

"Oh be serious Goku," said Freeza, "no one is that happily married. This could be the only chance you ever get to sleep with a super model! You've got to take it!"

"No I don't!" declared Goku, "it doesn't matter how hot Scarlet is, or how much part of me wants to, I can't do this! It would cost me everything I hold dear: my wife, my kid-"

"Kids" corrected Freeza.

"-Kids," continued Goku, "my friend's respect, my self-respect, my halo!"

"Really," said Freeza, sounding far too interested for Goku's liking, "you could be sent to Hell for this, be a common Police officer like me and Cell. Ooooh I have to get you here on a permanent basis now." Freeza leapt forwards and pushed Goku towards the door. The desperate Saiyan grabbed onto the door frame for dear life forcing the Icejin away.

"Please Freeza!" he pleaded, "don't do this!"

"Oh that brings back memories," said Freeza happily, "remember what happened last time you said that."

"I think it went something like this!" snapped Goku, turning into a Super Saiyan and smacking Freeza head-first into the opposing wall.

"Yup!" said Freeza dizzily, "that was exactly how it went."

"Right," said Goku, "I'm getting out of here!"

"You can't leave!" exclaimed Freeza, "we'll be understaffed, there's no way me and Cooler will be able/bothered to protect Scarlet properly. I know you don't want that on your conscience!"

"Darn it, you're right," said Goku, he thought for a moment. "Cooler!" he ordered at last, "go in there and make an excuse for me, I don't care what it is. Freeza and I will take over out here okay?"

"Taxi at 6pm got it," declared Cooler cheerfully, "would you like fries with that?"

"Just get in there!" snapped Goku shoving Cooler through the door. He quickly closed it behind the Icejin and turned to Freeza. "Freeza, you've got to help me!"

"I don't see why," said Freeza, "I mean you did give me a black eye just now."

"Would you like another one to match it?" asked Goku surprisingly threatening.

"Crumbs, this must be really important to you," exclaimed Freeza, "you usually only use that voice when a planet is in danger. Fine I'll help, on one condition."

"Seems fair," said Goku "what is it?"

"If you ever get wished back to life for some reason," said Freeza, "you know, to stop an evil blob of pink goo destroying the universe for example, you'll leave me, not Cell in charge of the HIFLPD, okay?"

"Sure," said Goku, "I'll do that, now here's what you have to do for me. You have to tell me how you make women hate you."

"I beg your pardon!" exclaimed Freeza, "What makes you think women hate me?"

"The fact that they tend to slap you only thirty seconds after you've met!" said Goku. "I need you to teach me how you do that!"

"That doesn't happen!" snapped Freeza, "I'm great with women. Watch!" Freeza wandered over to the nearest contestant, a very attractive Icejin. "Hey bab- OWWWW that's a sensitive area bitch OWWWW!" Freeza staggered back to Goku. "Okay," he conceded, "you might have a point."

"So do we have a deal?" asked Goku.

"Sure I'll teach you," said Freeza grudgingly, "okay let's see…." The Icejin stood in silent thought while Goku got out a pen and some paper to make notes. "Ar yes," Freeza announced at last, "the best way to piss off a woman is too sleep with another woman behind her back and then let her find out!"

"Right," said Goku beginning to write it down, suddenly he stopped. "Wait a second that's the situation I'm trying to avoid you idiot!"

"Okay, okay," grumbled Freeza. The Icejin thought for a while again. "Years of abuse and oppression of her home planet tends to make them mad too," he suggested at last.

"I don't have years Freeza," snapped Goku, "I need Scarlet to stop liking me today. Why don't you tell me some of your pick up lines, you know the ones that never work."

"Errr I'm not sure they'll do you any good," said Freeza.

"Why not?" asked Goku.

"Because Scarlet probably wants you to tell her that she has a nice arse," pointed out Freeza, "However if she was to hear you say it to lots of other women, then it might well put her off."

"Are you sure there's no other way to do this," asked Goku, "I don't want to look like a jerk."

"You've got to be rude to be kind," said Freeza, "Now shout something suggestive to that woman."

"OI MIIII- I can't do this Freeza," said Goku sadly, "it's just not me."

"Very well," said Freeza, "I'll go book a motel room for you a Scarlet and a lawyer for you and Chi-Chi!"

"HEY MISS NICE HAIR!" bellowed Goku suddenly, "HAVING IT UP LIKE THAT REALLY SUITS YOU!" The women look round towards Goku.

"Why thank you," she said, "I think so too." Then she giggled and hurried off.

"I did it!" exclaimed Goku. "Hang on a second, why didn't see get mad?"

"Because your line was awful!" snapped Freeza, "remember you're hitting on her, not complimenting her! I think it's about time you watched the master at work! But pay attention because I'm only going to do this once… well maybe twice."

Cell sat in a changing room scribbling on a piece of paper. Suddenly the door flew open and Ernie Becclestone burst in.

"Don't you know how to knock?" asked Cell, "I could have been in the nude."

"You are in the nude," said Ernie bluntly, "I fact your practically always nude!"

"Well then there's even more reason to knock," said Cell who hated to be proved wrong.

"I don't have time for this," snapped Ernie, "you're on in thirty minutes and I need to make sure that you're ready."

"Almost," said Cell, "I'm just finishing off my answers for the interview."

"Finishing them off?" exclaimed Ernie leaning over Cell's shoulder. "Why are you writing new answers, I gave you answers to use."

"I didn't like them," said Cell bluntly, "they weren't really me. So I'm writing some new ones!" Ernie skim-read Cell's answers.

"Those are awful!" he said, "you can't read that, everyone will laugh at you!"

"Everyone's going to laugh at me anyway!" pointed out Cell, "So I don't see what difference it makes."

"I makes a difference to this show's credibility!" snapped Ernie, "These answers go against everything it stands for! I must insist that you use my answers or I'll-"

"You'll what?" said Cell calmly, "You'll never be able to find another person, put them through make up and get them prepared in half an hour. So it's me or nothing. Your choice." Ernie stared at him in a state of shock.

"When did you learn to negotiate like that?" he demanded.

"From you mainly," said Cell, delighted that the boot was on the other foot for once, "and I've had a lot of practice since I joined the police. I'm our official negotiator."

"Oh," said Ernie, "well that explains all the violent solutions to hostage situations recently."

"Well you can hardly expect me to be brilliant the first time out," protested Cell, "besides we usually save most of the hostages."

"Oh well that makes me feel a lot safer," said Ernie sarcastically. "I hope you do better at this," he continued, "I don't want anyone to know that I picked you up at the last minute. So have you learnt the routine?"

"Yes," said Cell smugly.

"Have you remembered your cues?"

"All done,"

"Have you… errr…." said Ernie trying to think of something else, "put on your speedo?"

"I'll do it in a minute," said Cell, calmly.

"You better!" snapped Ernie clearly glad to have found something he could pick up, "I'll see you in twenty-five minutes sharp!" With that Ernie hurried out the room. Cell watched him go before returning his attention to the questions.

"What would be your perfect night out?" he read out loud, "Well that's easy, negotiating with a man who has taken Ernie Becclestone hostage…."

Despite what Vegeta might say about Goku's intelligence it has to be said that he is a quick learner. Thus it only took a few demonstrations from Freeza and a quick flick through the Icejin's book of pick up lines for Goku to be able to shout;

"Nice arse, miss!" at passing women like the worst kind of alpha male.

"Shove off, creep!" snapped the woman, a rather mild replied all things considered.

"This great!" exclaimed Goku turning to Freeza, "I've only be doing this for five minutes and already twenty women think I'm a complete jerk! My marriage is saved."

"I guess so," said Freeza thoughtfully. Having had the opportunity of watching someone else use his lines on women it had finally occurred to him just how useless they were.

"Maybe it's about time I came up with some better lines" he thought, "or at least use a better fragrance!"

"Okay Freeza I think I'm ready," said Goku determinedly, "let's put your plan into action!" Freeza nodded and wondered over to the changing room door. He opened it just a crack and hurried back to Goku.

"Okay then follows my lead," he said, just then a group of women walked past. "You look tired Mamm!" called Freeza, "how about having a sit down, on my lap!"

"We could take some wait off those hot legs of yours," added Goku, sounding not entirely natural, "or perhaps I could make you weak in the knees!" The woman turned away in disgust. Freeza laughed as though it was no big deal, prodding Goku to get the Saiyan to join in.

"Nice work," said Freeza, "now let's find another target."

The two police officers carried on complementing passer by's looks in an inappropriate manor for a couple more minutes. In this time they earned themselves a lot of disgusted looks, plenty of insults and the occasional slap. I would tell you what they said but this story is only rated T. Of course all of this was bound to attract the attention of the occupants of the changing room sooner or later…

"What's going on out here," she demanded emerging from the changing room, "I'm trying to listen to Cooler's proof of a dodecahedron shaped Universe. Goku what are you doing?"

"Oh nothing," replied Goku automatically. Freeza elbowed him in the ribs, "that I wouldn't do normally," he added quickly, "hitting on women is one of my favourite hobbies," he finished descending into a robotic voice.

"Really?" exclaimed Scarlet rather shocked.

"Well that's Goku for you," said Freeza supportively "he's a real lad's lad!"

"I thought you said that he was really shy!" probed Scarlet.

"Did I?" asked Freeza innocently.

"Yes did you?" asked Goku with more then a hint of anger.

"Yes you did!" snapped Scarlet.

"Oh yeah!" said Freeza suddenly, "I did didn't I, what a great joke that was, it really fooled you!"

"We'll talk about that later!" hissed Goku before turning to Scarlet, "yep, I'm your regular kind of guy! I'm all testosterone and errr… sports." Scarlet looked at him sternly. Goku gulped and tried to look away with out actually looking away.

"I'm not buying it," said Scarlet at last. "This doesn't seem in character with the rest of the day."

"This is a funny story," pointed out Freeza, "no one's in character. Why do you think my brother has plugged his tail into that light socket?"

"I'm a light bulb!" declared Cooler happily. Scarlet gave the nutter a quick glance before turning back to Freeza.

"Well if he's a light bulb he should be in the light socket," she declared, "but I see no reason to believe that Goku is a lad's lad."

"Course I am!" said Goku desperately, "Look I drink lots of beer...err…I fart all the time… I hoot at women, any woman… like that one! Nice cans miss!"

"That's nice cans MS!" snapped a familiar voice. Goku went whiter then a sheet.

"I-I wasn't talking about your c-cans!" exclaimed Goku hurriedly. "Not that there not nice, in there own way but errrr…."

"Silence!" snapped Ms Ironstone. "Now I've had a complaint from an anonymous observer that you two have been behaving inappropriately! Again!"

"Which pathetic girl did that?" demanded Freeza, "I mean who would complain about a little harmless fun."

"And!" continued Ms Ironstone firmly, "I received ninety-seven complaints from competitors."

"Wow ninety-seven complaints," mused Goku, "you're a good teacher Freeza."

"Well you don't conquer half the galaxy with out having some talent," said Freeza modestly.

"So you're proud of it are you?" demanded Ms Ironstone.

"Err…" said Goku thinking quickly, "Of course we are! You see it was a cunning ploy to fool people into thinking we were distracted so we could draw the assassin out and catch him or something like that." He finished lamely.

"And it must have been working really well if it fooled you!" added Freeza trying to inject new life into the excuse.

"Yes," said Ms Ironstone coldly, "pity it didn't work nearly as well as that excuse. Do you think I'm-" but she was interrupted by Scarlet hugging Goku.

"I knew it!" she declared happily, "you're not a lad! Now coming into the changing room and be sensitive!"

"Freeza!" screamed Goku helplessly.

"Hark!" said Freeza quickly putting his hand too his ear, "is that the sound of assassins around the corner! We've got to go get them! Come on Goku let's go!" With that he grabbed the startled Saiyan and raced off down the corridor.

"Hey" snapped Scarlet, "I wasn't done yet! Come back here!" and she began to give chase.

"How dare you run off when I'm about to throw you out," screamed Ms Ironstone at the same time. "I'm going to get rid of you even if I have to do it myself." And she ran off too. This of course left Cooler alone, swinging from the light fixing.

"Silly humans" he thought, "I don't know why I bother giving light to them…"

Thanks to youth, years of training, suitable footwear and a twelve second head start Goku and Freeza quickly lost their pursuers. Goku could have kept running all day but Freeza needed breather.

"Thanks for that Freeza," said Goku, "you really got me out a jam there. Odd, that's something I never thought I would say."

"Well perhaps you will remember that when your considering my pay rise," said Freeza helpfully.

"Err sure," said Goku, "what now?"

"We should find somewhere to hide till everyone calms down," said Freeza, "how about in here?" he suggested gesturing to a door behind them.

"Good idea," said Goku. Our heroes quietly slipped through the door and into a theatre. The room was almost full, but Goku and Freeza were able to find themselves a pair of seats in one of the middle rows. It was dark and the seats had high backs. It was the ideal hiding place.

"No one should be able to find us here as long as we're discrete," whispered Goku.

"Yeah," agreed Freeza. He paused and looked around. "What are we watching anyway?" Goku a Freeza looked at the stage. There was a beautiful woman with a microphone to one side of the stage. Next to her stood a huge man wearing a Speedo and doing some sort of dance to loud rock music.

"Hey," said Goku cheerfully, "looks like we've found some sort of fighting tournament."

"Oh good," said Freeza, "I'm in the mood to see someone getting torn to pieces by wild animals!" Goku stared at him. "What?" exclaimed Freeza, "what kind of fighting tournaments did you watch?"

"Never mind," said Goku. Just then the woman spoke into the microphone.

"Thank you Mr Shikk," she announced calmly. Mr Shikk waved and left the stage. "Boy the competition is really hotting up now isn't it," continued the announcer, "I wonder if our next competitor can mach that. Well let's find out, because here he is, it's Mr Earth!"

Goku and Freeza jumped as a huge noise of cheers a whistles erupted from the, apparently, mainly female audience.

"Earth," exclaimed Goku over the screams and music, "that's my home; I wonder who could be representing us?"

Just then a curtain at the back of the stage flew open to revel Cell. The evil Android stood in a spectacular pose, clearly flexing his muscles as much as he could. After a brief silence, filled with comments like; "what exactly is he"; and; "I had heard those earthlings were weird," the crowd decided to start cheering.

"Hey that's not fair!" snapped Goku, "how did Cell manage to enter this tournament? He's supposed to be working! That little skiver!"

"Err" said Freeza, "I don't think this is a fighting tournament, Goku," he finished gesturing to the stage. At that moment Cell came out of his pose and started to move to the music. He flexed and stepped his way across the ring with the kind of pose power a grace you would expect from the perfect being. Well that's what a dance instructor would tell you. Goku said something very different.

"What on Hell is he doing!?" he burst out in shock, "and what is he wearing?"

"He's wearing something?" exclaimed Freeza, "Oh yeah he is, that's a speedo Goku. As for what he's doing, I think he's trying to dance!"

"But why is he doing that?" asked Goku, "Unless he's entered in a…" Goku pause trying hard to contain himself.

"I have a programme here," said Freeza, smiling broadly as he showed it to Goku.

"We shouldn't laugh," said Goku carefully after a pause.

"Yes," agreed Freeza, "that would be petty."

"But Freeza," pointed out Goku, "you are petty!"

"Oh well in that case…"

Eventually the music died down and Cell finished his dance. He thought it had gone rather well. His perfect body was clearly well adjusted to the rhythmic movement. He had even got a bunch of the women watching to scream for him.

"Poor girls," he thought, "they just can't resist perfection, or they're scared witless. Either way it's all good. Something is bothering me though, what was that strange cackling sound in the back ground. "

"Mr Earth, please come over here," called the presenter. Cell obliged. He strolled over to the presenter (whose name was Miss Brecon according to Ernie) and perched on a tall stool that had been set up next to a microphone.

"Well," said Miss Brecon with a smile and voice sweeter the sugar, "I'm sure we were all impressed with your moves there," she pause allowing a few moments for the audience to cheer and scream (and for that cackle to remerge) before continuing, "but now we'd like to spend a few moments getting to know the real you."

"No stick with the fake you!" called a voice from the audience, "it's preferable!" Cell froze, he was sure that he recognised that voice, unfortunately he had no time to look for its source as Miss Brecon had professionally ignored the heckling and asked the first question.

"Mr Earth, why do you think that you are the best man in Hell?" she asked followed by an impossibly large smile.

"Well Miss Brecon, may I call you Sally?" began Cell in his smoothest and most friendly voice.

"Certainly," said Sally with professional friendliness.

"Well Sally," Cell began again, "I believe I am the perfect man because I'm asexual. Thus a woman need not fear any ulterior motive when I'm with them. I ask them if they've read a good book recently it's because I genuinely want to know! Further more I have no sexuality to get insecure about so I'd be perfectly happy to go to a ballet, art gallery or fashion show. In fact I'd probably enjoy them!"

"Well that's a different answer," said Sally thoughtfully, "but I liked it! Okay let's try the next question, what do you look for in a woman?"

"Well," said Cell thoughtfully, "I like a woman who is witty, intelligent and generally pleasant company."

"Aren't you concerned about looks," asked Sally in shock. Cell resisted the temptation to scold her for already forgetting that he was asexual. Instead he calmly;

"They are of secondary importance to me," he said, "You should see the ugly guys I hang out with most of the time, anyone would be better than that." There was a charitable laugh from the audience, quickly followed by two cries of "WHAT!" Cell looked into the audience see where it had come from. It didn't take him very long; Freeza was standing on a seat glaring at him.

"I'm ugly!" bellowed Freeza from the audience, "you're the one who makes small children cry just by looking at them!"

"Actually you do that too," pointed out Goku.

"No I don't!" snapped Freeza, "I steal their ice-cream first, then they cry!"

"See," said Cell turning back to Sally, "those are the kind of charmless yobs I have to put up with. A woman's civility would really improve my life."

"You like women!" exclaimed Goku, "that's a good one. How many women did you kill in your quest to become "perfect"?"

"The same as the number of men I killed," replied Cell quickly, "so I'm clearly indiscriminate!"

"That's a bunch of crap!" began Freeza "didn't you say the other day that-" but he was interrupted by a sudden shout from the wings of the stage.

"THERE THEY ARE!" boomed Ms Ironstone who had been joined by several large security men, "GET THEM!"

"Uh oh!" said Freeza as though he'd just wet himself.

"So much for lying low," added Goku leaping out of his seat and hurrying down the aisle. This of course involved a lot of saying "Excuse me, pardon me, sorry is that your foot," before the two police officers could charge off again. Cell watched them go before sighing heavily.

"Wasn't I made to enter this competition to avoid that?" he thought. "Oh well, since I've entered I might as well try to win."

"Did I mention," he said coolly into the mike, regaining Sally and the audience's attention, "that Jane Austin is my favourite author…"

"Do you think we lost them?" asked Goku as they raced down another corridor.

"I don't know," said Freeza, "perhaps we should try running around in circles and seeing if we catch them up, again!"

"That was not my fault!" snapped Goku. "This place is really poorly sign-posted!"

"You managed to find the canteen alright!" snapped Freeza, "I've never know anyone to take a break from running away to have a snack!"

"Why not," asked Goku "you'll run a lot faster with a good meal behind you."

"I tend to find that you run faster if there's something really scary behind you," said Freeza. Just then they came to a corridor full of changing rooms.

"Right," said Goku, "we better find somewhere else to hide."

"Yes," agreed Freeza, "somewhere with out Cell dancing in a Speedo! I amazed that you could eat after that!"

"Shut up!" snapped Goku, "I was trying to forget about that!" Just then there was a shout from around the corner.

"Help me help me!" cried a female voice in stereotypical damsel in distress tones, "There's an evil drug dealer hired assassin trying to kill me."

"Well he can't be very good," muttered Freeza. "If I was trying to kill someone they wouldn't have time to make such a clumsy scream!"

"Is that the same kind of not having enough time as in I didn't have enough time to get off Namek before it exploded?" asked Goku, smugly.

"Well Mr Hero," snapped Freeza, "if you're so good at saving people why don't you go help her?"

"I can't go help her!" exclaimed Goku, "That sounds like Scarlet. I can't save her because afterwards she'll want to… to congratulate me and stuff!"

"I hate to break this to you Goku," pointed out Freeza, "but it's your job."

"No it isn't technically," said Goku, "my job is to make sure that you do your job! So I order you to go save her! Don't worry I'll help," he continued pointing down the other corridor, "I'll go down here and cut the assassin off if he tries to run okay." And with that the Saiyan ran off.

"Wait a second!" called Freeza as Goku ran off, "I don't think those corridors link up…" but Goku was long gone. "Oh screw it!" snapped Freeza, "I guess it's up to me to be the hero… for the first time actually, so I can't complain too much." With that Freeza ran around the corner towards the screams. "Never fear!" he declared leaping dramatically into the scene, "Freeza's he- COOLER!"

"You talking to me," asked Cooler standing in the middle of the corridor blowing bubbles with his spit.

"What are you doing here!" demanded Freeza, "Where's Scarlet and the assassin."

"All you'll get from me is my name, rank and personnel number!" declared Cooler, "I shall never crack! Not even under torture!"

"Oh no not this again!" grumbled Freeza, "Fine!" he declared turning away, "I don't want to know!"

"The nice lady said she would give me a biscuit if I stood here and did an impression of her in trouble!" said Cooler happily.

"What? Scarlet told you to do that?!" exclaimed Freeza, "so if she isn't here, where is she? Oh no, I've just had a nasty, yet amusing thought…"

Goku hurried down the corridor. He didn't get very far before two things occurred to him. Firstly that Freeza was right, these corridors didn't link up. Secondly that someone had grabbed his collar. Goku skidded to a halt as he was choked by his own shirt. He quickly swung round to see who his assailant was. It wasn't good news.

"Hi handsom!" said Scarlet seductively, "is that a gun in your pocket or are you just pleased to see me."

"Err I think it's a packet of Sweets actually," said Goku nervously, "You could have one if you like….Only I can't reach into that pocket with you standing so close…"

"Don't worry," purred Scarlet, "I'll help myself."

"Okay," said Goku sweating profusely, "You do that, it'll be quicker… Then I can go back and help that other woman who sounds a lot like you and must be in trouble you know…"

"Oh don't worry about that," interrupted Scarlet, as Goku tried to back away, "That was just something I set up so that we could be alone. I don't want anyone to interrupt us while I practice for the talent round. Do you know what my talent is?"

"Is it cooking?" asked Goku hoping beyond hope. Scarlet shook her head as Goku backed into a wall.

"I'll show you," she declared moulding her self up against the paralysed Saiyan and kissing him on the lips. Almost all of Goku gave in and prepared to do what his natural instincts were telling him too. All except one hand with desperately reached out to grab something that wasn't Scarlet. It found a door handle. The hand quickly opened the door causing both Goku and Scarlet to fall into the room on the other side. This didn't help matters however.

"An empty changing room!" gasped Scarlet delightedly, "This'll be really private, you do think of everything don't you!"

"Yes," said Goku rapidly leaping to his feet, "I do. And I think it might be even more private in…" the Saiyan rapidly look around for a window, a door, an air vent, any sort of exit. Finding nothing Goku improvised and charged head first though the nearest wall. He smashed strait though it into a closet that was on the other side. Moments later he smashed his way out of the closet, tripping over most of its contents and landing in a heap upon the floor of the neighbouring changing room. The man already occupying the new changing room looked surprised to see Goku.

"Oh I'm sorry," said Goku quickly, "Looks like you're already in here, I guess this isn't more private after all. I'll be going then-" just then he noticed what he had knocked out of the closet. There were hundreds and hundreds of packets of white powder. "Hold on a second what is this stuff."

"Err talcum powder!" said the man quickly. Goku looked at it closer.

"This isn't talcum powder," he declared, "it's cocaine! It says so right here on the label. Which means you must be the drug dealer!" he declared delightedly. "I might have known that it would be you… err who are you?"

"I'm off!" declared the man, running for the door. He didn't quite make it before the door flew open and hit him in the face. Mr Off, if that was his real name, collapsed into a heap on the floor.

"I've found him!" declared Cooler, "and the picture's going to be perfect!"

Excellent!" declared Freeza, jumping into the doorway with a camera held high, "Wait until Chi-what ever it is, sees- wait a minute, this isn't incriminating at all!"

"I know," said Cooler making notes on a pad "but it is the perfect example of a standing Saiyan. Look at its poise and grace. What an amazing creature it is. It's hard to believe that one day they will evolve into dinosaurs."

"Shut up Cooler!" snapped Freeza, pushing the budding natural scientist to one side.

"I thought you might like to know that I caught the drug dealer," declared Goku proudly pointing to the man on the floor, "You know what that means?"

"That, Scarlet is now safe and we don't have to stay here anymore obviously," snapped Freeza, "honestly I think you could have worked that one out yourself." Goku was about to say something when Scarlet came up behind him.

"You saved me Goku!" she declared with a mixture of relief and determination, "let's go celebrate, in private." She went to grab Goku's hand but the Saiyan jumped out the way.

"Sorry Scarlet," he lied, "but I don't have time for that. I have to get Mr Off to jail then I have to do some patrolling etc." he continued picking up the unconscious Mr Off "There's a lot of Hell you see and not very many police officers. I'll call you sometime though."

"Call me!" exclaimed Scarlet, "but you don't have my number."

"Oh that's okay," said Goku, "because I don't have a phone."

"What about the office ph- OW!" exclaimed Cooler.

"Ooops," said Goku, "I'm so sorry Cooler, I didn't see your tail there."

"Apology accepted," said Cooler cheerfully.

"Great," said Goku, "now RUN!"

A few hours later Goku, Freeza and the Cell Jrs were sitting in the HIFLPD police station drinking coco. This is something retired people usually do but since Goku and Freeza hadn't lived long enough to retire they had decided to do it now.

"Well what a day that was," mused Goku, "but I think it was quite successful. We arrested that drug lord, I didn't give into temptation, we managed to get Cooler back in the cupboard…."

"I got slapped a record number of times," added Freeza apparently quite pleased about the fact.

" …and we had that great breakfast at Cooler's restaurant," completed Goku.

"Gaaaak!" interrupted a Cell Jr, Goku thought it was D.

"Oh yeah and the Cell Jrs stopped a run away train carrying nuclear waste from crashing and leaving Hell city uninhabitable for thousands of years," added Goku as though it was no big deal.

"And best of all we finished early," said Freeza.

"No," corrected Goku, "best of all we have a great successes to show the Kios! This is two major criminals we've taken down in two stories, I mean months. They'll never be able to shut us down now, as long as Ms Ironstone doesn't tell them about how we ruined the pageant."

"I don't think she will," said Freeza calmly, "well not for a few months anyway."

"How come," asked Goku, Freeza merely smiled. This of course made Goku suspicious. "Freeza what did you do?" he demanded.

"Nothing really," said Freeza innocently. "Well you remember when you where tying Mr Off up in the back of the car as we were leaving. Well Ms Ironstone wasn't very keen for us to leave with her having another shout at us or something like that. Anyway she was a little too slow at, well, getting out of the way…"

"So that's what those bumps were," mused Goku. "We better send her a get well soon card, so there are no hard feelings."

"I'm not sure that a get well soon card is really going to make everything better Goku," said Freeza, "It would probably be better to say nothing and hope she's too brain damaged to remember anything about us."

"That's not very nice Freeza," said Goku, "I know we got off on the wrong foot with her but I'm sure she would be a nice and forgiving woman if we just showed her some kindness."

"Oh for crying out loud Goku," snapped Freeza, "When will you give up this "there's good in everyone" belief of yours. It's incredibly annoying!"

"You're only annoyed because you haven't been evil enough to prove me wrong," declared Goku smugly. Freeza thought for a moment.

"Yes you're right Goku," he admitted at last. "There's good in everyone even me. So I'll sign your get well soon card…. When you call Scarlet."

"What!" exclaimed Goku, almost leaping out of his chair, "I'm not calling that crazy girl!"

"But Goku," said Freeza with false innocence "you promised you would. Surely that wasn't a lie?"

"Well, it might have been a little one," admitted Goku, "I mean it wasn't that I didn't like Scarlet, she was a nice person. It's just she was a…"

"Manipulative slut," suggested Freeza.

"Those aren't the words I would have used," said Goku, "but otherwise…Yeah."

"Tut tut Goku," said Freeza critically, "you're hardly setting a good example to the Cell Jrs about how to treat woman." Goku paused and looked down at the Cell Jrs who were all staring at him expectantly.

"Err… don't worry kids," he said at last, "not all woman are "manipulative sluts" like Scarlet."

"No matter how much I wish they were," muttered Freeza, "and that I had something they might want to manipulate me for…"

"There are lots of nice men and women out there for you to find when you get old enough. Trust me. Like my wife Chi-Chi…"

"Bad example Goku," interrupted Freeza, "She's hardly a nice delicate flower!"

"I still love her!" snapped Goku angrily.

"You love rice cakes too," retorted Freeza, "that's hardly a sign of good taste."

"Well Freeza since you've completely ruined my moral for this story perhaps you'd like to suggest your own!" snapped Goku.

"It's not my job to lecture these kids!" grumbled Freeza, "it's Cell's. Where is that neglectful jerk anyway?" Just then, as it on cue the door opened and, surprise surprise, Cell walked in carrying an enormous trophy.

"Hello losers!" he declared cheerfully. Goku and Freeza look at him and then turned back to their coco. "Well," demanded Cell impatiently, "Aren't you going to ask me about the trophy."

"Aren't you going to tell us anyway," retorted Freeza.

"Yes I am," snapped Cell, "you see according to a panel of judges, backed up by a telephone vote, I'm the most desirable man in hell. Apparently the ladies love a sensitive, caring, biologically perfect man in uniform. Of course this means that an asexual android is more of a man then you losers."

"Why are we losers?" asked Freeza, "When we didn't waste our afternoon prancing around in a Speedo."

"Because you're going to spend your evening looking after my kids and drinking coco while I'm going on a date!" declared Cell, "It's with the winner of the Miss HIFL contest too at the best restaurant in town."

"What's the taking you honey?" asked a familiar voice, "are we at the restaurant yet?" Goku instantly ducked down into his chair so that he couldn't be seen as Scarlet entered the room.

"Of course we are," said Cell coolly taking her arm, "just though this door." Cell opened the door of a particular closet. He was immediately greeted by hundreds on camera flashes from the media that had assembled on the other side, apparently in a street. Cell and Scarlet smiled professionally and walked into the closet, across the street and to the entrance of the restaurant where the head waiter was standing.

"Ah, Mr Bond," said Cooler warmly, "what a pleasant surprise, we have been expecting you. May I show you two to your table?" It was at this point that Goku closed the closet door.

"Cell's going out with Scarlet!" he exclaimed, "how can that be possible…I mean he's a complete freak!"

"Someone sounds jealous," laughed Freeza, he paused for a moment, "and it's not just me!"

"I'm not jealous!" snapped Goku, "Just a little irritated that she went off me so quickly!"

"At least she was on you for a while," grumbled Freeza, "I never even get far enough for a woman to go off me! Still I don't think Scarlet will have as good an evening as she hopes."

"Why not?" asked Goku.

"Because Cell's asexual" began Freeza, "so he's cellibate!" he finished beaming at Goku and the Cell Jrs.

"Freeza," said Goku, "Don't give up the day job."

Okay I've finally finished the chapter. I have to admit that I have run out of steam with the shorts right now and I need a break from it for a while. Thus I have decided to write an all new humour story in the DBZ section which I hope to shortly after the New Year. I hope you'll join me for that. Once I've finish it I hope to be ready to take on the shorts again as there are still a bunch of your suggestions I want to turn into chapters.

Still while I'm taking this break I'll do some credits. I'd like to thank Maktoa 2112 for beta reading this story, my brother, Writer-Person, Happyface101, densetsu no super saiyajin, asdfghjkl, ChaosGhidorah, katanbuilder3, aquasage, Vablatzky, Witch of Erie Knoll, Zaya Ayame, CB, baka chibi (cooler is in his fourth form for you), Blaze ocean dragon, onedrunkwriter, chaos-bardock, jessiegurl2, Sanne-chan, for all your reviews suggestions and imput, Akira Toriyama for creating Dragonball Z and everyone who has read this story. You make it all worth while. See you soon.