A/N: I just realized I skipped a day. Lucky readers you'll get two chapters today.
Chapter Ten
Angel's Guiding Hand Jo
My head is filled with Erik this morning, well that is no different than every other morning lately. What is different is that tonight we will not be going to separate beds. Nothing Erik could say to me will make any difference to how I feel about him. Even if he tells me he still loves that other woman I will still love him. I won't like knowing his affections are elsewhere but I can deal with that given time. I can make him love me if I show him how it is to be loved every day by someone willing to love him day to day. The heart does grow fonder with absence up to a point. Given no nourishment over a given time anything will eventually die. I feel Erik is right on the precipice just about to topple over the edge and I will be the lucky one to catch him. He doesn't even know how wonderful he is. I suppose he has not always had someone to tell him such things. It will be my lot in life to make him see everything me and the children see in him.
Today being Christmas Eve it will be difficult to have a moment alone with Erik until after the children are in bed. With them believing Erik is Santa Claus they likely will stay up far past their usual bedtime. That has been the case in the past and then they had no one living in the house to suspect of being anyone other than who they claimed to be. I have the doll tucked away safely along with the new rifle Uncle Charlie had bought months before he passed away to give to Amanda and Jason. Uncle Charlie and I had disagreed on the twenty-two but he had said that out here it is necessary for everyone to at least know how to fire a gun. With Indian raids still occurring I knew he was right but I didn't have to like it. Children should not have need of such desparate measures to protect themselves. I saved these things for a time that would not bring painful reminders to Jason or Amanda. What would have been birthday gifts will now sit under the tree. I believe enough time has passed for them to look on the gifts with fond memories rather than the fresh stab of pain it would have caused earlier had I given them those things on their birthday as Uncle Charlie had planned.
Erik had snuck out at the crack of dawn to go where I have no clue. Hearing the horses snickering I had gone to the window to investigate. I had been just in time to see Erik ride off in the direction of his home. If the whistling wind had not chosen just then to make itself heard, I wouldn't have been tempted back into my nice snug warm bed. Erik is nearly back to his old self but I still worry lest that darn horse of his spooks again. Knowing how much he has to live for he'll not take any unnecessary risks. I want to make this year extra special for us all but most of all for Erik. Money being tight during the winter I had to improvise a present for him. In the back of Uncle Charlie's wardrobe had been a dressing gown someone had given him at some point and not wanting to hurt the gift giver's feelings he had shoved it to the back of the closet rather than toss it out as I am sure he would have liked to do. I had never seen him wear it and hadn't known of it until I looked for clothes for Erik to wear.
It is a style gentlemen might wear during a leisurely morning supping tea and eating scones with family. Not Uncle Charlie's taste at all. The white fur at the cuffs and around the whole of the outer part of the garment gave it sophistication but also a somewhat dandyish look that would not have gone down well with the man Uncle Charlie was. Erik on the other hand dresses normally like a man about town. Even out here where there is little in the way of sophisticated tastes he dressed formally all the time. I could imagine that long burgundy clothe wrapped around him with nothing underneath. Oh lord the way my imagination takes wings and flies is astounding and quite breathtaking.
I want to give something personal to him as well so have been working diligently in spare stolen moments of privacy to embroider his initials and a few randomly placed roses on a piece of fine silk I bought at the second hand shop. It will make a fine scarf to wrap around Erik's neck. Would that I could be that scarf. I think it is a piece left over from a brides dress. If it were mine I'd have kept every scrap but lucky for me others aren't as sentimental about such things as I am. I have finished it and will wrap it and the dressing gown sometime this afternoon along with the presents for Jason and Amanda. I really can't linger much longer for I can hear the children in the other room. They'll be demanding breakfast in a little while. I have to say I am quite hungry myself. I wanted to wait for Erik to return but if we eat slowly enough he may join us before we finish. I'll keep the coffee pot warming in any case. When I here the clamouring of feet running downstairs I know I must at last leave my warm cacoon.
When I at last leave my room I am surprised by what I see. Even from the top of the stairs I can see massive amounts of mistletoe hanging almost everywhere I look. Erik has to be responsible for this. I could understand one sprig hanging in a doorway or from one of the beams near the fireplace but this is a declaration of intent or Erik merely likes this plant most consider a nuisance in their gardens. I will be certain to stand under every sprig in the house. My step is lighter as I trip down the stairs humming a Christmas song.
I don't even step down off the last stair before Jason comes running from the kitchen to declare piteously, "Jo my stomach is growling like an old grizzly bear. Would you believe it? Someone came during the night and ate the last cinnamon bun. I had dibs on that bun. Amanda says she didn't take it. Did you take my bun?"
"No I didn't take your bun. Perhaps Erik did. He left early this morning shortly before the sun came up. I guess he took it to eat on the way to wherever he is going."
Jason stops to stare up at me with wide eyes and mouth dropped open. His voice is filled with wonder when he asks, "Do you suppose it's for his sleigh ride tonight? It is Christmas Eve. Now I know how he manages to visit so many houses. He starts first thing in the morning. That makes perfect sense. Amanda and I have been watching him wondering if he'd leave a few days early but it makes better sense to deliver everything tonight, that way no one gets their feelings hurt."
He runs off shouting to Amanda before I can say one word, 'Amanda he is Santa Claus, he is for sure, I didn't believe it before but you were right. He ate my cinnamon bun to hold him over while he went to give those other boys and girls their toys. Wouldn't they be so jealous to know he lives with us? He's gone and won't be back until tomorrow. That's how he gets all those presents to all those people, he starts real early."
"Oh I just knew he was special. Uncle Charlie told me in a dream to look out for the angel but I think he meant Santa Claus. He told me the angel would bring great things to us. Wait until I tell that hoity-toity Madeleine Gruber we have Santa Claus living with us. That will show her to brag about her dreary old porcelain dolls and tea sets. I'd much rather we had Erik any old day." Lest she seem greedy she adds, "I'd want Erik even if he wasn't Santa Claus but he is so there Madeleine Miss Know It All Gruber."
"I have told you Erik is only a man just like any other," I protest half-heartedly. They will believe he is Santa whatever I say and I can't say it is anything that will hurt them. They will lose childish wonder far too early as it is. Why not let them have a few years of make believe?
"Well then explain why he is gone today, Christmas Eve," Jason demands with his arms obstinately crossed.
"He must have had an errand to run or any number of reasons for going out in the bitter cold while still hampered by his leg." To my own ears this is a weak reason and lends more credence to their argument than mine.
"Jo, you better watch what you say or he'll know and you won't get anything but a lump of coal in your stocking," Amanda whispers as she looks around as if to find Erik peering from around a corner in the kitchen. When she sees no one she continues to try to save me from myself by adding, "Just listen for a minute," she instructs then begins to count off on her fingers, "One, he has a beard. Two he makes toys. Three he likes children. Four, he didn't have to let us call him Papa. Five, he married you not us but doesn't mind having us here but most of all, what really makes me believe is how special Erik makes me feel. Whenever he says anything my insides feel funny and nothing seems as frightening as it used to be with him around."
"Yeah, he must be brave. Look how he took all what those old biddies…uh ladies in town said and didn't twitch an eye. If the two of you weren't going to get married I would've socked somebody," Jason manfully declares with hands on his hips and legs spread wide. I have seen Erik in a similar stance on a good number of occassions.
Amanda is as besotted with Erik as I am and who can blame her? He has done more with and for her than any father figure since Uncle Charlie. It isn't any wonder she adores him. Jason is falling under Erik's spell just like the rest of us. He feels much the same only his feelings for Erik are not for the same reasons as we women share. He does care for Erik in a father to son way but more than that Erik is someone Jason can look up to. Jason is an intelligent boy, far superior I think than I shall ever be. He needs someone like Erik to teach him more than he can learn here on the ranch or at the town's small school. For now the school will help teach him the basics but once his mind begins to mature and question everything I won't have the answers so it is my hope that Erik will share his vast knowledge with Jason. The two of them will make quite a pair once Jason comes into his own.
"Well now, I thought you both were hungry. If I was mistaken I think I'll go sit by the fire and read for a while."
"I am starving," Amanda declares clutching at her belly.
"Those old dirty boots by the back door look awfully good right now. You better fix me something quick before I tear into the first boot."
Amanda goes to the doorway to the mudroom. She picks up one of the boots and asks, "Isn't this Erik's boot? If his boot is here then…"
"If his boot is here he must have come back," Jason yells over his shoulder and heads out of the kitchen. His destination isn't hard to figure out and Amanda is right behind him. They are headed for the tree.
Two very disappointed children are standing looking at the decorated tree dismally as nothing is beneath it. Looking up at me with worry Amanda asks, "Jo I have been good haven't I? I mean, not bad enough to not get anything but a lump…" At this point she stops speaking to race to the fireplace where they must have hung their stockings before I came down. She grabs at the bottom with both hands and feels around for anything that might be in the bottom. Turning back around relief fills her voice as she informs us, "I don't have coal. Well actually I don't have anything. Do you suppose he came home to rest so he could finish his job?"
"Of course silly. He does have a hurt leg remember. I'll bet he could do it all in one trip if he didn't still have a limp." Jason is looking at me hopefully wanting me to confirm what he believes. He is of an age when the idea of a man going to so many homes to deliver toys in one night is becoming harder to believe with every year that passes.
"You know, I'll bet you're right. Why don't we all go into the kitchen, make breakfast, then see if Erik comes down once he smells everything cooking? If he doesn't come down maybe we can make him a tray and take it upstairs to him. After all, I think it is my duty as his wife to make sure he is fed and rested before continuing with all he has to get done."
I love sharing mornings like this and it would be perfect if Erik would come down to join us. Everything is just about ready and I have placed the last platter on the stove top to warm. I go out to check that the table is set. Just when I am about to go upstairs Erik comes down and even with my back to him I know he is standing just behind me waiting for me to turn around. I do so and nearly drop to the floor from shock.
It is terrible, horrible and I can't help but cry. Erik's poor face, his beautiful wonderful face has been shaved with not one whisker covering anything. I knew from what I had been able to see before that much worse must be hidden from view. His skin has a reddish cast to it on the right side. I could see it more clearly now that nothing hid him from me. The skin is thicker in some places than others. With his hair trimmed his other defects are more noticeable. The right eye droops just the tiniest bit. I want to go to him and draw him tightly against me. I fear that showing too much emotion will make him believe I am disturbed about his face. I am disturbed just not in the way he would imagine if I don't get myself under control.
Treating him as I normally would, will show him that it isn't his face I fell in love with, I did but it isn't all that draws me to Erik. I can't explain what it is about him to myself, so how can I explain it to anyone else? Even with the deformity Erik is a striking man. Having gotten my tears under control I hook my arm around his and as calmly as I can I ask, "Are you hungry? Jason is quite irritated with you for purloining his morning treat. If this was not Christmas Eve and he half believes you are Santa Claus you would be on his wrong side this morning."
We haven't taken but two steps when Erik halts abruptly nearly causing me to fall backwards. When I look enquiringly at him I can see he is looking upward. A large sprig of mistletoe is hanging on a beam just at the bottom of the stairs.
"Jason said it is customary to forfeit a kiss if one is standing under mistletoe. If I am not mistaken that is mistletoe is it not?" His innocent query doesn't fool me for a minute. Since he is the one to put it there he must know what it is and its significance. I'll play along with his game as after all it will benefit me as well.
"Well I don't suppose it would be right to not observe a custom. What sort of example would that be for the children? I must do all I can to impress newcomers such as yourself." I am surprised my tongue didn't trip over my embellished sense of pride in a custom I had never practiced before.
For the longest time we stare into one another's eyes until it begins to feel uncomfortable. Taking a step closer to Erik I hope this gives him the hint that I am only waiting for him to make a move before I do, well one could argue that I already made the first move.
Erik bends down his head to mine. I close my eyes anticipating one of those toe curling kisses he has given me before. Instead I feel his lips touch my cheek and then feel him pull away. When I open my eyes all I see is the back of Erik as he disappears behind the kitchen door. Well that isn't what I expected at all. I am all stirred up and have no way to expend my energy. I take heart in the fact that the house is nearly wall to wall mistletoe or more precisely beam to beam. I have a feeling I am in for a very interesting day. My step is lighter and I am sure if I looked down my feet would not be touching the floor.
The kitchen is the only place Erik seemed to miss decorating so I will not be lingering in there this morning. He missed the area around the tabvle as well. Just finishing my last bite of pancake I am ready to clear the dishes when Erik stands up reaching into his pocket and pulls out what had once been a healthy sprig of mistletoe. Now it was somewhat flat and lifeless. Despite that Erik comes around to stand behind me and taps me on the shoulder. When I look up at him he has that pitiful bit of greenery over my head. What could I do other than stand and offer my lips like a sacrificial lamb?
I think I am going to like this game Erik has invented. As the day progresses I have to confess that I deliberately stood beneath a sprig just so I could get a kiss. Amanda got into the spirit of things when she caught Erik standing unsuspectingly beneath one of his own sprigs. He bent down to accommodate the little lady. Flirting outrageously she curtsied deeply nearly toppling over. Erik caught himself before his laughter could burst forth ruining Amanda's bid at trying to be grown up. Bless her, she added a new rule to this business of kissing under the mistletoe. She said it was only fair she kiss his cheek just as he kissed hers. When he would have turned his left cheek to her she placed her hand on that cheek and turned his head so she could reach the right side of his face. Erik manfully kept his composure but had to turn away quickly before we could see the tears I am sure are on the verge of falling.
Tonight we both tuck the children in and Erik tells them the story of the first Christmas just as he promised, or perhaps threatened is a better word in Jason's case. I have to say I have never heard it told with such emotion. When I closed my eyes it was as if I were there among those shepherds and animals filling that stable on that most wondrous night known to man. Uncle Charlie told me that Erik has a sort of love hate relationship with God and I can understand why but listening to him retell the story of the birth of our savior I can hear the conviction and belief in his tone. It is not merely an oft repeated tale he is imparting to us but a story he truly believes in whether he will admit it or not. Erik is more a believer than he knows.
I can see by Erik's hesitation in coming closer to me that tonight will not go as I planned. It is just as well. I have gifts to place beneath the tree and I would imagine Erik does too. The children will be awake half the night due to overexcitement. It doesn't matter what time they fall asleep on Christmas Eve the morning of Christmas I think they beat the rooster's crow.
Saving us any awkward moments I tiptoe and kiss Erik chastely on his cheek. I have yet to make a comment on him shaving his beard and am rather proud of Jason and Amanda for not mentioning it either. I must say that they are becoming quite grownup when it comes to certain matters like the feelings of others for instance.
As soon as Erik closes his door I go into my room to retrieve the first armful of presents. I added a few gifts to what Uncle Charlie left for them. I didn't buy much but I did manage to sew a shirt for Jason and a new pinafore for Amanda. I also knitted them hats, a scarf and mittens from different colored yarn left over from various projects. They won't mind if they don't match because they know it is made with love. Tomorrow I hope that Erik will know how much he is loved also.
Once in my room a sudden weariness overcomes me. Perhaps I'll lie down for a bit then take the presents downstairs later. My bed looks so inviting with the coverlet turned down. My gown is placed ready for me to put it on and my slippers are beside the bed. Who could have come in and done that? I must be sure to comment on how much I appreciated the thoughtful gesture. I have settled and am drifting off to sleep when I begin to dream of Uncle Charlie, at least I think it is a dream. I hear him speaking as clearly as if he is right in front of me.
"Jo, Jo, Jo. What am I to do with you and Erik? Left to the two of you Jason and Amanda will be grown with children of their own before you and Erik produce one great-nephew or great-niece for me. Girl I thought I taught you better how to go after what you wanted. Well don't worry now. Old Uncle Charlie is here to see to things. Couldn't come before tonight, being dead and all."
Something that feels like a kiss brushes my cheek. When I open my eyes there is no one there. I must have been dreaming. I know Uncle Charlie couldn't have been here.
I notice the fire is going cold. I know I put wood on it before I slid under the covers and it was nice and toasty. What could have caused it to go out? Not liking the idea of getting out of my nice warm cozy bed I go over to the fireplace. Only a few coals are glowing beneath the wood I put on before going to bed. I could see the black on the bark where it had been burning. Reaching into the kindling box I find it empty. I know very well I filled it earlier today.
As dark as it is I can't make out much from the dim light of the coals. Running my hand along the mantle to find the box of matches I can find nothing there. Beginning to shiver now, I wonder if I should go in and sleep with Amanda. It is either sleep in her room or freeze in mine. I am almost to her door when I realize this is my perfect moment to join Erik in his bed. Surely he wouldn't turn me away and leave me to catch my death of a cold.
Well even if nothing happens at least I'll have one night to say I shared a bed with Erik.