Guns? Check. Combat armor at top condition? Check. Giant pile grenades? Check. Pip boy filled with 12 terabytes of Old World pornography…? Oh sweet Helen of Troy yes!

"Operation: Bend Dave Over With Baseball Bats is a go." I announced seriously into my walkie-talkie.

"…That's gay." Billy's voice finally crackled through the walkie-talkie.

"What?"

"That title is literally very gay, Lone."

"Is not!"

"It's like being an extra in Twilight gay."

"… I don't get the reference…"

"… Okay, how about its Freddie Mercury's moustache gay, Lone."

My eyes grew wide as dinner plates. "Freddie Mercury's moustache was gay?!"

"NO! That's not what I…" Billy trailed off, his voice growing aggravated. "Know what? Never mind. The plan has nothing to do with baseball bats anyway!"

"Shhhhh!" I shushed into the walkie-talkie. "No spoilers! I'm already near the compound anyway."

"Got it." Billy sighed, "But be careful with those walkie-talkies, it took me days to repair them after we found 'em."

"Roger." I replied briskly. "I'll update you later."

I quickly pocketed the walkie-talkie and looked up to see the chain linked fence and small buildings that was, The Republic of Dave. It wasn't much to look at in the first place. Three to four buildings and a large fence that surrounded the whole town. Oh and the 20 + raiders that guarded the compound, who were now staring at me as I walked to the main gate. All of their faces were a mix of suspicion and greed. Good thing I looked heavily armed or these guys would have started shooting already.

One them, an ugly dude with a purple mohawk climbed over the fence and walked over to me threateningly… or tried to would be more accurate.

"Whacha' doin out here in the middle of nowhere, pretty boy?" Purple Mohawk sneered, aiming his scoped revolver at my face.

"Oh stop it you!" I cheerfully cried out as I grabbed his arm that had the gun and twisted it to an extremely painful looking angle. "My names The Lone Wanderer and can I name you Darryl?"

"AGGGGGHHHH!" Purple Mohawk screamed, clearly joyful at my naming of him.

I know, Im just that awesome.

"Cool! Thanks, Darryl!" I said happily as I twisted his arm more, and more, and more until I could hear a loud CRACK!

Darryl's eyes went wide before he let out his most loudest and blood curdling scream yet! "EEEEEYAAAAAAAAAAAGGGHH!"

He screamed a couple more times before I picked up his revolver from the ground and pistol whipped him into unconsciousness. He fell to the ground with a thud and finally the screams stopped, only to be replaced by deathly silence. I look over to the remaining raiders and found them just standing there, stunned, with looks of surprise on their faces.

"So…" I said nonchalantly as I put the scoped revolver into my backpack. "You guys hiring?"

A bunch of the raiders quickly led me to President Dave's house, which was, predictably, in the center of the whole settlement. Meanwhile, the rest of the raiders were… um, "taking care" of Darryl, and by "taking care" I mean mercilessly beating him to death for being incapacitated so quickly by some random wastelander.

"You know, guys; the point of knocking him unconscious was to not kill him right?" I commented off handedly.

The raiders continued to march on in silence, though one raider offered a shrug, "No one liked him anyway."

And that was that.

We finally reached Dave's house, imagine my surprise when I found that there was this huge dude with short brown hair and a big leather jacket was standing guard. Now, double that surprise when I found out that the big dude was Dave's son Bob.

"Me name Bob!" He barked. "Me son of Dave! Me unique!"

"Actually, you look like every other male Talon Company merc that I killed on the way here." I replied.

He growled in response, not looking happy at all. "Why you here? You see my father?"

I nodded, "Yeah. I needed a job and I figured you guys had it."

"Hmmm." said Bob. "You look strong. Go in."

Glad to see that even the simple minded can see my greatness. Not that it wasn't completely obvious or anything but anyways, I finally get to step into the President's house. It was way more of a trash hole than I imagined. There was litter everywhere and the house was infested with children, who were just doing random things to entertain themselves around the house no doubt. Aside from the children, there were a couple of male raiders lounging around and two women running around trying to entertain the children, prevent said children from hurting themselves, and doing general house chores while the men relaxed.

Boy, society sure has evolved socially over the years, especially for women. Right, you guys?

Sarcasm aside though, the house was a pure mess. The raiders that led me into the house and Bob quickly ushered me into a small office where, sitting behind a desk, with the exact same leather jacket that Bob was wearing, a goatee, and a fully bald head was the one and only, President Dave.

To my surprise, El Presidente jumped up enthusiastically at my entrance. "Welcome, friend! I am so glad to finally meet you!"

"Yeah… Likewise." I said stoically.

"Ah! A humble and soft spoken one I see!" Dave said loudly.

Not even close, buddy.

But I stoically agreed anyway, "Yeah… soft humble or something… likewise."

"He's soooooo cool!" A couple of female raiders in the room yelled as they swooned and then fainted.

President Dave narrowed his eyes. "You do know why I know who you are and what I'm doing with all these raiders right… Lone Wanderer?"

I stared, shrugged, and then nodded. Stoically. "Sure."

"Hahaha, you've been making quite a reputation for yourself in the Capital Wasteland, m'boy." President Dave said as he playfully wagged his finger at me. "Not much, but the bodies of Talon Company mercs and raiders you have left behind are quite numerous."

I guess he didn't know that I wasn't doing all those killings alone. Billy, Maggy, and Commander Cobra are as much to blame for those deaths as I am. Oh well, might as well use this to my advantage.

"Yeah… I guess I killed all those guys…"

"Him! Sooo! Cooool!" This time it was Bob who yelled this and then fainted.

"Good to know that my sources can be trusted!" said Dave. "Now, let me explain what's up with all these raiders up in my settlement yo!"

I tilted my head ever so slightly to show that I was listening. "Word."

"Now, I plan to take over the Capital Wasteland with an army of raiders." Dave cheerfully explained. "But not just to take over the Capital Wasteland. But to take over the Capital Wasteland."

"… You realize that saying things in italics doesn't change anything right?"

He blinked. "Excuse me?"

It was the most stupidest plan ever and I realized then and there that this man was a complete idiot and that he reminded me of a certain someone who raised me since I was a baby. My father. At the mere thought of him, an aura of rage and blood lust enveloped me, but I quickly hid it due to present company.

"Nothing, never mind." I said quickly, "What… rewards would I get if I helped you accomplish this plan of yours, President?"

"Ah! Glad you asked!" Dave cried out, "Call my two wives over here, please!"

The two women whom I saw earlier quickly entered the room and went to Dave's sides. The one with brown hair went to Dave's right, while then blonde one went to Dave's left. Both of them were now staring at me with interest, hints of lust twinkled in their eyes.

"Let me introduce you my wives." Dave said, he then pointed his wife on his right, "This is wife number 1, or Stupid Wife as we like to call her since she agreed to let me have another wife."

Stupid Wife smiled warmly at me and nodded.

Dave then pointed to the wife on his left. "And this is slutty wife, who wanted to marry me even if I had a wife already!"

Slutty Wife smirked, pulled a purple lollipop from out of nowhere and started licking it seductively. Sigh, so hot and cliché that it burns my loins.

"If you help me make this plan a success, you'll not only be swimming in bottle caps, you can also have a go at slutty wife as many times as you want!" Dave yelled.

"… Can I have Stupid Wife instead? Slutty Wife's cool and all but I'd rather have a prettier and experienced woman." I said, flashing a grin at Stupid wife, who blushed profusely in response.

Dave responded by laughing out loud. "Bold I see! I like that! Fine you can have whoever you want, even both if you're feeling up to it!"

That got the two wives' attention, who were now staring and smiling at me intensely. These poor women, if I was forced to sleep with only Dave then I would sleep with me in a threesome too.

"Then you got yourself a deal, Mr. President." I extended my hand.

"I don't usually hire anyone more handsome than me but youre an exception! Welcome aboard!" clasping my hand in a firm handshake.

I'm not going to go into detail on what I had to do to earn my right as number one mercenary to Dave and his little army of morons, but let's just say I did a lot of killing, stoic talking, and a little ass kissing. It was all paying off so far, the raiders loved me, Dave loved me, his wives really loved me but were too scared to act up on it, and if I had a clone I would do him, which shows how much I love myself. Everything was right in the world, and going according to plan.

While on patrol, I quickly snuck behind a nearby building and crouched down, slowly taking out my walkie-talkie. I looked around to make sure no one was looking, seeing as the space that I was currently occupying was empty; I let out a small sigh of relief and turned the walkie-talkie on.

"Billy? If you can hear me right now, I'm pretty knee deep in this operation, I'm surrounded and my cover could be blown at any minute and… I could really die here, man…" I paused, closed my eyes real tight, and took a deep breath, finally I started talking again. "Listen, if I don't make it, I just want you to know… I renamed the plan: 'Painfully Penetrate Dave with Baseball Bats'"

"…" I was only answered with silence.

"Bill-?"

"WHAT IS WITH YOU AND GAY ACTIVITIES INVOLVING BASEBALL BATS?!" Billy's voice roared from the walkie-talkie.

"Hey you didn't like the first name so I changed it! What more do you want from me?" I argued, laughing all the while.

"Ughh, whatever…! Anyway, the plan's going well I hope?"

I quickly looked around again to make sure no one was around before answering. "It seems like they trust me… for now. I don't know how much long I can hold onto this façade honestly."

I could hear Billy sigh from the other side of the call, "Everything's already set up on my end, you won't have to keep pretending to be their number one mercenary for long."

"Good to hear, sorry I gave you the hard part of the plan, dude. It must not have been easy."

"Trust me it wasn't." Billy laughed. "But I was lucky and I got what we needed pretty quickly. Hey, remember that Burke douche bag who asked you to detonate the nuke in Megaton?"

"Yeah…" I trailed off.

"Well. Are you going to detonate it?"

I stayed silent and thought really hard for what seemed like hours, when really it was just five minutes. Did I really want to kill everyone in Megaton just for the sake of destroying the one true scourge of the earth: Moira Brown? The answer is yes, I would, but everyone in Megaton is so nice… and less annoying than the inbred inhabitants of vault 101… I made the decision then and there.

"Yeah, I'm detonating it. But, it's not going to kill you, Maggie, or anyone else in Megaton… Just her."

"What!?" Billy yelled out, dumbfounded.

"Look, I'll explain at a later chapter, okay? Right now we have to focus on the task at hand! I'll contact you later alright?"

"… Okay, I… I trust you with this, Lone. Don't let me down, Creel out." Billy said before I turned my walkie-talkie off. I stood up and dusted myself off, prepared to do so more espionage before I could hit the sack.

Too bad there was a rifle butt that hit the back of my head and knocked me out cold.