Rose walked slowly to the bathroom, every step calculated. Things were so fragile and she feared that things would break any moment. Rose wanted him to relax; he'd been under almost constant tension since they'd begun traveling. A lot of that was from fear of her; though he absolutely no reason to fear her, she understood why he did. She knew this distrust would take a long time to remove completely. But just the fact that he was following her and hadn't run away meant a lot.
Rose let go of the Doctor's hand briefly to go to the massive tub, turning the warm water on and lighting the candles around the side of the tub. Rose was shivering as her wet dress clung to her and she was eager to get warm. She hoped that this might help the Doctor warm up too.
When Rose turned around, she saw the Doctor standing only a few feet away. His expression had changed from where he looked so fearful in the bedroom; now something deep and smoldering was in his eyes. He looked like he still wanted to hold back but was finding hard it hard to do. Rose resisted saying something, instead hoping her desire for him to move forward was reflected in her eyes.
A few long seconds passed before the Doctor crossed the space between them. He kept his eyes focused on Rose's and she felt her skin begin to heat up quickly, though she felt it wasn't mostly from the steam filling the room. The Doctor put one arm around Rose, pulling her close to him. Her heart skipped a beat as she pressed against him, glad for the closeness that had so long been denied to her. As the Doctor kept her close to him, his other hand went to the strap on her dress, pushing it down. He leaned down and pressed his lips in a gentle kiss to her burning skin, making surprising goose bumps form there. His hand went to her other shoulder, pushing the strap down there, making her dress sink low on her chest. Shivers continued to flow through her as he left a trail of feather light kisses on her shoulder. It was so tender, so unguarded; only once had ever been like that. It had been a night they had been unable to hold back the feelings they had, a night their love created a child. Since then his touches had always been guarded.
The Doctor's mouth moved from Rose's shoulder to her neck, pulling at her skin softly. His hands moved to her side, taking the fabric of her dress in his hands and tugging downward. Rose gasped a little as her dress fell off, leaving her exposed. The Doctor, hearing the noise, pulled back a little to assess how she was feeling. Rose didn't hesitate in reaching her hands at the hem of the Doctor's shirt and pulling it over his head. She could feel his breath hitch in his throat as her hands went to his belt but he didn't stop her.
Rose let her eyes travel over the Doctor's form in the candle light and couldn't help but notice his did as well. They had seen each other unclothed on a few occasions, but to Rose it felt like the first time because it felt so significant. She managed to tear her eyes away from the Doctor long enough to check the tub. The water having almost reached the top, Rose turned it off and walked down the steps in the water, followed by the Doctor. The Doctor sat near the side of the tub and Rose felt herself gravitate toward him in the water. As he saw her move toward him in the water, the Doctor reached his hands out toward her. Rose grabbed the Doctor's hands and moved toward him quickly, finding herself on his lap. The moment she was close enough, the Doctor leaned down and kissed her. Mouth open and probing from the start, all pretenses of being gentle were gone. Rose connected with his mouth instantly, glad for this touch that she had so longed for and the Doctor had withheld. Now that he was being more than open, she was more than glad to reciprocate. Rose's hands moved along the Doctor's chest as she kissed him so quickly and fiercely that her head was spinning. Desire was making her shaky and she could feel the Doctor tremble underneath her. It was amazing that this was the same man who had such terribly good self-control; he was showing none of that at the moment.
Rose could have gone much longer but eventually she broke free of the Doctor's lips for need of air. When she pulled back reluctantly, she left her forehead pressed to the Doctor's. They were both panting and Rose was heating up quickly from the steam in the water and the Doctor's breath. He seemed even more reluctant to pull back and he could have gone longer, with his 'superior time lord physiology' as he called it. Rose left her hands on the Doctor's chest and she felt his hand reach up to her cheek, her body shaking noticeably from the rush that she was getting.
"You're trembling" the Doctor said tenderly, a touch of fear in his voice. "You want me to stop?"
Rose let out a small laugh. "I'm trembling because I don't want to stop" she said, feeling her already red cheeks get redder.
"Are you sure you want to do this?" The Doctor asked breathless. Rose didn't understand how he could possibly be asking such a question at a time like this.
"Doctor…you've got to relax" Rose chided him, leaning into him and kissing him again. Rose put her hands on the back of his head and rubbed gently through his hair, deepening the kiss and smiling against him as she felt him melt under her. As they melded together close, Rose felt the Doctor's hands go to her face, skirting over her temples. Electricity ran through her, making her shudder; his touch lingered longer than he had ever allowed it and she gasped as a wave of energy filled her mind.
The Doctor broke free of the kiss, his forehead resting on Rose's. "Are you ready?" he asked. His voice was deep and husky and was almost Rose's undoing.
She felt nerves flutter in her belly; the prospect of the Doctor seeing everything in her mind, everything she felt and thought did make her a bit nervous. But the nerves of that could never prevent her from saying yes to his open advance. A smile curled on her lips. "Yes…..yes, I'm ready"
….
The Doctor was terrified; he had faced Daleks and Cybermen and all manner of aliens with a cool head. But this, this was something that scared him terribly. His built in self-preservation mechanisms urged him to run; there was still time. But deep down he knew that there wasn't time.
Rose had seen it all; she had seen what he had done. She had seen the way he killed, tortured that Dalek in the worst way. She saw how that memory tormented his dreams and she showed him love. She should be running in fear now but she wasn't. She wanted more.
The Doctor admired the woman who sat next to him in the water, her perfect skin glinting in the candlelight, eyes locked on his with more admiration than she should ever have for him. She was amazing; he had always known that she was, but every day he learned it more. She showed him more love, more forgiveness than he had ever known a person to give. He didn't deserve an ounce of it but she was still giving it to him wholeheartedly. She was doing to most the personal and intimate thing that she could possibly do; she was offering her mind to him. It had been so long since he had bonded with someone on this level. He had lived a great portion of his life aware of so many other time lord consciousnesses around him; it was just part of being a time lord that you sensed others around you almost constantly. But when he had put an end to Gallifrey, that all had ended. Not only had he had had to live with the guilt of what he had done but he'd had to adjust to the silence. It was crippling silence and it had taken him a long time to get used to. He'd adjusted but it wasn't the way he was meant to live, cut off from that touch. When Rose had become pregnant, he'd gotten the joy of feeling that again. He'd been able to experience the wonderfully close relationship of sharing your mind with another's. He'd been able to know his son from the womb, to show him love and receive his vast love in return. But like everything in his life it seemed, that too had ended when he had died. He had longed to connect with Rose in the most intimate of ways for a long time now; but hadn't wanted her to see the real him. And even if he could connect with her, it wouldn't be the way he was used to because Rose was human.
Or so he had thought. When Rose had told him that she could sense thoughts and feelings from the TARDIS he'd been surprised; since she had lost the time energy in her, she shouldn't be able to do that. Even more surprising had been when she had begun to link with him; it was in a heated moment but still she shouldn't have been able to do that under any circumstances. Humans did have the capabilities for telepathy in some forms but they did not have the ability to form mental connections on their own. But somehow, Rose did. He didn't understand it; but if there was one thing that he knew about Rose was that she had always been full of surprises.
Barely contained energy was bristling underneath the Doctor's fingers on Rose's temples. He hoped that she couldn't feel that his fingers were shaking. The moment was heavy as Rose waited for the Doctor's next move. "I promise it won't be as intense as last time" he murmured, his head and hands remaining on her head. "I'll be controlling it this time…..but let me know if I hurt you, okay?"
Rose nodded silently, a smile on her lips. He could sense that she was nervous but it was a good sort of nerves, the kind you experienced when you were excited about something new. He let his hands skirt gently over her skin, enjoying how she shuddered underneath him. "I want to be able to see as much of you as I can, Rose. But if there is something you don't want me to see, just imagine hiding it away and I won't be able to see it, alright?"
"Okay, Doctor. I trust you" Rose said. Her voice was small and conveyed to him, in vivid detail how much she really did trust him.
The Doctor smiled nervously as he closed his eyes and focused. He could feel the warm, bright touch of Rose's mind within his reach and it took his breath away. So many times he had imaged doing just this and it had been so hard to hold back. Now, the vibrant, earnest mind in front of him was open for him to touch. His hands were visibly shaking now but he didn't care; Rose should know how excited he was to connect with her like this.
The Doctor opened his mind and felt Rose's open with almost no prodding at all. He was soon enveloped in the miraculous, amazing feeling being completely surrounded by Rose's mind. He had dreamed of this moment many times but none of them had lived up to what it was like.
Love, so much love he could hardly bear how real it was, pressed at him from all angles. It warmed and tingled him as he felt Rose's mind filled with love, all directed at him. Not only did she love him now, he could feel when her love for him began. He could see through her memories that day on Satellite 5, how betrayed and upset she had felt when he had sent her away. He felt how much she loved him in that moment; it was the first time she had realized it. She had realized in that moment how much she loved him and it had made her scared and sad. She was determined to get back to him; she was sure that it would cause her own death but that hadn't mattered to her. She didn't want to live if that meant that she was separated from the Doctor. Life without him had not been worth it to her. The Doctor felt sadness burst through him at this realization; he had only wanted to protect her make her happy and he hadn't even done that correctly. But as soon as he felt sad, he felt Rose reach out to him calmly. Don't feel bad…..I have no regrets. I did it because I love you…..and I would do it again.
The Doctor felt his own love for Rose swell inside him and burst through her mind. It was hard for the Doctor to accept such love but while his mind was surrounded by hers in the most of intimate of ways, it was impossible for even him to deny. He saw himself through Rose's eyes; through her eyes he was strong. She saw him as a rock, stable and secure; he was her protector. She had unfathomable belief in him; or at least she had. Something had shaken her belief in him. He could feel how deeply hurt she was by his behavior; for a moment he felt the door to Rose's mind close.
Oh Rose…The Doctor felt sadness at the prospect of how deeply he hurt her. There was a moment's pause before Rose opened that part of her mind to him, revealing how much she was hurt. He could see the nights she lied awake in bed, wishing he was there and not so distant. He felt how many times she had wanted to discuss their child's death only to be afraid to bring it up with him. He felt the sadness and insecurity she felt when she tried to initiate intimacy with him only to be turned down. He saw the night, so short a time ago, when he had ran out of the hotel room when Rose had accidently touched his mind. He could see how she had drank to ease her sorrow and cried herself to sleep and how she had wondered if things were even going to work out between them.
The Doctor detached his mind from Rose's gasping slightly as he did so. His eyes met Rose's, tears running quietly down her face. Despite the tears, she gave him a small smile. The Doctor breathed in deeply; she was so beautiful it took his breath away.
"Oh Rose…Rose, why didn't you tell me?" The Doctor asked. Rose had been desperately sad, so lonely she wondered if travailing with him was even worth it. "Why didn't you talk to me?"
Rose gave a sad laugh. "I tried to…..loads of times" she said. "You weren't exactly listening" Her eyes drifted down until the Doctor began to run his thumbs along her cheeks softly.
"I'm thick headed….you should know that by now" The Doctor said, forcing a laugh despite the severity of the situation. "I'm an old, stupid alien….you've got to yell sometimes"
Rose laughed, this time not as sad. Her chocolate eyes met his, placing a long, gentle kiss on his lips before pulling back. "I just…I just didn't want to lose you" she said quietly.
The Doctor felt a pang of regret; he wished that he could believe that she didn't really mean that but having just been inside her head, he knew that she did. She really did believe that she was losing him. She knew he was distancing himself from her but didn't know why; all she knew was that he couldn't talk to her and things between them were never going to work that way.
The Doctor leaned forward so that he could rap his arms completely around Rose. She sighed as he held her close and he relished the wonderful sensation of her soft, perfect skin against his own in the warm water. The thunder and rain of the storm outside created a gentle soundtrack to the relaxing atmosphere, "I am so sorry you felt that way, Rose" The Doctor said. "It was never my intention. I…was foolish…..very foolish. I pulled away because I was afraid of losing you. After what I did…..after letting you down…" The Doctor felt a catch in his throat at the emotion. "after letting our son down…I know you say that it isn't my fault. But it's so hard not to blame myself"
Rose put her hand on the Doctor's face, cupping his cheek, water running off her fingers and down his face. "You were in my head" she said, her voice dripping with awe from the experience. He didn't miss the fact that her body was still shaking from it. "You felt how much I love you…nothing's ever gonna make me leave. As long as we are in it together; you gotta be here with me, Doctor"
The Doctor smiled, tilting his face into Rose's hand and relishing even this small touch of her skin on his. "Rose Tyler…..you are the most amazing woman in all of time and space" he said, his own voice filled with awe. "I did nothing to deserve you at all"
"Yes you did" Rose said, her voice filled with emotion "You saved me. Saved me from myself"
The Doctor laughed. "Don't be dramatic…you were doing fine without me" he said in jest.
When Rose spoke though, her voice was not jesting. "No…..no I really wasn't" she said seriously. The Doctor didn't expect what she did next; Rose put her hands to the Doctor's temples and his mind was filled with images.
How Rose was even able to do this amazed him. But he didn't have long at all to question how she did before he was overwhelmed by the images of a Rose he didn't know. He saw the life of a girl who had felt unwanted and in the way; he saw sad memories of a life of let downs and regrets. He saw a girl who felt everything she had done was wrong, a girl who had not even been missed until she had run away with a man in a blue box. She held nothing back; she was completely honest with him in more ways that he had ever expected her to be. He could not believe that the girl he saw in Rose's mind, the one who had so often thought of taking her own life, was the same one who he had always seemed so full of life, the one that had convinced him to keep living.
When Rose pulled back from his mind, the Doctor was momentarily speechless. He felt tears on his cheeks and was surprised by their presence. It took him several seconds to find his voice and Rose waited patiently.
"Rose…oh, Rose" the Doctor said, his voice thick. "You didn't have to…you didn't have to show me all of that. I don't even know how you did…"
Rose gave a small smile. "I don't know how I did either, honestly" she said. "but I did have to show you. I wanted you to know"
The Doctor put his lips to Rose's forehead, pressing a kiss there before putting his forehead against hers. "Thank you…..thank you being so honest with me." He said earnestly.
"Honesty is what we need" Rose said. "That's the one thing we need the most right now"
The Doctor knew that he had to give Rose the same openness she had given him. He felt his stomach turn nervously, but now having the knowledge of how much she truly did love him, he was able to let go and give himself to Rose completely. "You're right…..and that means me too" he said seriously "Its…..it's your turn, Rose"
….
Rose was shaking all over; she felt so many things that she found it hard to place each emotion. Her whole body was shaking, her skin tingling from the shock of what had just happened. She had been so eager to know what it would feel like to have the Doctor inside her mind fully, to feel his in return. And it had been even better than she had imagined. It had been scary, to feel him moving around her memories and feelings but she had focused on her love for him. She wanted him to know, once and for all, that she loved him, fully and completely. She knew now that he finally understood how devoted she was to him and did, in some measure at least, believe that he deserved her love.
Rose's skin was prickling with energy and she felt every inch of her body crying out to meld with the Doctor's and every part of her mind crying out for his. It was intense; like love, lust, anxiousness, fear, and hope all rolled into one emotion that was bursting from her. She held onto the Doctor, pulling herself more fully onto his lap, wrapping her arms around his neck. "How…..how do I do it?" she asked. Their minds had melded together so easily, much more easily than she would have expected but she wasn't sure moving through his mind would be as easy.
Rose could feel the Doctor shaking underneath her and she wondered if he was feeling anything close to what she was feeling. The idea of it sent a thrill through her. "Put your hands here" he said, moving her hands to his temples, their shared skin crackling with energy and heat. "Open your mind…try to focus on that energy you see. That warm, bright energy you saw before, that's my mind. I will open it so you can see" he gave a small laugh. "I would say it would be difficult, that you might not see much. But Rose, you've far exceeded my expectations. You have extraordinary capabilities for a human"
Rose laughed nervously. "I'll take that as a compliment" she said. She felt her heart racing as she closed her eyes and focused. She could almost instantly feel that warm energy of his mind at the corner of hers and she focused all of her energy on it.
Rose was not prepared for the love that she felt coming from the Doctor; she knew, had known for a long time that he loved her. But she didn't expect it to take her breath away.
You alright? He questioned, ready to pull away.
I'm fine…..I just didn't expect it…Rose felt her words drift from her mind to his.
You should…see? The Doctor questioned. Rose was immediately bombarded with the Doctor's memories. She saw him, on that night so long ago when he had stood in the doorway of his TARDIS and asked her to come with him. She felt his hope when he asked and the defeat he felt when she said no. She could feel how sad he was, debating on whether or not to go back to her. She felt how happy he was she agreed to come. Hundreds of little memories, things about Rose she wouldn't have even noticed, assaulted her; these were little things about Rose that made the Doctor love her. His love had gone back for much longer than he had let on; Rose had never expected he had loved her well before she had loved him back. She could see, through his eyes, the night they had made love and how much it had meant to him; though he had pulled back initially after having done it, it was because he'd been afraid. It certainly wasn't because he hadn't cared. She saw all the little memories they'd shared with their child and how through each one he had come to love her more. She felt the crushing despair that he had felt when he'd had to leave Rose to take care of the Dalek who sought her life; his deepest fear was that he would lose her and their son. She saw how upset he'd been when he'd ran to her in the hospital, fearing she was dead. She could feel every ounce of guilt and sadness he'd experienced since that horrible day. She saw how he stayed up days on end to avoid the nightmares and how he pulled back to save her the pain he was experiencing. She felt that his greatest fear was losing her, and how he was certain she would run once she knew the real truth.
Stay with me Rose…I need you so, so much, Rose could feel break free of the Doctor's mind. She knew he would never speak such words.
I will…I'm not ever going to leave you. I mean that…..I need you just as much as you need me. Just let me love you. Rose sent back.
I can do that…I'm ready to trust you. The Doctor spoke to her. She could feel , in vivid detail, how hard it was for him to trust anyone. But he was ready to trust her.
Rose gently pulled back from the Doctor's mind, her body shaking even more than before. She gasped for air as her heart raced. She clung to the Doctor, pressing her body as close to his as possible. The Doctor sought to do the same, his arms wrapping around her. Rose paused for a moment, her whole body brimming with energy before she kissed him. Her mouth was instantly open, glad to find his was as well. Rose's mouth sought every part of the Doctor's feeling an urgent, pressing need to explore every part of him. Energy rippled through them, that warm feeling of electricity running through both of them as their hands moved along each other's skin, their mouths constantly exploring. The Doctor's mouth moved along Rose's neck in the most glorious of ways, making her body shudder underneath his touch. Her head felt foggy as she gasped out his name.
Silence fell heavily in the room, the Doctor's movements stilled at once. Rose only then realized what she had said; the word that had been on her lips, the common name of the Doctor, had not been the one that she had said. His name, his real name, the one so few actually knew had broken from her lips without even realizing it. It had been in her head from the time spent in his head but she hadn't been sure that she could form the complicated word on her lips.
"What…..what did you say?" The Doctor gasped. His eyes were wide and filled with an emotion that Rose couldn't place.
Rose, still out of breath, gasped the name again. She could see on his face how long, how very long it had been since someone had said his name. While to her a name meant very little, the Doctor's real name was sacred. Most likely he had not heard anyone utter his name since his own people had perished. Rose was in awe herself that he had even shared it with her.
The Doctor didn't say anything as he stood from the tub, keeping his eyes on Rose's. His arm outstretched toward her and Rose instantly took it. Like she had what seemed like so long ago, Rose took that hand and followed her Doctor to wherever he took her.