Babysitting
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Disclaimer: bunnies are soft and fluffy…
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Akatsuki was a growing band of rogue teenage ninjas trying to take over the world with pure awesomeness…and, if that failed, their ninja skills.
They were paired off by Pein, their leader…
The pairing off bugged them a lot cause, being teenagers with raging hormones…well, lets just say rooming with a guy is weird when he always seems to be checking you out…
Itachi and Kisame were teammates…and roommates.
Kisame thought Itachi was an arrogant, know-it-all, prettyboy while Itachi thought Kisame was an arrogant, know-it-all…er…boy.
They went down the large underground mansion with its turns, twists and poorly lit hallways and got to the kitchen in just under an hour- a new record.
They looked around at the quiet kitchen…something was definitely wrong here.
Where was Hidan; passing the butter knife to whoever asked by poking it through his body first…?
Where was Kakuzu; talking about the global economic crunch and how he needed more money to get information on money…?
Where was Deidara; blowing up everyone's cereal?
Where was everyone?
"Something smells fishy," Itachi whispered, staring at Kisame.
"Haha Itachi…that never gets old," Kisame scowled.
Itachi chuckled, "Yeah, I know."
They were both in their mid-teens and Kisame was struggling with skin-care products that may have been able to help his shark-face…but at least he didn't have zits.
"Okay, something's not right here. Where is everyone?" Itachi asked.
"Are you suggesting we go look for them?"
"Nah, we've got bigger fish to fry."
Kisame glared at his teammate who was rolling on the floor laughing.
(I am an Orochimaru page break, I like little boys)
They found out at lunch as they were all seated and their lackey, Orochimaru-chan, was serving them.
"You missed a spot," Kakuzu growled.
"Then lick it."
"You're not getting paid to shirk your duties."
"I'm not getting paid."
"With that kind of work, I'm not surprised."
Orochimaru-chan glared but tightened his apron and stalked away.
Orochimaru-chan… snake-like, angry at the world, misunderstood…he was, basically, your average teenager. He was in Akatsuki too…but was being punished by Konan for trying out 'Pervert no Jutsu' on her.
"Look!" Hidan shouted.
They all groaned as Hidan stabbed himself and grinned. He did that at every meal…and sometimes, if he pissed someone off enough, they did it for him…
Pein walked in after Zetsu, who was talking to himself.
"Okay everyone, listen up. We'll be having new members join our little family."
They stared at him.
"Family? We all kinda hate each other," Itachi said dryly.
"Yeah, well…that's exactly what a real family does so I think we're good," Pein said.
They all nodded. That was true.
"Now, before we introduce them-"
"We?" Deidara asked, glancing at him pointedly meaning he was standing there giving the speech alone.
"Me and Konan, now shut it."
Deidara huffed.
"Before we introduce them, a few rules are being set. Deidara, no bombs."
"Wha-!"
The others sighed in relief.
"Sasori, no killing them and making them your puppets."
Grumble grumble glare.
Deidara smirked at Sasori. Whenever he thought of Sasori, he thought 'I'm late; I'm late, for a very important date (1).'
"Hidan, do not injure yourself, or them, in any way, shape or form…or you'll have no weapons…ever."
Hidan stared at Pein with shock and outrage.
"Kakuzu- no economics talk or talk to do wit money…"
"Why the hell not?"
"So as not to pollute their minds with money-crazed ramblings."
Kakuzu glared (well, he can't really frown…can they see his mouth…? Oh well, whatever).
"Tobi, keep your other personalities and alter egos in check...that means no Madara and no Obito!"
"But what about Zetsu!"
"At least we can see his alter ego."
Tobi scowled (um…well…okay, his eye looked really pissed).
"Zetsu…no cannibalism, please. And could you please dispose of your corpses. The basement's beginning to smell."
Zetsu's (white side) smiled warmly, "Sure thing."
Zetsu's dark side's smile was upside down (overall a strange picture-he looked seriously constipated).
"Konan…you can bring them in."
Konan came in holding the hands of Naruto and Gaara.
The others stared.
Zetsu was struggling in his chair, trying to hold himself back from jumping onto the kids and screaming out, "The leg is MINE!"
Hidan was just itching to show them a 'cool trick'.
Kakuzu yearned for their young minds…and wallets.
Orochimaru was holding his head up to keep down his nosebleed. (2)
Itachi had fallen asleep.
"This is a bad joke and I'll wake up in a few seconds," Kisame whispered to himself. "I didn't even know Konan was pregnant…wait…she has been looking kinda plump lately…"
Konan glared and said coldly, "Let's all thank Kisame for volunteering his babysitting services."
The others chuckled.
"Kids, meet Kisame."
Naruto squealed in delight.
"Mummy got us a fishy Gaara!"
Gaara looked equally pleased with their new pet…the rest of Akatsuki did too.
Lacking the self-control they'd need to follow Konan's instructions, the others all left the kitchen, all except for Itachi, who was still asleep.
"Kiss-me?"
Kisame held up his hands, "What the hell! That's Orochimaru's department."
"He was saying your name…idiot," Gaara sighed.
Kisame glared at the red head and groaned.
"Don't call him idiot!" Naruto reprimanded.
Kisame smiled slightly. At least one of them had-
"He's name's Fishy!"
"It's Kisame, actually."
Naruto nodded, "See Gaara? He's Fishame."
"Kisame."
"Kiss Ame."
"Kisame dammit!"
"Dammit! Dammit Dammit Dammit Dammit Dammit"
Kisame's eyes widened. If Konan heard her little angels swearing, she'd cut off all possibilities of future heirs.
"Shhhhhhh!"
"Dammit! Dammit Dammit Dammit Dammit Dammit"
"Hey," Itachi yawned, then stared at the two screaming five year olds.
"Um…where did those things come from? I thought we told Orochimaru never to pull this bull again."
"Their Konan's," Kisame sighed.
Itachi's eyes widened, "How long have I been asleep?!"
Kisame snorted, "They were adopted idiot."
Itachi grinned, "Hey kids. Wanna see me put my hand into the peanut butter jar?"
Naruto and Gaara were immediately silent, waiting to see the amazing feat.
"You just wanna lick it again," Kisame grumbled.
Itachi chuckled, "Someone has to."
Itachi then began trying to squeeze his hand into the peanut butter jar.
Suddenly, the door creaked open and an ancient relic made its presence known.
"Nagato," Kisame nodded respectfully.
"Ooh…look Gaara! It's so stretchy!"
Kisame stared at Naruto and Gaara who were pulling the skin on Nagato's arms and stretching it.
"Kisame…" Nagato growled.
Kisame grabbed the kids and backed away with them kicking and screaming in his arms.
"Where'd you get it?" Naruto asked, pointing a chubby finger at Nagato. "Can I get one too? Huh huh? I've always wanted one of those!"
Kisame saw his short life flash before his eyes as Nagato continued to glare coldly at him- like they were his kids.
"It's so old," Gaara said dryly.
Kisame gulped.
"I am only 23 thank you very much," Nagato hissed as he walked back out, his bones creaking like an old…uh…creaky thing.
Kisame let out what he had thought was his last breath and glared at the two kids in his arms.
"They're quite a handful aren't they?"
Kisame turned, shocked.
Itachi grinned, still trying to stick his hand into the peanut butter jar.
"You were here the whole time?"
Itachi nodded.
"And Nagato saw you?"
Itachi shrugged, "I guess."
"WHY THE HELL DIDN'T YOU HELP ME?!"
Itachi smiled triumphantly as his hand finally slid in, "Yes…! I did it! Sorry Kisame, did you say something?"
Kisame grumbled and mumbled a whole set of very colourful swear words and stared down at the two kids who were crawling all over the floor.
Wait…when did they get free?
He stared at his hands and found bite marks.
"You little-"
"Mummy said you shouldn't scream at us," Naruto said.
"These kids are evil."
Jeff and Harvey sighed contentedly as they sat back and were, for the first time in their sealed lives, witnessing true pure evil…
Jeff * sipping a beer (my story, shut up)*: Hey Harvey. This is the life isn't it?
Harvey * staring at himself in the mirror in his sewer*: …do I really look like a potato? Be honest.
Jeff: Nope-
Harvey: good.
Jeff: -potatoes are pretty good looking.
Harvey: Yes they are. Especially when you wash them right after harvesting. In fact…HEY!
Jeff: Wow…and I thought Salted was slow.
Harvey: oh shut up.
"Hey Fishame!"
"It's Kisame!"
"I'm hungry."
Kisame twitched. Did he look like a fast food restaurant with bad service and cold fries? Huh? Did he?
"Me too," Gaara said quietly sitting by Naruto.
Naruto made a face at Kisame.
Naruto definitely knew how to push his buttons.
"Was your mummy a fish?"
Oh no…Naruto wasn't just pushing his buttons, he was break-dancing over the control panel...he was vandalizing the buttons…the buttons didn't stand a chance…the poor, poor, buttons…this metaphor is quickly losing its point…buttons…so…
Other metaphors as to how evil Naruto is (all in Kisame's head):
-he was Voldemort in the magic world of Kisame's life…
-if he had driven Miss Daisy, he'd have done it over a cliff…
-he was Simon in the 'Idols competition' that was his control panel…
-he was the 'terminator' in the movie 'Terminator'…and 'he'll be back'…
Itachi was licking the peanut butter off his fingers and the kids were gazing up at his sophisticated ways in wonder.
"Hey, aren't you two hungry?" Itachi asked.
Kisame made a mental note to kill Itachi later.
"What do you wanna eat?" Kisame sighed resignedly.
"I want fish and chips," Gaara said stubbornly.
Kisame frowned as Itachi collapsed on the floor laughing.
Naruto took up a knife, "Fish fingers!"
"Whoa slow down kid!" Kisame said, backing away.
Naruto and Gaara pouted, "Daddy said you have to take care of us!"
"Yeah? How can I do that if I'm dead?"
"I'm telling mum," Naruto sniffed.
Kisame stilled. Konan wasn't known for her sweet temperament when it came to him. He figured she was fishophobic or something…
Why the hell did he have to comment on her weight!?
(I am an Orochimaru page break, I like little boys)
The demons sat quietly.
Kong: I miss Jeff.
Oxford snorted but didn't disagree.
Irv: Someone say something.
Rabbit: OOOH OOOH OOOH OOOH MEMEMEMEMEME!
Salted: I…………………………………..will…………………………..
Irv: Anyone…
Rabbit: MEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEME!
Salted: I…………………………….said………………………………..I….
Irv: Anyone else?
Rabbit: COME O N! I HAVE A GREAT ONE! PLEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE-
Salted: but………………………………………I ………………………………want………………
Irv: Anyone at all…?
Salted: …………………………………………hmph……………….
Rabbit: OKAY, ONCE…WHEN I WAS BORN…
Rabbit then proceed to tell them his whole life story…and just when he was getting to where he'd just turned three (days old)-
"I WAS SWIMMING AND I TRIPPED."
Oxford: You… tripped?
Rabbit: YES.
Irv: Under water?
Rabbit: YES.
Sharon * now with a seemingly persistent twitch*: Over what?!
Rabbit: HMM…? SORRY WHAT WAS THE QUESTION? GUESS I'LL HAVE TO START THE STORY ALL OVER AGAI-
Demons: Noooo!
Irv: For Pete's sake, stop!
Sharon: I think you mean 'pity's sake'.
Rabbit: YEAH, WHO THE HECK IS PETE ANYWAY!?
Sweatdrops all around.
Silence for a couple of minutes.
Kong: So….who wants to reminisce on the good old days?
Dorsey: Memememememememememe!
Oxford smirked, "I think Dorsey might want to.
Kong chuckled and-
"Iwagakure rules!"
Lady: I think I will.
Dorsey groaned but knew better than to argue with Lady.
And…cue the flashback…
Hmmm…
Next chapter?
Oh. Okay. Sorry.
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A/N: Yo.
I am SO sorry for taking so long...school's hectic, we're on a short holiday(three days) and I have four assignments and a lab to write by Monday( tomorrow)…I swear these people are trying to KILL me…
If you have a story you want me to read, just say 'hey, read this' and unless the internet suddenly blows up, I will definitely read and review. Surprisingly, I kinda like angst…don't let all the crack fool you, I'm a tortured soul…LOL
Sigh…
If you get this, free cookie! "I'm late; I'm late, for a very important date!"
Yeah, we ALL know Orochimaru likes little boys.
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If you like crack fics, like this one (kinda), check them out on my profile…its all I write here ^_^
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Reviews: um…when I say TEN REVIEWS, I don't mean you have to be EXACT…
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(1) NinjaVampirate: Thanks, me too! I mean, the world would be a better place if we ALL had giant bunnies sealed inside us…(or potatoes). Gaara's not decided…I think Harvey's messed with the wiring in his head- but he still dreams about ponies.
(2) geetac: glad you like it…
(3) litewarior4: I haven't stopped! Breathe breathe… your bio (profile page)…you can't melt into the shadows, I have…dum dum duuummmm…a candle!
(4) Darkness7013: I wanna put the containers in the next few chapters…after the demons reminisce of course…I saw the containers online…I think…and there was a super CUTE guy there ( at least I hope it was a guy…). Thanks for the ideas…with school and a pounding brain, I could really use em…really? Hidan's in permanent coma? Who did it? Why must Akatsuki suffer so??? Why I ask you, Why…?!
(5) narutolover94: thanks…I try keep it real with the evil…* gives evil good guy pose* LOL, yep, there can be an 'evil good guy pose' (talk about an oxymoron)
(6) iscreamdrizzle: hello my official number one reviewer (LOL, we had a vote and yeah, you topped it) thanks for the reviews to all those fics * hiding face. My eyes are leaking* I will never forgive you! That puppy eye no Jutsu doesn't work on me!(who do you think taught it to the puppies?) yup, different e-mail a/cs for each…
Truth or dare for the demons! Maybe… should I get them drunk first? LOL, yeah…review…its not like you have something better to do…don't look at me like that just cause its true. I read yours. Duh. Love the dog by the way. Who DOESN'T want a crazy mutt only they can see?
(7) BlackPANDA xD: keep breaking em reviews! I feel bad FOR you, hehe. Yes…'crack fics without humour coughdisneyshowscough' LOL…I love Phineas and Ferb though XD. Hmmm….a chibi Hitler…I could so work with that…LOL. Thanks!
(8) SapphireWhiteWolf: yeah…the update thing. I have a few fics on my other page that people wanna kill me for…* gulps* mmm…snickerdoodles…wait…FRUIT TOPPING?! ARE YOU TRYING TO KILL ME WITH HEALTH! I WILL NOT STAND FOR THIS! WHERE'S THE GOOD DEADLY CANDY!?
(9) &
(10) gaaraswolfgirl: LOL, its always important to spit out your food if you can't chew…no that wasn't the last chapter. I don't even know how I'm supposed to end this, hehe. It was supposed to be a oneshot XD
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Back to my assignment. Blaze was laughing at me so I just had to update this…after ten reviews, hehe. JK….its all school's fault. Bomb my school and I'll gladly update DAILY!
( but I didn't say that…)
Ja ne,
Silva.