Thanks again for all the feedback...does my heart good to know people like what I'm doing. Sometimes you pour your heart and soul into a story and wonder if it is all worth it, but this time I think it is. So thanks for that! (Also nice to see some familiar friends reading this one now.) I am always grateful for the support.
She started to knock on the door, but he opened it before she could, making her jump a little with surprise. He motioned her into the apartment and she looked around, wondering what he'd done all day. He obviously hadn't spent his time alone cleaning up. The same beer bottles and fast food containers adorned the coffee table, while the pile of dirty clothes on the floor seemed to have grown. The shattered glass from the beer bottle he'd thrown when she told him Lizzie was dead was still scattered across the floor under a wet stain that streamed down the wall. "Are you feeling better?" was all she could think to ask.
"I felt fine before," he mumbled and sat down on the faded couch, tossing the blankets and pillows on the floor to make room for her. She wasn't sure she really wanted to sit so close to him, but since it was the only furniture in the room she had no choice. She sat down, and he handed her a twenty dollar bill, "Here…" he said. "The money I borrowed for the cab…" he replied to her curious look.
"You don't have to…" she started, but he pushed it into her hand.
"I'm not a charity case, Liv," he added, looking around the room. "I don't have a lot, but I can pay for a ride home."
She was going to remind him that he didn't even have a job, but then she stopped herself. She'd hurt his pride by giving him the money, and the least she could do was accept repayment. She opened her purse and slipped the money inside. Then she sighed, "Lizzie's boyfriend confessed…"
He jumped up, "I want to see the son of a bitch!" he shouted. "Make sure he knows he won't get by with this!"
"He knows," Olivia assured him. "He's not getting off, El…trust me." She looked seriously at him, "There's more…"
"What?" he asked, nervously sitting back on the couch and wringing his hands.
"He says he's not the baby's father," Olivia told him. "According to Matthew, Lizzie was raped by one of her professors…"
"No…" he shook his head, "She'd report it. If I've taught my girls anything it's that there is no shame in being a victim, but there's strength in reporting and taking your life back. She'd report it…"
Olivia shook her head sadly, "He said she didn't want to call SVU…because of what happened…with us…" She used all of her strength to hold in her tears, "I'm sorry El…really…I didn't know your other kids knew…"
"Damn it," he groaned. "God…I should've known something was wrong the last several months…she just cut herself off, but I thought it was because of me…she was raped by some prick and I didn't even help her. I just left her alone…"
"You didn't know," Olivia reminded him.
"Do you have this guy in custody?" he asked.
Olivia shook her head, "I have detectives out looking for him and gathering all they can. They know I want this asshole, El…we'll get him."
"What's his name?" he asked. "I'll find him…"
She shook her head, "You know I can't tell you that. I'd be jeopardizing the entire case…"
"Never stopped you before," he sputtered. "You've been known to leak information for the good of the cause…a good detective does whatever it takes…"
"I'm not a detective anymore," she told him. "I'm a sergeant…and I'm commanding officer…I can't give you that information…I just can't."
"You're commanding officer?" he snickered. "Of course you are…"
"What the hell is that supposed to mean?" she asked with irritation.
"Nothing…" he sighed.
"Didn't sound like nothing," she argued.
"Just that you didn't have anything to hold you back…no responsibilities outside of the job…so it's no wonder they promoted you…" he glared at her.
"Do you want to go see your granddaughter or not?" she asked with a sigh. "Because I need to get home…"
"Hot date?" he asked sarcastically.
"Go to hell…" she stood up and walked toward the door. She didn't need to look back to see if he was following her, because she knew he was.
She flopped down on the bed, thoroughly exhausted. She'd never taken the time to think about how draining it was to carry a baby…how much energy it took to do her job…and how she'd manage to do both. She was thinking about it now, and she wondered just how long she could keep this up. If she could just get through the first trimester, she'd tell Cragen, and he'd put her on desk duty…she'd go insane from boredom but at least she wouldn't be so tired. At least she hoped she wouldn't.
She'd spent the day trying to find the man who had raped Ella Mendez. Lab reports showed the girl was eight weeks pregnant, so at least they had a timeline to work with. She'd been stuck with Nick all day…and it was awkward. She felt like he was staring at her all the time, and it made her self-conscious. They'd interviewed kids at the school, which led them to Arturo, a small, weak little boy who was Ella's best friend and obviously not the father of her baby. Yet in interviewing Arturo they could tell he knew more than he'd offered. Eventually Munch had discovered one of Ella's teachers wasn't who he claimed to be, but instead a convicted sex offender, and so they finally thought they were making progress. Olivia had gone to talk to Ella, who admitted the teacher was the father of her baby, but in talking with her it was obvious the girl was lying. That was when she'd noticed the roses, dead on the desk in Ella's room. They were from the baby's father…that much was certain. When Ella told her the father of her baby was rich, and she was going to be his princess, Olivia felt herself sicken at the thought. This poor girl was clinging to empty promises from someone who had hurt her, and there was no reasoning with her.
She'd traced the flowers back to A Fleur de Tois on Madison Avenue…and upscale florist that catered to the rich and famous. She'd let Nick drive to the florist, already feeling tired and he didn't bother her while she leaned her head back and dozed in the car. She'd decided to take the lead when they got there, knowing Nick wouldn't be intimidating enough, but she was getting nowhere with the snooty salesman behind the counter. The smell in the place was getting to her though…the combination of floral scents making her want to sneeze and gag at the same time. She'd resorted to threatening the guy, in the hopes of getting him to cough up his customer's name before she tossed her cookies all over the flower shop, and Nick seemed to sense the need to jump in. He'd appeased the man by telling him they'd just sneak and peek at the computer and it wouldn't come back to him, and the guy had walked off, content with that plan. What they hadn't expected was that Ella Mendez had received flowers from an Ambassador…and now they had to tell Cragen. With the recent attacks on the NYPD, there was no way he was going to accept this news lightly. They'd decided to tell him in the morning, and Nick had been nice enough to drop her off at home, telling her she looked like she needed to rest…and he was right. She'd never felt so tired in her life. She'd barely worked six hours, and it felt like at full twenty-four.
She wasn't sure how long she'd been asleep when the phone woke her up, but she was tempted to let it go to voicemail. Afraid it was work, she sat and picked it up, too tired to grasp the fact that it was Elliot until after she'd accepted the call. "What?" she groaned…frustrated that he'd had the nerve to call after standing her up.
"Well, hello to you too," he laughed. "Were you asleep? Already? It's barely eight o'clock…"
"I'm tired, El," she sighed. "I'm pregnant…remember…"
"You're probably working too hard," he suggested, knowing her all too well.
"I'm doing my job…" she insisted, frustrated by his judgment. "I have to work…I'm a single mom you know." Throwing that last part in just to spite him, and feeling good about it. "What'd you want to talk about anyway…since you stood me up last night?"
"I'm sorry about that, Liv," he sighed, "I really am. I sent the food…"
"Yeah…I know," she yawned, wishing she could crawl back under the covers.
"Maybe this isn't the best time," he said, "You're tired…"
"There's never gonna be a good time…is there?" she asked. "Just tell me…"
He didn't know how to start, and she could tell he was stalling. Then she heard him take a deep breath, "I just wondered…have you told anyone else…about the baby?"
"What?" she asked with a slight chuckle. "That's what you wanted to talk about?" She sighed, "I haven't told anyone…not that it matters…" Nick knew…but she hadn't told him. He'd figured it out on his own, so technically she wasn't lying.
"I just wondered…if anyone knows I'm the father," he said, and she could hear the fear in his voice.
"Well since no one knows about the baby….no one knows about you either…so you're in the clear," she sputtered, getting more and more frustrated by him.
"Liv…I need to know what you want from me?" he asked. "I want to do the right thing…but damn it…I don't even know what that is anymore."
"I don't want anything from you," she said, and she realized it was the truth. "Just forget about it…"
"Forget about it?" he asked. "You want me to forget about my child?"
"MY child," she argued. "This baby is mine, El. I'm the one who gets sick all the time…the one with the cravings…the one who's dead tired all the time. I'm the one who's gonna get fat…and feel the baby kick…and feel the pain of bringing this child into the world…this baby is MINE!"
"I want to be there…" he admitted. "I want to help you…If I leave Kathy…"
She closed her eyes, trying to hold in her tears, "No you don't want to do that…" she sighed. "You love your family…I know that…I've always known that. It's okay…you want to be with them, and you should be…"
"I've been thinking about telling her," he said and the uncertainty in his voice was apparent.
"You don't want to do that," Olivia cried. "You'll never forgive yourself…"
"Dickie joined the Army," he told her. "He didn't go to college…he wanted to get away from me…how could I ask my son to keep a secret like that Liv…it's eating him up inside…"
"I'm sorry," she offered, and she truly was. Dickie walking in on them was the thing she felt the most shame over…and she'd never forgive herself for that.
"I don't want to hurt Kathy," he admitted. "I don't want to hurt my kids…"
"Then just forget about all of this," she brushed away the tears that were sliding down her cheeks. "No one has to know this is your baby…I can say I used donor sperm or something…"
"You'd do that?" he asked. "You'd raise your child without a father…to protect me?"
"No," she sighed. "Not to protect you…but to protect my kid. I don't want him to feel like he wasn't wanted…I want this baby…more than anything. And I know you don't…"
"If things were different…" he started.
"Well they're not," she interrupted.
"A kid needs two parents, Liv," he told her. "A child needs a father…you grew up without a dad…you know how that affected you."
"What are you trying to say, El?" she asked, confused by his back and forth commitments. "Do you really want to have this baby with me?"
"I just wondered…" he wasn't sure how to say what he needed to say without hurting her. "Have you thought about…maybe giving the baby up…it'd be a clean slate for both of us…"
She couldn't believe what he was saying…he wanted her to give up the only thing in her life worth living for. "I don't want a clean slate…" was all she managed to say.
"I didn't mean it like that," he said.
"Yes you did," she sobbed. "You want me to give the baby up? Why?"
"Because someone is going to figure out that it's mine," he sighed. "What if the baby looks like me…looks like my other kids? What if you slip up and say something? Besides, I'm not sure you can do this by yourself…not with the job too…"
"Screw you!" she yelled. "I am keeping this baby. And you don't have to worry about me slipping up and telling someone you're the father…because as far as I'm concerned…you're nothing to me or this baby. NOTHING! And if by some twist of fate the kid looks like you…then that's your problem."
"Liv…" he tried to calm her down. "I'm sorry…I shouldn't have said that…"
"I'm glad you did," she sputtered. "Because now I know…you don't give a fuck about anyone but yourself…and God do I wish I hadn't let this happen…because if I could turn back time there wouldn't even be baby for us to fight over…I wish there was no baby…Fuck you!"
"Liv…don't say that…" he wanted to calm her down, but she hung up on him before he could say anymore.
She leaned back on her pillow, placing her hand on her stomach and pushing gently, "I'm sorry…" she sobbed. "I'm so sorry…" She knew she shouldn't have said she wished there was no baby…she didn't mean it…she loved her child more than anything, she just hated Elliot with every fiber of her being and she wanted to hurt him the way he'd hurt her. "I love you, little one…" she sniffled. "I didn't mean to say that…I love you so much, and I'm sorry I didn't give you the daddy you deserve."
"She looks better," Elliot smiled at his granddaughter and the baby looked up at him, wide-eyed.
Olivia nodded, "She's gonna need some time to get stronger, but I think she's going to be fine. She's lucky…after everything…"
"Liv," he looked at her, his eyes stinging with tears, "I want to keep her…she's all I have…" He ran his hand across the back of his neck and shook his head, "I know I need some help…I need to clean myself up…stop drinking…" he seemed to choke on the words. "I don't know how I let things get this bad…" he sat down in the chair, his face pale with regret.
She walked over to him, sliding down on the floor so she was looking up at his bowed head and he was surprised by her own tears. "Kathy said…it was because of me…I'm sorry, El…I need to tell you something…"
He wouldn't let her finish. "Oh Liv…" his voice was a solemn whisper. "It wasn't because of you," he promised, staring into her dark eyes for the first time in years and recognizing the same pain he'd seen in them back then. "It was because of what I did to you…I'm so sorry…" he cried. "Liv…I wanted that baby…more than anything…I was just so scared, and ashamed of what I'd done to my family…and I took it out on you… "
"El…" she cried, knowing what she was going to say would change everything, but before she could say anymore, one of the monitors attached to the baby started beeping and they both looked to see what was going on.
"What's wrong with her?" Elliot asked, standing to his feet and looking at her while the NICU team rushed into the room and pushed them out the door. He stood in the hall, looking at Olivia and gasped, "What's going on?"
She shook her head, tears running down her face, "I don't know…but she's gonna be okay. The doctors know what they're doing…" She took a deep breath, and couldn't seem to let it out. She hoped she was right. Elliot couldn't take another loss right now...and neither could she.
More to come...