The last day of term had always been a hectic affair in the past; students scrambling around the tower, desperate to scrape the last of their things together before they boarded the train to go home for the holidays. This year, however, with the threat of war looming, many parents had written to their children asking them to stay within the safety of the castle walls for the few weeks we had off- mine were no exception.
In fact, the only people I did know who were leaving were Lily, who was going to spend Christmas with her family at home, and James, who was going to collect her the day after Christmas in order to introduce her to his family over New Years. Things between them were getting serious much faster than I ever could have imagined, but I had scarcely seen two people to just be near each other.
The evening before the train was set to depart, I spent time in the boys' dormitory, sitting cross-legged on James's bed. A haphazard pile of various necessities lay scattered around me and I was tossing them one by one to Lily, who was kneeling on the floor at the mouth of James's open trunk, staring in both wonder and frustration as she tried to make everything fit.
James and Sirius were, predictably, spending this time lounging on the beds not covered in James's belongings, tossing a small ball back and forth between them.
"I don't understand how one person can need so much stuff," Lily huffed, catching a shirt that I passed down to her and trying to squeeze it in between a pair of books. "Honestly, it's not like anyone's going to rob you while you're away."
"I just like to be prepared for all possible scenarios," said James defensively. "You're the one that offered to help me pack; I didn't force you into this."
"Help was the key word in my offer," Lily reminded him with a pointed look. "I still have my own things to finalize as well."
"So go pack your things," James said with a moan; they'd been bickering lightly back and forth all day, and I could tell it was taking a toll on him. He lifted a hand to rumple his already-disorderly hair and tossed the ball back to Sirius. "I can manage to do the rest; I don't want to hold you up."
"You can manage to do the rest, or you're going to bully Marlene into doing the rest when I leave?" Lily's quipped suspiciously.
"I'm pretty sure Marlene can take me in a fight," James laughed with an eye roll, as if I wasn't sitting ten feet away from him. "I wouldn't bully her….much."
"Fine, fine," Lily sighed, rising to her feet and putting a hand on her lower back in pain. She leaned over the open trunk and gave me a long hug. "Are you sleeping over here or up in our room tonight?"
"Here, probably," I confirmed it with a casual look over at Sirius, who shrugged indifferently. I was still amazed at how she had reacted to James's story yesterday…meaning that she barely had reacted at all. I didn't give her enough credit for being low-key when it really counted. "But I'll see you off in the morning before you go home."
"You better," the redhead said with a small smile, squeezing my hand quickly as she pulled away. Her cheerful expression became one of playful chastising as she stopped in the doorway and pointed a finger at her boyfriend. "James, you need to pack."
"Yes, ma'am," James saluted her sharply with a roll of his eyes. He pulled himself grudgingly off the bed, but I saw the two of them exchange an unmistakable wink and a mouthed I love you before Lily had disappeared down the steps.
"You two are too much for me," I said to James when she had gone, wrinkling my freckled nose at him. "You're carrying on like an old married couple."
"Yeah," James said with a nervous cough, crossing the room to me and scooping the haphazard pile of possessions into his arms and dumping them unceremoniously onto the top of the trunk, forcing it shut with much effort. "It's probably…too early to be thinking about that right?"
"Marriage?" I asked, trying not to look as scandalized as I felt. "Yes, it's entirely too early. Are you insane?"
"But to be fair, Marlene is probably not the person to go to if you wanted a different answer," Sirius interjected with a laugh, holding out his, beckoning me to join him.
"You're a regular dream-crusher, McKinnon," James said with a sarcastic laugh, but I could see he was a little dejected.
"It's what I do best," I said modestly, climbing into bed with Sirius who was sitting up at the headboard and still tossing the ball from the game of catch from hand to hand as if it were the most engaging thing he'd ever laid eyes on. Tiredly, James stood up and gave his trunk a light kick.
"I'm all done here, I'm going to see what Moony and Wormtail are doing down in the common room," James said, giving the room a last cursory look to ensure nothing was visibly left behind. And then from the doorway, he added: "I'm going to leave this door open. Stay away from the shower, we all use that." He disappeared with a laugh.
No sooner had James gone than a dark, chestnut brown owl showed its face at the window, hooting so suddenly that I was startled.
The large bird pecked at the glass, its beak tapping insistently against the window without pause until Sirius had pulled himself out of bed with an almighty huff and unlatched the pane, swinging it open. The owl took a grand lap around the room, sweeping its wings through the posts of all four beds until finally passing over Sirius's, dropping the letter it carried onto the mattress beside me and then ducking through the window and into the night sky just as suddenly as it had appeared.
"It's for you," I said to him in a shaky voice, even though it was obvious, taking the thin envelope in my hands and reading the front carefully.
It was from the Ministry of Magic, and there was an embossed black seal in the bottom left corner. These were the letters that had been arriving in a steadily increasing stream throughout the year, the ones that signified a death announcement. I handed it to him carefully, as though it would explode between my fingers. "I'm sorry."
It scared me to see the way his face took on a curious expression; it wasn't horrified or upset, but strangely hopeful and lit as if he had been waiting to hear good news for quite some time and it'd just arrived. I didn't know anyone in his family personally, but my father worked with his at the Ministry and if something had happened there during the work day...
"Oh," Sirius said quietly, furrowing his brow as he let the envelope flutter silently to the floor, holding just the actual letter in his hands now. The expression on his face was now consistent with other students I had seen receive them; shock and a quiet desperation for it to not be true. "It's my uncle Alphard. I actually…we were quite close."
"I'm sorry," I repeated, picking quietly at some loose lint on the bedspread because I didn't know how else to handle the situation. "Are you going to go to the funeral?"
"Probably not," he said with a sigh, his voice much quieter than usual as he sunk back down onto the mattress beside me and resumed his place against the headboard, closing his eyes for a long time. "Don't expect I'll be welcomed there too warmly. When is it? I don't want to look at it anymore." Keeping his eyes closed, he handed me the letter without a speck of dramatics or laughter.
"Uh," I scanned the letter top to bottom quickly, skimming over the formal language and looking for a mentioned date and time. "Tomorrow afternoon, in London…what's this here?"
A second piece of paper had been stuck to the back of the first and I took his shrug as permission to pull them apart and read that one as well. It felt oddly personal, reading his mail like this, but strangely comforting in a way I couldn't put my finger on.
"Sirius, you have to go to the funeral. Look here, it's a letter from your uncle's estate. It says he's left you something in his will, and you need to be there to collect it on the day."
Sirius sat up quickly, furrowing his brow as he took the papers from my hands and poured over them with more concentration than I'd seen him ever apply to a textbook. His eyes scanned line after line, searching for a loophole but he didn't appear to find one. With resignation, he sighed again and placed the letter carefully on his bedside table, where the framed photo of us he'd gotten for his birthday now sat as well.
"It says if I don't go, I forfeit it. Do you think that's true?" he asked, as if I knew the first thing about distributing a will.
"If it says it, it's probably true," I said quietly, feeling uncomfortable and trying to be tactful. Sirius was still living at James's, I knew, but he was of age now and a little gold would go a long way to put him in a better situation. "It also says you need a witness to cosign for you. If you want, I could-"
"No," he said flatly, his voice solid and cold. "There is absolutely no way I'm bringing you there. The whole lot of them are foul. I don't want them knowing you exist, much less meet you in person."
"Then why would you talk about me at home?" I asked after a moment of awkward silence, mind flashing back to the conversation I'd had with Regulus in the owlery. It had only been a couple days but it felt years away right now.
"I would never talk about you at home," Sirius snapped, suddenly agitated. If this was what bringing up his family did to him, I was suddenly very glad we'd never crossed this bridge. I knew I shouldn't have, but I felt a nagging twinge in my stomach- surely my feelings hadn't been hurt, had they? "That would be like drawing a giant target on your back."
"But your brother said-" I started, confusion nagging at the back of my mind, trying to piece this together.
"When did you talk to my brother?" Sirius spat, whirling around to face me with his jaw set in a furious line.
"I mean I didn't, really," I amended quickly, still taken aback by his sudden change in attitude. "I just ran into him the other day at the Owlery; he knew who I was, mentioned you'd brought me up once or twice last summer…" I trailed off, purposefully neglecting the threat he'd delivered and my bluff about the library fire.
"Please tell me you're joking," Sirius was livid now, and I could see the headache forming between his temples. I just shook my head slightly in response. "Well, that's bloody magnificent."
"What are you going on about?"
"He's trying to send me a fucking message, I know it." Sirius was exhaling sharply through his nose, concentrating fixedly on the bedpost in front of him. "I had planned on leaving home for a long time. Believe me, I wasn't working to build any bridges that summer. And no offense, but you weren't exactly a central figure in my life at the time It doesn't add up."
"I'm sure it doesn't-" I started in a small voice.
"Mean anything?" he finished for me, his tone dark and sarcastic. "It means someone's watching me and reporting back, is what it means."
"I'm not worried," I said, voice more confident now, trying to appease him. It didn't work.
"You should be," he snapped, the anger not draining from his face which had gone pale. "You bloody should be, because it's not safe to be-"
"To be what?" It was my turn to cut him off now. "To be in your life? To be at school this year? It's not safe to do anything anymore. You're not drawing a target on my back, I've already got one there. And so do you, and Lily, and James, and Remus, and about a thousand other people right now."
"I'm just trying to look out for you," he snapped, clearly not taking in a word of what I was saying.
"And I'm trying to look out for you," I snapped right back at him.
"You're putting yourself in danger," he insisted. "Or at the very least, a long afternoon of uncomfortable nastiness."
"I'm making sure you get whatever it is your uncle wanted you to have," I sighed, putting my hand on top of his as a peace offering. "I can hold my own in danger, and I can definitely handle a little bit of unpleasantness. I do deal with you on a daily basis, you know."
He gave a grudging laugh and the matter was closed.
"I look bloody ridiculous," Sirius muttered to me through gritted teeth as we walked down a London street. I gave only a stifled laugh in return; to be perfectly honest I was finally feeling the apprehension he'd warned me I should have felt from the start. The belly of the beast was an odd place to be going willingly, and I couldn't keep myself looking blase while also dealing with his wardrobe crisis.
True, his tie was done a little too tightly and it was evident that a significant amount of time had passed since he last wore his suit jacket, but he was handsome as ever as he walked beside me, taking one long stride for every two of mine. I noticed with a twinge of pride that he hadn't bothered to push his hair out of his eyes.
The actual funeral service was nearly over by the time we arrived at the building. It was a foreboding but forgettable square of red bricks sitting at the top of a shrub-lined cement path. Quite less impressive than I'd been picturing, but Sirius had just been relieved to find out the reception would not be taking place at his childhood home, and that was good enough news for me. We paused at the entrance gate, standing shoulder to shoulder, two dark haired statues silently daring the other to move first.
"We can leave," Sirius said suddenly, his voice gruff. "We really don't need-"
"We're going in." I said, solidly. I could do this, at least. I couldn't help much, but I could push him forward when he needed me to. He took a deep breath and started boldly up the path, leaving me to scurry along behind him.
Sirius's confidence seemed to fade out as he reached the thick oak front door and pushed it open. The lobby was dimly lit and paneled with dark wood and crimson carpeting. His feet remained planted solidly on the outside of the threshold, a dark silhouette standing alone in the doorway before I arrived at his side, holding him by the crook of his elbow and stepping inside in one joint motion.
There were only a few people in the lobby when we entered; stately looking men and women with firmly emotionless faces. A witch in the corner had a small black veil that dipped down to cover her eyes, but it was obvious from the moment Sirius walked in that all attention was on him. The air in the room was stuff and, even though a break from the outside cold was usually welcome, much too warm. It felt like suffocating slowly.
A wizard standing at attention by the double doored entrance to another room, presumably where the funeral services would be drawing to a close, opened his mouth as if to say something to Sirius, but no sound came out and he closed it again quickly, the first to avert his gaze. Everyone else remained in an indifferent, stone silence as if they had never seen Sirius before in their lives.
"It must be odd for you," I whispered under my breath after Sirius had pulled me into the far corner of the room, to the base of a rickety wooden staircase where we wouldn't be overheard. "Having strangers milling about your uncle's funeral." That had to be, in my mind, the only logical explanation for the silence he had been greeted with; not even anger was worse than indifference.
"I am related to every single person in this room," he said shortly, leaving it at that.
Just then, the double doors between the ceremony and the lobby swung quietly open, a small group of people making their way out and beginning to mingle in a dignified fashion with the others standing scattered throughout the room. Of this group, Regulus Black was the last to exit, eyes finding Sirius almost immediately, looking as though he had seen a ghost for the first time.
"Wait for me here," Sirius muttered under his breath, pulling himself gently out of my reach. "I have unfinished business to discuss with him,"
But Regulus was already making a beeline for us, a haggard and almost desperate look on his face.
"You shouldn't be here," the younger of the boys started, a bit too loudly, his voice sounding strained. Several people raised there heads in our direction curiously, no doubt waiting for Regulus to throw the first stone that would invite others to say what they pleased. "This is a family-only event."
Was that betrayal I detected in his voice?
"I'm your older brother," Sirius's voice was almost a growl. "You owe me the respect of hearing me out."
"You lost my respect when you left," Regulus replied, sounding both angry and hurt, and then, lowering his voice so that eavesdroppers would be disappointed. "You lost my respect when you left me behind."
Tension hung in the air between them, and suddenly I felt very much like an intruder into a side of Sirius that I never even knew existed. I was trespassing here, in this family dynamic, and Sirius seemed to have a fleeting notion of the same idea.
"We're not doing this here," Sirius sighed, lifting a hand to pinch the bridge of his nose, casting a look to the small wooden staircase beside our little group. "Upstairs, Reg. You need to hear me out. Marlene, can you..."
"I'll wait down here," I said helpfully, knowing my face was red and embarrassed. "Keep an eye out for the executer of the will and all." I'd never known it was possible to thank someone with only a look, but Sirius was doing it now, laying praise and gratitude on me with his stormy grey eyes.
The two boys took a cursory look around the lobby and, ensuring the attention was finally off them, turned and disappeared up the staircase together. It struck me suddenly how similar they looked from the back.
I stood there in the corner alone, feeling smaller than I ever had in my life. As I picked at the nail on my thumb, people milled around me, some stiff and formal, some greeting their relatives warmly. Nobody cast another look my way.
I could hear phrases floating down to my from the top landing of the staircase, but all were hissed and fragmented, leaving me to piece the story together on my own.
"...keep you safe, don't you see? We can take you with us..."
"...barking insane, do you know that? I would never betray..."
"...don't understand what you're getting into! You never..."
"...not my fault you're such a disappointment, don't drag me into..."
"...there is a difference between being a disappointment and being a real person..."
"...never about that, you don't know what it's been like..."
It seemed like years before the two emerged again, Regulus streaking past me in a blur of anger I hadn't even heard coming and Sirius moments later, footsteps heavy, looking defeated and frustrated.
"Do you want to..." I trailed off when he didn't even look my way, the unspoken words talk about it hanging plainly in the air. He shook his head, almost imperceptibly, watching the retreating back of his brother disappear into the now-growing crowd. The double doors to the hall were propped open now, people milling freely back and forth between them; the service must have been very well-attended, and Sirius seemed relieved by this fact.
"I don't even know why I bothered coming," he sighed, the bags under his eyes growing by the minute. "I'll probably get a handful of sickles and be thrown out on my face."
"You don't know that," I said, reaching carefully for his arm. He jerked out of my grasp as soon as I made contact.
"Not here, Mar. I don't want to draw attention to..." I'd never seen him look so tired. "Please just don't move from this spot, I'm going to pop into the executer's office and try to speed things along. The letter said I needed to speak to him alone first." His eyes darted around the room at an alarmingly jumpy speed, scanning the crowd before every step he took, evidently trying to find the path of least resistance and he rubbed shoulder to shoulder with the people who'd made his life hell.
I was alone again, left to my own devices, lost in a sea of Blacks in black. I knew Sirius had cousins who were still in Hogwarts as well as recently graduated, but none of the faces I saw looked familiar as I scanned the room. Hesitantly, I took steps in the direction of the front door, feeling lightheaded and uncomfortable. I needed to get outside, just needed to...
The burst of fresh, cold air that swirled around me as I exited the building and took a spot on the stone steps outside was nothing short of exhilarating. I inhaled deeply, blinking a few times to adjust to the blazing winter sunshine that blinded me but provided no heat.
I felt relaxed for the first time all day, but that happy illusion was shattered when I heard the sharp, cold voice of a woman coming from behind me, someone who had already been out on the steps.
"Are you lost, dear?" the woman asked sharply, the term of endearment falling through her lips like an icy insult. I turned around to face her and saw a tall woman, past her prime but with the steely reserve of one much younger. Her roving eyes were furious, her skin stretched very thin over her face.
"No, I'll actually be leaving shortly," I said boldly, raising my eyes to meet hers in a reckless gesture, hoping my answer would be sufficient. Evidently, it was not.
"This is an family-only event," the woman pressed on, her lips in a very thin line. I had just heard those words from someone, but who...
"I'm accompanying a member of the family," I said shortly, trying to look more confident that I felt.
"Which member of the family?" she asked with eyes that were squinted at the corners, but her nostrils flared. She already knew perfectly well.
"That's neither here nor there," I said in a blase tone, trying to look bored and disinterested, even defiant. Anything but as on-the-spot and panicked and I truly felt.
"So you're the McKinnon girl," she snapped, giving me a disapproving once-over. I meant to deny it but I knew my startled expression had given it away. "I daresay I expected just as much. My husband has the pleasure of working alongside your father at the Ministry, did you know that?" The harsh, threatening tone of her voice made me seriously doubt she'd ever felt pleasure in her life, let alone let the word cross her lips before.
"I'm sorry but who-" I started, even though suspicion and knowing were brewing together at the pit of my stomach. I knew who she was. Desperately, I cast a look over my shoulder at the closed front door. Sirius didn't even know I was out here.
"Such a pretty girl," The woman who had to have been Sirius's mother, Walburga, tutted her tongue as she spoke, as if my looks were an unfortunate accident. In a move that chilled me to my very core, she reached forward suddenly and took my hand in hers as she continued her non-subtle investigation of me. "It's a pity really, such a waste of a bloodline."
I couldn't bring myself to answer her but kept my gaze evenly on her face, anger bubbling through my chest but working hard to keep my face in a steely reserved expression. Her fingers closed tighter around mine, causing pain to ripple up my arm, but I refused to react. I was frozen in place, stunned by her rudeness and unwilling to give her the pleasure of a petty argument. Her voice seemed to get more hysterical and cruel the longer she spoke.
"Listen to me closely," the woman hissed, eyes filling up with disgust. "Whoever brought you with them today is not a member of my family. I don't take very kindly to trespassers, especially those who have abhorred their noble heritage. The fact that you are here is a disrespectful embarrassment. You are a disgrace, and your family -which I look forward to seeing taught a valuable lesson in the future, is a disgrace."
"You're the disgrace," boomed a livid voice suddenly. I felt Sirius reach me in barely a stride, wrapping his arms protectively around me from behind, pulling me backwards. It was more like wearing a safety belt than a hug, yet I had never been so glad to have him in my corner before. "The fact that you're my mother is an embarrasment."
Walburga opened her mouth to speak, but no words exited as her jaw moved up and down silently. I had never seen Sirius look more intimidating in his life. His nostrils were flared, his eyes were wild, and a vein above his eyebrow was twitching frantically. I would have been terrified had I not been the one he was protecting.
"You will leave her alone," Sirius continued, removing me from his arms and moving me behind him, stepping in front of me as though his mother was an incoming bullet. "I'm going to go back inside, collect my gold, and then I never want to see your miserable, cowering, loathsome face again. Do I make myself clear?"
His mother didn't answer him. She just stood there rooted to the spot, her face a blended mask of fury, terror, and confusion, but she didn't protest when Sirius wheeled around, took me by the shoulders and steered me back into the building. His hands were shaking badly, but he moved them up and down my arms comfortingly.
"I just need you to sign on me behalf," he spoke directly into my ear, his tone struggling to sound gentle once more. "And then we can leave. There's a back door through the office, we need to get out of here fast before people can contest it..."
"Sirius, how much did he leave you?" I asked, alerted by the way every step he took was quicker, more alarmed.
He hardly looked like he dared to believe it as we finally reached the door to the executer's office and he turned to face me at last, his eyes tired but more hopeful than I'd seen in weeks.
"He left me all of it," was all Sirius said, swallowing a large lump in his through and casting one last look over his family as he shut the office door tightly and turned to the desk where the papers lay in a haphazard row. "Marlene, he left me all of it. I never have to come back here again...I'm free now."