Mikau: Hey there everyone! It's so good to see you again! Sorry I took so long with this chapter. I really appreciate your patience. This one wasn't really playing nice, and it needed my full attention, but I was busy with working on CTM since it's near the completion of part one and Roses since the Roses crowd hadn't had an update in forever. I'll try a more balanced approach in the future, though. Thanks so much to everyone who was eagerly awaiting this chapter, in particular everyone who reviewed last time: Bunnyz-chan, Katherine Apollo Karma, DetectivePandaThief, MeitanteiRose, LILI Namikaze, patternleap, Guest, mochiusagi, sunnyzhp22, and incandescent stars. And now on with the show!
Disclaimer: If I owned it, there would have been more Kaito screen time in the mystery train arc. I just watched those episodes the other day waiting for Kid to show up, and it really didn't happen. I was sad.
…
Chapter Ten: A Turn of the Tables
April had snuck up on them. It was going to be their two-month anniversary soon, and Shinichi was really wondering where the time had gone.
He'd yet to truly fess up to Hakuba about what was really going on between him and Kaito, and Kaito still didn't know about the baby, but…things were going so well on both ends, and Shinichi didn't want to complicate matters. Besides, Kaito had his first headlining gig coming up for one of the magician's Shinichi had met as Conan, and Shinichi didn't want to risk upsetting him.
So, as it stood, it was a day like any other day. Only Shinichi was running late. Kaito was cleaning up breakfast while Shinichi rushed around the house getting ready to go. Despite the fact that he had already been late when he woke up, Shinichi had been forced to have a decent breakfast before he was allowed to leave.
"Thanks, Kaito." Shinichi gave his boyfriend a quick goodbye kiss on the cheek before dashing out the door.
"Have a good day, Honey!" Kaito chuckled, very much enjoying his role as young housewife. "Don't work too hard!"
"Ha! Thanks!" Shinichi shot over his shoulder.
The tardy sleuth flew out the door, sprinted across the front yard, and came to a stop at the gate as the mailman bid him good morning, handing over that day's mail.
He thanked the mailman and was about to toss the mail in the box to be picked up either by Kaito or when he returned home, but he paused when he noticed a very distinctive, fancy envelope. Reasoning that he had already missed the nine-twenty train, he stopped to open and inspect what was most likely some kind of party invitation.
It was from Ran.
Getting a bad feeling, Shinichi made his way back inside the house before he tore into the envelope. He held his breath and pulled out the card. And then he dropped it.
What?
He rushed to retrieve it so that he could read it again and make sure. He checked the date of postage, thinking that maybe this was just an April Fool's joke in very bad taste. But it wasn't unless it was very belated, and Ran wouldn't…would she? No. He read the card again, this time noting the postscript.
"KAITO?!" Shinichi bellowed.
Kaito came running. "Call the police and an ambulance?" That was usually the deal whenever Shinichi left his side for a few minutes only to come running back. Typically Shinichi was less panicky about it, but…
Shinichi shook his head.
Kaito frowned. "Then…did you forget something?"
Shinichi closed his eyes, near tears, and shook his head again. "D-Did you…did you talk to Ran recently?"
Kaito was starting to freak out. Shinichi didn't cry unless some earthshattering crap was going down. Heck, even when apocalyptic craziness was happening, Shinichi remained cool, calm, and collected. Shinichi hadn't cried since he was a child the first time around.
"Y-Yeah?" Kaito tried to remain composed. If Shinichi was going to go to pieces,—God forbid!—Kaito needed to keep a level head. "It was kind of a weird conversation. She said she just called to ask me about taking leaps of faith and when you knew it was really love and not just a rebound. She was a little all over the place, and it was kind of four in the morning…. Shin-chan, what's up? You're not looking so good."
"Ran sent us a wedding invitation," he informed steadily in a careful monotone as he held out the card for Kaito to look at.
"What?" He couldn't have heard that right.
"She says thank you for helping her make the right decision," Shinichi added blandly.
"What?!" Kaito rubbed his eyes, reading the card a second and third time. "What?! Who the hell is Hondou Eisuke?! What does she mean they're getting married in June?! What?! What the hell is she thinking?!"
Shinichi shrugged. "Old high school friend that moved to America to join the CIA."
Kaito blinked, slowly coming to realization. "The guy that she was going to America to visit."
"The guy I told her to give a call when we broke up," Shinichi added softly, face looking grey and ashen like a zombie's. "He didn't waste any time in proposing. He's had a crush on her since back in high school, but I told him to back off. I guess there was nothing stopping him now, huh? …And she said yes."
"Shin-chan…are you okay?" Kaito tentatively reached out to rest a hand on his boyfriend's arm.
Shinichi pulled away, evading Kaito's touch as he shook his head. "I'm gonna go lie down for a while."
"I'll come with you," Kaito offered, thinking that probably the only thing he could do for his darling was hold him as he cried.
Shinichi shook his head once more, putting his hands up at chest level to keep Kaito at bay. "I want to be alone." He took off his jacket and hung it on the stair railing. "Thanks, but…just…I want to be alone, so…"
"Okay," Kaito mumbled, feeling helpless as the man he loved slowly ascended the stairs and slammed his bedroom door behind him.
With a heavy sigh Kaito went back to the kitchen to finish straightening up.
What to do? After he had heard that Saguru and Aoko were getting married, he remembered spending every night for three straight months holed up in Shinichi's study. It had been another one of those times in his life where he'd struggled just to hold himself together. Kaito had wanted more than anything for someone to just hold him. Shinichi had been there for him, and Sonoko had done her fair share of sitting up all night with him, but…Kaito had wanted love.
It stood to reason that Kaito should be up there snuggling with his boyfriend, assuring Shinichi that he was loved…but…Shinichi wanted to be left alone. What did that leave for Kaito to do? Sit on his hands feeling helpless and useless?
Kaito sighed yet again, going in to sit on the couch as he pulled out his phone and dialed Sonoko.
"Kai-chan! I was just about to call you!" Sonoko squealed in delight. "I need your opinion on a dress. I've narrowed it down to five."
"A bridesmaid's dress?" Kaito snorted.
"How'd you guess?" Sonoko blinked, thrown by Kaito's insider knowledge.
"Ran-san sent Shinichi and me an invitation to the wedding," Kaito grumbled, wanting nothing more than to shake the insensitive black-belt.
"She didn't!" Sonoko gasped. "Honestly, Kai-chan, I don't know where that girl's head is at nowadays. Ever since she and Shinichi broke up she's not been herself. Going off to America…getting engaged…"
"Sono-chan, what am I supposed to do?" Kaito whined. "My boyfriend is up in his room brooding, and he's shutting me out. How am I supposed to be supportive if he just wants to be alone?"
"Oh, Kai-chan," Sonoko hummed. "Why don't you give him some space? Shinichi's never liked showing weakness in front of others. He probably just needs to grieve in peace. Be extra sweet and thoughtful whenever he does come out of his room, and he'll start to cheer up before long. You're adorable, Kai-chan; how could he keep from brightening up around you?"
"You think so?" Kaito exhaled slowly, blowing his bangs up. "'Cause I think this has the potential to be torturous. Shin-chan's probably going to be mean and grouchy for years now. This is going to suck."
"I'm positive it's going to be alright," Sonoko promised. "Kai-chan, yes, it's probably going to suck for a month or two, but…look at it this way: he's really truly yours now. There's no going back for Shinichi and Ran. Whatever happens here on out, you two are facing it as a legitimate couple…not that you weren't before, but…I know you've had some doubts and fears that Ran might take him away from you in the future. Now…you don't have to worry about all that junk. Now you can really concentrate on building your life together without looking back and letting his past with Ran haunt you. Stay positive, Kai-chan."
Kaito nodded. "Thanks, Sono-chan. I'll…I'll try to keep my chin up…. You said something about a dress?"
Twenty minutes later Sonoko had purchased her maid of honor dress and Kaito was feeling slightly more optimistic about his situation. After they hung up, Kaito switched on the TV and flipped to the channel that aired his telenovelas.
Today Enrique was still sneaking behind his sister Paola's back with her husband Juan and then, afterwards, slinking home to that wife-beater Javier with his tail between his legs in shame.
Kaito sighed as Javier slapped Enrique right across the face and then proceeded to passionately French kiss it all better. "Get some self-worth, Enrique. You're better than that. Run off with Juan; Juan loves you."
In the next scene, after the gratuitous sex that bordered on pornography, Enrique met the charming and charismatic Esteban. Esteban fawned over Enrique, promising lasting love and a future together. Enrique, of course, was eating out of the palm of Esteban's hand within minutes, and, low and behold, before long, Enrique was naïvely going to Esteban's bed only to be used and forsaken, thrown away.
Kaito resisted the urge to beat his head against the wall. "Seriously, Enrique? Seriously?"
Why did he like this show again? Oh yeah. He was emotionally invested in the characters.
Shinichi's phone, still in the pocket of the coat hanging off of the banister, started to wail during one of the commercial breaks.
Kaito frowned as he turned to gaze at it over the back of the couch. He should get that. It might be important, and God knows Shinichi wasn't picking up his phone any time soon. He got to the phone just a few seconds too late. It had stopped ringing, but he dug it out of the pocket and looked at the missed calls.
Hakuba Saguru.
Kaito stood remarkably still as a powerful cocktail of emotions washed over him. There was sadness and longing mixed with fondness and gratitude. He missed Saguru. He missed Hakuba. He missed the close confidant and constant companion his husband had been. More than that, he missed the mind games, the mental sparring matches, the Brit's quick wit and obnoxious smirk. He missed his rival, his friend.
Kaito jumped as the phone made the noise indicating that Saguru had left a voicemail. Kaito was tempted to listen, but he wasn't sure how he'd react to hearing Saguru's voice after so terribly long. His heart ached, but he decided against it. Shinichi needed him to be at two hundred percent right now, and listening to that voicemail could be very dangerous to Kaito's mental stability.
Instead, Kaito opted to text the cop: "Sorry. Shinichi's sick, so he can't come to work today. He may be out for a couple days." He hit send and was just about to slip the phone back into Shinichi's jacket pocket when the little device pinged again.
Kaito hesitantly peeked at Saguru's reply: "Kaito? Are you okay?!"
Kaito blinked slowly. Are you okay, not is he. What? Kaito had told Saguru that Shinichi was sick, and the blonde's instinctive response was…to make sure Kaito was okay? Maybe it was a typo…. But typographical errors were not a common occurrence for the meticulous Brit. Maybe in his frantic worry for his partner he mistakenly—
That thought was left incomplete as another text arrived: "I'm sorry. I should be asking about Kudo. Is it very serious? Is he alright? He's not in the hospital is he? Which one is it? Or does he just have a cold? No. I've seen him come to work with the flu before. He's not dying, is he?! Kaito, are you okay?!"
And there it was again. Not a careless mistake, but genuine concern.
Should he answer? This was bad, wasn't it? Talking to your ex-husband while your boyfriend was going through hell upstairs. Was this considered being unfaithful?! It felt wrong. It felt like he was doing something he shouldn't. He should put the phone back…pretend he never received the reply. Shinichi was going to see this in his text log. He should just…He should…
"I think he'll be okay. Like I said, he might be out of commission for a few days. I'm…" Kaito took a deep breath. What was he doing? He should erase what he'd started writing. He should ignore Sagu—HAKUBA. Hakuba. Ignore Hakuba because this was not healthy. This was bad. He was emotionally vulnerable at the moment with Shinichi having his well-deserved breakdown, and…
How was Kaito really feeling?
Sad. He was hurt that Shinichi didn't want his comfort and support. Was it not good enough? Was it not enough? At the very least, Kaito and Shinichi were friends. They were close pals, and didn't that…I don't know…mean something? Shinichi might not love Kaito, but didn't the fact that Kaito cared mean anything to Shinichi? Wasn't it even the least bit comforting or encouraging? No? It hurt.
"I could use a hug," he finished, sending the message before actually stopping to think.
He could have smacked himself with a mop. You didn't just tell your ex that you needed a hug! Arguably flirting! Cheating! Infidelity right there, Kuroba, documented for your boyfriend to find later!
"I'm so sorry, Dove."
Uh-oh. Here come the pet names. This screamed affair.
"I wish I could help. Is there anything I can do for you? Do you need me to go to the store and bring anything over for you? Are you eating properly, Kai? Do you need me to come make some lunch for you? Though, I do suppose you cook now. Kudo told me you were pretty good, actually. Well, do you need me to bring you some ingredients? Or, maybe, if you don't want to see me, I could always drop a care package on your doorstep. I'd understand if you didn't want to see me, but… Kaito, is there anything I can do for you, Dove?" All of these were fired off in a rapid succession of one-lined texts.
Kaito smiled softly, a twinge of regret filling him. More than anything he wanted to tell Saguru to come. Come right away and take care of me. Kiss it all better. I'm lonely and I'm hurting and I just want someone to love me like you loved me. Take me back. Let's be "us" again.
He took a deep breath and shook his head, looking away from the phone and to the top of the stairs at the door to Shinichi's bedroom. He let the breath out slowly and typed, "Thanks but no thanks. We'll be okay. I can take care of it. I can take care of myself…and him, but thank you so much for your concern. I really appreciate it. I'm really glad that Shinichi has a great partner like you."
And with that he stuck the phone back in the jacket pocket and returned to the living room where he turned up the volume of the TV.
…
At around twelve thirty Kaito peeled himself up off of the couch and went into the kitchen to make up a quick lunch. He had a feeling that Shinichi wouldn't feel like eating, but he needed to get at least something down the detective's throat.
He gave Shinichi's door a tentative knock before trying to open it. It was locked.
Kaito bit his lips and scrunched up his brow in a frown. He made quick work of the lock and let himself in, acutely insulted that his boyfriend had believed that would keep Kaito out.
Shinichi lay motionless on the bed, a pillow over his head.
"Hey, Shin-chan. I brought you some lunch," Kaito called softly, coming around and sitting down with the tray on the side of the bed that he usually slept on.
"I don't want anything," Shinichi grumbled, voice a little hoarse.
Kaito set the tray down and crawled across the bed to lie at Shinichi's side. "Shin-chan, you've got to eat something. Please?"
"I'm not hungry," Shinichi argued from under the pillow.
"Yeah. I know, Honey." Kaito reached out and rested a gentle hand on Shinichi's back. "But you have to eat anyway. Remember when Aoko and Saguru got married and you had to literally force food into my mouth? You just used your hands, but I could feed you mouth to mouth, if you like."
"Kaito, please just go away," Shinichi choked.
He was crying.
"Okay," Kaito relented, pressing a quick kiss to Shinichi's shoulder since his head was still buried under the pillow. "I'll be right downstairs, though, just in case you need anything. I'll come back and check on you later."
Kaito knew how proud Shinichi was. It was probably mortifying for him being in this state. Shinichi most likely didn't want anyone to see him like this. Kaito could respect that. He'd give Shinichi his space for a while.
In the meantime, Kaito watched Muppet movies downstairs in the living room, but he just couldn't focus.
This sucked. Really and truly it did. He felt powerless and hopeless and oh so inferior all over again. He kept reminding himself that this wasn't about him and his suffering—this was about Shinichi. Shinichi needed him to keep it together, so Kaito would just have to hold on and deal with his own wounds after Shinichi was better.
He sighed deeply as the credits began to roll. Hadn't he just started the DVD a minute or two ago?
The doorbell rang, making Kaito give an involuntary shudder.
Slowly he made his way to the front door and stood on tiptoe to peek out the window. He was truly afraid of what he would find out there. It could be Ran, come to take it all back. Maybe she'd just been teaching Shinichi a lesson and now she was going to ask him to be hers again?
Worse than that, maybe it was Saguru, come to take it all back. He'd destroy Kaito's resolve in an instant what with the whole unstable nature of Kaito's relationship with Shinichi at present.
Either way Kaito would crumble. He hesitantly opened his eyes and looked to see who was at the door, expecting the very worst…but it was only a deliveryman. With flowers…a flower, a single rose in a small budvase.
"A delivery for Kuroba Kaito-sama."
"T-That's me—I mean…I'm he," Kaito stuttered while fumbling for his name stamp.
"Have a nice day," the deliveryman handed the package over with a tip of his hat, taking back his clipboard.
Kaito closed the door and stared at the beautiful red rose.
The card read: "Just to brighten your day. Smile. You're exquisite."
Kaito's brow hardened into a deep frown. Shinichi hadn't sent this rose. Shinichi didn't have the presence of mind to reason, "My mental collapse is probably upsetting my boyfriend and making him feel insecure. Maybe I should send him flowers to reassure him."
Who had sent this rose? The only other people Kaito had talked to that day were Sonoko-chan—who was probably too busy with her sudden maid of honor duties to bother sending her other best friend a flower—and…
"Saguru," Kaito whispered, a single tear streaming down his face. "What the hell, you idiot?"
A mix of sour emotions churned in his gut. Kaito felt guilty. If Shinichi saw those texts, saw the rose, saw the card attached… Dammit. He didn't want to hurt Shinichi…. Would Shinichi even care? Of course he would. Shinichi really did like him, even though "love" was still far out of reach. If Shinichi found out about Kaito's brief lapse of judgment on top of the blow he'd already received from Ran's announcement…
Kaito took the little card from its pick and read it once more.
His heart fluttered, traitor that it was. It still hadn't forgotten the man Kaito had been wholly devoted to. A love that strong didn't die so easily. Kaito knew and accepted that it was natural for him to still have feelings for his once husband, but…Shinichi might not be so understanding.
Kaito pressed the card flat to his chest and savored the giddy feeling it gave him. He took a moment to appreciate that someone still cared about him even when he was going through yet another rough patch with Shinichi. He let himself feel grateful for Saguru's loving, thoughtful gift for a minute before he tore the card into little bitty pieces, depositing them in the proper trash receptacle.
Next, Kaito moved to the banister where Shinichi's jacket still hung. He grabbed Shinichi's phone out of the pocket and erased the text conversation between himself and Saguru. He'd take the rose up to Shinichi later and pretend it was form him, and then all of the evidence would be gone.
Kaito might still have feelings for Saguru, but there was no going back now. Kaito was Shinichi's, and Kaito was resolved to remain absolutely faithful, even when the going got tough.
…
When Kaito next looked at the clock, it was already past three thirty. Where had the time gone? Had he eaten lunch? He'd been so out of it; he didn't remember. He was kind of hungry now that you mention it.
He made his way into the kitchen and whipped up two sandwiches—a peanut butter and banana for himself and a turkey with veggies for Shinichi. He grabbed two pieces of fruit, two bottles of water, put it all on a tray along with the rose, and headed on up to Shinichi's room.
He knocked and gave Shinichi nearly a full minute out of courtesy so that the detective could straighten up a bit to preserve his pride.
Shinichi was still lying on the bed with his head covered by a pillow when Kaito finally entered. The tray of food Kaito had brought up earlier sat untouched.
"Hey," Kaito called gently, moving the old tray out of the way. He sat on the bed and placed the new lunch tray down between them. "How ya feelin', Shin-chan?"
There was a low grumble in response from underneath the pillow. It kind of sounded like Shinichi had said he felt like fecal matter. Kaito could relate.
"I'm sorry, Shinichi." Kaito reached out and tentatively stroked Shinichi's arm, trying to comfort the man he loved.
Unfortunately, Shinichi just shied away, apparently not wanting to be touched.
"Sorry," Kaito mumbled, doing everything he could to keep from fidgeting. How he wanted to just DO something, move, touch, soothe, be useful for once in this relationship, be on the giving end of the support and reassurances for once.
"I see you didn't eat the food I brought in earlier." Kaito nibbled on the inside of his cheek and waited a second for a response before he continued on himself. "…I guess you're still not hungry, huh?"
Another barely decipherable grumble from under the pillow.
"Yeah. I get it, believe me. Soooo been there, done that, got the t-shirt, over it," Kaito tried to be sympathetic. "Usually, when you're depressed—at least, for me, anyway—you're either not hungry or you want to eat everything in sight. Either way, you've got to eat a reasonable amount, so…Shin-chan, why don't you sit up and take a few bites of sandwich or the apple or something?"
"Kaito, I'm not hungry," Shinichi croaked out rather clearly (at least a great deal more audibly than his previous responses). "I just want to be alone, okay?"
Kaito chewed on his lip a minute as he went over possible strategies. He frowned when one in particular came to mind, but he decided to give it a shot anyway.
"Oi, Kudo," he barked. "Look, I really do get it, but as your friend, I'm not gonna just sit here and let you wallow in self-pity while slowly starving to death. I care about you, you idiot, and I'm not gonna let you waste away, okay? Look, I care about you so much that I even made you a freaking turkey sandwich," Kaito huffed. "I touched the lifeless flesh of a murdered comrade for you because I know you like turkey, and I'm gonna hate you forever if you just turn up your nose at my loving sacrifice, so get the hell out from under that pillow and eat the damn sandwich already."
There was a long moment in which neither of them moved, and then, very, very slowly, a tuft of Shinichi's now disheveled hair peeked out from under the pillow. Soon more hair and then the indomitable cowlick and eventually Shinichi's tearstained face all became visible.
Shinichi blinked stupidly at Kaito. "It's been a long time since you talked to me like that."
Kaito smiled. "Do you like it when I boss you around?"
Shinichi shrugged, cheeks turning peony pink as he reached for one of the water bottles.
"Aww, Shin-chan's an M! How cute!" Kaito cooed, causing Shinichi's cheeks to color an even darker hue.
"Stupid thief," Shinichi grumbled, picking up the turkey sandwich and slowly setting to work as if he were being forced to do hard labor.
"Hey now. Let's be nice," Kaito chuckled. "You're the one that said you wished I'd get a little of my spunk back. And besides, you're already hurting my feelings, making that sour face while you eat the sandwich I prepared for you with love. Do you have to add insult to injury?"
Shinichi's brow furrowed. "Sorry. It's just—"
"—It tastes like dust, doesn't it?" Kaito inquired softly. "Even your favorite foods taste like dust when you're feeling this down."
Shinichi shifted uncomfortably. "No. It tastes fine, Kaito…. It's good. Thank you. I'm actually feeling better, so…I'll eat, so you don't have to watch me or anything. You can go do something else, if you want. I'll be fine by myself."
Kaito rolled his eyes. "Big liar," he accused with a snort. "At least your acting's gotten a little better, but I don't believe you for a second. Anyway, there's nowhere I'd rather be right now, so, if you don't mind, I'll just stay here and have lunch with my boyfriend. I haven't really eaten anything myself. I've kind of been out of it today too."
"Sorry," Shinichi mumbled, his voice catching in his throat. "I've just been thinking about myself and 'woe is me' this whole time, but…I'm hurting you, aren't I?"
Kaito shrugged, biting into his own sandwich and then proceeding to chew and talk at the same time. "I won't lie: yeah, this sucks big time for me too, but honestly? Please. We've been doing this take care of Kaito, don't upset Kaito, pity Kaito thing for the past two months. Sometimes I really do need it because I'm seriously an emotional plane crash, but I think right now we need to take care of Shinichi." Kaito reached out and gently caressed Shinichi's face, running a hand through his hair and stroking his cheek, his jaw. "Because Shinichi's going through some serious crap, right?" Kaito pressed a soft kiss to Shinichi's temple much like the many comforting kisses he had received before from Shinichi himself.
Shinichi's face scrunched up like he was about to cry. "D-Don't," he whispered. "I'll be fine. I can handle it myself, so just go, okay? I want to be alone."
"Why?" Kaito finally asked. "Why won't you let me be there for you? Why are you so determined to suffer all by yourself?"
"Because I don't want you to see me like this!" Shinichi cried in exasperation.
Kaito wasn't sure if he wanted to laugh or scowl because, really, it was hilarious and not the least bit amusing all at the same time. "Seriously? That's what the big deal is? What? Are you concerned that I'll finally realize that the great Kudo Shinichi is a mortal man with feelings and weaknesses just like the rest of us? What? Do you think I'm going to laugh at you or think less of you if you break down in front of me? Do you think I'll lose faith in your ability to take care of me?
"Shinichi, you've seen me at my absolute worst, and it's pretty bad when you collapse and end up in the hospital and then can't feed yourself, walk on your own, or even get out of bed because you're so freaking broken all you can do is cry. You've seen me look like hell hacked me up, and yet you don't seem to think any differently of me. You still go on about how you respect me and how you think I'm awesome and a beautiful human being."
Kaito reached out, taking Shinichi's face in his hands and forcing Shinichi to look at him as tears finally began to slide down Shinichi's cheeks. "Shinichi, I love you. I just want to be with you, be there for you, feeling like I'm helping in some way, shape, or form. I think you're gorgeous whether you're wearing pjs or if you've just come in from a case covered in sludge. I'm still gonna love you even if I see you with red, puffy eyes or tears and snot running down your face, so stop running away from me, already. Let me in, Shinichi."
Kaito mentally crossed his fingers and went with the flow, leaning in and taking Shinichi's lips with his own in a heated, open-mouthed kiss.
A miniature war erupted inside of Shinichi. Sure, he liked Kaito a hell of a lot, but there was still the fact that Kaito loved him, and he most certainly did not return the magician's feelings at the same intensity. Shinichi had no business drowning his sorrows in mindless pleasures like making out with Kaito. It was wrong of him to use Kaito to numb the pain Ran had caused him…AGAIN. Because that was the way this relationship started out, wasn't it? And now Shinichi was using the well-meaning Kaito again.
But the kiss burned, and it was like balm to his wounds. He knew he shouldn't. He knew he should pull away for Kaito's sake, out of respect for Kaito, because if Shinichi allowed himself to use Kaito a second time, it would happen a third, and Shinichi didn't want to jeopardize or threaten their relationship like that, but…
Kaito did this nifty little thing in Shinichi's mouth with his tongue, and Shinichi's resolve disintegrated as he melted into the kiss.
One kiss became two became three, and Shinichi wrapped his arms around Kaito, leaning back and pulling Kaito on top of him. They rocked together, pressing closer desperately as lips moved in sync, sometimes frantically, sometimes languidly.
Shinichi surrendered to the moment, the feelings, not letting his mind wonder any farther than Kaito as he let go and just responded to whatever demanded his attention on a moment by moment basis: Kaito's tongue raking over his teeth, the way Kaito rolled his hips, Kaito's fingers weaving through hair or sneaking under clothing.
Meanwhile, Kaito was almost buzzing. He felt elated, absolute bliss of such a magnitude as he had not experienced since Saguru last held him in his arms. This was heavenly, and Shinichi had given him control, given him free rein. Deep down he knew that this had a lot to do with Shinichi's vulnerable emotional state, but it wasn't altogether artificial. There may have been a lot of pain and lust in there, but there was some genuine affection for Kaito as well, and Kaito could live with that.
After a good while their frenzied motions slowed into a lazy battle of sloppy kisses.
Kaito gave Shinichi's bottom lip one last suck before slowly pulling away so that their noses were a few inches apart. "Better, Darling?"
"Mm," Shinichi hummed tiredly as his eyelids drifted closed. He tilted his head to give Kaito's nose a peck.
Kaito giggled and rolled off of his boyfriend, lying down at Shinichi's side. "Good. I'm feeling better too." Kaito stifled a yawn. "Kind of sleepy, but good. Naptime?"
But Shinichi was already sound asleep and starting to snore softly.
Kaito just smiled and closed his eyes.
…
Kaito woke up a few hours later, but Shinichi was still out cold. Figuring it was close enough to bedtime to let the exhausted sleuth sleep, Kaito quietly cleaned up the lunch tray still sitting on the bed and carefully tucked Shinichi in.
The rose that had been sitting in its little budvase on the tray while they'd been…roughhousing had been knocked over. The water had spilled within the confines of the sturdy wooden tray, though, so it was easy enough to mop up.
Kaito gave the rose some new water and a fresh cut so that it would drink and then snuck it onto the bedside table in Shinichi's room using the skills he had acquired as a thief to enter and leave without anyone (the sleeping Shin-chan) being the wiser.
Feeling better about the situation, Kaito began to whistle softly as he too prepared for bed, taking a shower, changing into his pajamas, and sitting down to read a bit before finally turning down the covers and hitting the lights at eleven o'clock.
…
Shinichi woke up at five in the morning feeling like garbage. He'd slept in his work clothes. He'd lost the tie when Kaito and he had been making out, but the belt had stayed on, and the belt buckle had dug into his side sometime during the night.
He probably looked like hell too what with all of the crying he'd been doing. He hadn't bothered cleaning up at all, so his eyes were probably puffy and bloodshot. He might possibly have dried snot and salt in tear tracks down his cheeks. His lips felt bruised from Kaito's vicious onslaught of merciless sucking and biting, and his hair was…God. He didn't even want to see what a bird's nest his hair had become from being under a pillow for most of the day and then being subjected to Kaito's hands running through it.
He rolled out of bed, grabbed some jogging pants and a cotton tee from the closet, and headed into the bathroom to shower. He caught a glimpse of himself in the mirror and shuddered even as he blushed in embarrassment.
Dammit. Kaito had seen him like that. Like THAT. Ick. But…Kaito apparently hadn't thought so. Kaito had kissed him and told him that he loved him. Even with Shinichi looking like a drown kitten, Kaito had still wanted him.
Shinichi could feel the blush intensify. His stomach felt all funny. It was really nice to be loved like that. It felt good, like being wrapped up in a cozy blanket in front of the fireplace with a cup of hot chocolate on a bitter winter's night.
And the things Kaito had said. The beautiful things Kaito had said made Shinichi a little light-headed even now. It felt wonderful finally being accepted completely, all of his weaknesses and faults…even though he wasn't always strong, wasn't perfect.
And then there was the kiss…kisses.
A little shudder of pleasure ran through Shinichi's body like an electric current as he remembered the fire Kaito had lit within him, the feeling of hands and lips and hips all coming together in one big tangle of limbs and tango of tongues.
A sharp stiletto of guilt pierced Shinichi's gut as he stepped under the shower's spray. He shouldn't have done that. Taking advantage of Kaito like that when his feelings were so pure, so intense. Yes, Shinichi had to admit that his own feelings towards Kaito were quickly heating up, but…he was so afraid that he was just rebounding, especially what with the news of yesterday leading up to that heated make-out session. It was too rushed. Shinichi was nowhere close to all healed up and emotionally ready to be seriously involved in a new relationship. This was a mess, and it was going to blow up in his face. Worse, it was going to blow up and hurt Kaito.
Shinichi let his head thud against the wall of the shower. "Stupid, stupid, stupid."
He'd let his guard down and let this happen. He'd been trying to be so careful with Kaito since the very beginning, but he'd finally screwed up big time.
He hit his head against the wall again and groaned. Soon the groan turned into a growl of frustration. He was angry—angry with himself for losing control and breaking down in the first place, angry with Ran for insensitively sending him the invite at all, angry with Eisuke for jumping the gun and proposing about two years too soon, angry at himself again for messing his relationship with Ran up with lies, angry at the Organization for screwing up his life, angry at himself for being a stupid teen and sticking his nose in places it didn't belong, angry with Hakuba for ever letting Kaito go, and angry with Kaito for being so damn wonderful all the time.
It was with this vicious circle of anger and regrets that Shinichi quickly finished getting dressed and headed out back with a soccer ball. He did some lifting at first to try to refocus his mind and calm down, but the thoughts kept coming back. He was angry. God, he was furious!
"Gah!" he screamed, sending the ball flying into the trunk of the old oak tree with a punishing kick.
The ball connected with a loud smack and then came bouncing back. If Shinichi had been using Conan's shoes, he'd no doubt that the ball would have gone straight through the poor tree.
"Ah!" Shinichi yelled again, sending the ball back at the oak and envisioning his own face on the bark.
He kicked the ball again, this time pretending that it was Eisuke; how he wanted to really soccer ball that bastard in the gut. He kicked it again, and this time he visualized Gin's ugly mug in the wood. Next time it was Vodka and then Ran, Eisuke again, Hakuba, Vermouth, Gin, Eisuke, Conan. He cycled through all of the people he'd really like to hit again and again, but more often than not he envisioned his own face in the bark.
He knew that he could only blame others so much. He knew he was the one in charge of his own destiny and that his life was only going to be as happy as he made it in whatever circumstances came to be. He knew he only had himself to blame for the situation he was in: losing Ran and having her move on without him, all the while him hurting Kaito. Shinichi knew he was the one to blame, so, most of all, he was angry with himself.
"Shin-chan," Kaito called gently. "Whatever the tree did, it's very, very sorry. You can stop punishing it already. I think it's learned its lesson."
"K-Kaito." Shinichi jumped as his boyfriend's voice shook him out of his trance.
Kaito smiled softly. "Hey. Come on in; I've got breakfast ready for you."
Shinichi frowned deeply, gaze dropping down to his sneakers. "Kaito, I…"
"And don't you dare say you don't want anything," Kaito sighed, sensing resistance. "I know you're not hungry, and I don't care. Come in and eat. C'mon. I made you coffee too."
"Kaito, about yesterday…" Shinichi mumbled, cheeks going as pink as a peach.
"Yeah?" Kaito chuckled, fond memories of yesterday coming to the surface.
"I'm sorry," Shinichi whispered. "I'm really, really sorry."
"For what?" Kaito blinked. Apparently they weren't talking about the same incident from yesterday. "You mean you getting upset about the wedding invitation? Please. We do remember how I reacted when I found out that Aoko and Saguru were getting married, don't we? Shin-chan, you're fine. Don't worry about it."
"I meant…about the k-kissing," Shinichi stuttered in mortification.
Kaito smirked. "Oh, let me assure you, you have nothing to apologize for."
"No," Shinichi growled in frustration. "Kaito, I used you! Again! Doesn't that make you angry?! Aren't you mad at me?!"
"No." Kaito shrugged, a little confused. "Shinichi, if you remember correctly, I was the one that kissed you. It's not like you forced yourself on me or anything. I kissed you; you kissed me back. What do I have to be mad about?"
"Everything!" Shinichi cried in exasperation, finally looking at Kaito. Why was he the only one getting so emotional about this? It was a huge deal! "Kaito, I used you! After going on and on for two months about how I was never going to make you cry and how much I respect you and how I wanted to take things slowly and let our relationship develop naturally…! God, after all of those stupid, gushy, romantic things I said, all those promises, after all that, I go and do something like this! I'm furious and frankly disgusted with myself; why the hell aren't you at least slightly miffed?!"
Kaito stood there without saying anything for a good minute or two. He slowly began to inch forward until he was within arm's reach. "…Shinichi, you're an imperfect human being just trying to do your best. Most days you do a lot better than the rest of us mortals. I think you need to learn to cut yourself some slack on the rare day that you fall short. I know why you're so hesitant to slip up; Saguru was the same way. You detectives…if you guys make a mistake, someone usually dies, but…I think you need to learn to forgive yourself for not being perfect, Shinichi."
Kaito reached out to wrap his arms around Shinichi, but the detective pulled away.
"Kaito, I don't…" he hissed, but then stopped and took a deep breath. He continued on in a tired, defeated tone. "You should go somewhere else today. I need to be alone."
Kaito bit his lip, holding back his own temper tantrum outburst of "Why do you keep pushing me away?! Why won't you let me be there for you?!" Kaito took a cleansing breath and nodded. "Okay. One day. I'll leave you alone for one day, Mister, but that's it. Furthermore, if I come home tonight and you haven't eaten anything, I'm gonna dye your hair neon yellow and cover you in silly string and glitter. Got it?"
Shinichi dipped his head slightly in a barely perceptible nod.
"Good," Kaito sighed as he turned to leave. "I love you, Shinichi," he called over his shoulder.
Shinichi felt another stab of guilt to his gut. He held it all in until he was sure Kaito was gone, and then he turned on the oak tree, sending the ball back at it once more for good measure with a frustrated scream, "Arg!"
It seemed like it was all falling apart. He was really and truly losing Ran, and, at the same time, hurting Kaito and pushing him away. He was furious and devastated and guilt-ridden, and he wasn't quite sure which emotion he wanted to deal with first. He'd rather not feel anything at all. He wanted to be numb, completely lost in Kaito's kiss once more.
He sighed and dropped to the ground, wrapping his arms around his legs and letting his forehead rest against his knees. He let himself weep quiet, bitter tears. God, this all sucked so much.
…
Mikau: Gosh. This wasn't a very happy chapter, was it? At least there was the first official kiss of the relationship, and Kaito seems to be doing a lot better. The chapter title refers to a shift in Kaito and Shinichi's roles in the relationship. Up until this point, Shinichi's been the one providing most of the comfort, support, and care, and now Kaito has to be the strong one for Shinichi's sake. I think he's doing a pretty good job so far. What did you think? How did you like the chapter? Sorry again that it took so long. I'm trying to steadily work at all three of my major fics, but CTM's getting most of the focus because it's so close to the completion of part one. I'll try to work on the next chapter and have it posted sometime in the coming few weeks. Thanks again for your patience and support guys! Take care until next time!