INVADER QUINN

Daria and Beavis and Butthead are property of Glenn Eichler, Mike Judge, and MTV

Invader Zim is property of Jhonen Vasquez, Nickelodeon, and Viacom

Episode 1-010: No Skin Off My Bones

Date: Tuesday, November 4th, 2097

Quinn looked up at the clock before returning her attention to the TV. She still had three hours before she needed to be at the high school "Are you looking to transform yourself into something new and beautiful?" asked the voice-over on the TV. "How about no," Quinn mocked.

"Then visit Dr. Shar's Swan Shoppe, located in the Rx Plex!" Quinn raised an eyebrow in slight curiosity, just as GIR walked into the room and sat down on the couch. "Do you want a new nose? New ears? How about a new dimple or eyebrows? Here at Doctor Shar's Swan Shoppe, we can fix it for you wholesale!" announced the commercial.

"Ooh! I wonder if I could use a new face?" GIR pondered. "GIR, you're a robot, and we have plenty of disguises that are perfectly fine," Quinn said. "Besides, I just finished making that mongoose disguise you wanted," she added. "Oh yeah!" GIR said.

"Everyone deserves to be beautiful, and now you can be, too!" proclaimed the announcer of the commercial. "So come on down to Dr. Shar's Swan Shoppe today! Why not, unless you're some kind of alien!?" Quinn's eyes shot open. "N-No, it's just a ploy to frighten their fellow humans into wanting to get it. But still... perhaps I shall conduct some research after school today," Quinn said before she changed the channel.

"-nium mall is slowly recovering from last month's incident, but with only small steps of progress." Click. "-my Sherman is still missing, and authorities are-" Click. "Add two tablespoons of brown sugar, and then two teaspoons of cinnamon. After that..."

Later, At School...

Quinn opened her locker as she heard voices approaching. "So I said, "Sure, it's a nice car." But then I had to ask him if it had enough gas to get him to Loserville," Sandi said. Joey, Jeffy, and Jamie all laughed as they walked past Quinn. "You sure know how to tell a great story, Sandi!" Jeffy said to her.

"Tell us about the part with Tori again," Joey said. "What part? Tori wasn't in that story. It was just me and Tiffany," Sandi said with a raised eyebrow. "Hey, what's everyone looking at?" Jeffy asked. Quinn turned her head to look at a large group of people huddle together. "Let's find out," Sandi said as she walked over.

Quinn carefully trailed behind Sandi, trying to look around the somewhat taller girl as she saw that one girl, Brooke, standing in the center of the circle with a smile. "Why is she so proud? Did she pass a test of some kind?" Quinn asked out loud. Sandi sent a glance at Quinn and rolled her eyes before returning her focus to Brooke.

"So, Brooke," Sandi began, "What's the special occasion?" "Isn't it obvious?" Brooke asked before she pointed a finger at her nose. Sandi scrutinized the nose before widening her eyes and gasping. "You got a new nose!" Sandi exclaimed. "Isn't it just cute?" Brooke asked her.

Tiffany and Tori soon walked over to see Brooke's new nose. "Hey, Brooke, what's going-whoa, your nose!" Tiffany said. "I don't get it," Quinn said, puzzled. "What is so special about your nose? It isn't as though you grew taller or stronger," Quinn said. "Ugh, you wouldn't understand, green girl," Sandi said.

"So, anyway, I told Dr. Shar-" "Dr. Shar is the best," Tiffany cut in. "Yes. Anyway, I told Dr. Shar that I wanted it cute, but not too cute," Brooke said. "It's not too cute," Sandi said. "You sure?" she asked Sandi. "It's cute, but not obnoxious about it," Sandi said.

"How can a simple orifice for detecting smell be obnoxious? Does it have a mind of its own?" Quinn asked them. "What is wrong with you?" Sandi asked in disgust. "I was merely asking a question," Quinn said defensively. "Look, we know that you, like, have a skin condition, and so you have to view things differently from normal and popular people, but could at least keep it to yourself?" Sandi asked her.

"I'm as normal as any Earth larva!" Quinn retorted. "If that's what you have to keep telling yourself every time you look in the mirror," Sandi said smugly. "And just what is that supposed to mean?" Quinn asked her. "As I said, you have to look at the world differently because of your skin condition, otherwise you would be overflowing with shame over how you can't possibly meet the standards of the beautiful people," Sandi said.

"Grr, your legs are stupid!" Quinn spat at her. "At least I know how to wear fashionable clothing to make myself look even better than I already do," Sandi said. "I didn't say anything about your clothes," Quinn replied. "Oh. Um, my point still stands. Brooke's new nose is cute, and a girl like you could never possibly understand how significant that is," Sandi said.

"I'm sorry, but unless her new nose has also increased her sense of smell, I don't see how it could possibly be considered an improvement to what she already had," Quinn fired back, waiting to see how Sandi would react. "Who cares about smell?" Tori asked. "Yeah, her nose is cute, and that's all that matters," Tiffany added.

"So, you are all dumber than the Stacey-monkey, it would seem," Quinn said. "She called Stacey a monkey," Jeffy snickered. "Excuse me? Did you just call me dumb?" Sandi asked her venomously. "Yes," Quinn replied with a smile. "We'll see about that. Even an average person can tell you the importance of looking cute," Sandi said.

Sandi looked around and Saw Daria and Jane walking in the hallway. Stacey was walking right behind them. "Well, even if she's crazy, Stacey... um, no. Just her sister. We'll ask Stacey's sister," Sandi said as she walked toward Daria.

"Excuse me," Sandi said to Daria. "Yes?" Daria asked as she turned around. "So, Stacey's sister, take a look at this," Sandi said as Brooke walked over to her. "Take a look at this," Sandi said to her again. "You've taught another human being how to stand still. Congratulations," Daria said flatly.

"No. Look at her nose," Sandi said. Daria examined Brooke's nose. "Isn't it cute?" Sandi asked her. "It'll grow out when you hit puberty. Don't worry," Daria said before she walked away with Jane. Stacey chuckled before walking after her sister. "So... you were saying?" Quinn asked her mockingly.

Quinn chuckled while Sandi glared at her, before both girls heard a series of gasps and a scream, causing them to look over at Brooke. "Oh my god! What happened!?" Sandi asked. Brooke's nose had collapsed in on itself, and so Brooke was holding her nose with a fearful look in her eyes. "Let's get her to the nurse's office!" Jeffy said as he and Jamie helped carry Brooke away.

Quinn chuckled at Brooke's misfortune. "So... this is Dr. Shar's handiwork? I wonder if I can use this to my advantage?" Quinn muttered. The popular girls and boys are the ones that the other kids view with great importance. If I can make the popular kids view me with importance, then I can make them do what I say. I can have them gather crucial information about the planet's defenses and various data on financial centers. But... how do I make the popular kids see me with importance? The popular kids value appearances over things like height and strength, the morons, but I can use this to my advantage.

Quinn walked silently into her first class as she continued plotting. Since they value physical appearances, including body and clothing, I have to make myself attractive by their standards. I suppose it's a small sacrifice for my mission. Or perhaps... I can convince the other kids to receive failing beauty procedures from this doctor until I am the only one without a problem, causing me to become the most attractive by default.

"Okay, students," Miss Bitters said after the bell rang, "Open your books to the section on the dissolvement and reformation of the Republican party in 2020." Miss Bitters looked over the students. "Be sure to memorize the names of the party members responsible for the formation of the Moderate Party and the ones responsible for the Far Right or Eagle Party. You will be quizzed on this."

After School...

"Computer!" Quinn shouted, "I need information on human beauty standards. I have a new plan for controlling the humans." "Do you mean beauty standards specific to the area where we are located, or on the entire planet?" the computer asked. "Whichever is the most comprehensive," Quinn replied.

"Yes Sir," the computer replied. "Now, I need to see how that implant is working with Tommy Sherman," Quinn said as she took an elevator down into the depths of the base. She removed her wig and contact lenses after arriving in the room. GIR was sitting at a small table in the center of the room, drinking tea with a pig.

GIR looked over at Quinn and waved at her. "Hii! We're having tea! Want some!?" GIR asked excitedly. "Um... maybe later," Quinn said hesitantly. The last time she had tried some of GIR's tea, she had felt very ill afterwards. After reading the ingredient list on the packaging, Quinn had learned that GIR had been adding extra ingredients to the tea, including mushrooms and cornmeal.

"And just how is Mr. Sherman today?" Quinn asked as she walked up to the giant tube holding Tommy Sherman in it. He had a probe of some kind sticking out of his head. "I... feel... weird!" Tommy Sherman said painfully. "Hmm... perhaps it needs more time," Quinn muttered before walking over to a vat containing mutant fish swimming around. "Yes... once I release these creatures into the local ecosystem, the humans' supply of food will begin to suffer," Quinn said to herself with a grin. "I am Quinn!" she shouted at the ceiling.

"Hey, Stacey," Daria said as she made her way into the living room, "I'm heading over to Jane's place. I'll be back around nine or ten. Let Mom and Dad... well, let whoever gets home first know," Daria said as she walked out the door. "Got it!" Stacey said with a wave as she watched Mysterious Mysteries. "Did the old man haunt this fork for ten years? Find out after the commercial break," the announcer said.

"Stupid commercials," Stacey muttered. "Do you want to be beautiful?" "Oh god, no," Stacey said in disgust. "Another commercial for that Shar lady." Stacey groaned in frustration as she leapt off the couch and made her way into the kitchen to grab a snack.

"Quinn, I have gathered the necessary data for this region on Earth regarding human beauty standards," the computer announced. "Good. Now, look up as much information as you can find on a Doctor Shar. I don't know what her whole name is, so look up Dr. Shar's Swan Shoppe, and then go from there," Quinn said. "Yes Quinn," the computer said.

Quinn sat down at a terminal and began scrolling through the data on human beauty standards, both in the past and in the present. "Interesting. If I become attractive by their standards, I can definitely gain some kind of hold or sway over the other students; however, if I become too attractive, I may draw unwanted attention from people outside of the school environment," Quinn said to herself.

"I need to become attractive, but not too attractive. Perhaps a holographic disguise would be better suited from now on? No, that might falter in public at some point," Quinn said dismissively before she resumed reading.

Date: Wednesday, November 5th, 2097

"Computer, program the robot parents to make a phone call to the school," Quinn ordered. "A phone call?" the computer asked her. "Yes. I am going to be absent from school today due to... being sick from eating something that, uh, wasn't cooked properly," Quinn responded. "Understood," the computer said.

"Meanwhile, I am going to be visiting this Doctor Shar," Quinn said with a smirk. "I hope that the information gleaned from last night will come in handy," she added as she donned a disguise that included curly brown hair, eye-glasses, and a frumpy dress with combat boots. "GIR!" she called out. GIR exited an elevator a minute later and waltzed into the living room.

"GIR, I shall require your presence today! We are going to visit Dr. Shar's Swan Shoppe!" Quinn announced. "Yaaaaaaaayyyy!" GIR cried excitedly as he threw his hands into the air. "We goin' on a field trip! Yahoo!" "Yes, a field trip," Quinn said as she rolled her eyes. "Be sure to gather some monies from the replicator. According to the research I've conducted, some of the transports on this miserable planet require a fee for usage," Quinn said.

"Now, for you, GIR, we shall be using a different disguise than what you normally wear," Quinn said. "Computer, let us begin preparing a new disguise for GIR!" Quinn announced as she dragged GIR down into the base. "But I just came up!" GIR said as they descended.

Stacey looked around the classroom, noticing that Quinn was absent. She heard Miss Bitters talking on the phone. "Sure, whatever," Miss Bitters said before hanging up. "Well, it seems that we'll be one student short today," Miss Bitters said. Most students in the room were still half-asleep, and most of them didn't really care. "Is it someone popular?" Sandi asked.

"Is Quinn popular?" Miss Bitters asked Sandi. "No," Sandi replied. "Then there's your answer," Miss Bitters said.

"Welcome to the Rx Plex. Be sure to check out our pharmacy for discounts on various pills and refurbished syringes!" Quinn looked around the multi-level building. It was very much laid out like the Millennium Mall, although every tenant of the building was medical in nature and practice. Quinn looked down at GIR, who was dressed up as a black-haired preteen girl with a purple jacket and purple mittens.

"Now, pay attention, GIR," Quinn said. "I need you to memorize the names and layout of these places for future visits," Quinn told the robot. "Okie Dokie!" GIR exclaimed as they walked into Dr. Shar's Swan Shoppe.

"Welcome to Dr. Shar's Swan Shoppe! Here, you can find out if facial reconstruction and other surgeries are enough to make you complete! Also, we also sell bags of sucked-out fat to various companies, such as Space Monkey Soap, LLC!" Hmm, that gives me an idea... taking human waste out of their bodies and putting into their food. Yes, that would definitely cripple the humans, Quinn thought to herself.

She looked over at the TV in the waiting room and saw an advertisement. "We all know about the terrible atrocities caused by America's lust for veal, but here's something nice you can do for calves: calf implants!" "No... just no. I mean, how do calf implants help those baby cows at all if it's going into a human?" Quinn heard a blonde girl mutter in dismay.

Quinn rolled her eyes as she walked up to the receptionist. "Hello, I am here with my younger sister to see Doctor Shar. As you can see, she is in dire need of help for her self-image," Quinn said. "Hmm, she looks okay to me," the receptionist said. "You, on the other hand... you really need some help."

"What!? You dare say that the mighty Quinn requires help for her own appearance!? Pitiful reception worm!" Quinn retorted. "Clearly, you've become aggressively defensive because of this. There may still be time to help you. I'll see if Doctor Shar can see you," the receptionist said. "Hey, what about my girlfriend!?" asked a man in line.

"She's supposed to be getting a bigger rack! What about-oh, emergency. I understand," he said as he backed away from Quinn as she walked through a door that had opened up. "Everyone in this building is an imbecile," Quinn muttered under her breath as she marched through the door and down a corridor with GIR.

Adorning the walls were various before and after shots of people who had received surgery from Dr. Shar. Quinn shuddered at some of them. "Wait... that picture just shows someone sucking in their gut!" Quinn exclaimed as she looked at one particular image before continuing her trek to Dr. Shar's office.

"Here we are," Quinn said as they finally arrived in front of the door to the office. Quinn pressed the green button for the doorbell and waited as the door slid open. "Please, have a seat," said a voice from behind a chair. Quinn raised an eyebrow and hesitantly stepped into the office, carefully sitting down in a chair in front of Dr. Shar's desk. GIR did the same.

The chair soon turned around to reveal Dr. Shar, a blonde woman who had apparently gone through more than a few of her own surgeries if her face was any indication. So that's why her face is never seen in any of her advertisements, Quinn thought as she looked at Shar's face. "Um, hello. I am Quinn Vanderi. I am here with my little sister to see about improving her self-image through your... services," Quinn lied.

"Hmm, yes, well, what about yourself?" Dr. Shar asked her. "You as well? Why do you think I could possibly benefit from your surgeries?" Quinn asked her. "Well, clearly, a skin graft could help you tremendously," Shar replied. "It's a skin condition. It can't be helped," Quinn retorted.

"Oh, nonsense! Here, let me show you what our surgery can do," Shar said as she began typing commands into her computer. "And... there we go!" she said as she rotated the monitor to show Quinn an image of herself with red hair and Caucasian skin.

(Basically, the computer image is human Quinn from the original Daria series)

"Eww," Quinn shuddered. "And you really could use a larger set of breasts. Those tiny things will never attract a man," Shar said, pointing to Quinn's A-cup chest. "Touch me, and I'll kill you," Quinn said with narrowed eyes and a frown. "Definitely a self-image problem," Shar said before she turned her attention to GIR.

"So, tell me, um... what's your name?" "I is GIR!" GIR replied happily. "Yes. Well, Gir, could you perhaps tell me why you want surgical reconstruction, and what kind?" Shar asked the robot. "Well, I guess I want to look better when I hold nachos, and it'll make the pizza delivery guy give me more pizza," Gir said. "Uh... pizza? The grease would be terrible for your complexion," Shar said.

"But I likes pizza," GIR replied. "Yes... many people do," Shar said. "Well, how about we wait for you to grow out a bit more. Operating on someone too early can really mess up their body later, although... if you have five thousand dollars, I can schedule an appointment for three years from now without any interest being added," Shar said.

"Let's cut to the chase," Quinn said. "Dr. Shar, I wish to be the prettiest person in school, but I do not wish to change myself. If possible, would you be willing to perform surgery on my schoolmates to make them less attractive than me?" Quinn asked her. Shar blinked in surprise at the request.

"Excuse me? My surgery doesn't make people look unattractive. It makes them better," Shar snapped. "No, it doesn't. Your surgeries are abominations. Like when that Brooke girl's nose collapsed! Although, that was kind of funny," Quinn said. "How dare you! Everything I do is to make people fell better by making them look better!" Shar said in outrage.

"Heh-heh, I believe that Brooke would beg to differ," Quinn said with an evil smirk. "You... your condition has obviously made you so defensive that you can't help but want to take everyone else down. It's so obvious," Shar said after composing herself. "Okay, so this plan isn't going to work," Quinn said. "Plan? Oh my... were you trying to get free surgery by making me think that you needed it this desperately?" Shar asked her.

"Say what?" Quinn asked her in surprise. "Young lady, I'll have you know that despite my desire to make people better, I still expect a fee for my services! No matter how much you may need my help, I simply will not offer it without being paid," Shar said. Quinn raised an eyebrow at the woman's words.

"I think I get what's going on. Everything that you've said has been to make me feel as though I'm angry because I somehow need your services for myself. I'm afraid that you are sorely mistaken, Dr. Shar. Indeed, soon, it will be you who needs help," Quinn said. "I don't need any help," said Shar. "You're the one who needs help. Look at you! You have ugly green skin, a face that needs better lips, a small bust, and who knows how many other problems. The only way for you to truly become attractive is to make yourself into a new person," Shar said.

"And I can help you do that," Shar added with a smile. "Is this how you treat every patient? Making them feel so terrible about their own bodies that they need your help? Ruthless and brilliant, but your fatal mistake was attempting to use it on someone such as me. Now, let me show you the price of your stupidity!" Quinn spat in disgust. Shar began to scoot her chair away in shock as four mechanical legs sprouted out of the backpack on Quinn. "Now, how about we try a little surgery of our own?" Quinn asked her with a sadistic grin. Shar's eyes widened and she screamed in terror as Quinn lunged for her.

At Lawndale High School...

Miss Bitters walked into the teacher's lounge quietly. Mr. DeMartino had a scowl on his face as he muttered something under his breath about one of his students. Principal Li was busy talking to Mrs. Bennett about budget problems. Miss Bitters had no doubt in her mind that Angela Li was the cause of the budget problems, as she had noticed ever since the woman had become the school's principal.

The school didn't always have budget problems, but after Angela Li's appointing as the principal, the security measures that she began installing had taken their toll on the budget and the staff, although Bitters was indifferent to most of it. In her own opinion, and that of many of the other teachers, just having the kids take one class per year with Miss Bitters would be enough to keep them in line.

"Oh, hello, Miss Bitters," Timothy O'Neill said. "Hello... Timothy," Bitters said as she grabbed some coffee from the lounge table. "Um, I was wondering, perhaps, if I could talk you into helping out with the Esteem-A-Teen project? You see-" "Grr!" Miss Bitters turned around and growled at him. Timothy shrank under her glare and slowly backed away.

Later That Afternoon...

"Welcome home, son!" Robo-Dad said as Quinn and GIR walked in the door. "Hmm, I still need to fix that," Quinn said to herself as she walked away from Robo-Dad. "Computer, I want you to pay attention to the various news broadcasting networks and frequencies today. I believe my handiwork will make itself known soon enough," Quinn said as she and GIR descended into the base.

After reaching her lab, she made her way over to the tube containing Tommy Sherman. "So, how are you feeling right now?" Quinn asked him. "I'm so happy!" Tommy said with a pained smile. "I'm happy... all the time... it's great!" Sherman said. "Okay, maybe I went a bit overboard. Eh, I don't really care right now. I'll fix it later," Quinn said after walking away from Sherman's tube.

"So, Quinn was sick today," Stacey said as she walked home with Andrea. Daria had elected to walk home with Jane, since she had no desire to listen to Stacey rambling about what kind of evil schemes she thought Quinn could be up to. "Uh-huh," Andrea said. "I'll bet that she's planning something. Something... horrible!" Stacey said.

"Look, Stacey, I know that we're friends and all, but it would be nice to talk about something or someone other than Quinn," Andrea said as they reached the front door. "But Quinn's trying to destroy or enslave mankind!" Stacey replied. "All she's done so far is steal organs and shut down a mall. I mean, those things are pretty bad on their own, but for someone who's trying to take over a planet, shutting down a mall is the only thing that comes close to actually affecting more than a handful of people. It's like the tiniest baby step," Andrea said.

"But what about the fundraiser? How did she manage to get all those people to buy that much candy?" Stacey asked as they walked into the kitchen. "She had to have brainwashed them somehow!" Stacey exclaimed. "Or they had really shitty taste in food," Andrea said.

"Seriously, my dad only bought some from me because he knew that it was mandatory for me to take part in it. Otherwise, he didn't eat any," Andrea said. "And anyway if Quinn has the ability to brainwash people, why hasn't she tried it on members of our government?" Andrea asked her. "I mean, if she really wanted to take over the Earth, she would use that brainwashing stuff, or whatever she used, on our government and be done with it," Andrea said.

"So, what? You're saying that she's just taking her time?" Stacey asked her. "Actually, I was suggesting that maybe she's just incompetent," Andrea replied. "No way. There's no way that someone incompetent could shut down the Millennium Mall or steal organs as efficiently as she did," Stacey retorted. "If you say so," Andrea said with a sigh as Stacey handed her a soda before they both walked into the living room and sat down.

Stacey turned on the TV. "-is how Snuggles the genetically engineered kitten saved a bus full of children from drowning at the zoo!" "Um... when did this happen?" Andrea asked curiously. "Also, in local news, about an hour ago, the Rx Plex faced a crisis today when its lead liposuction expert, Dr. Shar, was found inside her office, suffering from a botched reconstruction surgery."

"Wait, isn't that the lady who did Brooke's nose?" Stacey asked. "Who?" Andrea asked her curiously. "Some girl in the Fashion Club at school," Stacey replied. "Oh," Andrea said in response before she returned her attention to the TV. "Apparently, her botched surgery was so horrific that her staff have closed down the Swan Shoppe for at least a month or more. Initially, the staff of the swan Shoppe wanted the entire Rx Plex shut down, but the other tenants, such as Tom's Rhinoplasty, have refused the request."

"So, my mission didn't go exactly as planned, but I did manage to hack into the database of the Rx Plex and steal information regarding its affiliates and finances," Quinn said. "Uh-huh," Tallest Red said. "So, it wasn't a total loss. Can you believe that these humans value such insignificant things as hair color and eyes over something truly important like height or physical strength?" Quinn asked in disbelief.

"Well, that is strange. But, seriously, how could a race that can get that tall be so dumb?" Purple asked. "The humans have many different heights, my Tallest. And although they are sent to educational facilities for at least the first two decades of their lives, it seems that the majority of them do not pay attention to what their instructors try to teach them. Not that many of their instructors are worth such respect in the first place, but the point still stands," Quinn said.

"Well... I guess... use the information you find for... I dunno, something useful," Red said to her. "Of course. Invader Quinn, signing off!"

Ending Theme: Standing On My Neck, by Splendora