PICKING UP THE PIECES
Maddison fic. Thanks to Sparklepop777 for the title. Addison tries to set up a new life for herself but there is one man she really misses. Mark heads over and he is in for a huge surprise.
Author: Emily
Rating: T
Summary: Addison leaves Seattle, and no one knows where she has gone. Mark sets out to find her, and eventually he does. They start a new relationship, but can their love hold out through everything they will go through?
Here's chapter ten (Yay double figures) and the song is Undiscovered by James Morrison. Back to Addie's POV and to angst and drama in Chicago. And boy, does she have a BIG problem…
Chapter Ten – Undiscovered (Addison's POV)
I lifted myself out of bed, easing my head over the pillows and dragging myself to a sitting position. I couldn't even remember how many vodkas I'd had to drink last night. I had a vague memory of Tammy and Frankie helping me into my apartment and – shit! I was still sleeping in my clothes. Slowly I swung my legs round and stood on two feet, shakily. Oh dear God, this was not good. My head was pounding and spinning and I barely reached the bathroom in time to throw up the entire week's meals into the toilet bowl. I was never going to drink again.
The devil on my shoulder laughed.
I look at you
You bite your tongue
You don't know why or where I'm coming from
When I arrived at work I noticed Kayleigh wasn't looking much better. She smiled at me weakly as we walked into the cafeteria. It was early, but these past weeks since… since Mark, Kayleigh and Tammy and I had been eating breakfast together in the hospital café. Tammy was furiously single, and Kayleigh had recently broken up with her boyfriend. We decided to call ourselves 'The Men Hating Club' and breakfast became our time of daily meeting. It was strangely reminiscent of Mark and Meredith and their little 'Dirty Mistresses' conversations, but they were two people I didn't like to think about too often. Meredith, because, well, of everything, and Mark because he wasn't who I thought he was.
Though as every day past I began to doubt my conviction that Mark was an ass. I began to doubt that he was really cheating. And I began to hate myself for not trusting him. But then I talked to my fellow men haters and found that there was no logical explanation for the phone call. At all.
But in my head
I'm close to you
And in the rain still searching for the sun
I slid into a seat beside Tammy. She'd already got Kayleigh and I coffee, and I put my hands around the paper cup, trying to warm them. I'd always had cold hands. Just a funny little thing about my anatomy. I tucked into my grapefruit half as Kayleigh and Tammy gorged out on cooked breakfast.
"Really, Addie, you're single now. Stop with the diet." Kayleigh said, shoving bacon into her mouth. I smiled back at them demurely.
"Ladies, just because I am a social reject who can't keep any man, doesn't mean I have to wind up looking like one."
That shut them up. I finished the grapefruit and took a sip of my coffee. Which I spat out.
"This is disgusting!" I moaned, "Yuck! Tammy, did you order me extra strong again."
Tammy shook her head innocently. "No, I ordered us all the same. The usual."
"This is screwed coffee. Taste it." I shoved it under Tammy's nose. She took a sip. And looked at me strangely.
"That's normal coffee, Ads." She said quietly.
"Must be the hangover." I grumbled, "Makes everything taste like crap."
Though the grapefruit tasted fine.
You think that I wanna run and hide
I keep it all locked up inside
I just want you to find me
I did another C section that morning and then I checked in on Mrs Evans, who was still in due to complications with the pregnancy, and her three preemies in the incubators down in the NICU. Then I got myself a drink – no more of that disgusting coffee – and went and sat in the hospital garden, on one of the benches. Vicki Brown, one of Dr Gold's interns, came and sat down next to me.
"Dr Montgomery?" she said meekly, "Can I ask you something?"
"Sure." I said, not even looking at the girl God, my head hurt.
"When did you know you wanted to go into neonatal?"
They were nearing the end of their internship. I guessed they would be looking for specialities, but they were all bright and high flying kids. I guessed they'd go for neuro, cardiothoracic and spinal, stuff like that. As everyone did, I'd forgotten about quiet Vicki. She was smart, but she was shy, and the type you only noticed if she was actually speaking to you.
"When I was half way through my first year of residency. I was helping the cardiothoracic guy out and he was doing a heart op on a pregnant woman. When she flat-lined, the baby had to come out. But the neonatal was up to her elbows in someone's uterus. So whilst the cardiothoracic guy had to race off to do some other cardio thing, he asked me to do the C section. It was chilling, if I'm honest, cutting a baby out of a dead person. And by that time the baby had already crashed and I had to resuscitate. But when I held that little baby in my arms after three weeks of NICU incubators, I knew that I wanted to save babies. Guess that's kinda corny. But after that I knew what I wanted to do."
She smiled lightly. "This morning, my sister called me from Tennessee. She had a baby last year, but it died because she gave birth in the middle of Africa, and the baby had a heart condition. And now she tells me she's pregnant again. And that she wants to come to a hospital at home this time to have it, and could she come here? So I said of course and she's been booked in and she's gonna come stay with me from 7 months on. But I want to be able to save babies like her first one. Like my nephew. I want to do that."
I looked at her, for the first time really looking. Then I smiled.
"I'll be proud to take you on, Dr Brown." I said, "Neonatal could do with another resident."
"My…my dad says neonatal is a soft option. He's a neurosurgeon. So was Mom."
"There is nothing soft about saving life at the beginning of it. More babies die than adult patients, you know. My ex-husband thought neonatal was soft, too. And then I forced him to eat his words when one of his patients went into labour on his table and I had to give her a C section whilst he did a craniotomy. And when the baby died, that's when he knew that I wasn't soft."
She grinned.
I'm not lost
I'm not lost
Just undiscovered
I slid into my seat beside Dr Frankie Rogers, the orthopaedic attending, and smiled.
"Guess who has a new resident in their department!" I laughed. Frankie and Tammy looked at me incredulously.
"But everyone knows interns never want to do neonatal." Tammy whined, and I grinned at her.
"This one does. Vicki Brown."
"I know. I hoped she would do ortho. The rest are doing neuro, cardio and all that, aren't they?"
"Yep." I said, a wide smile still splitting my face, "I obviously just inspire the interns more than you lot do."
They groaned at me.
"Addie's got her smile back, I see." Kayleigh said, sliding into the seat next to Tammy. I grinned to show it to them.
But it almost hurt. Smiling, that is. Because I thought of Mark, and what had happened, and most of all the pain in his eyes as I shouted those things. Things I didn't mean. It wasn't about the sex, and the fact that he was there when I was lonely wasn't it at all. I'd only said one true thing that night. That I was falling for him. Because I was.
And when we're alone
We're all the same as each other
You see the look that's on my face
You might think that I'm out of place
That night I stayed in, watched Oprah and obsessed over everything, and nothing. I got the trusty Chunky Monkey out of the freezer and ordered a pizza. The ice cream was great, but I took one bite of the grease covered pizza and retched. And then I suddenly realised that the one thing I wanted most in the world was prawn toasts from the Chinese. So I ordered a Chinese too, and got through two bags of prawn toasts. Then, feeling sufficiently full, and slightly fatter than the night before, I dragged myself up to bed.
I'm not lost
No no
Just undiscovered
I decided, as I woke up, that I loved Sundays. No work. And then I remembered. I had still agreed to meet Kayleigh and Tammy for breakfast, only in Starbucks, and this time we were going for a spot of Man Hating Retail Therapy – in other words buying clothes that made us look hot, just to piss the men off. Though the men we were referring to would probably never see us again, that didn't matter. We were going to buy clothes and shoes and make up and hair dye and things like that, and celebrate the hatred of the opposite sex as we did so.
The thought of never seeing Mark again made my throat dry up. Even when I had left for Seattle, even when I had left to come here, there had been the tiny little thought in the back of my mind that one day I would see Mark Sloane again. But what happened if this time, it was really over. What happened if I really never laid eyes on Mark ever again?
It didn't bear thinking about.
Well the time it takes
To know someone
It all can change
Before you know it's gone
Before it's gone
At Starbucks, Tammy was sat by herself. Kayleigh was late, as usual. There was a coffee waiting for me on the table.
"No thanks." I said, "Not after that crap I drank yesterday. Me, I'm drinking hot chocolate from now on."
And I ordered one and had it brought to the table. Tammy started talking about something; I wasn't even listening, because from the first sip of cocoa, my stomach heaved. My head spun. I got up, without a word to Tammy and dashed from the table. I reached the toilet, but I wasn't in time to get into the cubicle. I threw up in the sink. Once. Twice. And then three times, until there was nothing more to throw up, and I was just dry retching. I felt like shit.
"Addie, are you pregnant?" Tammy asked from the doorway.
So close your eyes
And feel the way I'm with you now
Believe there's nothing wrong
Nothing wrong
I turned to look at my friend.
"I… I…" But I couldn't talk. How could I have been so stupid? Anyone could have read the signs. The coffee, the cravings for Chinese food, the sickness. But it was impossible.
"I'm on the Pill." I said weakly, but I was the one that spent my whole life telling teenage girls that the Pill was not a 100 percent method of contraception. I looked into Tammy's eyes. "How did this happen?" I said.
"You're the OB/GYN." She said, but she still looked slightly blank and shocked. Shakily, I stepped back from the bowl and turned the tap on to wash the sick away.
"What the fuck am I gonna do, Tam?"
You think that I wanna run and hide
I keep it all locked up inside
But I just want you to find me
Tammy rung Kayleigh, and told her to wait for us at Tammy's apartment. I went back to mine and Tammy went to the corner shop, coming back with a bag laden with goodies – chocolate, trashy magazines, a half price box set of some really old sitcom and a pregnancy test. Which I did, dutifully. We sat on the sofa in the lounge, leaving the test in the bathroom, for the ten minutes waiting time. I had to ask her.
"Did you ever do one of these?" I said, and Tammy nodded.
"Twice. First time, it was positive."
"What?" I spluttered.
"If I tell you, promise me you won't think any less of me."
"Promise."
"I was seventeen years old. I got knocked up by some guy at some party and I didn't even know his name. I got pregnant and I got scared. I had an abortion without even thinking. I beat myself up about it still, now. Can you try and understand?"
Oh, Tammy. How could that make me think any less of you?
I'm not lost
I'm not lost
Just undiscovered
"I had an abortion. Just over a year ago. After Derek left, I got pregnant with Mark. And I panicked and I had an abortion. So don't ask me to try and understand, Tam. I was worse than you. I was older, and more responsible. I was the OB/GYN. I…"
And she held me to her and rocked me whilst I cried. When I dried up my tears, I looked at her.
"The other time?"
"I was with Paul, my ex, for three years. And we wanted kids really badly. But this time, I wasn't pregnant. When I wanted to be, I wasn't. And then he left me."
"Oh, Tam. We're screwed up, aren't we?"
She didn't say anything, just walked into the bathroom and picked up the test.
"You're more screwed." She said, and put the test down in front of me. The clear blue plus sign spelt it out.
And when we're alone
We're all the same as each other
Tammy drove me back to hers in a trance. Kayleigh was waiting, looking bewildered as to what the hell had happened to us. I said nothing, just sat on the sofa as Tammy told Kayleigh everything. I couldn't talk. After everything, after last time and after Mark leaving, I was back to square one. Lonely, pregnant Addison. Just like before.
But one thing was different. Of course I was going to keep it.
You see the look that's on my face
You might think that I'm out of place
I'm not lost
No no
Just undiscovered
We didn't go shopping. We sat in Tammy's flat, and Tammy and Kayleigh fussed over me. Kayleigh went down the shop and bought me cream soda – because that was the only thing I could face drinking – and salad leaves. I made myself a huge salad in Tammy's kitchen and then I ate it. Then, finally, Kayleigh and Tammy decided I was going insane and sat me down around Tammy's breakfast bar.
"Addie, you're freaking out."
"I said, I don't want to talk about it right now."
"Well you have to talk about it. It's a baby, and it's inside you. You can't ignore it."
I wasn't planning on ignoring it. Just not thinking about it.
"Addie, first things first. You're not going to have an abortion, are you?" Kayleigh asked. I didn't feel like telling her about my previous one.
"No." I said, "No."
"Do you want to keep the baby or are you gonna have it put up for adoption?"
"I'm gonna keep it. It's my baby."
It didn't matter that it was Mark's baby too. Just that it was my baby and I was going to love it forever.
I'm not running
I'm not hiding
If you dig a little deeper you will find me
"I guess – I guess Mark Sloan is the father?" Tammy said. I nodded miserably.
"And he's gone."
There was a silence for a moment. Kayleigh and Tammy looked at each other. Then they looked at me.
"You need to tell him, Ads." Tammy said quietly but I shook my head.
I would not swallow my pride and tell Mark Sloan that I was having his baby. I didn't need him. Me and this baby didn't need anyone.
"Addie…"
"Shut up!" I said, "I can do what I like as far as Mark Sloan is concerned, you hear me? You don't know him. You don't know what happened, and what's happened before. I'm not the same Addison to him that I am to you. It's too complicated."
Tears were streaming down my face. Hormones, I told myself, but I couldn't control anything. I ran out of the apartment, slamming the door behind me.
I'm not lost
Not lost
Undiscovered
I sat in my cold and lonely apartment, staring down at the test. Fucking test. Messed up my life.
I picked up my cell phone and scrolled down in the phone book to Mark's number. And by accident pressed the down key one too many times. And then I had an idea. I pressed call, and waited for four rings before the phone picked up. I'd got all the Seattle numbers off Mark before he'd left.
"Hello?" came such a friendly, familiar voice I wanted to cry.
Oh, wait, I was already crying.
When we're alone
We're all the same as each other
No we're the same
"Miranda, it's Addison."
There was silence at the other end for a moment, and then I heard someone's voice in the background.
"What is it?" I knew that voice. It was Izzie Stevens.
"Miranda, don't tell her it's me. Just excuse yourself. I need to talk to you. Now."
"OK, hang on." She said. Her voice still sounded slightly shocked. "Stevens, we'll continue this meeting later. I need to take this call."
I heard the intern say, "Sure." And then I heard a door slam.
"Where the hell have you been, Addison?"
"Chicago. I thought Mark told Derek."
"Oh, Shepherd said that Sloan was with you. He just didn't say where."
I said nothing. Sloan wasn't with me anymore.
"Mark left, Miranda."
"I'm not surprised, Addison. The guy's an ass. You know that."
And I told her everything.
See the look that's on my face
You might think that I'm out of place
I'm not lost
No no
Undiscovered
"Sounds like definite cheating to me." She said dryly, "Anyway, you're better off without him."
Tammy and Kayleigh said that a lot. But I couldn't see it myself.
"Miranda – that's not why I called."
"Why did you call then, Addison? And make it quick. I have to give the rest of my interns interviews about their choice of residencies."
"I'm pregnant."
Then another silence.
"Miranda. Say something."
"Shit."
"Not that. Something, but not that."
"As of when?"
"I found out earlier today. I've been on the Pill, it should have been impossible, but for some stupid reason it happened."
"Sloan?"
"Yes." I winced. Then my friend used some colourful language to describe Mark.
Not lost
Not lost
Undiscovered
Don't you know that's what we are?
"Miranda, it's just as much my fault as his. Tammy says I should call him."
She said nothing. Then, "You should. He deserves to know. Bastard."
"I miss him."
"Get over him, Addison. There's no other way. He was never going to be your wedding ring and your white picket fence."
I scoffed. "No. Derek was."
"Ok, bad choice of words. But, seriously, Addison. Are you keeping the baby?"
"Of course."
"I'm glad. You'll make a great Mom."
"I doubt that. But thanks, anyway."
"Do you want me to come out? Do you want to come back to Seattle?"
"No. To both. Sorry, Miranda, but I have a great job, and I don't want to ruin it. Not now."
We're alone
All the same as each other
We know we're the same
"Do I have to tell him?"
"If you ever want him to be a part of your baby's life."
"What if I don't?"
"I thought you missed him."
"I do, but I can't see him staying. He likes to wander. We have… passion… and he says he loves me, but I don't know, Miranda. I don't know if he would be the father I want for my baby. I don't know if Mark and me could do families. I just don't know."
"Well, I'm damned if I do. Do what you think is best."
"It would ruin his life. I won't tell him. Until it is born."
She didn't say anything for a moment. "If that's what you think is best."
"I do." I said firmly. Mark Sloan made me someone who I didn't want to be. Mark Sloan made me someone who couldn't be a Mom. Mark Sloan made me someone who couldn't even think.
See the look that's on my face
You might think I'm out of place
I'm not lost no
Just undiscovered.
"Are you sure you don't need me, Addison?"
"Sure. I'm fine."
"Congratulations."
"Thanks. I'll call you."
"You'd better."
"Thank you, Miranda. I needed that chat."
"That's ok. Do I tell anyone else?"
I panicked. I did not want Seattle's Merediths and Meredith herself talking about poor Addison who got knocked up by McSteamy and then he left. "No. Not yet. It's too early. And I don't want Derek to know. He'll call Mark."
"All right. Bye, Addison."
"Bye, Miranda."
I hung up.
And next chapter I promise you some Maddison.
Only if you review. Lol.