Disclaimer: Do I have to remind you? If so, check the millions of times I'm forced to remember I in-fact.. own.. nothing. Nada. Zip. ZERO. (goes off and cries)
AN: I apologize greatly for the past 2 odd months I have been, well, I kinda did disappear. Sorry about that. I am back though, and slightly smarter I hope.. since I wrote out-lines for chapters ahead of time rather trying to come up with it on the spot. Which is not so fun.
I think this chapter is horrible since I am not really in the swing of it yet, the break I took was from all of my fanfic writing. So excuse the rustiness of it. ;)
Thank you, each person that took the time to review and tell me their thoughts etc. I love ya'll for being so encouraging with this fic. You all are my inspiration and keep me going. I only read over this twice, once at an early hour of the morning. The other, only quick read through. Sorry if there are any errors here and there.
Read and Review. Makes me happier than you will ever know.
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...Let's start over.
I'll try to do it right this time around.
It's not over.
'Cause a part of me is dead and in the ground.
This love is killing me,
But you're the only one.
It's not over.
Taken all I could take,
And I cannot wait.
We're wasting too much time
Being strong, holding on.
Can't let it bring us down.
My life with you means everything,
So I won't give up that easily.
I'll blow it away, blow it away.
Can we make this something good?
'Cause it's all misunderstood.
Well, I'll try to do it right this time around.
Let's start over.
I'll try to do it right this time around.
It's not over.
'Cause a part of me is dead and in the ground.
This love is killing me,
But you're the only one.
It's not over.
We can't let this get away.
Let it out, let it out.
Don't get caught up in yourself.
Let it out.
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There's No Going Back
Chapter 10
"The Need to Understand."
It had taken a few seconds for Danny's brain to register the fact Lindsay had kissed him. Before the shock of it actually did and he pulled back... his mouth opened to say something, anything.. what? Well, he figured he could figure that out later - right now. His brain felt sea-sick. If that made any sense, he felt his mind try and grasp onto what had just happened. Lindsay however did know what had just happened.. even if it had been her own impulse decision. But it may have been just that, didn't mean that it didn't confuse her, or more so... scare her. She had made a leap just then; a leap with her heart, and possibly her trust. Glancing up at him she lowered her hands from his chest slowly, letting her fingers trail on the fabric of his shirt before her hands dropped to her sides. Tucking the tear dried hair behind her ears she quietly padded out of the room, right now, no good would come from emotional in-depth and serious talks.. 'I think that's enough talk for now.' was the thought she had as she pulled the covers over herself once in bed.
Danny was left standing in the dark room. Instead of Lindsay doing it. Now he found the appeal to it; it was quiet, peaceful, and something about the fact it was Megan's room made it calming. The soft sound of the rain that was trickling down the windows helped in separating him from reality even if for such a short moment. Blinking back the tiredness he felt he gripped his hands onto the windowsill, unclenching them when the knuckles had turned a white color. Just when he thought he had figured everything out... it all got turned upside down and again, he was lost. And all it took was Lindsay. One sentence, one look.. in this case.. one kiss... but it wasn't so much the kiss. It was what the kiss had been a reaction to. Can you love me? he had asked her... then next thing he knew she had kissed him. So either, it was a heat of the moment thing, which he knew it wasn't because of the urgency to it and because of the whole week he had spent with her then the emotional roller-coaster he had been on with her since she woke up - he knew she wouldn't reach out to him like that. No. So that only left one other option.
Rolling his neck he frowned at the cracking noise it gave. He leant back on the nearest wall and through the dark saw a clock sitting on the wall. He knew that if he kept thinking about everything and now just the last ten minutes, it was like he kept fast-forwarding then rewinding then pausing it. He would only overdo it. And the last thing he needed after that. Was to think more of it until he knew just exactly it was to begin with. And that meant what Lindsay had meant by doing it.
That could wait. His problems and his questions were not as important as the fact she had let him in, even if it was just that smallest hint of hope. She was important, and getting her back to being Lindsay. That was what he wanted, and all he was going to think about. Because if she didn't make it, then he wouldn't... and they both needed to stay sane and hold together, otherwise helping Megan would be near impossible. And not just literally, but emotionally. They were her parents... They were her support. With her there or not.
Closing his eyes for just a moment he let his mind drift back into the past. Going over all the times he had thought he had everything figured out. He was sure that he was a ladies man; Lindsay proved otherwise. He was sure his past would always haunt him; helping Lindsay move on from hers changed that. He was sure that for as long as he lived, no one would own him or have an hold of control over him - after a year being around his partner.. when he began to realize that fact, he willingly wanted her to control him.. gave up all his control, he wanted to be owned.. if it meant he was hers, then his ego could bide. For her, he would have done anything. He still would. If she let him. He even was sure that he would never, ever hurt her in any way. Well that nightmare turned out to be true. He did hurt her. More than he probably knew... but was she that much of a strong person, to start forgiving him, or at least move on from it?
"Christ," he muttered under his breath. Lindsay was such a strong person, she was so much better than him. She had let him in inch by inch... he suddenly was overwhelmed by everything, what he had done, what he had missed out on, lost the chance to have. He could have had a family. His family. His family with Lindsay. He didn't disprove him, and he didn't think that out of self-pity, he thought it because it was so true it had haunted him for the years he had tried and failed to live without her. She moved on or made the best of what she had left, and here he was coming into her life.. and expecting her to just let him in all over again.. so what? He could do it all over again. How stupid was he, she wouldn't let him in, anywhere near her heart. Not again. So where did he go from here. Would there be any going forward with whatever they had. Or would it be a constant battle that in the end.. he would lose. Because... he didn't have-- they didn't have love.
Did they?
They weren't in love, he thought leaning his head onto the cool glass of the window. He let his breath fog on the window as he felt his stomach knot. He needed to know. He wanted to know. This time. If it went wrong. God. He didn't want to think of how bad it would be the second time. He knew what he had been like, the team's; his family's so to speak comments and concerned looks at him didn't go unnoticed. He knew. Point was that he didn't care. And that was what made it worse.
If she didn't love him. But then. She was the one that kissed him. All through the last week or so, even the last hellish years without her.. even thinking about kissing her was.. well he just never did. He didn't think of anything like that. The day she told him to get out of their apartment... he resigned to the fact he could never think of her in that way again. He didn't have the right. Even after telling his mother about what happened; obviously she had threatened to beat it out of him after the first month of his depression; his love for a girl had drove him into depression, but it hadn't been just any girl. It was his Montana. The country girl he got kicks out of making her blush, just bringing her coffee so she would smile at him.. the Montana smile that would make him melt.. His Montana that finally came undone and let go, telling him all about her past.. she cried and cried until she was de-hydrated and lying in his arms the whole night as he held her, quietly whispering soothing words... his Montana that was there for him when Louie was stupid enough to get caught up in Tanglewood again, after he escaped from it, only escaping death thanks to a coma they put him it. Getting shot was what he had got for his stupidity. His Montana stood by him at the funeral. Later that night letting him kiss her until their lips went numb, giving him that outlet... so he could forget about it and just lose himself in her.
His Montana that would giggle every-time he would drawl out a good-morning in the break-room with a fake country accent. And every-time she would shake her head and tell him he was a dork. In which, without fail - he would reply that he was a cute dork, her dork. Of course someone would interrupt, Hawkes with a chuckle, Stella smirking knowingly (She seemed to always know something. Even if they didn't) Mac with his 'You're doing the opposite of not keeping this in the lab. But I'll pretend I didn't see anything' look, and sometimes.. the times Danny would indeed go bright pink if ever he would.. Flack would walk in and comment on how 'whipped' he was. Then, as became tradition after a few months.. Danny would get back with a 'Shut-up Man.' Followed by a long debate from Flack and Messer... until Stella dragged both their asses back to work. All the while Lindsay just sitting with her coffee as if she hadn't even noticed, the only sign a smirk playing at the corners of her mouth.
His Montana that caused him to stand on Brooklyn Bridge the night he left the apartment and stare out at the New York skyline and give himself time to let the shock wear off and let the tears out, not because of what had happened.. but because of what the consequences of what had happened, the consequences of what he had done, ending up breaking his Montana... the consequences that caused him to lose her.. making the country girl he fell in love with, the only girl he had ever saw spending his life with, no longer his.
And now. Well now. All of what he thought... then... all of what he knew and was sure on. He wasn't now. He wasn't sure if this was a clean slate.. was Lindsay being in that accident and waking up from the coma a second chance for them? Or for her.. was he nothing to do with it... now instead of the constant guilt.. instead of the nagging feeling she hated him, or didn't like him let alone love him. That was replaced with confusion, much like the one he had all along.. except it wasn't about the situations or what he was going to do around her or being here, or Megan. It was about... loving her. He loved her. Well he already figured that out in the beginning, took some days of staring at her in the lab and wishing she would look up and smile at him to figure that out.
No, this time.. it was if he could actually love her.. loving her.. being able to. He was waiting on her. Waiting on her to say something, just let him know where they stood. And until then. He needed to stop. Stop thinking. Stop worrying. Stop getting frustrated with himself, feeling guilty, and most of all. He had to stop thinking about the past. If he didn't move on from it. Then how was she going to. They both were going to get through this. He wasn't letting her go. He never was. She was going to be his Montana.
No matter if he had to walk through fire to make her see that.. he was going to fix what he broke.. and if he couldn't. If he couldn't get her to love him, to once again be able to say that he was hers not just she was his... then... he would have to go through the rest of his life alone, it would be hell. But if it was what she wanted. If she wanted it. He wasn't going to argue. Once again... she was in control. But he wouldn't have it any other way. Even if this process took years.. years of him proving himself to her, he never thought he would be a guy to do that, but this was different. It was always different when it involved Lindsay. So... he was willing to let her have his heart this time, if she wanted to break it just so she could get over her own heartbreak.. then he would let her. It never was going to be easy.
He sighed as that thought spun around in his mind. It would be a miracle if anything in his life went easy. He sadly chuckled and headed back to the spare room. All the way thinking one thing. She has my heart. What she does with it.. is her choice.
Unlike any other time in his life, even the time he had been with her. This time. He had just given himself to her, all of him... just gave it up... his heart, soul, mind... everything, was hers. Because when he had it, when he controlled it. It never went well. She was the best thing that had ever happened to him, even now in this struggle and tension between them still... she was still more hope and still meant more to him than anything ever had. One day at a time. One step. One more chance.
He just hoped with every fiber in his being. That this was another chance.
When the morning rays broke what sleep Lindsay had gotten she rolled over and stared out of her half open bedroom door and at the hallway. She wondered what Danny thought about, did he still have nightmares like the ones after Louie's funeral. A wash of guilt went over her, flashbacks from what she had last said to him about his brother. She never meant what she said. Whenever they had fought which was hardly ever, since most of the time it was stupid things... she never meant it. When she got angry, when she would snap, she always would say things. Things she couldn't believe after that she had even said them, things that scared her.. the fact she could even say those things. Tears always came straight after when she would realize it. Saying them to Danny would always make her want to crawl up and die, her heart would ache so much. But when she had yelled those things at him that night.. afterward... she didn't feel anything about what she said.
Lying in the bed staring into space she suddenly felt guilty for saying them. Why now. She didn't know that though. Was it because he was there. No. Was it because he had been so, so silently caring toward her ever since she came out of the coma... well... or.. that other option including loving a man she swore that day to never care for in the slightest ever again. He broke her. Even now. But something that scared her more than the unknown of her feelings, was how him being there, just his presence.. it was as if she was healing, the fact Megan was missing, it was devastating.. but yet, him being there with her, she felt the courage to get through it. Why did she feel the sudden need to give him her heart all over again. Was she insane. That was probably the only reason she could manage to come up with that covered all the bases. Grabbing her dressing gown she slipped it on and softly headed to the spare room, looking through the open doorway. Danny had left the door open because of two reasons, he wanted to feel near to her, even by having one less door between them, and he wondered if maybe if she out of the slightest chance needed him.. she would know she could come in.
Lindsay peered her head further in, letting her eyes wonder. Over his blonde hair, that looked a mess, looked more like it was a mess because he had run his hands through it so many times. His chest, rising and falling as he continued to sleep. She smiled slightly, allowing herself to just relax, let her guard down as she gazed at his sleeping form. She had always loved watching him sleep. He looked in the best terms, adorable. She remembered what it used to feel like when things were happy and at ease between them. That was why it had been harder to live through the years without it. That was why her heart broke so damn much. She knew what it was like to love him openly and be loved.
Now she was aware that she still loved him, she didn't say anything to him after the kiss... because it was all so clear to her after it... she had stared at the white ceiling and it hit her. She was still in love with him. She had been afraid of what it was going to be like with him here... but this... she didn't even think of. She sighed and walked to the bathroom, washing her face and brushing her teeth; busing herself just so she would have something to do other than think of him and everything to do with him in general. She looked at herself in the mirror, a lot like she had in the hospital. She saw the color that had come to her face, she looked noticeably better... the bags under her eyes only faint now. She was pleased about that. She actually managed to get some sleep, she figured coming out of a coma can drain a lot of energy out of you, or was it because of her emotions that were a haywire mess?
She sighed once again, letting all the air out of her lungs before taking a deep breath. She felt better for sure... not happy, not in the mood to make jokes or start saying how wonderful life was. But she was getting slowly back to a Lindsay that at least looked more like a member of the living and less like a corpse that she used to process. She missed her job sometimes, but after she left New York.. she felt like she wasn't just leaving the city, she was leaving her whole life there... Danny especially.. and somehow she lost the will to be a CSI. It just reminded her of him all too much. So instead she started working in a local restaurant, she knew that with her degrees and her skills that the job was not under her so to speak but a waste of her college education. And experience working as a criminal investigator... she knew that. But she chose to come to Philadelphia, start a new life... she hadn't decided on giving up her forensic career until she sat on the bathtub in her hotel room a week later with a pregnancy stick in her hand, the positive sign looking back at her.
She had thought of an abortion... she had thought about it a lot. But in the end she realized that this was something she wasn't going to put behind her, she wasn't going to forget about this. No, she decided that this was her fresh start.. this was what she was going to do. And it worked, she hadn't thought about NY or Danny, or her past job... it was as if it was all something she did as someone else. She was happy. Or more like she had buried everything so far down that she was ignoring it... except some nights as Megan grew older Lindsay would lay in the dark remembering small things, her favorite Cafe around the corner from the Lab... what the skyline looked like at night from the empire state building... what it looked like in winter, with the snow. What it felt like to find that piece of evidence that nailed the killer and sent him to a lifetime of thugs for company and prison food. She missed talking to Stella about things... enjoyed it when Mac would amusedly smile at her when she got excited about a case or reconstruction. Hawkes and Sid's bickering about something or another... Adam when he would get all shy when he asked her what flowers to by for a particular rookie cop he admired. Even Flack, he'd become sort of the guy friend to talk to about things, he had helped her when Danny lost Louie. She had missed nearly everything... but she had still gotten up each day and go through the weeks, months, and still put it behind her.. the nighttime's being a day-dream type link to her old memories.. like a story book she would read Megan. She thought of the times in her life there before she would gradually fall asleep.
Lindsay realized the tap was still running and turned it off. She did that sometimes.. went off thinking. She tried not to. But sometimes it felt better to live in her thoughts then deal with the harsh cold reality. Especially now that the reality was so much more worse than she liked to think about. Sometimes she would think of what could have happened, in the end she would end up on the floor with a blanket crying... because it always came back to that it would never happen. Now she wasn't so sure. She was sure she did in-fact have a defect when it came to Danny... here she was... after all of what had happened... and she was willing to give him her heart? Love him after everything? Why was her heart doing this to her. Why couldn't she just... not love him. She stilled for a minute as she begin to wonder.. where was he on everything.. it was obvious he still cared for her, he did come to the hospital when he found out. He had shown no signs that he came here to make himself feel better or that the fact they had a daughter made him feel weird. Nothing. He had been nothing but-- she closed her eyes. He had been nothing but loving. He held her as she cried, he held her hand, he apologized, and she was sure it wouldn't be the first time he would apologize... it was written all over him, how much he wanted to prove to her that he loved her. She hadn't seen it clearly until now... it was like everything had clouded over in her mind.. all her thoughts, she fell into a dark cloud of depression, then she fell into his arms.. and suddenly she kissed him, she felt the need to reach out to him, make sure that it was real. Make sure that he was real.
But now what.
She shook her head, going back to her bedroom, she looked in on Danny once more on her way past and grateful he was still sleeping.. with all her thoughts so clear and her feelings so open right now. She didn't need to be around him right now... not yet... she was too open. She wasn't ready to object herself to that vulnerability just yet. Getting dressed she pulled on a jumper and went downstairs and to the kitchen, making some coffee her mood sobered to a calmer less emotional state and she made some toast, sitting down she sipped at her coffee just as Danny came into the room. She saw him try and smile. But it faltered and he avoided her eye-line. She knew why. He thought that she was still placing him with the past... she was it was true.. but now, something had shifted.. now she placed him with her past, and her future. She just didn't know where to go from that to making this wall between them dissolve. She knew she couldn't. She wasn't strong enough.. she was emotionally tired her heart was tired. She needed him to be there... hopefully eventually it would happen on it's own. It would be hard. She knew she could never truly say everything was fine. But she hoped that he would be there and they could work at it... together. She was being positive. She needed to be... if she slipped back into her depression, she might do something stupid. And now was not the time for that.
"Morning," Danny half mumbled, quietly sliding into the seat opposite her. Looking down at the table at the plate of toast and coffee mug that sat there. He lifted his head to look at Lindsay, her head was down and she was staring at her plate, tracing her finger around the crumbs. She gave a brief nod in reply. He observed her for a minute, wanting to know how she was feeling, was she worse than she was yesterday, he hoped not.. the thought sent a shiver down his spine. He hated how she had been so dark, so lost, dead, numb... but as she lifted her head and caught his gaze his stomach settled and his nerves subsided as he saw the creamish color she had to her face now.. the black rims still visible under her eyes the only thing left of her gray like coloring and mood yesterday. She didn't look happy. Far from it. But she was calm. He took that as the first true development in what seemed like lifetimes.
They seemed to stare at each-other for a few seconds. The phone in the hall broke the silence of the kitchen and Lindsay looked toward the direction of the ringing. She swallowed and gripped onto the table as she went to stand.. without saying anything Danny got up took ahold of her arm and let her lean onto him as she walked into the hall and to the ringing phone. She took a breath and picked up the phone she felt herself shake but took the strength she could from Danny... even if there was a wall between them... she hoped it was breaking. "Hello."
"Turn on your television."
Lindsay's eyes widened. "Who-who is this?"
"Turn on your television. Channel 6."
And the phone went dead.
She felt Danny's hand pull her into the living room, he must have hung the phone up. She sat for a minute until Danny bent down to look her in the eye. "Lindsay. Lindsay who was it. What did they say," he asked taking her hand in his. All the color he saw on her face was fading she pointed to to the TV set in the corner.
She closed her eyes. "Channel 6."
Danny looked where she pointed and got an idea of what she was talking about. He made a mental note to call Detective Porter and ask him to track the phone call... getting the house phone bugged would be a good idea as well. Turning the power button on he switched it to channel six, before going back over to Lindsay and sitting down next to her.
'This morning in a warehouse in Brooklyn, three bodies were found each with a bullet to their skulls, we don't have much information on them other than the identities of the deceased. Sonny Sassone has been confirmed as one of the victims.. the two other men, affiliates of Sassone's... we'll have more for you at a later time... and now we move onto the weather with Jemma-'
Danny shut it off and turned around to face Lindsay, her eyes were widened and she had both arms wrapped around herself. They had worked out that the man that sent the ransom note and from the case files they had looked over that the man wanted information on Danny regarding what happened to Louie... it came down to he did want information on Sassone... but he also wanted Danny. Lindsay began to shiver, it turned into a shake and Danny had to wrap a blanket over her - he tried to get closer to her to hold her, anything, but he was afraid of her reaction in her state.
"Lindsay. It's okay. We are going to get her back. We sure as hell aren't going to lose it now.. we need to stay sane 'ya hear me. Lindsay," he tried getting her to look at him. It was no use she was zoned out she was looking off aimlessly as she still continued to shake slightly.
"Lindsay. It's okay," he said with concern, his brow furrowing into a frown. He ran a hand through his hair. "Lindsa-" He stopped talking when she stood up. She began to pace and he watched her movements with worry. "It's going to be-"
"It's not going to be OKAY, It's not going to be okay! This maniac wanted you AND Sassone, Danny! With Sassone dead... our little girl... Megan.. my baby... he might! What if... he could. Danny he might kill her.." She threw her hands in the air in anger and frustration. She kept pacing. "You and me know what these people are capable of. They don't care. Everything is not fucking okay. So stop saying it is!" Her voice broke as her voice raised.
Danny didn't blink or react to her swearing, he wasn't shocked by it at all. Instead he was more worried about the panic attack she was having. He walked forward and took ahold of her forearms stopping her from her pacing. She fought his grip briefly before dropping into his arms. "Everything is not okay," she choked into his shoulder.
"Montana, don't give up now. Megan needs you," he placed his hand under her chin. His voice quietened, "I need you."
Her shoulders sagged and she calmed her breathing. "You don't need me."
"Yes I do," he held onto her shoulders, urging her to look at him. When she did his resolve in the problems he was having with himself vanished as he lifted his hand to wipe the tears from her cheeks. "It is going to be okay.."
She opened her mouth but he placed two fingers to it. "If we keep trusting it will. Okay? You gotta trust me on this. We have to trust each-other. Or we have nothing."
Lindsay did nothing but nod, letting him hold her even closer. She felt more and more of the walls crumble as she listened to his heart beat, feel his arms rapped around her tightly. She pulled back and again nodded. "I do trust you," she said barely audible. But he heard it. His eyes lightened as he stared into hers, she let her emotional guard down and stared back, everything around them fell silent, nothing existed. And they wordlessly came to an agreement, they had trust. If anything. They had that. It was a start, it was the beginning to the journey of hard work they had to fix both each-other and whatever relationship they were going to have.
It was an agreement. And it was more than what they had before. That afternoon Danny heard the phone ring again... this time he made Lindsay stay in the living room. He walked over to the phone and answered it quickly not even taking the time to steady himself. This bastard had his daughter.
"What do you want," he snarled into the phone.
"Easy. Daniel. You had this coming." A cold voice barked.
"I had this coming?!" Danny frowned. "What'ya on about?"
"You should have learnt this by now. You can't run from your past. Hope the death of someone dear to you teaches you that lesson." Then once again all that was heard was the dial tone.
He hurried into the living room, Lindsay turned to him just as he pulled her into his arms, resting his head on her shoulder and breathing in the scent of her hair. He didn't know what that phone call meant. He didn't want to tell Lindsay... he didn't want to tell her that, that phone call could have possibly been proof that everything wasn't going to be okay. That the psycho who seemed to know Danny... or else what did he mean. Could kill their daughter.
Lindsay said nothing she just let him hold her. Suddenly something came over Danny. He felt something... something was wrong. He felt it under his skin. Lindsay's face grew curious and she frowned in worry this time. "What-"
"Shh," he whispered letting her out of his arms he felt her hand fall into his.
"Danny what-"
Before she got to finish the sentence the sound of glass shattering came from the living room windows as the sound of bullets being fired collided with it. Danny instinctively threw himself on-top of Lindsay to protect her, shielding her from the flying pieces of glass, and bullets. He covered her ears as the sound of a automatic gun echoed on for a few minutes longer. After it stopped they both lay still. Their breathing the only sound that could be heard other than the odd shard of glass falling off the window frame.
"Are you okay?" Danny looked down at Lindsay, holding her head with both his hands, pushing back the hair from her face. She was quiet. She looked like she was in shock she didn't reply she just dropped her head back and closed her eyes, her breathing shallow. He got up slowly looking out of the now destroyed window and then looked around the equally destroyed living room, bullets imbedded into the walls and furniture. He leant on his knee and stroked Lindsay's cheek gently, "Stay here okay. I'll be right back." He got no response, but he didn't expect any, first her panic attack and now this? She was in shock.
He walked into the hallway and grabbed his coat fishing inside it for his gun, he didn't know really why he had brought it and his badge when he had ran out of his apartment that day, he guessed it was out of habit. Aiming it in front of him he quietly headed outside the front door, clearing the front he made sure whoever had shot at the house was gone, he checked the sides of the house to be sure before walking back inside.
Picking up the phone he informed Detective Porter of what had happened about the phone calls and then about the shooting, Porter told him that he would be right over, Danny asked if it could wait till morning. He told him that Lindsay was visibly shaken and needed the sleep before she could deal with everything again. Porter agreed to it and said he would be over first thing in the morning. Hanging up; Danny let out a breath, putting his weapon back into his coat pocket he went back into the living room and leant down to Lindsay, gently picking her up her lifted her into his arms and carried her upstairs, he felt her hands grab fistfuls of his shirt as she clung onto him, burring herself into his chest.
Neither of them said a word and Danny carried her all the way to her room, lying her down gently on the bed he pulled the covers over her, letting the urge to tuck her hair out of her face win. He let his hand linger on her cheek for a moment before dropping it back to his side. He went to turn to go out when she grabbed his hand, tightening her grip more with each second. He looked down at her and he saw the fright in her eyes as well as the sadness, and something he knew too well. How lonely she felt. He went over to the other side of the bed and got under the covers lying down next to her they both stared up at the ceiling, a calmness to the room coming over them. They lay like that for nearly ten minutes before Danny spoke, breaking the silence.
"Lindsay," he said quietly. Not sure if she was still awake.
"Don't call me that," she replied, he felt her pull the covers closer to herself.
He tried to smirk. But under the circumstances he didn't have it in him. "Montana," he rephrased, letting it roll off his tongue. As soon as he said it some of the tension went. Lindsay stayed quiet but he knew she was still listening to him.
"What happened earlier?" He asked folding his arms behind his head.
Lindsay closed her eyes, she knew he couldn't see her, but she still felt like he could still see her, see all the way into her mind, her heart too. "I..."
"The truth. Please. I need to know. I need to understand why," his voice faded out as he put a hand to his forehead.
He thought while he waited for her to respond, not sure what to think; did he still love her after all this, of course he did. He would be lying if he said any different. He knew that it wasn't going to ever be fixed, but he needed to know, he needed to know that she loved him. And not just from a kiss. He needed to hear her say it. Or at least explain what is going on. He doesn't. He needed her to make sense of everything... like she always did. He was scared still.. would they make it if Megan died... could it still work?
"I still love you."
That was it. That was all he had wanted. All he needed. He let out the longest breath he could and closed his eyes, he felt tears prick in the corners but they were more in relief. He nodded into the darkness. Then everything was still again.
Lindsay hadn't expected herself to let that out like that, she wasn't even sure herself, maybe she was, maybe she just couldn't see it.. so instead her subconscious did it for her. But she just wasn't sure if that was a good thing.. or if that could have ruined everything. The silence that feel between them wasn't helping her line of thoughts. Before her thoughts started to go to more heartbreaking situations Danny rolled over toward her. Propping himself on his forearms her lay over her, looking straight at her, she disappeared for a moment in the blue of his eyes, there was a sparkle to them she wasn't sure she had seen before, it had been there once, but that was so long ago she didn't know if she was seeing things or not. He ran his hand over her cheek and she closed her eyes accepting his touch.
Again... she felt more crumble from the walls between them. Danny watched her eyes open again, he felt at home staring into the brown pools of them. He ran his fingers lightly over her face, her nose, her chin, jaw, and her mouth. The silence enveloped them as they stared at each other. After a pause from Danny he slowly leant down and touched his lips to hers, so gently Lindsay wasn't sure if it happened or not. She let him deepen the kiss and she felt one wall, the wall around her heart dissipate. She slowly ran her hands up his arms and down again, letting them rest on his chest. He let all his emotions go, all the emotions he had held in, finding about her in the accident, seeing her in a coma, the battle with what he had done, everything he felt it disappear. There was only her, he lost himself in the moment with her, pouring all the love he had kept under wraps into the kiss. The kiss was slow, but it was so strong with emotion that after awhile they had to separate for air.
Lindsay looked at him. And it felt like... it felt like she was her again. Lindsay Monroe. She felt alive. She felt whole... her emotions were clear and everything she felt was for him, her focus locked on him... he was her home, she loved him. He held her together when he was falling apart. He made her forget the things that haunted her, even when he couldn't for himself. He was her everything. And now it was like they both knew that they needed each-other. To fill in each-others holes. To fix each-others broken hearts.
Without each-other. They were lost.
Lindsay pulled him to her and held onto him, she had found him, through everything, she had found him. She felt tears come to her eyes, everything was so screwed up and yet he managed to save her. And she gave him her heart for that. All these years later... and he was still was that man that made her call Mac 'Sir' on her first day. He was still the man that let the nickname 'Montana' draw out into a whine when he would get impatient. He was still the man that made her blush with just a single sentence, or word, or smile. He was still the man that had placed a ring under the microscope and told her to have a look at what he found... the same man that got down on one knee in-front of the entire lab and asked her to spend the rest of her life with him because he couldn't live without in his words that day... 'I can't live without you Montana. You're my Montana.' He was the man that she couldn't help but love. Even through everything.
Danny rolled onto his back, pulling her with him. He wrapped one arm around her waist, the other under his head as he looked at her. She looked at him and nodded. They were going to get through this. Together. Because apart made no sense to her anymore.
He placed another kiss on her lips, "I never stopped loving you," he said onto her mouth. When she kissed back he felt his heart heal just that little more. He never realized he had missed her just this much. After awhile he had gotten used to the empty numb feeling of hurt... but now... now he realized why he felt alone. He needed her more than anything... he always had.
She curled up into his arms and an unspoken agreement was between them. They were going to fix what ever they could between them. They knew that it wouldn't be able to completely. But even half fixed would do.
"We are going to get Megan back, Linds."
"I hope you're right."
He let out a sigh. "God. I hope so too."
"She's just like you," Lindsay commented as she traced circles on his chest.
"I bet she looks just like you," he replied, as he twirled her curls in his fingers idly.
Lindsay got up out of his arms for a minute and he looked at her, she leant over to the bedside table and got out a small black photo album, flipping through the photos she pulled one out then went back into his arms. Holding up the photo she handed it to him before laying her head on his chest.
Danny stared at the picture and he felt some tears cloud his vision, he smiled slightly. "She's beautiful," he said as he held her closer.
"She's ours."
TBC
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Whoa yeah. Another chapter done. Phew. Hope ya'll like it. Let me know your thoughts as always. I need to know what you think. ;)
Next chapter. Is... epilogue.
Yep. We are coming to an end. Sad isn't it. I wasn't planning on ending it. But I feel like it's time. Don't worry. Megan will be found. Promise. Had to fix our broken D/L first. (However. If nearly all of you want me to continue.. I can think of a sequel. I honestly don't mind. I write for you all. So in the end. What you say goes. Or something like that)
So, would be nice if I could hit 100 before I end it. Hint Hint. ;D
My other fic. Unaware Choices will be my main project. It's more planned than this, as I wrote all the chapters, check it out, less angsty than this... has more fluff, I've updated that sometime this week.
Love ya'll.
Lila.