Chapter 10
Olivia was speechless. She gazed into Elliot Stabler's melancholy eyes. It was evident that he was fighting tears; Olivia tried to recall a time she had seen Elliot Stabler cry, but she couldn't at that moment. Maybe it was because the times were so seldom, or they didn't exist. She wasn't sure.
She was in disbelief and denial of the words she'd just heard. It can't be. He can't be sick. This isn't happening. Her body filled with remorse for Elliot. She couldn't imagine going through what he was going through. His family wasn't talking to him, and now this. Guilt tripped over her, remembering the statements she'd made earlier on the phone and when she and Elliot had first met up.
"Can I kill you now?" she had asked.
His response made complete sense now.
"The universe is doing that for you."
He had to fight, right? He had to fight against the universe. He could get through this.
"El," she said softly. "You're going to fight this, right? There are treatments."
Elliot buried his face in his hands, sobbing. He looked up moments later. His bloodshot eyes look at Olivia, who also was fighting back tears now. She wanted to stay strong for Elliot.
His face was red, and he fumed, "Liv, what's the point? If I had something worth fighting for, I would fight. But the simple fact is I don't."
"El, you have plenty worth fighting for. I'm sure that if you tell Kathy and your kids…"
"…Why should I?" Elliot asked fiercely. "I don't want them to pity me. It was their choice to quit speaking to me, and I don't want to burden them with my disease. Liv, they're better off without me."
"El, that's not true!" Olivia cried. Tears were uncontrollably streaming down her cheeks now. "You know that's not true."
"I don't, and I truly believe it is true," Elliot folded his arms. "Liv, you can't convince me otherwise. I'm only here to tell you because I wanted to end things on a good note between us. I couldn't live with myself knowing the way that I had SVU without saying goodbye to you. I wish you the best with Cassidy. If he makes you happy, then that's all that matters. You of all people deserve to be happy."
"El…"
He stood up, although his coffee was only half finished.
"Liv, it was nice seeing you again, but I should be going now. Can you promise me something?"
He can't go, she thought. Not so soon. Her hands trembled on her barely touched coffee mug. She wasn't just going to let him disappear forever.
"El, I'll do anything for you," she said.
"Promise me you won't try to find me again. I don't want you to see me get sicker. Promise me you won't track down Kathy or my kids. I don't want anyone to see me suffer."
"Elliot! Please," she begged, standing up and grabbing Elliot's shoulders. She looked into his tearful red eyes. "Go to the doctor, take the treatments—"
"No, Olivia," he cut in. "I won't put my family through it. This is how it has to be. I knew you would fight me on this. This is what I want. Please, promise me you'll respect that."
Was he insane? How was she supposed to promise that she was going to knowingly let him kill himself?
"Elliot, you're asking me to let you eat your gun," she said. Her hands gripped onto his shoulders, not ready to let him go.
"You're not my partner anymore, Olivia," Elliot whispered. "You don't have to protect me anymore. I'm on my own and have to fend for myself."
"Partner or not," Olivia started, "I still feel like it's my obligation to make sure you're okay. This just doesn't feel right."
"Well, stop feeling obligated to take care of me. You can't. Please, promise me. It's my dying wish," Elliot said. His nose was red, and she gently touched his wet face.
Her throat burned as tears began to wash her face.
"Okay, you win," she gasped. "I promise."
As she spoke those words, she knew in her heart that was one promise she couldn't guarantee herself to keep. She'd already begun devising ways to break the promise. What could she do? Call Kathy? She could already imagine Kathy's reaction to Olivia's call. What if Kathy was upset that Elliot had told Olivia and not her? What if, aside from everything, Kathy truly did not care about Elliot anymore and was glad that he'd soon be dead? Over the years Olivia had known Kathy, Olivia had never projected her to be a cold, heartless person. Surely, Kathy would feel remorse for her ex-husband and want to help him. After all, he was the father of their five children.
What else could she do? She could contact Kathleen. Olivia still had Kathleen's cell phone number programmed in her phone, so she could easily call her. Kathleen would care; after all, she was the only child still talking to her father.
Or, what if Olivia respected her former partner's wishes and did nothing, like he wanted? He had to know that was too much for her. After being partnered with her for twelve years, how could he expect her to keep such a promise?
"Thank you, Olivia," he told her.
She hugged him one last time.
"I'm going to miss you, Stabler," she said, sobbing.
"You'll be just fine, Olivia. You've done just fine the last year and a half without me, and you'll do fine once I'm gone for good," he told her, his arms still wrapped around her. "Don't miss me, Olivia."
How can she not? Olivia thought to herself. She'd never stopped missing Elliot. There were times she didn't think of him as much because her life had kept her busy. But at the end of the day, when she lay in bed alone, he always crossed her mind at some point or another.
He let go of her and gazed into her eyes one last time.
"This is goodbye, Olivia."
Author's Note: So sad! I almost cried while writing this. Do you think Olivia will keep her promise?