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Beautiful Mess
Chapter 10: Saying Sorry
Claire gulped. She felt like she was in high school all over again. He was inches from her face. They'd already shared one mind melting kiss, she wasn't entirely sure she wanted to turn down another. She held her breath as he moved a bit closer. "Say yes. I'll behave… Or I'll try really hard at least." He whispered, his hand snaking into her hair.
She nodded weakly and he led her away from her rental car to his. The drive over was quiet. "I never thought we'd be here, now, in this moment." He said quietly.
"I didn't either." She replied, her eyes on the road in front of her.
"I'm sure you didn't, but not for the same reasons as me. You didn't think of it because you never thought of me romantically. I didn't think it would happen because you were the unreachable, the ungettable get, so to speak." He told her, his hand patting hers.
"Why didn't you ever try to get in touch with me after I left?" She asked him, turning herself towards him.
"I had my reasons. You ran away from this place as fast as you could as soon as you could, I didn't think you wanted any reminders of the past. And by the time I'd worked up the courage to ask your mother, she told me you were pregnant with your boyfriend's child. I gave up, figured there was no chance for us." He said with a sigh as he made a left turn into one of the most prestigious subdivisions in Seattle.
"I wish you'd called." She whispered as they pulled over by a large frame of a house.
He came around to her side of the car, opening the door. "Me too." He said as he led her towards the house.
HOSPITAL
Bailey strode into Meredith's room half hour after Derek had made his exit. Meredith may be her boss, but that never stopped Bailey. She snatched up the chart, flipping through it noisily, letting it clatter back into its place on the end of the bed, startling Meredith awake.
"I'm sorry, did I wake you?" Bailey asked sarcastically. Meredith groaned and pushed herself up to the sitting position, her eyes on the older woman, waiting for whatever it was Bailey had to say.
"I know you're in pain and you're frustrated because you can't run your hospital, and quite honestly, I don't care. What I do care about is what you've been putting this staff through the last 30 years. You've run this place with an iron ship, never cutting anyone any slack, making no exceptions, accepting no excuses." Bailey said, getting up closer to Meredith.
"Why is that wrong? What problem do you have with it? You were the Nazi." Meredith countered.
"You make me look like a puppy dog. I am the way I am because it's who I am. You are not me. You are not supposed to be like me. Stop acting like me. The only reason you're doing it is because of what he did to you. It was your answer. You figured if you shut off the emotions, you could shut off the pain. Figured that one out the hard way didn't you? He's been gone 30 years and you still haven't let it go. You know, the opposite of love is not anger or hate, those are emotions, they require you to have feelings. The opposite of love is indifference. And you Meredith Grey, are not indifferent. Haven't ever been and probably never will be." Bailey finished as she adjusted the IV bag and left the room.
THE DATE
He'd shown her everything. Where his bedroom would be, his kitchen, living room. "Ian, everything sounds incredible." She murmured in awe and appreciation of what her old childhood friend and new love interest had accomplished.
He blushed under her compliment. "I'm not going to lie, you were part of my inspiration for this house." He told her.
"How so?" She questioned, her eyebrows furrowed in curiosity as she turned to face him.
"Well, you had the biggest and the best growing up. You're mom was the most successful, you had the best toys, the biggest house, the nicest cars. I wanted to prove that I could do the same, that I could provide just as well as anyone. But then, when I found out what you were doing for a living and that you were a single mother, the meaning changed. You are raising a child, and doing a hell of a job. And you're doing it alone, and without all the money and fame your mother has. That's when I realized. It wasn't just about providing. It was about being there and being happy, doing what you love. You didn't follow your mother's path. You created your own. You don't have millions of dollars, but you seem happy." He finished, slightly embarrassed at his outburst.
She was floored. She'd never had anyone put it like that before, she'd never had anyone understand it in such a way. "I am happy, or I was until this whole thing with my mother." She muttered unhappily.
"What are you going to do? My mom said they offered you a job here." He asked as they made their way outside and sat on the hood of the car.
"I don't know. I'm supposed to meet with all her doctors tomorrow to discuss what treatment and rehabilitation we're looking at here. Then I'll decide. I can't leave her, but Boston is sort of home now, my job is there, my daughter's friends are there…" She replied, her eyes on the stars.
"Could Seattle be home again?" He asked as she brought her eyes to his. She looked deeply into his gaze, seeing the nervous young teenage hiding in the back.
He wanted her to stay. She wasn't sure if she belonged here anymore. She shrugged her shoulders. "It's possible. At least until she's better, if I need to stay." She told him.
"If you don't need to stay?" He pressed softly.
"I go home." She replied.
He nodded. He knew that. He knew she'd go if she didn't have to stay. And it made sense, she has a job and responsibilities, he understood that. Why wasn't his heart getting the message?
"C'mon, I'll take you home." He whispered, grabbing her hand and pulling her off the car.
She nodded mutely and let him open her door for her.
The drive was again silent. They were both lost in the conversation they'd just had. Before either of them knew it, they were back at her mother's house. He got out and went around and opened her door.
He walked her to the front stoop and she turned to look at him. "I'll never tell you what to do or tell you that you should stay. That's not my place. All I'm telling you is to follow your heart and do what's best for you and your daughter." He said quietly before leaning over and kissing her softly.
"Goodnight Claire." He said as he walked to his car.
"Goodnight." She whispered as she turned to head inside.
NEXT MORNING – HOSPITAL
Claire had slept fitfully the night before, her thoughts plagued by what the outcome of the next morning would bring. She showered and dressed before heading to the hospital. Cristina and Burke were meeting her there with Ava. She headed to Preston's office, where they'd agreed to meet, but stopped two doors before it, her daughter's voice catching her ear.
"Are you my grandpa?" Ava asked. Claire peeked into the nearly vacant waiting room she'd heard her daughter's voice come out of and saw her questioning Derek.
Derek caught Claire's eyes as she quietly entered the room. He silently asked for permission to answer the question. She gave a barely perceptible nod.
"Yes I am your grandpa. And your mommy is right behind you." He told her, hoping to divert her attention. The young girl whirled around and dove for her mom. Claire wrapped her daughter in a tight hug.
The young girl quickly rattled off all the details of the previous night's activities before turning her attention to the latest episode of Dora the Explorer.
"Sorry about earlier. She just started asking questions…" Derek said as he sat down next to her at the table.
"It's fine. I want her to know who you are, I don't want to keep you from her like mom kept you from me. Speaking of mom, how did it go last night?" She asked him. He looked up and she met eyes identical to her own.
"Not great. She told me she hadn't forgiven me and isn't planning to forgive me, and doesn't think about me in that 'way' anymore." He reported.
"She's stubborn. She doesn't want to let go of the pain. I guess it's easier to hate you than it is to love you." Claire replied with a shrug.
"It's safer too. With hate, you're always in charge. With love, whole different story." He said, taking a sip of the coffee he'd brought along.
"Wish I could help. But mom and I aren't really that close…" Claire retorted with a sigh, her eyes on her daughter.
"You remind her of me. You look like me, you have the same brooding personality as me, you walk like me, talk like me, you're me, only female. That's tough on your mom, you're the constant reminder of the relationship she never got to fully experience." He said.
Truth be told, this wasn't new to Claire. She'd kind of always figured she was more like her dad and for some reason that had always upset her mother. Now she knew why.
"C'mon, grab the munchkin, you're supposed to be meeting with her attending soon." Derek said as he stood
"Isn't George her attending?" She asked as they strode down the hall, Ava's little hand wrapped around Derek's.
"Not anymore." He replied, a glint in her eye.
"Who's her attending?" She pressed, confused by the sudden change in doctors.
"I am." He answered as they entered the room.
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