A few days later, she was able to talk more easily. She wasn't as worried or as lost now that she knew where she was, and she'd been briefly informed about everything that had happened and why Katie had forgiven her. Everyone was acting strangely around her now, being more polite and formal than they normally would. It wasn't real. She knew that was typically how patients were treated, but it still annoyed her. When they were allowed to visit, they talked a lot, but didn't say much. It was as if they were talking to a complete stranger at times, just making random observations, like 'The wallpaper looks a bit old', or, 'Do you think it's cold in here?' When they weren't making small talk, they seemed to be analysing everything she said, asking weird questions, trying to work her out. So far, they had avoided directly asking her why she had done what she did, but it was implied through many of their questions. She realised this straight away, and promptly pretented to interpret the questions differently, either answering with something irrelevant to what they had wanted her to say, or simply giving a passive shrug. She was embarrased, and thought they wouldn't understand her reasons. They'd think she was crazy. They'd be angry with her for doing something so dangerous for reasons that made no sense to them. She was scared to be honest. She wanted to tell them eventually, but not now. Not when they'd go back to the waiting room and discuss every word she'd said. Not when there were so many doctors and psychiatrists and counsellors floating about. If they found out, they'd probably send her to a mental hospital. She wasn't insane. She did need help, but not that kind of help, not from psychologists, not help from people who would never understand. She hoped at least Tony and a few of her friends could understand eventually, but for now, she just wasn't ready.
She was a bit scared by how things had got out of hand so easily without her even fully realising how extreme her actions were. And it took a lot to scare Effy. She had lost sight of her goal to sort things out after just a few days and it all had spiralled out of control from there. She'd wanted to fix things. Now everything was broken and wrong. Her suffering had made them suffer. No matter how hard they tried to hide it, she could see the pain and worry in their eyes. All of them. She'd done it because she wanted to make things better. She messed them up so badly before, but now she felt like she'd just made things worse. She thought not eating would clear her mind and help her focus but it just blurred everything. She was angry with herself. It seemed like everything she touched just crumbled. Nothing seemed to be right.
She was surprised by how nice they were all being, how much they cared. The concern in their faces made her feel so guilty for putting them through all that worry. She felt like she didn't deserve them, any of them. Their kindness was starting to get on her nerves. She just wished they'd be honest. She just wished they would stop treating her differently. Maybe then she could at least see things more clearly. Freddie was confusing her. She could normally read people with ease, even him, but not now. He'd seemed ashamed of her before. She understood that, but now he seemed to love her again. He seemed to think it was his fault. She couldn't figure out if he was telling the truth now or just trying not to hurt her.
She had barely any energy now. Everything hurt when she tried to move. Her head pounded constantly. She hated the lack of freedom. Stuck in an aching, weak body, trapped in a dreary hospital, constantly being watched. She wanted to just get out as soon as possible before she really did go crazy, but it didn't look like she'd be allowed home any time soon.
The nurse came in to ask if she felt up to seeing another visitor. She nodded calmly, even though she really didn't want to see anyone right now. How many times a day can a person answer 'How are you feeling' and 'Is there anything you want to talk about' without going insane? She'd put them through so much though, and she did love them, so the least she could do was answer their mundane questions.
She was surprised to see Cook walk through the door. She'd expected Freddie or Tony. Anyone but Cook. She hadn't spoken to him since she woke up yet. She'd heard he'd had a fight with her brother, but no-one seemed willing to elaborate, and she was aware she'd probably been given a slightly biased, edited account of the story. They were only trying to protect her, but there's no fooling Effy Stonem.
"Alright Eff?" he asked, in his typical casual way. She liked that. Everyone else changed their tone of voice when they talked to her now, as if they were talking to a child.
She shrugged. "You?"
He ignored the question. She already knew the answer anyway.
"You had us worried there. We thought you were going to die".
She nodded acceptingly. There was something weirdly comforting about his bluntness, his honesty.
"So why'd you do it, Eff?" he asked.
She didn't really feel like lying now. She didn't think he'd be in a hurry to go telling the others anyway. She didn't have to be fake with Cook.
"To fix things", she stated. "For freedom, control, independance.."
He looked confused for a second. Sometimes he didn't even bother trying to make sense of what she said.
"And did it work?" he asked plainly.
She shook her head with a small smile. He smiled back at her. "You're a mad one, you know that?"
She could tell Cook hadn't had an easy summer either. He'd lost his spark, his friends, his girlfriend. But he was a fighter and he never backed down. There was something about his strength and determination that made her feel guilty, both for her weakness and for having hurt him earlier.
He walked around the room, looking around. He seemed to be the only person who wasn't intimidated by the machines and wires everywhere, the only one who didn't stare at her.
After a minute or two, he spoke again, "How do you stick this place? Does it not do your head in, Eff, not having any drugs, not having any fun? Careful it doesn't make you too serious babe, you might turn into Freds".
She smiled at his strange concern. He didn't treat her any differently now than before and that was just what she had wanted. Truth. Reality. Honesty. She wasn't with Cook anymore, but they both knew he'd always be there. There was always going to be Cook and Effy. Someone to understand her, without really understanding, without interfering too much. They were both outsiders in a way. Different than the rest. One too wild, one too complex. They could drift in and out and struggle forever to stay in their place in the group. But he'd always have her and she'd always have him, maybe just as friends, but that was a hell of a lot better than nothing.