Before my memory slinks to when Alice and I are sitting on Bette and Tina's front steps, and I tell her what just happened with Jenny, I'm interrupted by Carmen.
She stumbles her way beside me and bumps right into me, shaking me from my train of thought. She looks from me to the general direction Molly walked off to. Carmen's elbow juts off her hip, her index finger pointing off into the crowd.
"Who was that?'' she asks, her eyes jumping back to me. I shrug.
"That was Molly.'' I answer. Carmen scoffs, pulling out the chair on my left and sitting.
"Molly? Molly who?'' she's a bit more insistent in her voice now, not just casual.
"We dated, before the whole Jenny thing.'' I say and Carmen's eyes widen in disbelief. She bites down on her bottom lip.
"Oh, did you now?'' Carmen's words are laced with sarcasm, and I resist making a snide comment. I open my lips to speak but Carmen talks right over me, and I can tell all the tequila shots have finally been getting to her.
"Did you fuck around on her with Cherie Jaffe too?'' her words are so bitter and filled with anger that they cut right through me. I feel like my rib cage has been pulled open and Carmen's just poking at my heart.
"Carmen…'' I mutter, hoping to calm her down. Not wanting to make a scene in the middle of Hit. She waves her forefinger at me though, warning me not to interrupt her.
"No!'' she says sternly, "How long did you wait to fuck her over? Hm? Did she get a whole 6 months like me or is that your limit?"
I grab at Carmen's hand and pin it to the table, hunching forward and silently pleading with her to keep her voice down. I can't tell if it's her blood alcohol level or if she's really just this pissed, but she ignores me and keeps going.
"How long after we broke up were you two fucking?''
"Carmen, stop.''
"No, I wanna know!'' she exclaims and I lean back in my seat. I don't know if I admire her tenacity anymore now, considering she seems hell bent on calling me out on all of my misdoings. I squeeze Carmen's hand, silently urging her to keep her voice down.
"We were broken up for like 2 years, Carm.''
"Oh ya? So what you were just a celibate nun after I left then? Huh?''
I run my hands over my head, feeling the coarseness of my short hair, and I make a mental note to pick up some conditioner tomorrow. I take in a deep breath, as deep as you can with the overwhelming stench of sweat and alcohol.
"No.'' I say, "I was with Cherie for a while.'' Carmen rolls her eyes and I can just tell she's holding in some snide remark. "Then this girl, Paige, for a few months.''
"You leave her at the altar too?'' Carmen slurs, bringing a glass I hadn't even noticed she was holding up to her lips. I press my lips together tight, shaking my head as I'm staring down at the table at what I guess could only be described as shame. After a long moment of considering how to word it properly, I realize there is no pretty way to say it. So I just come out with it.
"No. We were gonna buy a house together. Then she caught me fucking the realtor.''
Carmen actually bursts out laughing, her empty hand flying up to her mouth to cover it. Her shoulders keep jumping though as the chortles keep coming. I swallow my pride and keep going.
"Then, I dated Molly a while after that.'' I interlock my fingers and hold them over my stomach. Carmen just keeps looking at me like she's waiting for the punch line. Her dark eyes shift from side to side and her bottom lip hangs apart from the top one. She quirks an eyebrow and all of the sudden her look of disgust turns into a smile.
"No.'' she says in disbelief and I look around, confused.
"No what?''
"Don't tell me.''
"What?'' I'm completely lost.
"She's a straight girl, isn't she?'' Carmen's grinning deviously, her pointer finger aiming in Molly's general exit direction. I can't help but laugh. Carmen just shot from being pissed off to almost proud sounding, like it was an accomplishment.
"She was.'' I answer and we both start chuckling. I almost feel inclined to high five Carmen at my feat. But just as soon as Carmen changed the mood, she switches it back. Her eyes narrow and she focuses in on mine again.
"Wait, what happened with her then?'' she questions. I feel a twinge in my chest, like my sternum just caved in and poked at the top of my lungs. My eyes fall away and I feel the shame washing over me again.
"I uh…'' I start and stop, Carmen slides in, trying to lighten the mood.
"Was she the realtor?'' she asks sarcastically. I can't bring myself to smile though. I just shake my head, twiddling my thumbs together.
"No, I… I didn't wanna hurt her, you know…like what I did to you.''
Carmen has a solemn look on her face now. I guess even though it's been years you never fully get over something like that. The feeling's mutual though and I can't hide it. So I just try and keep moving it along.
"Her um, her mom…didn't want us to be together. She thought I was holding Molly back so I don't know. I guess I just figured that I should—"
"Let her go?'' Carmen offers, her eyes shining. I don't wanna ask if I've made her upset, or let her know I've noticed. So I just nod a little. We sit in silence for a long moment. Both of us running over our old memories in our mind, or at least I am.
"Are you ready to go?'' I finally ask. All this serious talk really makes it harder to be in a bar surrounded by alcohol and a million girls I can't have. The back of Carmen's hand comes up under her nose and she rub's it, sniffling back a bit. She nods, her long hair hanging in her face.
"Yeah, let's go.''
(Cuts to Shane and Carmen entering the house)
We don't talk the whole way back. I just keep my hands on the wheel and my eyes on the road, and Carmen's avoiding eye contact like I'm Medusa. She stares out the window and the only sound is Alice's chatter to Tasha, who hardly gets a word out.
After we drop them off I pull into the driveway, but before I can even pull the key out of the ignition Carmen's out of the car, walking up the front steps. By the time I lock the car and get inside, closing the front door behind me, Carmen's in the kitchen pouring herself a glass of wine.
"Didn't have enough at Hit?'' I ask, tossing my keys onto the coffee table. Carmen snickers, rolling her head back and staring up at the ceiling.
"If that's not the pot calling the kettle black…'' she replies, knowing I can't argue with her. She puts her palms down flat on the countertop and slowly turns her head in my direction. She sighs through her nose, her shoulders dropping down as she exhales.
"Well, do you want a glass?'' her voice is annoyed, like I'm guilting her into it. I step across the hardwood floor of the living room and into the kitchen. I lean against the island, my fingers wrapping around the ledge, my hip bones poking against the side.
Carmen slides the glass towards me and starts pouring herself one. I bring the glass up to my lips and take a swig, and the second I taste the wine I remember why I've always liked hard liquor better.
Carmen does the same and I start trying to stuff the cork back in the bottle top. Our eyes meet over the ledge of our glasses and her lips curl up into a smile, and she pulls the glass away to avoid choking.
Fuck. That's all I can think. I know the warmth I feel isn't from the wine. It's from Carmen. I'm getting another feeling of déjà vu as I look down at the wine bottle. I remember that night, after our date. We came back for a glass of wine, but I was so goddamn into her I didn't even finish my first glass. That night we had the most incredible time. Not just because the sex was great but because we genuinely wanted each other. And that feeling has been few and far between in my life.
I lick my lips, getting the unfortunate taste of the wine again, and I look at Carmen's eyes, and I can't help but get the feeling she's running through the same memory as I am. I feel my heart beating right out of my chest as I try to speak.
"You should probably breathe…'' I tease, repeating my memory aloud. Carmen's smile grows and she ginger places her glass down on the counter. She chuckles and folds her arms over her chest.
"Really? You're gonna pull this again?'' she asks, still laughing though as I step closer. My stomach is pulling itself into knots as I take a shaky step forward. I reach up and tuck a stray piece of Carmen's hair behind her ear, but I hold my hand there on the side of her head.
I start to lean in, feeling her breath hit my lips and I can practically taste the mix of tequila and wine. I'm inching my way in, expecting Carmen to pull away, but she doesn't. Her head tilts back a little, and I can't believe she's actually welcoming it.
I finally close the gap and our lips collide, and just like the first time it doesn't take long for them to start mashing together uncontrollably. Before I know it we're making our way down the hall to Jenny and mine's old room.
My hand is on the small of her back. Her hand is clenching to my jacket, pulling me in close. Our tongues intermingling cautiously until Carmen parts her lip more to deepen the kiss, inviting me in.
We pause in the doorway and my other hand is intertwined in her hair, her nails dig into the back of my neck. We break apart for a second, both of us gasping for air. Sweat and saliva coats my lips. I look into her eyes and see how read they are, bloodshot. Carmen leans in for more but I have to stop.
"Carmen you've had too much to drink.'' I say, loosening my grip. Her mouth opens and her eyes search around fervently like she's waiting for me to tell her I was just kidding.
"What? No, Shane…'' she mutters as I slide away from her. This is torture, but she doesn't even know it.
"I'm sorry, Carm, I can't. Not like this, you're shit faced.'' I pull the covers back on the bed and gesture her over.
"But Shane, I…'' she's confused now. Looking at her now I can see how wasted she is. I guess I was so distracted trying not to be attracted to her that I missed it completely. I gesture her over and she totters the few feet to the bed. She sits down and I start pulling off her high heels, it's actually shocking she managed to stay standing in these.
"Shane, no.'' she grabs at my hand as I try to walk away. Her eyes are welled up with tears, but I remind myself she probably wouldn't remember it in the morning. Then I'd have taken advantage of her, and we'd be right back where we started.
Carmen lies down, inviting me to climb on top of her. I feel like a scumbag to say I actually consider doing it. How easy it would be to just get over her and kiss her, tell her how in love with her I am and then wait for her to pass out and leave. How she'd probably not even remember it tomorrow and I could just act like it never happened. But of course my moral compass is pointing me in the opposite direction, so I settle for just pulling the blanket over her.
She leans up for another kiss but I dodge it, just planting one on her forehead. I flick off the lamps and try to get out of the room as fast as possible.
I make a bee line straight for the bathroom. I tear off all my clothes and jump in the shower, cranking the tap all the way to freezing. I stand and lean against the wall, watching as the water runs over me. I hang my head and see the streams trickling off the end of my hair.
I slap myself across the face, literally this time. Carmen has actually forced me to take a cold shower. I mutter a slew of curses to myself, watching the water spray out from my mouth.
This is unbearable.