CHAPTER TEN: Coffee Break

Tris
Late September

"Morning, Tris!" Marlene chirps, a bit too cheerily for my taste, as I slide into my usual seat next to her and behind Four in our English Lit classroom.

"Morning," I mumble as I rummage through my backpack for my books and a pen. When I look up, Four is completely turned around in his seat, his eyebrows raised at me. "What?" I ask, defensively.

He furrows his brow. "You okay?" he asks, and I see Marlene eyeing me with concern. "You just… you seemed happy this morning, and now you don't." I press my lips together in a straight line and shrug. He lowers his voice. "Eric?" He can read my answer in my eyes as soon as our gazes meet, and he frowns. I don't miss the look that passes between Four and Marlene.

Eric has always run hot and cold, but it's been worse than usual the last few weeks. He is drinking more often, and that's always when he is meanest. The rest of the time, though… well, he isn't the sweetest or most romantic guy I've met, but he has his moments, often enough, where he shows me that he cares for me. These past few weeks, Eric has put more effort into the romantic gestures; he has given me flowers twice, taken me out to dinner a couple of times, and accepted my music and movie choices without complaint on several occasions. He's usually quite stubborn about things like that, and I don't push back hard enough to get my way. It's just not worth creating conflict over something silly like that.

But as I said… he is coming home from work more drunk than he used to, and drinking more on his nights off. He often wakes me up when he stumbles in at three in the morning and makes it impossible for me to fall back to sleep until he finally passes out himself; the effects of interrupted sleep are catching up with me more and more, my thoughts feel jumbled all the time. He has never dealt well with any sort of perceived criticism, and lately, I can't seem to anticipate what he will take issue with. Most of the time, it's a simple misinterpretation, but his moods flip quickly and once he's upset, there's not much I can do but wait it out.

Most of the time, the mornings are fine. This morning, though, he had to get up early to deal with something at the DMV which he had put off too long to do at a more convenient time, now. So he was tired and irritable, and a teasing comment about his bedhead- which I meant to be playful and even flirty- led to glares and snarky comments from him. It's not so much that it was a terrible argument- it wasn't. It's just… it all builds and builds and it becomes exhausting.

"It's fine, it's nothing," I say, finding a small smile to give them. "I'm just tired."

I'm not sure they believe me, but they let it go. Marlene and I chat for a few minutes until the instructor comes in to start class. She and I, and often Shauna, have been hanging out more lately. We take photos together a couple of times a week, had an at-home spa night at their dorm room, and Marlene and I decided on a whim to get piercings together last night. Christina usually seems to be busy or uninterested, though; it's too bad, I had hoped that she and I would get along well, with our boyfriends being roommates and all, but we really haven't connected- I'm not sure she likes me at all.

Talking with Marlene improves my mood, and helps me forget about this morning's conflict with Eric by the time the lecture begins.

I glance around to make sure Tori isn't watching me and pull my phone out of my back pocket. I smile when I see a text from Four. Do you have a break coming up? Thought I'd come in for that coffee you promised me.

Four is pretty quiet and reserved, and neither of us talk about anything too serious with each other, but somehow, we just… know each other. We understand each other, even if he doesn't know how I became who I am, and vice versa. After only a month, he's one of the best friends I have ever had. I doubt he appreciates me as much as I appreciate him. I'm nothing special.

I bite my lip. I'm not going to tell him not to come- he is so generous to let me use his laptop for photo editing, and I don't want to seem like I am going back on my offer. This morning, though, he came right out and asked about whether Eric was getting me down, and… I just don't want to talk about it.

I shake my head. This is Four. He has never made me talk about anything I didn't want to, and he won't this time, either. Besides… he probably will stay five minutes and that will be it. We see one another plenty at the apartment.

Sure, whenever. We aren't very busy today, I reply. I pocket my phone and get on with my work, heading to the back room for the cups I need to restock.

For the next thirty minutes, every time the door chime sounds, my eyes are on the door to see who has entered the cafe, with me internally scolding myself every time. I am headed back to the counter after serving a latte to a middle-aged man with a combover- he looks a little familiar, probably a professor at the university- when I snap to attention at the chime again.

I don't understand the way my stomach drops like a rock- maybe it's all the recent tension. I should be happy to see Eric here, it's been a long time since last visited me at work. But for some reason, I'm disappointed. I paste a smile to my face as I walk over to greet him. He wraps his arms around my waist and kisses me a bit too sloppily, and I am blushing after, when I pull away from him and lean back against the counter.

"This is a nice surprise," I say. "What brings you by today?"

Eric smiles back- a gentle smile, not the kind where it's too wide and pulls at the holes in his piercings. "I wanted to see you," he says simply. "Can you take a break?"

My heart drops to my stomach again- I didn't directly say that I'd hang out with Four during my break, but I know it was implied. Still, I really can't blow off my boyfriend… for his roommate. "Sure, just let me check in with Tori first."

When I have talked with Tori and hung up my apron, I find Eric waiting for me in a small loveseat. I glance around, but still see no sign of Four. Maybe he's not coming. I push away my disappointment… or relief- I'm not even sure what I feel. Eric may be even more erratic than usual lately, but he's trying, that much is clear, or else he wouldn't be here right now.

"Should we order something to drink? I have a half hour," I tell him.

Eric shakes his head. "I already ordered for us- Lauren should be bringing it over soon." I thank him and sit down next to him; he drapes his arm over my shoulders. My stomach is rumbling, I wonder if he ordered anything to eat. I'm about to ask when I hear the door chime again. I instantly glance to the door. When I see Four, dressed for work, I bite my lip. Eric notices and and follows my gaze.

"What's Four doing here?" he asks me, a crease appearing between his eyebrows, just as Four makes eye contact with me. He notices Eric and raises his eyebrows. I feel frozen, I don't know how to respond, and I don't have time to think- Four is already walking over to us.

"Uh… hey, Tris… Eric…" Four says. I give him a tight smile.

"What brings you here, Four?" Eric asks him. I can feel how his body tenses.

This is so awkward. Why is it so awkward? They live in the same apartment, I practically live there, too. I guess we rarely all three spend time together but still… "I told Four I owed him a coffee," I jump in. "Because he's been letting me use his computer. He has much better photo editing software than I have." Eric nods curtly but the tension doesn't dissipate. "Uh, tell me what you'd like, Four, I'll go make it," I offer.

As I make Four's drink, I keep glancing back at the guys. They both look unusually stiff. Watching them, it feels as though something is not right, like I have done something wrong, something that is causing things between these two roommates to be uncomfortable. And I know it's my friendship with Four that is that catalyst… at the same time, I can't imagine not staying friends with him, either. We aren't doing anything wrong, though. Eric will see that. He has to.

I hand Four his coffee with a smile. "Thanks, Tris," he says warmly, flashing me the boyish grin I'm so used to seeing from him. Out of the corner of my eye, I see Eric frown.

"No, thank you, I've really been enjoying that software! I'd never be able to afford that on my own computer."

"It's nothing," he shrugs. He reaches into his bag for something as he says, "oh, Tris, I thought you might be hungry. When I was grabbing myself something from the dining hall to eat on my lunch break, I got you a sandwich."

He hands me a little clear to go box; inside is my favorite kind of sandwich- turkey with bacon, swiss, tomatoes, and chipotle mayonnaise. "Thank you for thinking of me," I say as I accept the sandwich. I appreciate his thoughtfulness much more than I am showing, but Eric sitting there staring at us is making me really nervous.

Four nods, glancing at Eric quickly and then biting his lip. "I should be going. I'm teaching a class in fifteen minutes. See you later, guys." Four hurries out of the cafe, but the awkward feeling in the air is as thick as ever.

Four disappears out the door of the cafe, starting across the street toward the Dojo, and I look back to Eric. I sit down and begin to sip the coffee drink Lauren had delivered while I was behind the counter making something for Four and I open the box my sandwich is in. As I take a bite, Eric speaks up. "I didn't know Four worked right across the street." I just barely hear a hint of accusation in his voice. I internally roll my eyes. He works with Four's girlfriend, they even have nearly identical schedules each week. So what if Four works nearby? But I just nod.

Either I imagined the edge in Eric's voice, or he has decided to let it go. "Well, I just wanted to tell you that I was sorry about this morning," he says, and I feel tension disappear from my shoulders as I flash him a genuine smile. No, he isn't perfect, but no one is, and he admits it, at least some of the time. "I guess these tests I have coming up must be getting to me or something. I'm off tonight; what do you want to do?"

I set the rest of the sandwich down and turn toward my boyfriend to give him my full attention; I can finish the sandwich later, I have a ten minute break to squeeze into the last couple hours of my shift. "Hmm, I don't know. Maybe we could play a game or something?" I've always loved board games; Caleb and I used to play them all the time, though he always beat me. Eric and I tend to be more evenly matched. We don't play games together very often, but I usually have a good time when we do.

Eric nods and smiles at me. "Sure, whatever you want, babe," he says. Then he stands, grabbing his leather jacket off the arm of the loveseat. "I should let you finish eating and get back to work. I'll see you at home." He leans down and brushes his lips against mine, then heads out the door without glancing back.

When my shift is about to end, Four walks back into the cafe. I raise my eyebrows. "You know I only offered you one free coffee, right?" I joke.

Four gives me a lopsided smile. "Just one? Darn." As I take off my apron and walk to the time clock, his face turns more serious. "Hey, I actually wanted to talk to you for a minute."

I bite my lip. Eric is expecting me back. Then again, he is rarely concerned with what time I expect him to come home; I can give Four a few minutes to chat, though I'm not sure why we can't do this back at the apartment. "Okay," I say slowly. "How about a regular coffee? Tori won't make us pay for that." He nods, and once we have both added whatever milk and sugar we each like, we settle into a couple of overstuffed armchairs. "So… what's up?" Somewhere deep down I know what he wants to talk to me about, and it makes me want to get up right now and walk out the door.

"I wanted to talk to you about Eric." Yep. I knew it. "Look it's just… sometimes the way he talks to you… I worry. I see how you react. I have a feeling it's probably worse when I'm not around." I bite my lip and stare down into my coffee, while Four just sort of stares at me. Eventually he lets out a deep sigh.

"Tris…" he says, and I look up at him. Something about the look in his eyes takes me aback. I can't identify it, but I do know that he's being genuine. "You can talk to me, you know. There are a lot of people who care about you." I roll my eyes. Eric's the only person who has cared about me for years.

Four's fingers wrap around my chin, forcing me to look at him. "I mean it, Tris. We all care about you. Please just… talk to someone if things get to be too much, okay?"

I've just felt frozen, paralyzed, through this conversation. It's a lot like I feel when Eric is yelling at me though this situation could not be more different. But what does Four know?! He doesn't know what the last few years have been like for me. He doesn't know how much it has meant to me, having Eric be there, that he stuck around, that he has never left me. No matter how depressed or angry or irrational I have been, Eric has stuck around. It's not like Four and Christina's relationship is perfect; who is he to judge me?!

"I don't know why you think he's so awful, Four. It's none of your business. I don't need you getting in the middle of my relationship with my boyfriend. He's my family, Four. I don't give up on people that easily. Thanks for your concern, I guess, but I can handle myself. It's not like he's abusing me or something."

Four runs his hand over his face and looks down. "Not all abuse is physical, Tris. You're my friend. I'm only trying to help. But I'll stay out of it from now on." Four grabs his jacket and stands, leaving his half-empty cup of coffee on the table. He looks at me and pauses. I think he's about to say something, but he doesn't. He just turns and walks out.

I get back to the apartment an hour later than planned. After Four left, I took a longer route home, I just needed to clear my head before I saw Eric. I can't seem to decide how I feel about what Four said; it's like I am having an argument in my head. One side keeps telling me that it's none of his business, that he has no right to judge us, that he's exaggerating. Then another side of me rolls its eyes and reasons that he really is just being a friend- that he cares for me and wants me to be happy.

He doesn't know about my life. He doesn't know about my family.

But he doesn't know, because I haven't told him.

The Dauntless building comes into view; I've been walking long enough. Forget Four, I'm going to go in and enjoy my evening with my boyfriend.

When I walk into Eric's apartment, though, he glares at me. "Where have you been?" he demands.

"Walking," I say simply.

"You were supposed to be back an hour ago."

I sigh. "I just needed a few minutes to clear my head, that's all." Eric scowls. "What's your problem, Eric?" I snap, the words flying out of my mouth before I have time to think about what I'm saying and the way I am saying it. I'm usually good about thinking before I speak, but my 'discussion' with Four left me flustered and short.

His eyes turn cold instantly. Well, they already were… but now they are colder. But for the first time, it doesn't intimidate me. I don't care if he yells at me. I just… don't… care. Not today.

"What the fuck is up with you lately, Beatrice?" he growls. "Where are you going all the time? It seems like I'm always coming home and you aren't here, and you don't text or call to let me know you have plans. Just how much do you think I'll put up with?"

"Put up with?!" My voice is sharp, maybe the sharpest tone I've used with him. "Fuck, Eric! Before I didn't have friends, I didn't go do things. Of course you always fucking knew where I was! What is your problem?! It's not like I'm doing anything wrong, and if you just texted me to ask, I'd answer and tell you what I'm doing. So what if i am taking photos with my friends, or hanging out with Mar and Shauna?"

"It's not just them and you know it, Tris. I've seen you with those guys, too. And when you go for runs, what are you doing for so long?! You don't seem very committed to me and this relationship any more. You never ask me before you make plans."

My mouth drops open. Ask him? Is he seriously telling me I should be asking his fucking permission to make plans with my girlfriends? So what if I hang out with Zeke and Uriah? I've done so without at least one of their girlfriends only once! They're my friends. Why shouldn't I spend time with them?

I storm into the bedroom to change out of my work clothes and he follows me.

"First of all, Eric," I hiss, "when have you ever asked for my approval before making plans, huh? It goes both ways, asshole." I pull off my coffee-stained top and am walking to the dresser to pull out a t-shirt. Eric grabs first one arm, then the other, making me face him. He's staring at my belly.

"When the fuck did you get that?!" He points at my belly button ring.

"Yesterday."

"And you didn't think you should ask what I thought about it?" Is he for real?! My mouth literally drops open.

"You have twenty-one piercings, twelve of which you have gotten since we started dating, and you have never once asked for my opinion on the matter, Eric. Did you ask me before you pierced your dick?! No. And that is a decision that arguably affects me, that if either of us should have an opinion-"

"You love that piercing!" he interrupts, waving his arms wildly.

I groan in frustration, then continue. "That's beside the point! You can't be seriously telling me that you have a problem with a damn bellybutton piercing." He scowls. "I don't see how it is any of your fucking business that I chose to get my bellybutton pierced. You are such a fucking hypocrite!"

"I think you should shut your smart fucking mouth about now, Beatrice." His tone is quiet, controlled, and dangerous. I don't care.

"I don't belong to you, Eric. I'm not your fucking possession. I-" That's as far as I get. I have never stood up to Eric like this before, and I really don't know what has come over me, but he is absolutely furious. His gray eyes are stone cold. He takes a few steps forward, so that he's now just inches from me, and stands with his back straight, glaring down at me. That familiar feeling of wanting to cave in on myself, to shrink until I am invisible, is creeping in. My whole body tenses, as though he has turned me to stone. My neck begins to ache slightly from the tension.

"Enough, Beatrice. Stop being such a bitch! Do you want to break up? Is that what you want? I've been here for you through all your bullshit for the last two years, Tris, and I think I deserve better than all this shit you're giving me now. I let you fucking live in my dorm room with me, I've been there for you while you had no one. Your own goddamn brother doesn't want a thing to do with you. Now you finally make a few friends and you're just ready to tell me to fuck off, huh? That's pretty cold, Tris. So if you want to end this, fine. Have fun living with Molly." I stand with my mouth hanging open, I don't know what to say. Everything he just said is true. Fuck… I really am being a bitch.

Eric chews on one of his lip rings and runs his fingers through his hair. "I'm going to study group," he mumbles as he slings his backpack over his shoulder. Study group? I thought he didn't have any plans tonight? I thought we were going to hang out? And now he has a study group to be at? He wasn't planning to go to a study group. Of course he wants to get away from me. He'd probably rather sit in the library all night than stay here in this apartment with me for one more minute, with the way I'm treating him. I search my brain for the right words, a quick but effective apology, but the words don't form quickly enough.

"I hope you'll either have gotten the hell out of my apartment," he hisses, "or decided to stop being such an ungrateful bitch, by the time I get back." I stare after him in shock as the door slams behind him.