Midnight by Tyler Glenn
God, where the hell are you hiding?
My hands are in the air, it's so exciting
I've been on the run, so I'm not coming Sunday
It's alright, I'll probably talk to you at midnight
God, I could never be like you
I can't change, I can't change and I don't want to
I've been on the run, so I'm not coming Sunday
It's alright, I'll probably talk to you at midnight
I'll probably talk to you at midnight
How does one know for a fact that God is real but have no faith any more? This was the question that plagued Castiel, Angel of the Lord, as he sat in the empty church struggling. He sat in the back pew, furthest from the statue of Jesus as he could get. He didn't feel clean enough to be here.
"Can I help you son?" came the comforting voice of the churches minister. Castiel looked up and he saw the pureness of the man in front of him.
"I…I've lost my faith." Cas said looking down in embarrassment. How does an actual angel loose their faith?
"Don't worry my son, you're not the first person in here to have that problem." the minister said gently sitting next to Castiel.
"But, I…how do you keep faith in someone who abandons you Father?" he asked the priest.
"And why do you feel like God has abandoned you?"
"Because he has Father, he has abandoned us all!" Castiel said a little louder then intended.
"I know it can feel like that at times my son, but God is never not with us."
"But…but theres so much evil in this world Father. So much he could change with just a snap of his fingers or the blink of his eyes." Cas carried on.
"Have you ever had children?" the priest asked and Cas looked up at him blinking in confusion.
"I…I don't see how that's relevant." he admitted.
"Before I joined the church I was married and I had three children, beautiful strong children who drove me insane on a weekly basis." the priest was smiling as he spoke.
"But as a parent I knew that their strong wills would help them in this world. Nothing could tell them what to do and nothing could stand in their way if they wanted something." he looked at Castiel and there was a sadness in his eyes.
"One became a doctor, moved to India to help children there. One became a stay at home mother, had two beautiful children of her own, but this was after she struggled with addiction and lost her way in the world. My third child, he also became an addict." he said.
"He struggled, my third child. He was addicted to anything and everything and there was nothing I could do to help him. Lord knows we tried. We sent him to rehab, we brought him back into our home so we could watch him constantly. But nothing helped. You see its not a parents job to fix all of their children problems my son. Some times you just have to stand there and let the bad things happen so that they learn." he said looking at Cas like he was hoping what he was saying made sense.
"So you're saying that God lets us struggle to make us stronger?" Cas asked.
"I'm saying no matter how much you love your children some times they need to make their own way in the world. I lost my son to his addictions but my daughter? She's strong and she made her way out. I didn't love any one of them more then the other and I knew that nothing I did as a parent could have saved my son's life. You can have the best parents in the world my son but some times life just makes you something, or someone, you never wanted to be. I think God is still there, watching over us and waiting to see if we'll learn our lesson."
"But why not at least let us know he's here? Show us some guidance? You must have at least tried to give your children guidance?" Cas asked frustrated.
"I did. And so does God. The Bible is our guidance." the priest said.
"The Bible is propaganda." Cas said cynically.
"Some of it is yes. But if you take it for its core meaning and not word for word then we have everything we need to make our lives good. God just wants us to be good to each other my son." the Father stood and patted Cas on the shoulder. "I have to go but you're welcome to stay for as long as you need. I'll come back if you wish." he offered.
"Thank you Father." Cas replied and bowed his head again. As the priest walked away Castiel sighed and scrubbed his hands over his face. He still had no closer answer then when he came here but something about the words the Father had said struck him.
Was God sitting back and letting them find their own way? Was he waiting to see if his creations would be successful or turn into addicts? Did he love them any less because he refused to interfere? He looked around the wooden church and sighed again. He had so many questions, so many times he had just needed a guiding hand. If God was still watching then he was a bastard.
"God, Father…I try, I really do. I think we all do, but you left us here with no instructions. How are we to guide and help humanity? Do we be gentle and let them make their own mistakes or do we take a firm hand and lead them down the path they can't see? And who guides us? Who takes our shoulder and puts us on the right path? Because Father I've been looking, I've been searching for that path and I can't find it." Castiel lowered his head again and there were tears in his eyes. So many years looking for guidance, begging for help and choosing the wrong path. Castiel was tired, he was tired and he was faithless.