"Up in Flames"
Lucawindmover
Chapter Ten
"Need"
Bellamy opened his eyes and immediately knew something was different about the room. It was darker than it had been and he realized that the Mountain people must turn the lights almost all the way off during the nighttime hours. That hadn't been the case back in their white room and he wondered if it was an attempt to give them a semblance of privacy while being all packed together.
Trying not to disturb Clarke, he leaned forward a little and untangled his fingers from hers, reaching to pull the sheet back. The rest of the room was in almost total darkness, only a few blue emergency lights were glowing in the walls, making it possible to see a path to the hallway. He couldn't see that doorway with the sheet in the way and he sighed, letting it drop back down.
As he settled back down, he hesitated, his arm hovering for a moment. It was one thing for him to allow her to pull his arm over. It was another thing altogether for him to do it on his own initiative. He wasn't sure what the difference was exactly, only that there certainly was one. He settled on draping his arm against his own side. If she woke up and pulled him against her again, he certainly wouldn't fight it.
He had no idea what their people must be thinking right now, knowing their two leaders were tucked away in a bed together with a privacy sheet. Raven had explained a few things to him in their short conversation, one of which was that if he and Clarke were going to get into any extra-curricular activities, they'd be best off using a bunk with a sheet. Bellamy had blown her off, telling her it wasn't like that. That his and Clarke's relationship was still as professional as it could be.
For two people about to have a baby together, anyway.
He didn't really want to think about the pregnancy but he didn't have a lot else to do. He'd always thought women were supposed to look pregnant right away, for some reason. Maybe that was his childhood mindset still firmly in place, he wasn't sure. But he'd always heard that pregnant women were supposed to have a glow about them, that they seemed happier than other people, that you could absolutely just tell by looking at them.
But as he watched her sleep all he could think was that Clarke just looked like Clarke. Maybe a little more tired than usual but normal, considering the circumstances. He couldn't just look at her and know she was pregnant.
Pregnant.
A horrible knot started to form in his throat as he thought that word. He'd been actively avoiding that word in his mind all day. But now, in the dark and quiet and relative safety of their little enclosure, there was nowhere for his mind to escape. Clarke had told him to think about happy things. What happy things did he have left to think of? He couldn't, for the life of him, find any sort of happy way for their situation to end. If they didn't get out of here, they were likely to live out the rest of their lives as nothing more than baby-producing machines. If they did get out, there were more than a dozen things that could go wrong, most of which would go wrong just to spite him, he was sure. There was no future in his mind where they could all just go off into the forest and live happily-ever-after with the children that they hadn't intended to have in the first place.
Without thinking about it, he nuzzled his face closer to the back of her head, breathing in the scent of her. There was a medical smell there that he was sure they all had, from the soap they'd been supplied with, but underneath that was a Clarke-smell that he didn't have a word for. Only that no matter how much grit and grime, no matter how much sweat or soap, that scent would persist.
"Did you just sniff my hair?"
Bellamy froze. Busted. He cleared his throat and pulled his face back from her head. "I was breathing. And your hair was there. Not sure I was sniffing it though."
Clarke groaned and stretched, forcing Bellamy to make room for her as she rubbed her eyes. "How long was I asleep?" she asked with a yawn.
Bellamy shrugged. "I don't really know. I fell asleep, too. But it was long enough to miss dinner. No one came and got us."
"What?" Clarke exclaimed, more loudly than she probably meant to. She leaned forward and pulled back the sheet, much like he'd done, taking in the darkened room and emergency lights with frustration. She dropped the curtain and flopped back on the pillow. Bellamy winced as she hit a nerve in his elbow and slid his arm out of her way.
"Ugh," she groaned, putting her hands over her face. "I can't believe this. Another delay. Now we have to wait until breakfast."
"One night isn't going to make or break this, Princess," he said, adjusting to give her more room now that she was on her back.
"You don't know that," she replied, dropping her arms down by her sides. "And every minute we spend here pushes us toward that stupid deadline."
"Deadline?" he asked with a raised eyebrow.
She locked eyes with him in the darkness and frowned and he got it. The pregnancies were the deadline. She wanted to be out of here before the babies were born. Well, probably well before they were born, considering that the girls wouldn't be fit for traveling in much more than a few week.
"Ah, right," he said and she nodded before pushing herself up to sitting and swinging her legs off the side of the bed.
"Where are you going?" he asked.
She glanced back over her shoulder. "To the bathroom."
"Not by yourself, you aren't," he said, leaning up on his elbows.
Clarke rolled her eyes. "Seriously. I can pee all by myself."
"I don't think either of us should be walking around in the dark by ourselves with Murphy and Anya out there. I don't take Harper's word for it that Murphy is safe and I haven't even seen Anya yet. Who knows what her intentions are."
Clarke pursed her lips and waited a moment, weighing his words. Finally, with an exasperated groan, she pushed the sheet up and stood, holding it open while he climbed out behind her.
"For the record," she said in hushed tones, her bare feet padding softly on the cold, concrete floor. "I really don't like this."
"Which part?"
"Currently, the babysitting part," Clarke answered, turning toward the bathroom when they got to the doorway. "But I guess it's just a little thing in the big picture right now."
Bellamy just shook his head as she headed toward the toilet stalls. He perched in the doorway, leaning against the doorframe with his arms crossed. He stared out into the dorm area, listening to hushed conversations that echoed faintly due to the high ceilings. From somewhere off to the left, he could hear the tell-tale sounds of a bed squeaking and didn't even bother to suppress a smirk. Apparently, since they couldn't get any more pregnant, some of the teenagers were still practicing their ability to be normal, horny kids.
He heard Clarke get to the sink and wash her hands. Looking over his shoulder, he watched as she grabbed a small, plastic cup from a stack and filled it from the tap. She tilted her head back, draining it pretty quickly before refilling it and turning back to him. She wordlessly handed him the cup and then crossed her arms, leaning against the wall next to him. He drank the water, his eyes back to roaming the dorms.
"I'm going to corner Jasper tomorrow and figure out where Anya is," Clarke said, nodding her head toward the open room.
"There's not a lot of places for her to hide in here," Bellamy ventured. "And she doesn't really seem like the hiding type anyway."
Clarke frowned, reaching up to rub a spot on her chest by her collarbone. She seemed to wince before crossing her arms again. "Yeah, that's got me a little concerned."
Bellamy felt himself wanting to yawn but he shook it off. He left to put the cup back by the sink and then touched her elbow, motioning for her to follow him back to bed.
He sank down on the side of the bed, holding the curtain back for her, but she paused as if reconsidering.
"What is it?" he asked.
Clarke turned her head a little, as if she were looking for prying eyes. "I'm just remembering what you said before and I'm wondering about what kind of example we're setting."
"What are you talking about?"
She sighed and sat down, letting the sheet fall. She was sitting closely enough that he could feel the length of her thigh pressing against his. Either she didn't notice or it didn't bother her because she didn't move so neither did he.
"You said that we were good leaders before because we were separate from each other. We didn't work too closely together."
"Yeah well that was before," he said, leaning back on his elbows so his face wasn't against the sheet while he talked. "We were fighting a war back then. People needed to know we were considering all angles."
"And now?"
"Now I think they need to see us united," he replied. "I don't mean that we need to be together or anything. We talked about claims and all. But I don't think it's going to hurt things anymore if they think we are."
"Are what?" she asked. "You mean if they think we're a couple?"
He shrugged.
"But we aren't."
"What I'm saying is that it doesn't matter. Whether we aren't or are or whether they think we are or aren't. That doesn't matter as much as—"
"Making sure we show them a united front. That we're not letting the situation distract us from what's important. Which is getting out."
"Right."
Bellamy shifted so that he was laying in his previous space and Clarke followed suit, laying on her back with her arms crossed over her stomach.
"When did you put all of this together?" she asked. "While I was sleeping?"
He shrugged. "Why does it always surprise you so much that I actually think about things?"
She laughed softly, reaching up to adjust her shirt and rub the same place that seemed to bother her earlier. "Mr. Act Now, Ask Questions Later?"
"I thought I told you to lay off on the nick names," he mumbled. "And what is wrong with you right now?"
"Huh?"
Bellamy gestured to where her hand was still rubbing the muscles of her upper chest. "You keep doing that. You okay?"
Clarke seemed to notice what she was doing for the first time and she paused before dropping her hands down by her sides again.
"Symptoms," she said with a sigh, as if she didn't really want to be admitting to it. "I'm sure you already noticed how much bigger my boobs are."
"I hadn't actually."
She raised an eyebrow. "How could you not? They're huge. And they're sore, which I guess is why I keep rubbing my chest."
He wasn't sure what to say to that so he just stayed quiet.
"You really couldn't tell?"
Bellamy sighed and propped himself up on his elbow again so he could see her face better. "Back when we were in the white room, we saw an awful lot of each other," he started. "And there was a purpose for it. Things had to be done and they were done, but with the least removal of clothing as possible. I kind of just took that as a sign."
"A sign of what exactly?"
"That seeing your…breasts…or whatever was intimate, more intimate than the situation called for. So no, I didn't notice. Because I wasn't looking. Because I didn't think you really wanted me to."
She was quiet for a while, searching his eyes for something. He wasn't sure what. He felt a little too raw right now, a bit more open than he'd meant to be. Honesty tended to have that affect. But he knew that part of the reason he and Clarke worked so well as a team was because they could be honest with one another. It was in those times that they weren't honest that they met their biggest obstacles.
"Let me have your hand," she said finally, reaching for him.
He frowned. "Why?"
"Do you trust me?" she asked, her eyes still pinned to his.
He nodded and didn't fight it when she took his hand and slipped it underneath her shirt. She cupped his hand around one of her breasts and he could feel his jaw clench.
"See how there's not a lot of give?" she asked as she pressed his fingers tighter. There was still the fabric of her sports bra between his fingers and her flesh but that didn't keep his throat from going dry. "That's how I can tell they're bigger. And here," she said moving his hand farther up between the tops of her breasts and her collarbone. "Is where I'm sore. Muscle strain, probably, since this is happening a lot faster than it should be."
Bellamy took a breath and pressed his thumb down along the muscle she was complaining about. Clarke sighed and he did it again, smoothing a line across her chest, easing that pain as much as he could. Seeing her relax under his touch gave him an idea. She had helped him once before. He was determined to return the favor.
He pulled his hand out from under her shirt, holding on to the edge of it. Her eyes popped open, a question clearly written there.
"Do you trust me?" he asked, mirroring her words from before.
After just a second of hesitation, she nodded. She leaned up enough for him to pull the shirt over her head before laying back down against the pillow.
Without the shirt in the way, he had more leverage to work with. He went back to those sore muscles, using the calloused pads of his thumbs and the palms of his hands to press against her flesh, alternating between lines and circles, careful not to put too much pressure in the places where he could feel her ribs.
Clarke's eyes rolled back in her head and her shoulders relaxed as he continued to massage her aches away.
When he wasn't being watched, he couldn't help the way his eyes roamed over how her nipples clearly strained against the fabric that contained them, over what he knew would be the soft skin of her belly, still flat despite what he knew was taking place within it. She had a freckle next to the dip of her belly button and he found himself wanting to kiss it, to kiss all over her, knowing without a shadow of a doubt that every inch of her had to be as sweet as her lips.
But he reminded himself that this wasn't about sex. It wasn't about his body's physical reaction to being so close to her this way, despite the need he felt burning through his belly. This wasn't about giving in to his baser urges. He wanted to be better than that. He wanted to exercise the free will that they'd been denied before. He wanted to show her that he could be altruistic too, if he needed to be. If she needed him to be.
"So that is basically amazing," Clarke mumbled and his eyes went back to hers. They were open now and if she'd know he was looking at her shirtless body, she didn't comment on it. "Would it be asking too much for you to get my back too? If I rolled over?"
He moved his hand back and motioned for her to roll over. She did, tucking her arms under her pillow as she did. Bellamy felt himself frustrated by the low ceiling he had to work with, doing his best to kneel so he would have both his hands.
"Just the upper part?" he asked, running his fingers along her shoulder blades.
She sighed at his touch and he could feel her relaxing under his hands, letting go a little more than she usually would. "Yeah. That's where it's the worst."
Her bra was in the way but it didn't have a clasp. He figured it must just pull over. He did the best he could, working his fingers under the edges of the fabric where it was necessary, pushing and teasing the muscles beneath him. Clarke continued to sigh and make small sounds of approval as he worked away her aches and pains. For him, it was a very small thing to do, helping her like this. She was the one who would really be doing all the work, growing a person. The least he could do was offer her a little peace along the way.
He wasn't sure how long he'd been at it before he noticed the goose bumps along her shoulders. She was starting to get cold and, from the sound of her breathing, was almost asleep again. He stopped and reached for her shirt.
"Feeling better now?" he asked as she lifted her head, turning sleepy eyes in his direction.
"So much better that I'm almost embarrassed to admit it," she mumbled. She took the shirt and slipped it back over her head before rolling to face him. "Seriously, though. Thank you."
Bellamy shrugged and reached down to their feet, pulling up the blanket that they hadn't bothered to use earlier. "You helped me before. Consider this me paying you back."
She smirked and tucked the blanket under her chin. "So that's what the trade-off is?"
His eyes went wide at her insinuation but she just laughed.
"I'm teasing you," she said, followed by a long yawn. "I'm not actually keeping track."
"And this is all we need. And this is where we start. This is the day we greet. This is the day, no other."
Vienna Teng "Level Up"