So I know I have not replied to any of the reviews but I really have time issues at the moment and when I do have time I try to write the new chapter, but every review I get puts me over the moon and I read it over and over again, this chapter is a bit of a reflective one but I felt it was necessary at this point, I hope you guys enjoy it, maybe even enough to leave me a review, I'm so not above asking for reviews

Baking, that's right, when in doubt…bake! And I was baking up a storm in here: I had baked three pies, four loaves, two batches of muffins, two batches of cookies and breadsticks. That's when I know I should stop; when I reach breadsticks, no one makes home made breadsticks.

So I took a deep breath and looked down at my clothes that were covered in all sorts of ingredients, as I had not bothered to put on my apron. Great. I looked up at the clock to see that it was almost 4 am and couldn't help but sigh, I had hopes that I could bake my issues away till I was too exhausted to think about anything, but here I am standing in my kitchen nowhere near tired, needing a long shower and to top it all off I felt like my mind was not my own, like it was selling me out or something. Ugh!

I had all these memories rushing back to me and I didn't know what to do with them or how to translate them into feelings, choices or actions. I needed someone, a friend; I needed someone I could trust without watching my back every minute, I required someone to act as some kind of cathartic medium to take me from this state of loss, pause and shock to the state where I desired to be. Which brings me to the real question; where do I want to be? I could tell you in a heartbeat that I want peace, comfort and resolve, but who doesn't? I just didn't know how I wanted these feelings. In which form…

Usually In these situations my mind would spontaneously go to Felix and I would have him on the phone before my mind had time to even process the decision, I had always been able to bounce all of my thoughts, musings and contemplations off of him like I were talking to myself. Felix had never given me a reason to hesitate to tell him anything, no matter how perverted or mean it was, until now of course. I had no idea where our friendship would go from here but I just hope that I could get over his selfish behavior because I knew deep down that Felix was a good person through and through, and had always been my ally no matter how rough things got. But right now I had bigger fish to fry, and contemplating the whole Felix situation now was just a means of stalling and postponing the real issue. Eric.

Eric. What is there to think through? If I had enough common sense for my own good I would cut off all liaisons and attachments to both Felix and Eric and start afresh just like I had attempted to a year ago, which made me wonder; how did Eric find me? But I would file that question away for later. But I knew that making a run for it at this point would only be running away from events and issues that would come back to bite me in the ass later, just like they had this time. I had always found assurance and comfort in running away, I was never too fond of taking problems and obstacles head on. Running away just always seemed so appealing not to mention easier. But however I denied it, I knew that running away, throwing myself into work, keeping myself occupied and running myself ragged only to suppress all my thoughts and feelings was the cowards way out. And as much as that seemed familiar, far too familiar, I just couldn't do it again; it had already taken its toll on me and had pushed me off the edge of sanity, so enough was enough.

This is one of those moments in life where I would love to say 'I need a drink' but that never really did it for me, and had never really been my thing. Fantastic. I couldn't even drink my problems away temporarily or something, that's just sad.

Thinking of the position I am left in now, the wise option would be to talk to Eric, that's right, I would talk to him; we would talk this shit out once and for all, so to speak. We needed to communicate (something we had failed to do sincerely during our relationship).

I was not ready to have Eric in my life in anyway at the moment, but that didn't mean that we didn't need to understand what had happened, we both needed to understand each others thoughts and motives, we both needed to reach some kind of resolve so we could get on with our lives. Normally I wouldn't even think of communicating with him, ever again. But I don't think I could let it go, I just wanted to find anything to muffle the pain of the loss of my baby. I was well aware that there was nothing Eric could say or do that will make the pain and emptiness go away, I knew that I will never live to see the day I could forget this crisis. But I needed to understand so that I could get along with my life. And Eric needed to know how much hurt and pain he had caused me, how much his actions cost us both, not only because of how much I loved him and how much he disregarded all of that but because this was no longer about me and him, it was so much more than that now, so much bigger.

I wanted to wait it out, I wanted to give myself sometime to…to get ready to see him, I didn't want to be caught off guard I wanted to be on top of my game when I met Eric again, I wanted my emotions to be well kept and my reactions to be intact. But I couldn't wait; I was never one to be fond of waiting when the situation was so…tense, even if it were not so tense I had no patience.

Then I thought should I be the one to initiate our contact? I mean shouldn't he be as eager to explain himself and hear me out just as much, possibly even more? But then again I had asked him to leave, I had asked him to give me the space I needed, if I knew anything about Eric it was his fear of initiating…anything. I didn't care much for how much he had issues now as much as I cared about the smartest and most subtle way to handle this. I would be making that phone call. Now.

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I had been driving around for hours now, I had no Idea what the time was, I didn't even have a clue where I was and frankly I didn't even care. My mind had been going from completely blank to complete thought overload in the matter of seconds. I was incapable of reaching any palpable decisions. I had come to one decision though, it was more of a concept really; I would not be leaving Louisiana until we worked through this. I just could not run away anymore, nor did I think I wanted to; running away from Sookie had caused so much damage, more than I could ever fathom.

I wanted to fix this, if not to have Sookie back but to help her heal, to help her reach the harmony and peace of mind she deserved. I was not stupid or callous, I knew only too well that what I had done was beyond the point of fixing, I could not take it back, I could not bring back our unborn child, I could not take away all the heartache and despair my actions had caused her. I could however help her, be there for her in any which way she needed me to be to become the happy, lively and vivacious Sookie I had known for so long. I had taken that away but I would do everything I could to give it back to her.

I didn't know how it was possible to hurt someone you love the way I had hurt Sookie, I didn't believe what I had done. Oh God.

This time around I would do it her way, keep to her rules, follow her lead when she wanted me to and take the lead when she needed me to, I would be whatever Sookie wanted me to be. Yes, even if she asked me to walk out of her life and let her be I would do that for her, but not before I put in my penny's worth.

Most importantly I would become an open book to Sookie, I would let her strip me of all the layers of crap and disarray that surrounded me to reach and find what she had sought after for so long only to have me shut her off, Never again.

I know all of this was easier said than done, I know that I had only scraped the surface with reaching the resolve to change for Sookie, but I had every intention of doing all I could for this, all the loss that had befallen Sookie and I was the jolt I needed, or rather deserved, it was the wake up call that came too late.

Now there was one thing to do, go to Sookie. That is how I found myself driving towards Sookie, her pull on me would never cease to amaze me.

I was pulled out of my state of reverie and rambling by my phone ringing, I really didn't want to talk to anyone now, I didn't need to be bothered with anything now, I was in my own bubble, but my eye caught that it was not a name I had registered on my phone but a number. I knew it could only be Sookie.

"Hello?"

So….?