CHAPTER TEN: All We've Ever Been

Recommended Song for this Chapter: Anchor by Novo Amor

Tonight was different. Cristina could feel tension in the air tonight. Owen had waited for a couple of hours for her to get out of surgery but it had run long, so he went back to the trailer alone. She sent him an apology text right before she scrubbed in on her last case of the day and hoped he would not be mad. She had to shake herself- this was Owen, not Burke. She didn't have to worry about him being mad or punishing her when she got home. No, she was just terrified to disappoint him and that was somehow more scary than with Burke.

My dear…

She sped home on the bike, groaning at her inevitable helmet hair. The roads were clear luckily and when she finally reached the top of the hill, the sun was disappearing behind the mountains.

All we've ever been…

"Owen?" She swung her leg over and looked around. His truck was here, but the light in the trailer was out. Could he be sleeping? "Owen?"

"Cristina?" Owen appeared behind her. She nearly jumped out of her skin.

"Damnit, you scared the crap out of me."

I went in circles somewhere else...

"Sorry." He smiled boyishly. She scowled in response. "I was on a walk with Shepard."

"You and Derek went walking?" She snorted at the image.

"Hey- I have friends." He laughed.

"Yeah yeah. Anyways. Sorry I took so long. Carev took forever on his kid's shunt so I got behind."

"It's okay." He said and she found no reason to doubt him.

He pushed open the door of the trailer and let her slump on the sofa. He ducked under the divider to the bedroom to change clothes. Cristina fiddled with the drawers under the cushion. A lot of Owen's random knick knacks rolled around inside them. Pulling one open, She spotted his dog tags and his old deck of cards. And in one drawer a piece of paper. Looking behind her, seeing that Owen was still out of site, she picked it up. It was an ultrasound. She knew exactly what it was of. Her eyes immediately filled with tears and terror flooded her. She shoved it back into the drawer and shut it quickly.

All we've ever been...

"So are you hungry?" Owen said coming back. "I bought some salmon. I can cook that up real quick."

"Yeah sure!" Cristina said in far too chipper of a voice.

"Okay." he said slightly suspicious. He pulled out the pan and stood over the tiny stove.

Cristina burst into tears. Overwhelmed by the image of him here. He wanted a big family. A big house. How did he end up in this trailer with her? Her body shook beyond her control. She couldn't hold it in anymore.

"Cristina!" he said rushing to her side. He pushed back her hair and attempted to wipe away her tears. "What's wrong? What-"

"I'm sorry. I'm sorry." She said hysterically. "I'm sorry, Owen. I'm so sorry."

"Sorry?" Owen breathed "For what?"

"For-" She ripped open the drawer and thrust the photo into his lap. She immediately tucked her hands under her legs as if she could stop herself from bringing him pain. As if their pain worked that way.

I hear your storm is coming in...

"Oh, Cristina." He said looking down at the photo. He moved away from her, holding it to his chest away from her view. "I didn't- you- I didn't want you to see that."

"Why? It's mine." She sniffed. "I mean- It's my fault."

"Fault? It doesn't work like that, Cristina." Owen said crumpling the page slightly in his hand

My dear, all we've ever been...

"Doesn't it?" she sniffed as more tears leaked from her eyes "It was me. Not you. That's why you can keep it in your drawer."

"I…" he tried to protest but he just found himself looking at the picture again. He was embarrassed, ashamed. "I probably shouldn't have kept it." He walked back towards her to put it back in the drawer. Cristina literally recoiled as he approached, afraid to be near the paper. She stood up and moved away from the sofa all together.

Talk to me, love…

She wiped her eyes furiously. "I'm sorry, Owen."

"You don't need to be sorry. It's- it's in the past."

"But you still have the picture. You still think we'll have one- unless you're just torturing yourself."

"I'm not- It's- It was on impulse. I don't ever look at it, but it's like- I like to know it's there." Owen said quietly.

"Why?" Cristina said crossing her arms her voice still shaking. "Why would you want to be reminded-"

"Cristina…" warned Owen. "I don't want to talk about this. I'm sorry you found it, but-"

"I want to know." she argued her voice cracking.

You went in search of someone else...

"It's- yeah it's a painful memory but it can be a happy one too. I know you never thought of it as… a baby-" he whispered the last part. Cristina bristled more tears falling down her face. "But it was an important part of me. It will always be ours. Can you understand that?"

"You want a family."

"Cristina-"

"You want more."

"Cristina-" he raised his hand to signal her to stop "If you try and break up with me I'm going to lose it."

"You want a family!" Cristina plowed on shaking from head to toe "I've seen how this goes, Owen. Five years- ten years? Maybe I'll give in and give you a child and it will drive a wedge inside me. Please, Owen."

"Cristina. I don't need a baby. You're my family. The only family I need." Owen replied with a rising tone of desperation.

"Owen…"

"I don't know how I can convince you. But I'll do anything. Anything not to lose you again."

She hugged her body retreating from his beseeching figure.

I hear your ship is coming in...

"You say it now."

"Cristina-"

"You say it now but you'll want more from me."

"Cristina-"

"We get comfortable, Owen! You start thinking that maybe I've changed enough that I could be convinced- but I'm sorry. I can't do that."

"You think those months… I was not comfortable."

Cristina said nothing. Her back sliding against the cool wall of the trailer until she was on the floor. His voice pulled her like an anchor.

"Cristina- please. I need you to understand." He approached her, sitting on the arm of the sofa looking down at her "I knew you didn't want a child. I knew that. I never tried to get you pregnant, but when you did-" his voice caught for a moment but he pushed through "I just thought that maybe we had a chance for you to truly consider it. I was wrong for thinking that- I was hurt because I thought you hadn't considered my dream. That you didn't know that we could do it. We could have made it work. And I don't want you to feel bad. That's not what I'm trying to do. But- Cristina? Please- do you understand?"

Anchor up to me, love...

Cristina stood up from the wall, now looking down at Owen, she placed her hands on his slumped shoulders.

"I imagine it. I imagine it all the time. Our child would be so like you. He would grow up to be a great surgeon and make us both proud…" This was torture to admit and torture to vocalize. It was like making it more and more real. "I try to make myself want it every day. Believe me- I knew what I was sacrificing. It's a beautiful future. It's just not mine."

Owen met her gaze, eyes sparkling with unshed tears.

"But it can be yours." Cristina whispered.

Anchor up to me, love...

This time Owen said nothing just wrapped his arms around her waist and pulled her in. With his face buried in her neck, he said clearly, "Not without you."

So here they were. Bumper cars on a collision course. Cristina wanted to believe him. She wanted to believe he could be happy but she had a sinking feeling in her chest imagining him growing old with her and looking at a thirty-year-old ultrasound photo and hating her. And somehow that was more painful than the image of him with another woman and three screaming children and a big house with a big yard. She pulled him off her and kissed him with every ounce of everything she had left. She could practically hear their time winding down in the background.

Anchor up to me, love...

my love...

Thank you for reading!

I love reading all your reviews 3