Chapter 10: Eat, Love, Dream
Dear Aaron,
We both had our doctor appointments. Yours was shots and a checkup again, not in that order. You are doing so well, little bug! You're a roller, at least to one side so far from your tummy. You like to use the weight of your head to go to your left side and end up on your back. To me, that's good news. I was a little worried with SIDS, but you can get yourself on your back if you end up on your tummy now. You are out of that higher risk window.
You are three months (four) and weigh fourteen pounds. You need some tummy time now daily. The doctor said are perfectly healthy and well fed. You smile at everyone still and haven't changed much except a bit more blonde fuzz on your head. I hope will look like hair at some point.
Jack wants to trim it now but it's easy to brush down and fix, making it look like hair. He calls it a baby comb-over and gives me a look that makes me laugh when I do it. My favorite time to fix your hair is bath time. You love baths and peeing during them. I have to cover your little bottom half with a washcloth to avoid a fountain when you first hit the water.
I bathe you in a baby bathtub inside the bathtub. It sounds weird but works. I kneel inside of it and wash you since it's big and I'm small too. Jack joins us for bath time to watch. He waits with a bath towel to dry you off, diaper your clean bottom, feed you and then read to you in the gliding rocking chair. It's the routine we've established. You are asleep by the time the bottle is gone.
You are tucked around 8 p.m. and then we have the evening to ourselves, which is productive or lazy depending on our moods.
My doctor appointment was no surprise to me. I saw Jack's family doctor, Dr. Rick Kensington. He and Jack go way back and seemed to consult over my results with me in the room. Great. I felt like they needed to give it to me in layman terms with some of the lab acronyms they tossed around and had to remind them I was still there. Jack seemed fascinated. I think he misses practicing medicine to be excited reading a lab sheet. I know he cares though. I had a fasting blood draw two days prior to my appointment.
I need to increase my muscle to fat ratio, as I suspected. That means I have to see a nutritionist. There's a big potential problem with my potential bone density and reaching peak mass by my late 20s or early 30s, so I need to find a balance.
I know exactly where the fat is in my body and it's mostly sitting in my bra. I'm at 12%, lower than I thought. Dr. Rick said to cut back on exercise and come back monthly for testing. I am under my pre-island weight of 120 pounds, so I need to gain weight. I must have lost more with the stress, rescue and aftermath. Maybe it was the mango, water, or just water diet the last few days there.
If I sat and drank milkshakes until I reach that goal, there's calcium and fat, but loads of sugar. I know that's not realistic but it would really taste good. I have to maintain it after I gain it to keep my ratio stable and female cycles.
Jack's concerned. He had a lot of questions, as I did. His was around resumption of my cycle, fertility and how long would it take to get me back on track. This is assuming I follow instructions so I don't jeopardize my fertility long-term. The doctor said it can be a matter of months, give or take. I can get pregnant sometime after I resume ovulation and periods. I need to start a proper diet with fats and to gain weight immediately due to other complications like risk for osteoporosis and heart conditions if I don't get on top of it.
It looks like Jack has a new project since he took copious notes, got referrals for nutritionists and my next appointment is set with Dr. Rick. The doctor also suggested talking to the nutritionist about hiring a cook temporarily to make a menu with me or us and show how to add items to regular dishes to increase the healthy fat content.
Jack asked if there's a medical-grade scale that will measure body fat accurately. The doctor recommended a high-end scale but doesn't trust them yet for accuracy. He recommended an office medical grade scale. He told Jack to use the skin caliper tool that pinches my skin to gauge percentage and also a sewing tape measure to measure key parts of my body.
He gave him several copies of a graph of the female body with lines for where to measure me to start doing measurements at home weekly. I wouldn't be surprised if Jack had the skin caliper and tape measure in his home doctor kit within the next day or two and an office weight scale in the condo within the week. Project Fatten Up Kate. The emphasis is on healthy "Fat" for me. Jack has a new project now.
Dr. Kensington is also putting me on the regular pill. He said once I resume normal cycles, it will be effective in helping regulate it. He said the estrogen would help with the low body fat right now. I had normal cycles before. I'm sure it will be fine sooner than later. He gave me directions when to start them.
We also discussed stress. Wait! Let me clarify that. Jack discussed my anxiety attacks, I didn't.
Jack prescribed Clonazepam for me in Sumba. Dr. Kensington recommended the half-dose of .5 mg, not 1 mg Jack got me, so a half-pill at most. He also recommended filling it again in the States. He didn't know which pharma made the pills we got overseas or the quality.
Dr. Kensington agreed as a PRN or "as needed" medication but said if anxiety and anxiety attacks consistently happen to put me on a SSRI or "anti-depressant" like Lexapro, Zoloft or Prozac.
Hell no! I'm not depressed. They discussed pros and cons and left it at that. I told the doctor I don't want to take an anti-depressant. Dr. Kensington said it's just an option if needed if it becomes a regular issue. It will prevent those big panic attacks. In the meantime, the Clonazepam is okay but I am under no circumstances to use it if pregnant or if I suspect I am pregnant. There are bad contraindications for pregnancy including birth defects and miscarriage, especially first trimester.
He said once I am on the pill, I need to take the birth control as instructed daily. I will but only so I don't give Jack any surprises I know he isn't ready for. I don't plan on taking Clonazepam unless it's an emergency or Jack tries to force me. My definition of emergency and Jack's differ greatly.
I hate taking meds unless I just need something for a headache like Tylenol. I am glad Jack cares and is a doctor, but felt like a patient. He's supporting me, but was Dr. Jack supporting me, not my partner, boyfriend, future fiancé Jack. It's not something I can be mad at. It's his zone of comfort. The real issue is me and it's my body they were talking about.
It makes me feel weird since I rarely saw doctors growing up.
The doctor did a background history of my family. I filled it out beforehand in the waiting room. I don't have any big family history of anything that I know of except Wayne and his family are alcoholics, abusive perverts and Diane has cancer but I don't know what kind. I didn't put "perverts" on the form, just the medical information. I don't want to find out what kind of cancer she has, but Jack said we should know.
He wants me to see an OB/GYN to get screened for the cancers they look for. That means I would get mammogram and pap smear. I thought they didn't do those mammograms until you are much older. It made me uncomfortable and not just because of The Lie.
I haven't been to an OB/GYN ever. My Mom never took me. Nobody told me I needed to go. If I was sick, which was rare, I saw a doctor, and that's it.
We didn't have medical insurance. I might have through my Dad. I did get my broken arm taken care of at the hospital. I think he still covered me after they separated, but I still rarely was taken, not even for a fever. No records. No proof. The same went for Diane.
When I was a kid, Tommy and I were climbing an old swing set to the top bar. It was on his property. We liked to climb there and hang upside down for fun until our faces were red. It was a contest to see who could last the longest. We were maybe 8 or so. It was summertime. I had shorts and a t-shirt on. I tried to pull my body over the top bar to straddle it, then get both legs over while balancing.
When I was pulling myself up, I had my belly on the bar and my grip slipped. My hands were probably sweaty. I fell and a rusty screw ripped a big gash from my belly up my ribs and I was bleeding a lot. He was scared and ran to get his Mom. It hurt but I tried not to cry. His Mom used a wet cloth to dab it and took me home. It was a weekday morning so my Mom was off of work. She saw it and put me on the bed, pacing and debating what to do.
I remember Wayne's voice and their arguing while the long gash bled. I was laying in my bed and listening. Mom had left me with a clean dish towel. Instead of an exam or stitches, she washed it off. I don't know how the bleeding stopped, just that the dried blood got wiped and a damp towel was put over it so it didn't stick. I wasn't taken in for a tetanus shot either. I would have remembered that. I just remember trying not to cry. It hurt. I think Mom wanted to take me to the doctor but it didn't happen.
In hindsight, I think how risky and stupid that was. I could have ended up with tetanus, lockjaw and a bad infection. The family doctor could have looked at it. I still have a path of flesh toned scars that look like a sporadic, broken line down my right side. It's barely noticeable but I can see it starting on my ribcage.
I will never do that with my doodle bug. I won't go to the doctor for every tiny scratch, but he will get treatment he needs, checkups and I will keep him healthy even if I didn't have money and insurance. I would find a way to pay for it in installments if I had to. We are blessed though. He has a great pediatrician and another doctor at home.
Speaking of home, the condo is way too close to the hospital for Jack to put it out of mind. He's already formulated his own plan to go back to work, even though he doesn't have to. He's supposed to see the chief of surgery in September or October. He made a September appointment, no surprise. If he can get in a three-month program designed to reinstate physicians and surgeons on sabbatical or leaves, he can be doing consults and start practicing by early 2006. The program starts again in October.
He said he's lucky. He's been gone less than a year and can maintain his medical license so he doesn't have to see the board. It's an internal program to help him "dust off" his medical coat and be re-integrated and approved by his superiors and the administrative staff.
There are only a few hospitals in the country that offer internal programs to their own doctors like this. His eyes lit up when he talked about it. I'm glad for him to have a goal and something he feels passionate about. He doesn't have to work but it obviously is something he enjoyed.
I still haven't brought up my concerns about him working too much for us to be a family. It was an issue with his previous marriage and he said he has some control over it.
I feel like it would be putting the cart before the horse to talk about now. He hasn't shown that he would work long hours or not be there. He's been the opposite with his accompanying me or Aaron to doctor appointments, most social occasions with me, family time and alone time for us. I can't complain.
I'm enjoying him and a family life together. The privacy is the best. It's lucky we got used to being around each other 24x7 on the island. Some people date then can't stand being around each other 24x7.
We each do our own thing sometimes. He works out. I do but not as much right now. I meet with a nutritionist. I go see Carmen. He doesn't unless Hugo and David are there to hang out with. He doesn't go with me to see Nahid for my hair appointments either.
He has a barbershop he's gone to since he was a kid and plans to take Aaron there when he's older. We'll see. Nahid already has claimed Aaron's first locks but I don't want to take away the male bonding of the first haircut with Jack as Aaron's surrogate Dad. My deep hope is he will adopt him when we marry.
But, you know how I feel about hoping and wanting something. I don't want to be crushed if my expectations aren't met.
The chef comes to the house now to teach us how to cook meals we like and already know how to cook and add ingredients to fulfill my nutritional needs. His name is Franc with the "c" at the end. He told me right away. I smiled. I guess it's important to him. He's not French. He's very animated and makes cooking fun for me. He should have a t.v show. I mean it. I told him that and not to just flatter him. He was flattered anyways and said this was the right city for it and sighed dreamily. Maybe that's his deep hope or dream. He will teach us or me how to prepare meals that are easy to prepare that are not on our list and items to make for Aaron for when he starts trying solid food in a few months. He said baby food is easy to make.
He does extra for us now with the rapport we built quickly. Jack doesn't mind for once. Franc isn't interested in me that way. He has a partner but doesn't say anything unless I ask him. He thinks Jack's "a tall, cool drink of water" and whispered it to me when Jack was out of room. He told him he knows Jack's mine and said I'm lucky. He sighed at that and said "What a waste." It made me giggle. Franc's right though. Jack is a tall, cool drink of water and more.
I don't mind our chats as long as I'm learning, which I am, and we get our work done correctly, meaning me, and ready to serve on time. It's made me look forward to the lessons and the condo smells delicious by the time Franc leaves. He's worth every penny and more.
Speaking of meals, we are going over to the Reyes family's house. It's the largest to convene at and most comfortable. It makes me want to get a house even more to host them someday. Sayid and Nadia will be back. It's not a party so much as a low-key "welcome back" dinner.
The newlyweds will have a party here to celebrate with us and their other friends for the wedding. I am looking forward to both gatherings! I missed them both. I missed Nadia. I haven't known her for long but would like to know her better. She indicated that she and Sayid will start a family right away if possible due to age. She is 38 years-old, same as Sayid, and they don't have time to lose. They won't wait too long before going to a doctor, maybe in 6 months if she isn't pregnant by then. She hopes it works out the natural way.
If it was me, if I couldn't get pregnant, I would go with Jack to the doctor to have at least one child with him, but I am open to adoption too. There are a lot of babies and kids that need good homes in America. Also, thanks to my doodle bug, I found out I love being a Mom and look forward to each month and stage.
I already ordered a gift through a contact from Nahid for Sayid and Nadia. It's a customized "Name Canvas" of Islamic calligraphy that's personalized with their names. It's meant to last a lifetime, same as their marriage. Nahid said it's a beautiful choice. Even if they receive another, they can put them in different rooms because each design is unique. I really like Nahid. She's another straight shooter like Sun and cuts right to the chase.
Nahid said it's all about what you don't give versus what you give when choosing for a Muslim couple. There are a lot of restrictions in the religion that forbid some typical gifts Americans gifts. She seems pleased when I ask her questions, like advice about the gift. I also want to know about her and her family, food, kids, growing up and more.
I have a need inside of me to know about people I like or care about. There's no motive behind except understanding them better and finding ways we are similar. There's always some golden threads I find, some similarities, that tie me to a person, no matter how different they seem. It's a treasure hunt in a way and after the crash, I started to figure out it's something I enjoy starting with Sun. God I miss her.
She's doing fine. She settled in Korea. The baby is fine too. She had welcome back parties from friends of family and her family hosted one as well. They were formal and nothing like our gatherings. There is no giggling and attempt to throw girlfriends in pools. Men and women don't interact as much unless they are married or engaged in her social circle. It would make the woman look less appealing as a future wife to be speaking to married and unmarried men. She said there are too many rules but she wants Ji Yeon to know where her roots are.
Her mother has been very supportive. It has breathed new life into Mrs. Paik, who lived to serve her father, to now have a granddaughter coming. Sun doesn't mind it's a girl. She thinks her father wanted a grandson, which makes her more thrilled it's a girl.
She has a big bone to pick with him. Let's just say I wouldn't bet against Sun. She's full of surprises.
Sun also resumed her friendship with Jin's adoptive Dad, Mr. Kwon, a humble fisherman. She spoke to him and retired him out. He refused at first, but she offered a compromise for him and also said it is her filial duty to care for him as his daughter-in-law. Jin would agree. He was so sad to hear about Jin.
Mr. Kwon couldn't disagree because it is tradition, something he respects along with her high rank in society. He accepted her idea to own boats to rent to other fishermen as a small business owner and a nice, small home near the water she purchased for him to retire in. She hired a cook and maid to care for him for life. They will report to her weekly about his well-being as her employees. Mostly, she said, it's to intimidate them into doing well by him and show Mr. Kwon proper respect. If not, they will be fired.
Her family alone is enough to intimidate them to serve him well, but she wants to know how he's doing when she can't see him. She knows he will never come to see her despite any invitations.
Sun insisted no heavy manual labor unless Mr. Kwon wants to fish with a pole for fun. She wanted to pay for him to have assistants to maintain the boats. He said he can pay for them out of the business but she will follow up to make sure he has others doing the work and deposited funds for his business to pay employees and separate for his personal use.
She wants him to know his granddaughter Ji Yeon and to live a long life, comfortable. She wasn't ashamed of Jin's humble beginnings. Jin hid it. Mr. Kwon is a good person that raised a good son. He accepted her filial gifts, not just because of tradition but because he loves her and is proud of her. He calls her daughter, something that pleases her.
She can't tell her Mr. Kwon about Jin's fishing and bravery keeping them alive because of The Lie. He didn't survive the crash according to it. She said she wanted to tell him. She hoped that Jin would be pleased with what she has done. Jin told her father, Mr. Paik, his parents were dead when he asked for her hand, so it would be beneath Mr. Paik to acknowledge Mr. Kwon since the newspapers reported the same thing in their marriage announcement.
I am glad she is staying occupied and doing well. She isn't bed-ridden and still has a private plan in the works.
Jack is looking at galas and charity events for us to go to. He wants to network with his colleagues this year to keep his name out there. That meant I have to dress up big time and he wants to help choose them, as if I can't. This means I won't be able to surprise him. I don't think it's controlling as much as his version of eye candy.
The first one we will be attending is a month away. He wanted me to get my dress now in case I needed alterations later. If any, they would be to accommodate slightly more of me, but not much. I don't have to gain much more weight. What I have needs to be a different percentage mix. I hope it works out that way. I think the pill helped already because my bra is filled out, so much I may need to move a size up. I hoped that would count towards my fat ratio.
We went to nice stores specializing in dresses for galas and events. These are not wedding type stores with a side rack of prom dresses and dress-up dresses for women, weddings or not. These are stores that glitter from the time you walk in. There is rack after rack of color, glitter, sequins, stones, taffeta, lace, deep necklines, sleeves, sleeveless, no straps and more.
I was a bit overwhelmed visually. He insisted I bring high heels for the fit but wanted me to get new shoes just for the dress. If I liked more than one, I am supposed to get the second for the next event. I will settle for one "eye scorcher" today but don't like anything overdone or trashy looking.
I get a dedicated saleswoman. I think she is the manager. She's maybe in her early 50s, I can't tell, and has a practiced eye. We stood together as I tried not to show interest in anything yet. The stuff around me was not my taste. I don't care if it is stylish in L.A. or not.
Jack held my hand. She smiled, introducing herself as Susan and got our names. She asked the occasion we were shopping for. Jack told her it's a charity gala. She glanced us over and I can tell she is assessing us to figure out what kind. Jack is wearing a suit with no tie and I am wearing a nice skirt, heels and silk dress shirt with no sleeves. She smiled widely and has me come to the mirrors where there are leather recliners.
She asked my taste. I told her what I don't want and she asked me to be a little open minded. I might be surprised because I would look good in many styles.
She glanced at Jack. He looked eager to speak. I colored when I saw his face, not expecting him to look so enthused. I asked what he thought because he obviously had words ready to burst forth.
He wanted a full-length gown, to show my back, no sleeves, my hair partially swept up to show my back, and it to be timeless and elegant. It could be something a silver screen siren might wear. He wants something that compliments my eyes, hair and skin, maybe jewel tones with my green eyes that have the smallest flecks of hazel that can only be seen up close in the right light.
Wow. I could tell he had been thinking about it and may have had something in mind already. She said she would pull some dresses after measurements. They may not be identical to a "T" to his description but a combination of what we like and I would be a head-turner in a lot of things. Jack smiled with his happy Jack face and leaned back, putting his ankle over one knee and hands behind his neck, ready for the show to begin.
I had to stand on the block facing the tall mirrors that surrounded it at an angle as she measured my arms, bust, ribcage, waist, hips, bottom and had me put my legs together and measured the circumference. She complimented me on my figure.
I said thanks while imagining what monstrosities were coming my way. I had only seen garish colors and things I would never wear so far. She went to the far side of the store, away from the front, and looked through some racks of dresses. They were in clear dress bags. I turned and looked at Jack, putting my hands on my hips. He smiled, amused and challenged me. "Scared?"
I don't back down from words like that. I said no. Bring it on. She came back with bags that sparkled. They were more muted than what I had seen before. She shooed me into a large dressing room in the back and had me strip in front of her to my underwear and bra so she could put on the dress. She said she had one in mind she wanted me to try first. It was unzipped and I had to step into it. Once she zipped it partway up she told me to lose the bra. I didn't need the support.
She zipped and hooked it, then spun me around to take a look. It took a few seconds for me to take it in. It was breathtaking. It was sleeveless with a small dip right where my cleavage was but didn't show it unless I bent over. The top looked folded in a layer and had no seam line. The top of the dress dipped behind me, exposing my back to the waist. The front of the dress had hidden stays in the sides and front to keep it up. It was floor length, the shape of an upside-down lily, a shape I liked.
The top to the waist and slightly below had condensed detail that glittered. The top layer of fabric was sheer but appeared like it had gold, silver and green sequins that gathered a little in the front at my waist. There were small golden leaves sewn on that stuck out a tiny bit. It gave the impression of jewels and sequins from a yard away. The small pieces of pale green didn't detract from the gold and was more clustered near the top of my dress and along the edges of the top, then dispersed more and more until the bottom where it was only the gold and silver sheer material over the sheath. The leaves were dispersed past my waist and stopped by the time it reached my knees. The sheath under it was silk and the same deceptive color as the sheer. It looked gold, silver, platinum, bronze, green or all of the above depending on the lighting. It brought out my eye, hair and skin color.
My hair was already curled and pinned up. She rearranged it a bit, pulling a few curls down to show what it might look like. She stood back with a smile and said it's perfect. She may need to alter the length slightly to bring it up. The true test was walking and seeing if the top stays up without my arms being pinned at my sides. She could fix that too. She also had an evening wrap for my shoulders, a sheer one of the same material that matched it with the leaves and color. She asked me what I thought. I was speechless so far.
I looked at her and beamed, saying it was lovely, but the true test was Jack's reaction. I felt mischievous, knowing what it would be. He would want to peel me out of it if it's what he wanted, but I wasn't going to fool around in her dressing room.
I took a deep breath. It was snug but not too tight. I raised my arms too and nothing popped out. So far so good.
Now the litmus test.
I called out for Jack to close his eyes. I peeked out to be sure and she went out to see his reaction and to arrange it once I was on the stand, then backed off. I said, okay, and waited to see his face.
There are few times I've seen Jack Shephard absolutely speechless. This was one of them.
His mouth was partly open and eyes took in every detail. He had leaned forward, elbows on knees, hands on both sides of his mouth touching his cheeks. I turned around slowly for him and looked over my shoulder, dimpling, giving him "the look" I saved only for Jack.
He stood and stepped closer to gaze at me, then at the sales woman. "Done." He said and gave her his black AMEX. He asked if we could take it home. She smiled, catching his look and said it needed tailoring. Jack said it was a month away. She said bring it back at least seven to ten days prior to take up the hem and make any final adjustments. She would help me undress and bag it. I saw Jack's face fall at that. I knew he wanted to take it off of me there. I reminded her to add the evening wrap.
We were out of there in record time and on our way home. I reminded him I didn't have shoes for the dress and he said it didn't matter. We could get them later. He wanted me to put it on at home. I gave a half smile, biting my lip, looking at his tense body as he tried not to speed and restrain himself at the same time.
Aaron was with his Abuela Carmen and we had a few hours until we needed to be at her house. If he was in a rush, I wanted to make sure that he or I hung it carefully and it didn't end up in a floor pile like our other clothes did when we undressed each other urgently.
He paid $1,600 plus tax for the shiny dress without even looking at other options or the receipt.
We arrived at the Reyes' home after Sayid and Nadia. We were a little breathless and flushed. We were running behind. I had to fix my hair the way it was before we left to reduce Carmen's comments, not that it would help. Carmen has an eagle eye.
It was so good to see our friends. We hugged them and I traditionally kissed both. They were glowing. Jack asked Sayid how it felt to be married and he said it's the best feeling in the world. He clasped Jack's arm in a friendly manner and said he highly recommends it. I told Nadia I wanted to hear about it but are they rested enough? When did they get in?
They had just arrived and didn't have time to fill in anyone yet. We made it into the living room. Carmen came in with my little bug, more like a little pumpkin now that he's getting bigger. He recognized me and Jack from across the room and went nuts, smiling and talking. He was making baby noises but now was including sounds that has had a "j" and also a "k' sound. I thought it was too coincidental but his pediatrician said that was normal for all babies to start with those letters as they start to articulate around 3 to 4 months.
Jack went over and picked him up, asking if he was fed. Carmen said yes but looked at him, then me. She was suspicious and asked why we were out of breath and running behind. I pinked up. So did Jack. She started laughing and said no, don't tell her. It's okay. As long as she gets more babies like Aaron to play with.
I looked at Nadia with a raised eyebrow. She should be the next bearer of that gift for Carmen. She shook her head slightly to communicate not yet. I know they were already working on it though.
We were caught up on some highlights of their ceremony. All went as planned. Their families were thrilled to have them both married finally and to each other. They received wedding gifts but also gave generous cash gifts to their parents. The family homes were mainly together for each or side-by-side with the generations and patriarchal. It wasn't tradition for groom and bride to give, but they wanted to share and increase their standard of living if possible. Nadia's family had been well off but the Gulf War and aftermath had changed things in Iraq and Tikrit.
Nadia promised more stories and information. Sayid would print from home photos they and their family had taken she would put them in an album. She reaffirmed her promise to show me the steps they took and show me their family members. I was looking forward to it.
I told her Nahid sends her blessings and greetings then my eyes got big. I had to send Jack to the car to get their gift. I forgot to check if the Reyes family had one for them too. Jack had a tendency to make me forget everything, even with one kiss, much less the ravishing that I received after my dress was removed and hung as I requested.
The name canvas gift was more like a work of art and framed in window box style. The background was a beautiful, rich red. The lettering and calligraphy was in gold, engraved and mounted above the red fabric making it 3-dimensional. Their names were prominent at the bottom, "Sayid and Nadia." Above it was a mass of calligraphy in a design I can't describe. It wasn't quite round, but was a lovely design with swirls and loops and lines of different thickness and round areas. It was a piece of art except the design had words and meaning. Above it was a line of Arabic calligraphy in gold. The frame was thick, white wood, window box style with non-glare glass. It was large, heavy and sat in a gift box lined in red velvet, top and bottom, cushioned with foam to protect it and satin to cover it before closing the lid.
They had no clue what it was in the box. Jack handed it to them both. I said I hoped they liked it. We wanted to give them something traditional. They looked at each other quizzically, then Nadia untied the bow and lifted the lid. She covered her mouth with tears in her eyes. Sayid was touched, his eyes damp and pressed his lips and hands together for a moment before giving us a smile of gratitude. They thanked us and we hugged and kissed again. Nadia knew exactly where to hang it. She said they didn't have one yet and it means so much.
I will ask Nadia in secret what the calligraphy in the middle means someday when we are alone. Nahid assured me it was beautiful poetry but her written Arabic wasn't so good, unlike Sayid and Nadia who had it as a first language in Iraq.
I wish we had traditions like that, symbolizing marriage for life in addition to the rings, but enjoy learning about theirs instead. I decided we can create our own traditions since I have none to hand down to Aaron.
The dinner was fun and full of stories of Tikrit and their families. They didn't miss much here except Jack's plan and goal to practice medicine by early next year.
We didn't mention any of my medical results to anyone. I warned Jack not to tell Carmen I needed to gain weight. She would force feed me with a shovel.
When I told Sun about the medical results, she chided me to follow instructions. She has over three months to go before her due date. She didn't want me to end up not being able to have babies or have brittle bones and scolded me for not going earlier. I let her. She hasn't been one to cry over the phone with hormones. She is more like a tiger. I had told her my desire to find a house soon, something she encouraged. I wanted a big enough yard for things including a garden for flowers and food plants because of her and will call it Sun's Garden. She did get a little choked up but didn't cry. She said when I did, she can email a list of some zone appropriate plants for me if I want. I told her I would love that if she had time.
The men convened again outside but Sayid drank no beer this time. There was no alcohol in Tikrit since it was forbidden. It wasn't that he didn't drink beer, but he had been observant when he was there and wasn't ready. He did smoke a Cuban though with Jack, David and even Hurley. I think Hurley just puffs them though.
That left me, Carmen, Nadia and Aaron inside. Aaron eats more now per bottle and sleeps longer at night, sometimes all the way through. He was wide awake, making noises to Nadia and examining her hair. I hoped he would sprinkle baby dust on her too, same as Penny.
Carmen asked me how dress shopping was. I said fine. She asked what does fine mean? How many dresses did I try on? I told her only one, turning pink again.
She asked if we bought it. I said yes. She frowned and said what else did we buy? I would have frozen or shut down anyone else, but she is Ma Carmen. I am compelled usually to answer because there's no malice, only love and interest.
I said we bought nothing else, turning red.
For my benefit, she recounts I went dress shopping all afternoon with my Dr. Jack, bought one dress, nothing else, and hours later was late to dinner. We were maybe 10 minutes late at the most. I even called, but she didn't say that.
She appeared to calculate the time with her fingers and looked at me hard, commenting it must have been a very, very fun afternoon. Nadia started laughing, which got me going and Aaron laughed and cooed too. It made us laugh harder. I told Carmen. Yes. Yes, it was. Thank you for watching Aaron.
She seemed satisfied and said she will watch him anytime and to take my time too. She winked at me before asking Nadia when she was planning to have a baby. Carmen was relentless, but fun.
The party ended earlier than normal. Sayid and Nadia were still jet-lagged and we had to get Aaron home. I would be back with Aaron and maybe Jack soon. Carmen reminded us again about Hurley's birthday party in June. It was scheduled for June 11th and she didn't want any of us to miss it. It was a surprise party.
I was quiet on the way home. Jack was driving and took my hand, kissed it and asked a penny for my thoughts. I told him he would need more than one penny. He asked if I wanted to talk at home and I said yes, but don't worry. We got sleepy Aaron upstairs and to bed without his bath this time. He wasn't dirty and could take one the next day. He had his bottle, drank it all, and was out quickly.
I hung the dress inside the bag and put it in the closet to protect it and the gorgeous leaves that were sewn on. I felt like a princess in it. I don't ever recall having that feeling in the past. I just needed a crown.
I went to unzip my skirt and felt large hand behind me in the closet and his breath on my neck. I smiled and stopped because he took over, told me to turn around and slowly unbuttoned my blouse. Before he took it off, he offered to talk now or later. I sighed.
My body said don't talk. My mind said talk now because he would make me forget. It was a little angel and a little devil, one on each shoulder.
I stripped down to my panties only and took his dress shirt off of him. I put it on without buttoning it. He was in his typical boxers, which hung exactly where I liked them showing the v-line. I sighed again, or at least my body did, and gestured with one hand to the large lounge chair in his room. He sat on it and held his arms out. We've done this before. I sat on his lap, my head on the tall, soft arm rest on his left side and looked at him with my legs draped over the other arm rest. His hand rested on my thighs, the other played with my long hair. He liked that.
He asked me if I was happy living with him? I smiled, played with one of his shirt buttons on my chest and looked up and said yes. I reached back and pulled three pins out of my hair to be more comfortable and let my hair hang over the arm rest like a waterfall of dark, shiny curls. His hand stroked them softly. He looked at my body and me, enjoying the view and my face. His eyes settled there and his brows came together a little with a look of concern and love. He told me to talk.
I said he doesn't have answer everything tonight but I had a few things to take care of and wanted his input. A few were big and he needs to think about what he wants or doesn't want. I won't be hurt or offended based on our current relationship status. I understand what he's going through and am okay what he told me on Valentine's Day, that he needs time. I just need to take care of some business.
His eyes looked concerned, pupils dilated and I noted a frisson of fear in them, before he hid it. I told him I'm not leaving or anything. I am holding to his promise that he's mine and will officially be later, so if his brain tells him otherwise, tell it to shut up. I kissed him briefly and he relaxed a little. I laid back, looked up and sighed.
The smaller things are legal. I said I need to do Power of Attorney for my estate, Power of Attorney for my medical for me and guardianship for Aaron as soon as possible if something happens to me. Nothing is guaranteed. Today isn't. Tomorrow isn't either. We know that firsthand from the island. I need to make sure Aaron is taken care of by someone who loves him, that someone that has his back. I want him to consider these items, if he's willing to take on none, part of them, or all three and I need to know soon. If Aaron is too much for him to take care of alone, I need to know. I have to think future too. Longer-term.
I don't know what my future holds.
If he can do short-term with Aaron but not long-term, that's another option. If not at all, I need to confirm other options among our friends. I told him to not feel ashamed. I am glad he is pursuing work. His eyes light up when he speaks about it and I know he has a passion for it. It's the most excited I've seen him about something outside of home. It's a priority to him and I'm supportive of his goals and dreams.
It might be too hard to be a single dad if I "go away" for a short or long time and he needs to work to be happy. A tear crept out of my eye, then another and another, a slow drip. I wiped them with his sleeve that I rolled up.
I wasn't anxious or picturing bad things. It was hearing the words out loud and telling them to the man I love. I am giving him an out for things that are important to me, things I want to share with him including Aaron, but not if he doesn't want to. I would love him still. That part wouldn't change, but our paths would diverge at some point.
I didn't add that if we were married I wouldn't have to ask him this. He would already be able to take POA of me and could file for guardianship for Aaron as my husband if I died. He probably knows that. I won't lay that on his shoulders, the man who feels responsible for everything and everyone.
I won't be another burden to him. I want to be a free choice, one of pleasure and love. Aaron's a part of that package.
He took a deep breath and looked in my eyes. He didn't know what to say. I told him don't answer me. Think on it. Let's talk another time but I need to know these things to give me peace of mind on what will happen along with Will and Estate planning. It's been eating away at me.
Hurley's attorney is ready to do it. I just don't know what to tell him. I will love him regardless of his answer and I respect he's working through things personally and also planning to go to work if that's what he wants.
I added that I wanted to house hunt. We need a bigger place and I want a home with a yard, a fire pit, maybe a pool, a garden so I could plant things like Sun and I did, playmates for Aaron, good schools, other moms to learn from, and little parks for him play in with his friends. I want a house but I want him in the house with us as a family.
That's my priority. That's my dream. It's to have our little family under one roof. But we need to start planning. Now is a good time to look before schools get out. There is less to look at in summertime with people moving. It's something I want for us, something I never had; a stable home, nice things, household appliances that work all the time including the stove and fridge, a place I could invite family and friends. We could host parties and meals. He doesn't have to be the husband. He can be the boyfriend or partner until he's ready. I just want him there.
My brain wouldn't stop. A barrier dissipated inside of me and confessed to him for the first time that growing up I never had friends over. Not even one. I was too ashamed and afraid to. Wayne was drunk always when he wasn't working and I didn't trust his behavior whether mom was home or not. He wouldn't stop hitting us if there was anyone around. He would beat either of us in the yard or house. He didn't care what anyone thought.
I was playing with Tommy's sister's metal baton one day trying to balance it and he came out, beat me with it and broke it because I didn't hear him call me inside. He didn't. I was by the front porch. His brother was chief of police and the mayor was his brother-in-law.
I don't have to live like that anymore. I could have all the things I wanted growing up now. A safe, pretty home that people can gather at. A real family that loves each other.
The tears still fell stemming from somewhere deep inside of me. Then I found out why.
There was a small, 8-year-old Kate in my body that was confessing to him what she wanted more than anything. I felt her sorrow. I wanted to put my arms around her and say I got you, little girl. Things will be good now. I'll protect you. I didn't tell Jack that though. I was silent. I was silent because I need a home like that and never had one. Even my tears were silent. No sobs or deep breaths. Just release.
I didn't realize as I gazed introspectively that I wasn't watching his face anymore. I was looking at his buttons, playing with them as they lay along my torso. I saw a damp spot, then another. I frowned, distracted and looked at him. He had tears too. I made him sad. It hurt that I made him upset.
I wiped his tears with both sleeves and told him I'm sorry. I didn't mean to hurt him. I'm so sorry. He grabbed my wrists gently, then scooped me up and put me on the bed so softly I didn't feel it rebound. I just sank into it. He laid beside me and kissed my eyes and cheeks, then wiped them.
He said he was sorry. I shouldn't be. I've been so supportive of him and not complaining about his hesitation, why he can't propose yet, why is he so excited about getting reinstated but dragging his feet with us. He had more tears.
He said he forgot to ask me my dreams and what I wanted most. I deserved that house. I deserved everything I wanted and haven't asked for hardly anything. It's so little to ask while our island friends around us are marrying and having babies before us.
I tried to silence him. I said I know and it's okay. He stopped me. He said let's go house hunting for whatever I want as soon as I want. Tomorrow even. He can't give me everything today but we can start with that. He promised to think then talk to me about all of the legal stuff in a few days. Would that be okay?
I nodded. I couldn't talk anymore. I felt like I said enough for the night. I didn't know what to do at the moment or if I killed the mood. I sat up to kneel and take off his shirt to snuggle with him. I tossed it on the chair and went to lay on his chest.
He stopped me, sat cross-legged on the bed and had me sit on his lap facing him. I had to put my legs behind his back to do that and put my small arms around his neck. I thought he was going to speak or embrace me, but he was done with words too.
He kissed me tenderly, then more roughly, crushing my lips, which had instantly parted for him to meet, to taste, to pull each other in. My hands felt his hair, something I loved to do, and then I gripped it harder than usual between my fingers, causing him to respond more aggressively.
His body was telling me I was his and he wanted all of my pleasure that night.
In the early hours of the morning, as I drifted off in his sleepy embrace, a word drifted through my mind. Addictive. I don't know if I will ever be able to get enough of Jack Shephard. We would need several lifetimes and more together. Even then, that may not be enough for me.
Little bug, I am so happy we are going to find a house for us, for you to grow up in and always want to come back to!
I love you!
Mommy