Returning Home Extra-Kili's Conception and Birth
A/N: I do not own OUAT and am making no money
Emma stared around her apartment. The emptiness was deafening. It did not matter how many things she filled the apartment with it was still empty. It had only been a week and she was desperately lonely. She missed Henry. She missed Killian. She missed her parents and Granny's and the life she had built in Storybrooke. But she could not make herself go back. The restlessness and pain that had caused her to flee would not allow her to return. She no longer belonged in Storybrooke. Her family and friends were better off without her. She could no longer be what they wanted her to be. She chose to ignore the fact Henry had only wanted her to be his mother and Killian only wanted her to be herself. They were better left in Storybrooke. It would be utterly selfish to take Henry from his family and to make Killian live in a world completely foreign to him. A clean break was the easiest way to allow them both to get on with their lives without her.
Overwhelmed by the loneliness she grabbed a jacket and went out into the night. There was a bar just around the corner from her apartment. It was not a dive but not too fancy either. Just the place to pick up some companionship for the night. While not ready for any kind of relationship she did not want to be alone. Once seated at the bar she ordered a rum without even thinking about it. The first sip brought back a flood of memories. Loving blue eyes, sweet accented words, tousled dark hair. With a quick shake of her head she dislodged those memories and tossed back the rum, changing her next drink to tequila. Tonight she did not want to remember, she wanted to forget.
"Can I buy you a drink?" a smooth voice asked from her left.
Turning she saw a slim, dark haired man sitting on the stool next to her. His blue eyes were looking directly at her and he had a day's growth of stubble on his chin. He looked to be around her age. Her heart gave a flutter. Looking closer she realized the eyes were the wrong shade of blue and did not hold the warmth and love she was used to. Every instinct in her screamed for her to run away, but something made her stay. Loneliness or longing, she did not want to name the emotion. This was the closest she had felt to a connection since she left Storybrooke. False or not she was not ready to let the feeling go. Swallowing back her drink she nodded.
Sliding out of bed Emma quickly got dressed. It had been years since she'd had a one night stand but it had come back to her quickly. But something about it had felt wrong. The voice speaking to her had no accent and indeed hardly spoke at all. While Chris was personable enough there had been no innuendos or smirking. Still she had needed the escape, the release that he had given her. If her mind had wandered and she had wished it was someone else's hands and lips on her that was something only she needed to know. At the door she stopped. With a last glance at the bedroom door she took a piece of paper and wrote her number on it and slid the note under his keys. Quickly she left before she could change her mind.
Full of disbelief Emma stared down at the pregnancy test. Why did these things always happen to her? She was using protection. Glancing at the clock she realized she only had an hour until she was supposed to meet Chris. Wearily she sagged back against the couch. This was not supposed to happen. They were only supposed to have some fun together: no strings and no deep emotions. It had surprised her when he had called two days after their night together and she had been even more surprised when she had agreed to see him again. It took the edge off her loneliness. Although sometimes when she got home (she never brought him to her place) she found herself missing Killian and her family even more. He did not 'get her' the way Killian always had and she missed that knowing and how excited her parents had been before and after their first 'official' date. This was just not the same. Now instead of celebrating the news (she knew Killian would have been thrilled) her stomach was in knots because she had no idea how Chris would react or even how she wanted him to react. She was not even sure what she was feeling, except she was going to keep and take care of this baby.
A prepared as she was going to get Emma grabbed her purse and headed out the door to the bar. An hour later she was watching Chris walk out the bar door without looking back. He had not taken the news well, not wanting anything to do with the baby or her if she was determined to keep it. He had never lied to her, he did not want anything serious or any long term commitment. A baby would be both.
Not surprised by his decision Emma slowly dragged herself back to her apartment. Looking around the impersonal space she admitted that this place was not home, probably would never be home. Moving to the closet she reached up to the top shelf and pulled down the album she had hidden away. She had refused to look at it since arriving, indeed she had almost left it behind in Storybrooke. Her mom had made it for her while she was the Dark One, a memento to help her remember who she was and all the people who cared about her. Slowly she sank down on the couch and hesitantly opened it. The first page was of a town celebration at Granny's. The next had her and her parents at the loft and then just her parents. Henry featured on the next page followed by her and Killian. She froze at the pictures on the next pages. The first picture was Henry and Killian on the Jolly, Killian teaching Henry something at the helm. Then she, Killian and Henry at the railing, Killian's arm around her waist as she leaned against his chest. She remembered that day. It had been shortly after the Darkness had been removed from her. She could still smell the salty sea air and feel the warmth of the sun on her face, Killian's arms around her. It had been the one time she had almost been able to convince herself that things could go back to the way they had been before the Darkness. The next page had Henry and David adjusting sails while Mary Margaret looked on. The final picture was of all of them in front of the helm, David's arm outstretched to hold the phone while taking the picture. Slamming the book shut she wrapped her arms tightly around her middle, rocking back and forth. She missed them. Everything in her wanted to go back home but she could not make herself take that step. She had burned her bridges. She had made her choice and had to live the consequences. Maybe if she had stayed in touch, even sent a letter it would be different. It would not be right or fair to ask Killian to raise another man's child or to make Henry watch her raise a child when she had given him up. She ignored the small voice in the back of her head that said she was taking the coward's way, the easy way. This was the only choice she could make.
Determinedly she rose and grabbed the picture album, putting it back in the closet. That represented her past now it was time to look forward and face her future. First thing was to have a lawyer draw up papers for Chris to sign that gave up all his parental rights. Then she needed to look into getting a bigger apartment. She could and would do this by herself. She did not need anyone but herself.
Standing outside Babies 'R' Us Emma rested a hand over her enlarged stomach. Her baby was due in a month, she could not put off decorating the nursery any longer. This whole pregnancy had been a bittersweet experience. While she could enjoy the milestones as she had been unable to do with Henry it had been tough having no one to share them with. At every appointment, at every stage she found herself wanting to turn to Killian and Henry, wanting to call her parents to share the news. She would not allow herself to do any of those things. A life alone was what she had chosen when she had run from Storybrooke. Even when part of her wanted to run home she could not face the hurt she knew she had caused by leaving like she did and then denying them knowledge of her pregnancy.
With another deep breath she walked into the store. The stroller, car seat, swing and bouncy chair were easy, she had already picked those out on line. Looking at the bedding and bedroom sets was different. She could just imagine Henry and Killian going set to set arguing which one would be best. A dark blue set with white anchors called to her and she put it in her cart before she could question her motives. There were matching curtains and a lamp which she also got. She ordered the bedroom set it had been displayed on, specifying delivery and assembly. She still remembered her and David attempting to put together Neal's crib. Quickly she pulled her mind away from those memories.
The toys were even harder to look at. She could see her parents going up and down the aisles. Turning she rushed to the register. She would order some toys on-line. At the register she could not resist adding a stuffed pirate ship and bear dressed as a knight to her items. She barely made it to her apartment before the tears began to fall. Collapsing on the couch she held the bear and ship close. She wanted Killian. She wanted Henry. She wanted her parents. And it was her fault she did not have them. It was too late to go home. Her hand went to her stomach, her eyes to the framed ultrasound on the mantle. "You will never be alone," she promised her baby. "You will always know love and family."
Labor and delivery was as long and painful as she remembered. At least this time she was not handcuffed to the bed and knew she would be able to keep her baby. But she was still alone. During those long lonely hours she wanted desperately to have Killian holding her hand, whispering encouragement to her. She longed to have Henry bouncing around excitedly, reading his storybook to his unborn baby brother. It would be comforting to have her parents going in and out, taking turns checking on her and on Neal, who would have been deemed too young to be present. These thoughts brought tears to her eyes that she refused to let fall. Being alone had been her choice. She was the one who had chosen to leave and chose not to return or even call when she knew she had made a mistake in leaving.
When it was finally over she reached for her baby, unable to take her eyes off him as the nurses ran their tests. Eagerly she held him when they brought him back to her. She was so focused on her son she was unaware of the medical staff taking care of her. He was beautiful with fine dark hair and blue eyes a shade lighter than the ones she loved and missed. She did not see Chris in her baby and she saw little of herself. Who she did see was Killian whether it was real or her imagination and longing she did not know.
When she was asked the baby's name she did not hesitate. "Killian David Swan."