Chapter 10
Three months had passed, and Sasha was eagerly riding towards the border together with Samuel, Levi and a dozen of others. Just like Jean had predicted, a word had been officially delivered to them not much later, and both her and Levi were wanted at the border. Samuel had volunteered to go as well, and since he had Sasha's approval, Levi had let him come along without a second thought. The rest were soldiers ordered for the position, ones that were seen as unlikely to lose their cools even if the Marleyans spoke ill of them or their fallen comrades. They couldn't risk the peace by letting someone with a too short fuse near their new allies.
"It'll be fine" Sasha told herself, trying to calm down while not sure why she was even so nervous in the first place. The people she'd face were once their enemies, sure, but that was before. It was all good now; there was no reason to be nervous "As long as Grior's not there; I always felt like he hated me."
As close as she and Nikolo had become, Sasha had never made friends with the other cook. Heck, they could barely stand each other in the same room!
"It's not like I didn't try to get along with him…"
Flashback starts
Nikolo was out getting supplies and Sasha chose to let herself in to the kitchen without waiting for the cook since she was hungry. Plus, she'd get to raid the pantry in a way Nikolo wouldn't allow if he was around. She'd be crazy if she didn't use this situation to her advantage.
"Yay, he left the bread around to cool down!" Sasha cheered in her mind as she lifted the towel on counter, exposing the freshly baked treats underneath "It smells so good…"
But bread wasn't the only thing she could smell, Sasha realized. Something else was out too. Looking around, she saw a soup pot at the stove, boiling. With a yelp, the young soldier quickly put on gloves and moved the pot away, hoping it hadn't caught the bottom.
"Strange; Nikolo doesn't usually forget anything on the stove when he leaves. He's always so careful…" lifting the lid to see how the soup looked, Sasha was pleased to find that it didn't look even the lightest bit burnt. Lucky "Well I saved the dish, so I have a right to the first bite, don't I?"
"What are you doing?" startled, Sasha dropped the lid in her hand on to the floor. Turning around in alarm, she saw Grior behind her, carrying some dirty dishes "Er… hi Grior."
"Hi" the man said back blankly, going to put the dishes down before saying: "Please don't take the soup off the stove next time; it's not ready quite yet."
Right, of course. Nikolo wasn't the only person working in the place; it wasn't him who'd left the pot on the stove!
"Right, sorry" she said sheepishly, rubbing the back of her head. She wasn't in the best of terms with Grior, the guy still seemed sour when dealing with Eldians, but surely, he was used to her by now… so she could still try to get a taste, right? "Can I try that once it's done?"
Grior took the pot and put it back on the stove before saying: "I'm not exactly in a position to stop you if you want to eat it."
Not in the position to stop her? What did he mean? Surely, he could push her away just as easily as Nikolo did if he wanted to, right? Or was Grior actually pretty fragile despite being a soldier? He looked muscular enough, but…
"What? Think that I'm too strong for you to move?" she laughed, yet then a comment Jean had once made of her eating habits made her rethink it "Or wait, are you saying I'm fat and too heavy for you to move?!"
Grior looks at her over his shoulder "What I mean is that I, as a war prisoner, am not in a position to deny anything from you, an enemy soldier."
It took a while for this to sink in for Sasha, but once it did, she bit her lip, knowing that he was kind of right.
"It's… it's not like I'd use it against you" she muttered, waiting for some kind of sign that Grior understood, but that never came.
"Is that so?" was all he said, but Sasha could tell from his voice he didn't believe her. She supposed making friends with him would still take time, even though he'd been on the island for over a year already. Oh well, she'd make things work.
Flashback ends
"In the end, we never did become friends" Sasha thought with a sigh. It was a pity really; while she'd never been all that fond of Grior, she still felt like they could've been friends had he given her a chance. That and he was Nikolo's friend; it would've made so many awkward encounters less awkward if they had at least gotten along somewhat "He never learned to like any of us, so maybe he won't be coming back? As a soldier he needs to obey orders, but certainly his superiors wouldn't force him back here against his will, right?"
Not that Sasha was all that convinced about that, either. From what she'd understood, the Marleyan military was very strict.
"It's not like I want to see him, but it all left a bad taste in my mouth" she sighs "If only we could've at least gotten him to stop hating us, even if he didn't come to like us."
"Are you okay Sasha?" Samuel asks suddenly, riding right beside her "You look kind of down."
Sasha looks at him in surprise, almost losing her balance on the horse as she jolts, but manages to catch herself and says: "Yeh, I'm fine. Just… thinking about stuff."
"About the Marleyans?" Samuel asked "Do you think they'll cause trouble?"
Sasha wasn't sure if she had imagined it or not, but she thought she saw Levi, who was riding in front of them, glancing over his shoulder before facing forward again. Well, maybe she was imagining things.
"It's possible, but unlikely" she said, focusing on Samuel again "They don't like us, but surely they want the peace to last just as much as we do… so I don't think they'll do anything."
They fell in to silence after that, and Sasha wondered how many others had same worries as Samuel… even if the Marleyans didn't cause any trouble, what if some of their own did out of hostility or fear? She certainly wouldn't put it past people; the war was still fresh in everyone's minds, how could it not, so the chances that some who had plans of their own had managed to slip in to their troops existed.
"But even if there are, maybe they'll stay calm if we do too…?" Sasha thought with a sigh, squeezing the reigns a little harder on instinct. She just hoped no one would get under her skin.
"Say, Sasha" Samuel spoke again, getting the woman's attention "What exactly is the difference between us Eldians and the rest of the humanity?"
"Huh?" Sasha asked, fairly certain that even civilians had been taught about how only they could be turned in to titans "Well, our blood- "
"I know" Samuel interrupted with a sigh, running his hand through his hair "I know that we're feared because of our blood that allows us to turn in to titans, but besides that? How do they even tell the difference between us and the other races?"
Sasha had to think of it for a moment before she remembered what Yelena had told them.
"Our blood is different and they have some kind of test that they can use to confirm who's an Eldian" that's what the woman had said, at least. For all Sasha knew there could be other ways, too.
"That's it?" Samuel questioned. Sasha looked at him, wondering what he was getting at. She thought about it, but couldn't remember hearing of any other way "Yeah, I think so."
"If they don't know who's an Eldian without a test, how do they know when they pass an Eldian on the street?" the man asked "How do they know there aren't any in their military?"
Ah, right, these things weren't public knowledge… well, Sasha had known that, but she thought that a responsible garrison soldier like Samuel would've heard of these things one way or the other. Or maybe it was because he was responsible; maybe he didn't bother listening to things that didn't come from official sources.
"Their military does have Eldians" Sasha told "It's just that every Eldian is forced to wear certain kinds of armbands when they leave their homes, so everyone can immediately tell that someone is an Eldian. That applies to the Eldian soldiers over there as well."
Samuel frowned, asking: "Why don't they just take them off? Surely the Marleyans couldn't control them if they all decided to put their foot down and rebel."
"Maybe…" or maybe not; the Marleyan military was huge, with or without Eldians. Besides, she supposed that many of Marley's Eldians were completely brainwashed like Gabi had been; they didn't rebel because they believed the bad treatment was something they deserved "But I don't think it's that simple. It's not like we could ever really know what our kind goes through outside of this island…"
"And we might be better off not knowing" Samuel said, scratching his head "Everything was easier when we thought our enemies were just man-eating monsters. Ignorance is bliss, as they say."
This time Sasha was sure Levi had glanced their way. She supposed he agreed with Samuel… and so did she.
"Yeah…" she said "But we've got some good things out of this too, right? It's not all bad."
"Like what, new types of food?" Samuel asked. Sasha glared, about to give a heated reply, but her face flushed as Levi called from ahead of them: "You got her there."
"Captain!" Sasha whined, speeding up her horse to ride by the man's side "Please don't speak of me like all I think about would be food!"
"Am I wrong, then?" Levi asked. Sasha was about to say "of course", but the blank look Levi was giving her made her back down. Looking away, she mumbled: "Well, maybe not completely… but I think about other stuff too…"
Her face went even redder as she heard Samuel's muffled laughter. Damn it, did everyone think of her as food obsessed woman first and a soldier second? Geez.
"You two suck…"
"Is that a way to speak to a superior officer?" Levi asked, but Sasha just glared at him with a pout "You know that stopped working on me years ago, right?"
"True" Levi admitted, adjusting his hold on the reigns of his horse "All of you brats have lost your sense of respect."
"Nah, just our fear of you" Sasha said, unable to help the smirk that was forming on her face "We still respect you more than anyone… well, except maybe commander Hanji. She's a little cooler."
Was it possible for the temperature to fall along with someone's emotions? Sasha felt like there was a chill when Levi glared at her. She supposed comparing the captain to the commander wasn't such a nice thing to do, at least not in the captain's opinion. Laughing nervously, Sasha asks: "Er… are we moving too slowly?"
Seeing it safer not to wait for an answer, Sasha speeds up ahead once more to get some distance between her and the captain. Better make sure not to piss him off for the rest of the day.
XXXXX
The harbor, the border. They'd finally arrived, and Sasha'd be lying if she said she wasn't excited. Nikolo would be here, right? He'd said he'd come back; this was a good opportunity for that, right?
"No, it doesn't necessarily mean he's here. His unit might have been called elsewhere" she reminded herself, but the smile didn't leave her face. The possibility was there after all "He said he'd come back, so surely he'll get here at some point if he already isn't here…"
"Sasha!" Sasha got off her horse, greeting Hanji back as the commander ran over to them.
"Things must be going well if you have time to come running here like a headless chicken" was Levi's idea of a greeting "I take it there are no problems?"
"None at all; everything's going smoothly" something in Hanji's tone didn't match her words, Sasha noted. The older woman lowered her voice, saying: "Perhaps too smoothly. Taking any kind of action at this point would be unwise, but I have a bad feeling that the Marleyans might be up to something."
Sasha tensed. Glancing around, she realized that only she and Levi were at hearing range as the others were putting away the horses. That was good; no need to spread their unease to others.
"And what do you say we should do about it?" Levi asks as the three of them start walking away from the horses, trusting that someone else will take care of theirs. Hanji adjusts her glasses, saying: "For the time being, nothing. Just keep your guards up and eyes open; don't miss a thing. If you see or hear something suspicious, report to me as soon as possible."
"Understood" the two chorused.
"Good. Levi, you join Jean at the harbor and supervise the unloading. Sasha, you're with me" Hanji said, taking off without a second glance. Apparently, they were going to be busy… bidding Levi goodbye for now, Sasha followed after her superior.
"So, what are you and I doing?" Sasha asked, making sure to keep up with commander's quick pace. Naturally, it was no struggle, but it was surprising that she was walking so fast. With Hanji it was usually the sign of there being trouble or that she was really excited. Sasha just hoped it was the later.
"We'll go and take a look at some of the machinery they brought along; I've already gotten a permission" Hanji said, and to Sasha it looked like she had trouble not to jump around while she said it. And her visible eye was gleaming "This is going to be so much fun!"
Sasha sweat dropped. Excitement it was, then. That was good, especially after what she'd told her and Levi earlier; the brunette had started to get a little worried.
"Wait a minute" she suddenly realized something. Hesitantly, she said: "Um, but I don't understand anything about technology, really, so why am I coming with you? Wouldn't I be more of help for Jean?"
Hanji adjusted her glasses again, saying: "Probably, but I need someone to watch my back just in case. I could've taken Levi, but he's more likely to annoy the Marleyans with his snarky comments than you are. And- "
Hanji stopped suddenly, swallowing what she was about to say. Sasha had no idea what it was, but thought it was better not to ask. And again, there was another pressing matter to address: "So… you don't trust them?"
"Not completely, no" Hanji said, lowering her voice as she did "I don't want to go near them and their machines on my own, but it could provoke them if I went with a big group, which is why I need someone trustworthy to watch my back with me."
"Then why not Jean?" Sasha asked, adding hurriedly: "Not that I'm complaining; it's great to see you again! I'm just curious!"
"It's great to see you again, too" Hanji said with a smile "And no offence, but I think Jean was a safer choice to watch over the cargo being unloaded since there are food supplies in there as well."
Sasha groaned; she knew exactly what the commander was saying. And the older woman even dared to grin at her reaction, making her pout.
"You also have sharper instincts than Jean, so you're more suited for this" with a whine, Sasha asked: "Why didn't you just say that in the first place!"
Hanji just laughed, patting Sasha on the head as they walked. The brunette couldn't help but wonder why exactly had she missed this woman so much.
XXXXX
They'd been looking though the technology the Marleyans had brought along for hours now, and so far, there had been no trouble. Some had thrown some not so subtle jabs their way, but Sasha had ignored them and Hanji had laughed them off with a few good-natured jabs of her own. The younger woman had wanted to do that as well, but had kept her mouth shut in the fear of going too far. If something went wrong, she certainly wouldn't want to be the cause of it.
Sasha frowned slightly, having missed what was said about the machine in front of them. Well, she probably wouldn't have understood it anyway, not to mention she was here to guard, not to learn. Still, even she was a bit curious… well, if it was something interesting, Hanji would certainly share it with her later, babbling about it even if she didn't ask.
"I believe it's time for supper" Sasha couldn't remember the Marleyan's name, only that he had a high rank, but at the moment she decided she liked him, for she was hungry. Really hungry.
"That's a good idea" Hanji agreed, and the majority of them left the machines alone, heading towards the direction Sasha could smell food in. Someone must be cooking outside, she was sure.
"I wonder if we'll be eating with the Marleyans?" she thought. Not wanting to risk anything, she decided to stay behind Hanji and follow her example "Maybe Nikolo will be there…"
The thought just suddenly crossed her mind, but once it was there, it didn't leave her alone. It'd make sense for him to be there; Nikolo loved to cook and was good at it, so surely, he'd end up in cooking duty easily. Or did they have some personnel specifically for cooking in the military? She was pretty sure Nikolo had said they did, at least when they weren't on the battlefield. And Nikolo wasn't one of those people, he'd said he was an actual soldier "But maybe he'll be there to eat?"
Sasha sure hoped so. She was really hungry and wanted food but, somehow, even more than getting food, she was eager to see Nikolo again. Sadly however, Sasha found out that while they would indeed eat with the Marleyans, they would eat in a tent with the higher ups. It wasn't the kind of place Nikolo would be in, she knew.
"Hey Sasha, you came after all!" she heard Jean say and noticed that he and Levi were already in the tent along with a few MPs and the Marleyan higher ups. Her long-time friend didn't even bother hiding his smug smirk, which Sasha fought hard to ignore. Of course, she had come and Jean knew it.
"Since he and the captain are here, I could just finish fast and go take a look around to see if I can find Nikolo" she decided. Eating fast was by no means a hard task for her.
Getting her meal, Sasha was delighted. She knew this dish! Nikolo had made it from time to time… however, as she sat down to eat, she realized that the taste was off. Not that it was bad, but whoever had made it had overdone with the spices, covering the original taste. That was no good; spices were only useful when used right "Oh well, it's still nice to be eating this again."
Just like she had planned, Sasha ate fast. She considered asking for seconds, but changed her mind. She just wanted to go out there and see if she could find him.
"Commander, permission to step out?" back in their younger days, Levi had drilled it in to the heads of his squad to address their superiors formally when in front of outsiders. Jean looked at her, unable to hide his shock. Hanji and Levi were looking at her as well, but they hid their surprise better "…Permission granted. You aren't eating seconds?"
If she didn't have orders to be formal, Sasha would've huffed at Hanji's question.
"Not today, commander" she said, reading from the older woman's face that she would have to explain herself later. Oh well "I'll be stepping out now."
Once she'd left the tent, Sasha let herself relax a little. She knew she'd have to mind her manners still, but she didn't need to be as careful with the lower ranking Marleyans, she supposed. Time for a search.
A kitchen would've usually been a natural place to start, but after the meal she highly doubted he'd be there; Nikolo wouldn't let them serve food where the spices were used so incorrectly. If he was here, he was elsewhere.
"But where?" what had his official position in the army been, anyway? Sasha knew he'd told her, but she couldn't remember. She hadn't thought of it as important at the time "Should I ask around about him?"
The idea was quickly dismissed; he might get in trouble if wrong people found out that an Eldian was looking for him specifically. Maybe she could get her hands on a list of the soldiers who'd come? Surely, they must have something like that…
"But it's not like they would just give it to me" Sasha knew, and for a moment she considered sneaking around, getting her hands on the documents without a permission, but quickly dismissed the idea. Too risky; if she got caught, she probably wouldn't be the only one in trouble. Maybe she could ask Jean to convince them to let her take a look; he could probably come up with an excuse "If only Armin was here, he'd figure something out in a heartbeat…"
She didn't want to bother the commander with this; she was busy enough as she was and the captain, well, Sasha had a feeling that that wouldn't go all so well.
"I'll just look around for now, see if I can spot any familiar faces" Sasha decided "I'll ask Jean to come up with something the next time I get the chance."
She walked around casually, but even so, made sure not to lower her guard. She could feel the eyes on her as she walked, some Marleyans staring and even glaring at her hostilely. Fortunately, there were some of their own soldiers around too, so that eased Sasha's mind a bit. If something were to happen, they'd have her back. She just wished that their side would drop the glares sent to Marleyans; someone had to take the first step.
"Maybe I should be the one?" Sasha thought. Surely, it'd cause no harm if she tried to make friends with some of these people, right? They'd probably be seeing each other a lot from now on anyway, so they'd have to interact sooner or later… right? "But it's a little scary to do it on my own; maybe I should wait for Jean to join me?"
Not that she was afraid of Marleyans as individuals, but if three or more decided to gang up on her, she'd be in trouble "Yeah, I'll wait for Jean or someone else to back me up before I start trying to make friends."
With that decided, Sasha focused on the original matter again. How could she find out if Nikolo was around?
"Sasha!" oh, that sounded like Jean. Turning her head, Sasha saw that it was indeed him, coming her way "There you are!"
"What's wrong?" she asked, fearing that something had happened since Jean came after her.
"It's not like you to finish eating so fast" Jean said as he reached her. Wiping a little sweat from his forehead, he asks: "Is everything okay?"
"Yeah yeah, everything is fine!" Sasha said cheerfully, perhaps too much so. She had no idea why she suddenly pretended to act like that, especially since it just seemed to make Jean sceptic, judging from his raised eyebrow and hard look. Wanting to change the subject, Sasha asked: "What do you need?"
"More like I have something you need" Jean said "I managed to get my hands on a list of every Marleyan soldier sent here."
Sasha's eyes widened in disbelief. Of course, it made sense that Jean had gotten the idea before her, but to think he had gotten the list already-
"Show me!" she demanded, holding out her hands expectantly. Jean however, shook his head.
"I don't have it; wasn't allowed to keep it" he said, much to Sasha's disappointment. She was sure her emotions showed on her face "But I did scan through it for familiar names."
"And?" Sasha asked, but since she'd known Jean for years, she could read him pretty well. Most likely- "He isn't here."
Just as she had thought, but she'd still hoped she'd read her friend wrong.
"Oh…" well, it was understandable. He'd said he'd come back, but he hadn't said when, hadn't said it'd be soon. It clearly wasn't now. She was disappointed, but she understood, she really did "There wasn't any other names that I could recognize, either."
That was to be expected; aside from Nikolo, what reason would any of them have to come back?
"You okay Sasha?"
"Yeah!" Sasha answered, too quickly and cheerfully, she realized. This was stupid; she shouldn't be so disappointed. Just because he didn't come back now didn't mean he wouldn't come at all… and even if he didn't, what would it matter? He was her friend yes, she'd be sad if she could never see him again, but he was surely happy in Marley, so it was fine, right? "I'm okay."
XXXXX
Another three months pass by, making it eight months since Nikolo left. During the last three months, there had barely been a day that Sasha hadn't thought of the man. She really, really wanted to see him again.
"Maybe this time" she thought, watching a ship coming closer to the coast "Maybe he'll be on board this time."
Apparently, Marley had decided to switch most of the soldiers located on Paradis every three months, and now was the time for the first switch, with the soldiers who came three months ago returning with this ship. Sasha found it unwise; it would've been easier to just get a certain group used to working with them.
"Three months is a pretty short time for making friends too with how hostile they're at first" she thought, biting her lip "But on the bright side, this way we can show more of them first hand that we are not evil."
The Marleyans who understood that would spread the word, even if it was just as whispers to their family and friends, right? How the world saw Eldians would surely change, slowly, but it would.
"And the Marleyans who don't get it the first time should come back eventually; they probably have some kind of rotating system. We can always pick up where we left off then" she reminded herself. Her and Jean, along with a little more uncertain Samuel, had made a conscious effort trying to become friends with the Marleyans. They didn't have much luck really, but they hadn't really expected to have any, either. The fact that some of them no longer glared when Sasha approached or spoke to them was an achievement in itself, after all "Baby steps, tiny little baby steps."
"The ship's gonna dock soon" Connie, who had joined them a bit under a month ago, pointed out "Don't blink or you might miss something."
Sasha laughed, knowing what he meant. Patting him on the shoulder, she said: "You're here in case I miss something, aren't you?"
Or more like someone, they both knew, but had an unspoken agreement to not to say it out loud. Both were expecting Nikolo to be on the ship this time, and even Jean had thought it'd be possible. Surely the cooking soldier would drop by now? Even if he'd leave after the three months, it'd still be nice to see him.
"Sure am!" Connie agreed, saluting "I got your back, whenever, wherever and for whatever!"
"I'll make sure to remember that the next time I have to deal with instructor Shadis" Sasha said, making Connie pale. Dropping his salute, he said: "Err… almost for whatever. With something like that, you're on your own."
"Gee, you're such a good friend" Sasha said sarcastically, yelping when she suddenly felt a hand that was definitely not Connie's slam on her shoulder "We're the greatest friends, aren't we?"
Sasha was glad she hadn't punched the person as a reflex; it was just Jean.
"Yeah, the best" Sasha said, turning her head to see the smirking squad leader "Annoying as hell at times, but the best."
"And yet neither of us is the one that has been on your mind for the past few days" Sasha frowned as she saw Connie wiggling his eyebrows "Let's see if the one who has is here; they just lowered the ramp!"
Sasha could've and would've said something back had the ramp not taken all her attention. If Nikolo was there, this way she'd know immediately. And if she somehow happened to miss him, either Jean or Connie would definitely notice him.
"There come the first ones" Connie said. Sasha didn't see Nikolo, as expected. The first ones to come down would obviously be higher ranked soldiers. It was only when the officers had passed that Sasha really started to pay attention, looking for that one kind face in particular.
"Where are you?" she wondered "Are you there?"
Many came down the ramp, yet Sasha didn't see Nikolo. She kept believing though, right until what she heard was the last person had walked down the ramp. Disappointed, she anxiously turned to face Jean, who shook his head. Still hoping, he looked at Connie, but the other man gave no sign of having seen something Sasha hadn't, either.
Nikolo didn't come.
"…Should I go and ask to see a list of the people who came?" Jean asked. Sasha nodded without a word, not looking at them, knowing it was futile.
"Excuse me for a moment" she said, walking away from the port and not looking back. They could handle things without her for a while.
She had no destination in mind; she just wanted to get somewhere away from prying eyes for a while. Rounding a corner to a narrow alleyway, Sasha sat down with her back against the wall, finally letting the tears fall.
Why was she crying exactly? Nikolo wasn't dead, of that she was sure. He was home with his family, safe and happy, just as he should be, so why did the fact sadden her so? She should be happy for him!
"But… but I want to see him… I really, really do…" Sasha was sobbing, but tried to keep quiet. She didn't want to alert anyone, didn't want to create a conflict "Just why… why am I so sad…?"
She'd missed people before. She'd missed her family when away from home for long periods of time, she'd missed her friends when they were separated to different duties, she missed the friends she had lost for good, but this was different somehow. She missed him harder than anyone, harder than her family in her training days. Harder than Eren who she'd lost a couple of years back and knew she'd never see again. It didn't make any sense to Sasha; how could Nikolo be that important to her?
"I suppose there is one explanation"
It's not like she had been trying to deny it or anything; she had simply wondered if it was really possible. But it seemed like her earlier questions finally had an answer.
"I'm in love with him."
A.N: Sasha has finally come to the conclusion that she's in love! Now, where shall she go from here? What will she do about these newly found feelings? And why did Nikolo not come? You'll find out soon!
As a side note, I had originally planned to make this story ten chapters long, but obviously that didn't happen. Now, I'm guessing it'll be twenty, but that's by no means set in stone, either.