Disclaimer: Kubo Tite owns Bleach. I don't own anything unfortunately and this is for entertainment purposes only.
Warning: This chapter has lots and lots of drama. However, it ends on a positive note. Just some things were bound to happen.
10. Burn Out
In the very first moments of consciousness, Ichigo doesn't open his eyes. He just savors the feeling of being wrapped in another person's warm arms, feeling Byakuya's breath slowly caressing his neck with each puff of air, feeling their warm sleep skin pressed against each other. It is a blessing, truth be told. Ichigo hadn't been loved in so long he forgot the feeling of just being another person's world, if only for the a very few precious morning hours. It is good. It is strangely good.
He takes a while relishing in the warmth of the bed and Byakuya's body and tries to empty his head of everything else. He just feels one of Byakuya's hands on top of his heart, he feels its strong grip on it and wonders when this whole thing they got between the two of them managed to become so powerful. They hadn't gone all the way last night but even this, even these superficial caresses, even these gentle touches mean to him so much. He had done what he hadn't in over four years.
He smiles. That is good, isn't it? He starts to live. It is a good sign, isn't it?
But as soon as he opens his eyes, the comfortable world in which he lived for the last precious moments starts crumbling down, because his sleep crusted eyes fall first thing on Senna's picture. As soon as his eyes fall on her smiling face, everything collapses like a card castle. And isn't that ironic?
Each muscle tenses extremely, making him wish he could do something, anything to melt away into that soothing state he was before. But he can't. Senna's smile is still there. He had sex while his dead wife's picture was still there, on the nightstand. He didn't even think about that. It can't be. He has never done that before. He has never forgotten about her picture like this, in this insensitive manner, as if she meant nothing anymore.
He feels sick. There is no other way to put it. All those contented thoughts have disappeared in a nanosecond, torn away by the harsh reality of his actions. Wasn't it too soon? Wasn't it too early in the stage of their relationship? And most of all, how could he? Just like this? In their former bedroom where he hasn't taken those pictures down.
He looks transfixed at the picture of his dead wife and his stomach lurches so hard that he can't stay there anymore, he can't stay next to Byakuya and relish in his warmth when he has just betrayed his wife like that. His stomach lurches again and this time Ichigo is on the move. He slowly starts to disentangle himself from the mess of limbs that he and Byakuya have created and thankfully, the older man doesn't stir at all. He ignores the dark-haired man's body, stretched beautifully on his sheets, graceful muscles in stark contrast with the rest of the plain sheets. He knows that if he looks at that image this whole thing might hurt him even more. And that's not fair. Neither for him, nor for Byakuya.
He goes to bathroom and closes the door gently. He allows himself for a moment to breathe, his forehead leaning on the cool wood of the door. He even allows himself a moment of relaxation before suddenly tensing again.
What have I done? Oh my God, how could I do such a thing?
The next moment he pukes his insides and probably more in the toilette, taking a sick pleasure in feeling all that pain. He deserves it. He has failed Senna. There is no other way to put it. He retches a couple more times but only bile follows.
"Ichigo, are you all right?" A gravelly voice asks from the other side of the door and that definitely makes Ichigo feel sicker. He doesn't want to face Byakuya. He can't look him in the eyes and tell him that what they did last night was a mistake and it should never happen again. Run away. Fast. As fast as you can and don't stop until this man forgets about your pathetic ass and moves to greener pastures.
"Yeah," he moans pitifully, "just probably something from last night's dinner didn't agree with me.
"Are you sure? Do you want me to make you some tea?"
Ichigo bangs his head against the vase and tries not to feel like the lowest of the lowest scum.
"Yeah, that would be great. I will be out in a minute."
"Very well."
He so doesn't want to go out of the bathroom. His breath comes in short panicked puffs of air, while his nose soars and his eyes are drown in tears, he doesn't know if it's from all that puking or just his regret.
His stomach twists itself in more knots but at least for now it lets Ichigo take a short shower and wash his teeth, before finally being able to get out of the bathroom. He regrets the move almost instantly. Byakuya is dressed in his boxers and one of Ichigo's t-shirts and waits for him kindly smiling. Ichigo feels sick all over again but this time for a completely different reason.
"How are you feeling?" He asks and helps Ichigo settle down in bed once more. He personally would like to scream and make everything go away but then again that is not an option and he should just stop wallow in self-pity.
"Like shit warmed over." Ichigo tries to joke and Byakuya smiles again giving him the still hot tea.
"That good, huh?"
"Yeah." Ichigo takes a sip of tea, which isn't bad at all and then lets Byakuya kiss him lightly on the lips.
"I have to take a shower and then leave for a couple of hours at work." Byakuya says against his lips and in spite of feeling his stomach roll again, Ichigo smiles a little.
"You're already dumping me?"
"What can I say? I am a cold hearted bastard."
"I'd like to disagree with you here." Ichigo smiles again. "Maybe you are a warm hearted bastard. After all you brought me tea to bed instead of making me crawl for it to kitchen."
"I feel somehow responsible."
"Whatever for?"
"Well, I was the one to bring you to that restaurant."
"Byakuya, trust me when I say this isn't your fault. At all." Ichigo sips some more tea this time avoiding looking into Byakuya's eyes and if the older man senses something is wrong, he doesn't say anything and lets Ichigo get away easily.
"All right then. I will go take a shower."
Ichigo just nods and closes his eyes once he is left alone for fear he might have to look at Senna's picture again. He drinks his tea and then he almost falls asleep by the time Byakuya gets out of the bathroom dressed in last night's clothes. Soothing fingers caress his orange hair and makes Ichigo snuggle in their warmth.
"Ichigo, I have to go. Talk to you later. Ok?"
"Yeah, ok." He mumbles and then he falls asleep still feeling those fingers caressing him, as if all he waited for had been their permission.
A couple of hours later when he wakes up groggily, he lets the whole mess cover him. He slowly gets out of bed and then changes all the sheets before finally daring to look at Senna's picture.
"So I messed up last night." He mumbles, not sure of what else to say. His thoughts are a mess and he ignores everything else in his body. He does laundry and cleans the room, airs it and then after he eats some toast is ready to go to his parent's place and pick up Shuuhei.
"Daddy!" His son yells as soon as he steps in and Ichigo just smiles tenderly at his son, scooping him in his arms and hugging him. "Chappy ate a whole carrot last night and then this morning he was a little sick, but then grandpa told me he would be fine. And we ate popcorn and grandma read to me a great story, daddy."
"Wow, you have been really busy, buddy." Ichigo smiles lovingly at his son and puts him down. "And you listened to your grandma and grandpa?"
"Yeah, daddy."
"Hello, son." Masaki greets him when they enter in the living room. Coloring books are spread all over a small table and Chappy watches them sleepily from his cage before he resumes his favorite activity. Ichigo tries to behave as natural as possible but as soon as his mother asks "So how was the date?", his whole body freezes.
"It was great." His mother's eyes narrow in suspicion.
"Ichigo…"
"Seriously, mom, it was great and can we not for once talk about this?" Ichigo says exasperated because he really doesn't want to think about all this.
"Ok." She smiles sad at him as if she just realized what is wrong.
"Where is dad?"
"Grandpa has a patient." Shuuhei answers instead, whispering conspiratorially. "His hand was crushed, daddy."
"You saw it?" Ichigo asked alarmed before his mother puts him at ease.
"Of course not. Shuuhei was with us when the men came after your father. He heard the conversation, that is all. By the way, how are we going to manage starting Monday?"
Ichigo feels confused for a moment because he almost forgot. Monday he returns to work and he can't wait for it. Although he visited the guys a couple of times during his leave or the guys came to his home for a game and waste time, he still missed the adrenaline of it and their jokes and laughter. He discusses with his mother how to take care of Shuuhei while he is at work. Most of the times it was either his mother of his sisters that played the baby sitters for Shuuhei while Ichigo was at work and that always made him at ease to know his son was well cared for.
They talk some more as Ichigo avoids Byakuya's name like plague and by the time he leaves from his mother's place, he is ready to crush his head against a wall. And that doesn't change when they get home. Ichigo fully concentrates on Shuuhei, helping him with homework and then playing. Byakuya calls him at one point to ask how he is feeling, but Ichigo's answers are clipped and the conversation ends abruptly.
Sunday is spent with Shuuhei as well, trying to make up for the following days when they won't get to spend so much time together. As if he has a seventh sense about this sort of things, his son doesn't mention Byakuya although Ichigo can see that Shuuhei wants to ask him things, things that Ichigo isn't ready to explain yet. Therefore, he pretends that everything is all right and that he doesn't want to crawl out of his skin. It's Sunday when he starts ignoring Byakuya's calls.
On Monday, he goes back to work. He is on the first shift and he is glad to have something to do. The guys are more than happy to see him back at duty and Uryuu pretends that he doesn't care but makes Ichigo's transition rather easily. They don't have many calls and by the end of the shift Ichigo is back on track. This is how the next two weeks go. He goes to work and spends the rest of his spare time with his son, while ignoring Byakuya's calls. He gets really good at that although at some point his resolve almost falters when he receives a single message from the older man: I thought you promised not to run away. Ichigo swallows his regrets and keeps on moving with the motions.
By the end of the first week, Shuuhei gets curious about what happened to Byakuya but Ichigo just tells him that the other man is really busy and he can't be with them so often anymore. If he feels guilty about lying to his son is his business only. But running away from his family can only get him that far and by the end of the second week, Karin doesn't let him escape anymore.
She waits for him after he goes to Shuuhei and kisses him good night and Ichigo knows that this won't end up very well.
"So how are things going with Byakuya?" Karin asks him as she follows him in the kitchen while Ichigo pretends to be exceptionally busy finding something to eat.
"Fine…"
"Ichigo…" Karin's perfect eyebrow rises in doubt and Ichigo sighs before slamming shut the door of the fridge.
"I might have not talked to him after our date." He passes his fingers through his orange hair and then looks uncomfortably at her.
"What?" Karin's anger stains her face with red spots. "Why? What have you done?"
"What? How come is it my fault?"
"Because I know you, Ichi-nii, and I know how you react and something tells me that it is entirely your fault. Don't tell me! The date went perfectly and then you got cold feet."
"It's not like that."
"It's not? Seriously? Then how is it?"
"Something might have happened after the date." The admission makes Ichigo blush a little more and his sister looks astonished at him before leering.
"Are you trying to tell me that you had sex with Byakuya Kuchiki?"
"Something like that."
"Oh, my God! Then what is the problem? I seriously don't see it."
"Karin, would you stop being so gleeful about it?" Ichigo snaps and takes a sit at the table. "I had sex with another man while my dead wife's picture still laid on the nightstand. I had completely forgotten about her. How could I do something like that?"
"Wait a minute. Did you just say what I think you said? Are you that stupid?" Karin almost growled. "You are unbelievable! I can't believe this. It's been four years now, are you going to bury yourself with her as well?"
"Karin, stop!"
"No, I won't stop. I am sick and tired seeing you running away from anything remotely resembling to a relationship. And I am sick and tired to keep these encouraging speeches, tell you that you have to move on, that she is dead, not you. I am sick and tired of repeating myself."
"This is not fair." Ichigo mumbles defeated.
"No, Ichi-nii, I will tell you what is not fair: It is not fair to see your brother like a zombie after his wife died. It is not fair to see him refuse to live even for a second just for himself. It is not fair to see him refusing to go out with people for fearing that he might disrespect his wife's memory. It is not fair to see him acting like he's already dead as well." Karin starts crying but refuses his comfort when he tries to give it. She furiously wipes her tears. "Shuuhei doesn't need a father just in name, he needs a true father. A parent who realizes that sometimes his happiness counts as well."
"I am just not-"
"Don't you dare telling me you're not ready. Because you are. I have never seen you more alive since you have met this man. And don't tell me he's not for you. Because he so is. You try to give me bullshit and say that maybe there will be someone else. Truth is though you will never find someone else. There will be no one comparing to Senna, because she was unique. There won't be ever someone like her but do try molding every person that you meet in that precise pattern and see what happens."
"I don't try to find an other Senna." Ichigo replies angrily.
"Right, then why not give people a chance? You will find excuses for every person that you will meet and you will avoid any relationship until you will be old and alone, bitter with the life that you had. Cherishing Senna's memory is not by burying yourself alive, it is by living your life and protecting the memories that you had together. It is by moving on. Don't use her as an excuse to avoid relationships because then you are the one who actually soils her memory. And you know that she would have never judged you. She the least of all."
"You don't understand, Karin." His voice halfway breaks. "You don't understand how it is like to live with the knowledge that you won't be able to see the person that you love for the rest of your life. And you don't understand the guilt that enwraps me every time I remotely think about moving along with my life."
"And that guilt is misplaced, Ichi-nii. You are right. I don't understand because I haven't been in your situation but I have watched you die a little inside every day." Karin starts crying again and this time takes his hand. "I can't do this anymore, Ichi-nii. We all can't do this anymore. Watching you deny yourself like that is like watching a train wreck over and over again. Look at me." Karin looks sadly at Ichigo and the young man feels drowned in her sorrow. "It is alright to love again."
"Karin, I-"
"It is all right to love again." She emphasizes each word, not letting him speak. "It is all right to go out with other people and let them love you back. It is all right to forget things. And you will keep forgetting, Ichi-nii because this is our life. This is how it goes. It doesn't mean disrespecting someone's memory. It is just simple survival. Stop running away from it. Do you like Byakuya Kuchiki?"
"Yes." Ichigo answers without hesitation startling himself.
"Then go out with him, love and be loved. Perhaps he will break your heart. Perhaps you will get to be with him until the end of time. But don't hide anymore. Don't let this fear driving away the little hope you have left and most of all, don't let Senna stop you from living. I think she is horrified and disgusted to see you using her memory like that."
"You don't know that."
"Actually I do. What did she always say to us? Love is the most important thing in every person's life. You know how much she lacked that until she met you. You know how she hated people losing their love for the sake of some arbitrary reasons. Don't pretend that it is not your cowardice that keeps you away from Byakuya. We both know the truth."
"I don't know how to move on, not to feel guilty about all this." He breathes burying his head in her small hands as she kisses the top of his head.
"I think it is high time you learned that, Ichi-nii."
"Do you think I should call him?" He asks after a while in a frail voice and Karin makes him raise his head before smiling gently.
"I think you should go to him. I wouldn't answer the phone if I saw who was looking for me."
"Right."
Ichigo picks up his cell phone and dials Byakuya's office number. He speaks with Lisa who tells him that Byakuya is still at the office and that he will stay there for a while. He thanks her and asks her politely not to tell Byakuya he called, murmuring something about a surprise. She seems not to know about the rift between the two of them so she is more than glad to oblige.
After he ends the conversation, he looks hopeful at Karin who rolls his eyes.
"Just go. I will stay with Shuu-chan until you get back."
"You know that you might send me to a moment of total heartbreak right?"
"After how you behaved with the poor man, I think you actually deserve it."
"Right."
"Good luck though." She kisses his cheek and then hugs him tightly.
"Thank you. Karin. You are a great sister and I love you very much."
"I love you too, you big sap."
Ichigo drives carefully, slow music playing in the background. He thinks about the things his sister said and knows them to be true. He knows that in the morning, he will have to move Senna's picture in the living room and that he will have to talk with Shuuhei about it. However, for now he wonders if things with Byakuya won't end tonight. He knows that he behaved like a brat instead of an adult man. Nevertheless, there are still so many things to learn, so many things to heal and he knows that not all of them are solely about him.
He parks his car in front of Byakuya's new office building and waits. It is the best he can do. He tries to come up with good excuses for his behavior but they are futile at worst and flimsy at best. The excuse I have been a coward can get one out of messes for so long.
When he sees Byakuya in the big lobby of the building, saying good-bye to the guard there, Ichigo gets out of the car and surrounds it so that he can become visible to Byakuya. The older man looks tired but Ichigo is surprised to feel an incredible rush of affection sweeping over him, when a few of those dark tresses fall over the beautiful face.
Byakuya reads something on his cell phone and he raises his eyes just in time for the automatic door to open and reveal Ichigo in the street light. The man freezes as Ichigo's own breath starts accelerate. He swallows hard because how can someone truly apologize for this? His hands shake minutely as he takes a step forward while Byakuya finally moves from the door. He puts the cell phone in his pocket and takes small steps towards Ichigo. They are half way to each other when Ichigo finally dares to smile wobbly. Byakuya's face remains unreadable and Ichigo fears for a moment that this is all too late. Almost two weeks without any sign, two weeks of unanswered phone calls and ignoring.
Surprisingly though when they are finally face to face, Byakuya takes a deep breath and suddenly wraps an arm around Ichigo, pulling him tight to his body and keeping him so close that Ichigo can almost feel his heart. Ichigo's both hands come up, taking full fists of Byakuya's smart jacket and harshly breathes before whispering:
"I'm sorry. I'm so sorry."
Byakuya doesn't reply but there is no need for that. His arm is an anchor keeping Ichigo tight and for the first time in four years, Ichigo breathes freely. They stay like that, uncaring about the eventual stares that they might get from people, ignoring everyone else except their own presence and when Byakuya suddenly ruthlessly kisses him, Ichigo knows that even if this ends up in heartbreak, it will still be an amazing experience.
A/N: Thank you to the anonymous reader who pointed out the mistake in the summary of the story. And thank you to all of you who review/ favorite/alert or read this story.