"Oh Daddy"
All titles are songs from the seventies. This song is by Fleetwood Mac.
I own nothing, so don't sue. I'm just trying to fix the horrible disaster that was Season 8. This would be episode 8-3.
Thank you again to everyone who has been reading and reviewing! I really appreciate you taking the time to do so.
ACT
SCENE 1
INT. FORMAN BASEMENT. AFTERNOON. ABOUT SEVEN WEEKS AFTER JACKIE AND HYDE'S WEDDING. HYDE IS IN HIS CHAIR WITH JACKIE ON HIS LAP. FEZ IS ON THE COUCH WITH HIS ARM AROUND LAURIE. DONNA IS SITTING NEXT TO THEM. KELSO IS IN THE LAWN CHAIR AND ERIC IS AT THE DEEP FREEZE. THEY ARE WATCHING TV. KITTY COMES DOWN THE STAIRS.
KITTY:
(calling as she walks down the stairs) Eric ...
ERIC:
Mom, whatever it is Hyde did it.
KITTY:
(stands behind the couch) It's about your father.
ERIC:
Oh. Well in that case, (points) Fez and Laurie did it.
FEZ:
(under his breath to Laurie) Geez, you give a guy one heart attack and they never let you forget it. (Laurie nods in agreement)
KITTY:
This Sunday is Father's Day and I thought it might be nice if we did something special for your dad.
HYDE:
(with a sarcastic smile) Ah Father's Day, or as I like to call it - Maybe, Maybe Not Day.
ERIC:
Mom, the only thing Dad wants for Father's Day is to for me to leave him the hell alone.
KITTY:
Now that's just not true. Where would you get an idea like that?
ERIC:
Well, Dad says it to me every year.
DONNA:
(to Kitty) I think it's a great idea.
JACKIE:
(nods) Me too.
KELSO:
(gives the girls an irritated look) You know, how come every time I have an idea you girls shoot me down.
DONNA:
Because your ideas generally involve Jackie and I taking our clothes off.
KELSO:
(pouting) It doesn't mean they're not good ideas, Donna.
JACKIE:
(excited) Ooh, how about a barbeque?
DONNA:
That's perfect, Joanne and I can grill.
HYDE:
(to Donna) You know how to grill?
DONNA:
(shrugs) Barbeque pits scare Eric.
ERIC:
(loudly and a little embarrassed) Because they're really, really hot!
KELSO:
(excitedly raises his hand) I'm in! Anything involving fire sounds good to me!
HYDE:
I'm in too, (he smiles) because barbeque equals beer.
FEZ:
(smiling) And beer plus fire plus Kelso equals hilarity.
ERIC:
And quite often, a trip to the ER.
KELSO GIVES A BIG, DOPEY GRIN
END SCENE
CUT TO THEME SONG.
ACT 1
SCENE 2
INT. FORMAN BASEMENT THE FRIDAY BEFORE FATHER'S DAY. EARLY AFTERNOON. FEZ AND LAURIE ARE SITTING ON THE DEEP FREEZE. HYDE IS IN HIS CHAIR. JACKIE, KELSO AND DONNA ARE ON THE COUCH. ERIC IS IN THE LAWN CHAIR, WRITING ON A PIECE OF PAPER.
DONNA:
Ok, Eric, read back what the list says so far.
ERIC:
Ok, (reading) "things we need for the barbeque: number one - hot dogs, number two - beer."
HYDE:
(nods) And the list is done.
JACKIE:
(gives Hyde an exasperated look) No, it's not done.
HYDE:
(to Jackie) You're right. Number three - chips. (pauses and smiles) Now it's done.
JACKIE:
You guys, we need a gimmick. Every good party has a gimmick, like - (thinking) a disco ball, or badminton.
KELSO:
(puts his arm around Jackie and gives Hyde a taunting smile) Or wife swapping.
HYDE:
Kelso, you're such a moron. Who are you planning on swapping me for Jackie - Fez? 'Cause he's the closest thing you've got to a wife man.
FEZ:
(nodding, sadly) He's right, my friend. You really need to find yourself a girlfriend.
DONNA:
(pointing at Kelso threateningly) No wife swapping at our barbeque. In fact don't even mention it because my dad might think it sounds like fun.
FEZ:
(raises his hand excitedly) Ooh I have got it! A pinata.
ERIC:
Fez, my dad's not really a pinata kind of guy. Now if we strung a commie up for him, I bet he'd hit that.
HYDE:
(with a smirk) Hey, how about a pinata that looks like Fez. I bet Red would go crazy whacking the little thing. I mean who wouldn't want to take a whack at something that looks like the guy who's nailing your daughter.
KELSO:
(spastically jumping up off the couch) I got it! That's what I'm gonna invent! Pinatas that look like me. I could go down and sell them at the VFW to all the guys whose daughters I've done it with. I'll be rich!
LAURIE:
(to Kelso) I wish you were a pinata. (with an evil smile) Then every time Hyde hit you we could all get some candy.
FEZ:
(smiling at Laurie) Ooh a burn and candy - it's genius.
KELSO, POUTING SITS BACK DOWN ON THE COUCH.
JACKIE:
(to the girls) You guys, we better get going. It's gonna be crazy at the grocery store today, it's sample day. (with disgust) All the ugos are probably already lined up outside the door. (points at the guys) Don't forget to leave your money for the present.
FEZ:
Oh Laurie, my lovely, could you pick me up some ...
LAURIE:
(interrupts him) M&Ms, blow pops and jelly beans. Don't worry I won't forget.
FEZ:
(to the guys with a smile) She knows my every want and desire.
HYDE:
Hey Jackie, why don't you pick up a little something for me too.
JACKIE:
Steven, we're going to the grocery store, not the alley behind The Hub.
HYDE:
Just find Julio in the deli and ask him for "Hyde's Special of the Day" he'll know what you mean.
JACKIE:
(rolling her eyes she gives him a kiss) Goodbye.
JACKIE HEADS UPSTAIRS, LAURIE GIVES FEZ A KISS AND DONNA GIVES ERIC A KISS AND THEN THEY TOO HEAD UPSTAIRS. KELSO LOOKS AT THE OTHER GUYS AND THEN WATCHES THE GIRLS GO UP THE STAIRS.
KELSO:
(yelling at the girls) Not one of you chicks has a little love for Kelso?
THE GUYS ALL SIT IN SILENCE. HYDE REACHES FOR A MAGAZINE AND FEZ JOINS KELSO ON THE COUCH.
ERIC:
Wow. It's so quiet in here.
KELSO:
That's 'cause the chicks are gone.
FEZ:
(with a content smile) It's peaceful.
HYDE:
(getting a mischievous look in his eyes) You know what else is peaceful?
THE GUYS ALL LOOK AT EACH OTHER.
CUT TO CIRCLE
THE SONG "WHAT IS LIFE" BY GEORGE HARRISON PLAYS IN THE BACKGROUND.
CUT TO ERIC
ERIC:
Wow, this is the first circle we've had without the girls in a long time.
CUT TO HYDE
HYDE:
(nodding) Yeah. Just us guys, man.
CUT TO KELSO
KELSO:
(with a big, spaced-out smile) What should we talk about?
CUT TO FEZ
FEZ:
(excitedly) Let's talk about our women.
EVERYONE THROWS STUFF AT FEZ.
FEZ:(cont'd)
(angry - Fez style) Hey, you three sons of three bitches, now that I have a woman to talk about I will talk about her. (he pauses and smiles) So. How many times did you whores do it last night?
AGAIN, EVERYONE THROWS SOMETHING AT FEZ.
FEZ:
Ai! (pouting) Why can't you ever throw candy?
END SCENE
CUT TO BUMPER
ACT 1
SCENE 3
INT FORMAN KITCHEN. THE NEXT MORNING. ERIC, HYDE, KITTY AND JOANNE ARE SEATED AT THE TABLE. THERE IS A PIECE OF PAPER ON THE TABLE AND JOANNE AND KITTY ARE STUDYING IT.
KITTY:
Boys, this is a perfect gift. Red and Bob are going to have so much fun at the Brewers game. And look at these seats, (she smiles proudly) they're so close they'll probably get tobacco spit on them. (she laughs)
HYDE:
Yeah, I'm gonna go pick up the tickets tomorrow morning before the party.
ERIC:
And we're gonna give them whatever money's left over after we pay for the tickets so they can buy beer and stuff.
JOANNE:
(smiles) Oh that's Bob's favorite part of baseball, the beer and stuff. He doesn't even really care about the game as long as he has nachos.
ERIC:
(standing up) All right, well, we better get going. The first shipment comes into the store today so we'll be there pretty late tonight.
KITTY:
(stands and goes to get her camera) Oh, now before you go I just want to get a picture of you going off to your first day at your new job.
HYDE:
(in a teasing tone) Yeah, Forman, say cheese.
ERIC:
(rolls his eyes) Mom, please, I don't want a picture.
HYDE EXITS OUT THE SLIDING DOOR FOLLOWED BY ERIC. A FEW SECONDS PASS AND ERIC RUNS BACK INSIDE LOOKING A LITTLE NERVOUS.
ERIC:
Mom, quick take my picture (he holds up a small toy) and try to get Luke Skywalker in it too.
KITTY SMILES EXCITEDLY AND STARTS SNAPPING PICTURES.
END SCENE
CUT TO BUMPER
ACT 1
SCENE 4
INT. GROOVES RECORD STORE. A FEW HOURS LATER. THERE ARE A FEW CUSTOMERS WANDERING AROUND AND HYDE IS PUTTING AWAY SOME RECORDS. ERIC COMES IN FOLLOWED BY W.B.
HYDE:
(to W.B. and Eric) Hey, how's it going next door?
W.B.:
Well, it would be going a lot faster if Eric would quit playing with all the merchandise.
ERIC:
(embarrassed) I'm not playing. It's quality control.
ERIC WANDERS OFF TO THE LISTENING PIT.
HYDE:
(shifting his weight like he's a little nervous) W.B, I wanted to get you something, you know, for Father's Day. But since you're so stinking rich I figured you probably already have everything you need. So, I just got you the same gift I give everyone.
HYDE REACHES BEHIND THE COUNTER AND PULLS OUT A BROWN PAPER BAG. HE HANDS IT TO W.B. WHO LOOKS IN IT AND SMILES AT HYDE.
W.B.:
You give this to everyone?
HYDE:
Well, except Jackie. She has a rule, no gifts in brown paper bags.
W.B.:
(sincerely) Thanks, son.
HYDE:
I'm glad you like it because you'll also be getting it for Christmas and your birthday.
W.B.:
(pats Hyde on the back) How about a little father son bonding?
HYDE:
(smiles) That's why it's the gift that keeps on giving.
THEY HEAD TOWARDS THE OFFICE.
END SCENE
CUT TO BUMPER.
ACT 1
SCENE 5
INT. DONNA'S BEDROOM. THAT AFTERNOON. DONNA IS LAYING ON HER BED READING A BOOK. JACKIE BURSTS INTO THE ROOM, SHE IS GRINNING FROM EAR TO EAR.
DONNA:
(looking at Jackie strangely) Why are you smiling so un-naturally big?
JACKIE:
Guess!
DONNA:
(frowns) Oh God, is Barbara Streisand coming to town?
JACKIE:
Nope, guess again.
DONNA:
(annoyed) I don't know, the mall finally got an Orange Julius.
JACKIE:
(exasperated, but still smiling) God, you are terrible at his game.
DONNA:
(irritated) That's because I hate this game. Just tell me what it is so I can get on with my day.
JACKIE:
(yells) I'm pregnant! (she starts jumping up and down and clapping)
DONNA:
(stunned) Holy hell, screw my day. Sit your ass down!
DONNA GRABS JACKIE BY THE WRIST AND PULLS HER DOWN ONTO THE BED.
END SCENE
CUT TO COMMERCIAL
ACT 2
SCENE 1
INT. DONNA'S BEDROOM. A SHORT WHILE LATER. JACKIE AND DONNA ARE SITTING ON HER BED. JACKIE CANNOT STOP SMILING AND DONNA LOOKS ABSOLUTELY SHOCKED.
JACKIE:
Donna, are you ok? 'Cause you look like you're gonna pass out and I don't want you to land on me and squish my baby.
DONNA:
I can't believe it. I cannot believe you're pregnant. Now, are you sure, because if you'll recall we've been down this road before.
JACKIE:
(nodding) I'm sure. My doctor just called. (bouncing up and down on the bed) I'm gonna be a mommy!
JACKIE STARTS CLAPPING AGAIN AND ALL OF A SUDDEN DONNA JOINS HER. THEY'RE BOTH CLAPPING AND BOUNCING ON THE BED LIKE TWO LITTLE KIDS.
DONNA:
(with a huge smile) Oh my God! I'm bouncing!
JACKIE:
Doesn't it make things more fun!
DONNA:
(suddenly stops bouncing and covers her mouth in shock) Have you told Hyde yet?
JACKIE:
(she stops bouncing and looks a little nervous) No. I'm trying to think of a way to tell him that won't kill him.
DONNA:
(smiles nervously at Jackie) So, do I hug you, do you need me to get you some ice cream, what? I don't know what I'm supposed to do.
JACKIE:
(laughing) Give me a hug you big lumberjack. (points at her) But don't squeeze me too tight or ...
DONNA:
(interrupts her) I know, I know I'll squish the baby.
DONNA LAUGHS AND GIVES JACKIE A HUG. THEN DONNA PULLS AWAY AND LOOKS AT JACKIE.
DONNA:(cont'd)
(seriously) Are you scared?
JACKIE:
(with a small smile) You know what, I'm not. I mean I know Steven and I are young but we can do this. Ok, it's a little sooner than we had planned. But we've got some money saved up, we've got our house and ... (she pauses and looks Donna in the eyes) I really want to be a good mom Donna.
DONNA:
(gives Jackie a smile) I think you're gonna do just fine.
JACKIE:
(very touched) Thanks, Donna. (she pauses) God, I hope Steven is happy.
DONNA:
(starts laughing) Oh my God, Hyde is gonna be a dad. Jackie, this is like the best burn ever.
JACKIE PLAYFULLY HITS HER AND THEY BOTH LAUGH.
END SCENE
CUT TO BUMPER.
ACT 2
SCENE 2
INT. FORMAN BASEMENT. THAT NIGHT. FEZ AND KELSO ARE SITTING ON THE COUCH. ALICE COOPER'S "SCHOOL'S OUT" IS PLAYING IN THE BACKGROUND.
KELSO:
Do you think Hyde will realize his stash is all gone?
FEZ:
Of course he will. We will just have to do what we always do. Blame Eric.(he pause, squishing up his face like he's thinking) I am hungry. Kelso, go make me some toast.
KELSO:
No way, man. You're the foreigner, you go make me some toast.
FEZ:
But I like the way you make the toast. You get the edges so nice and crispy just the way I like them.
KELSO:
(shrugs and smiles) That's true. I do make really good toast.
THEY BOTH TAKE OFF RUNNING UP THE STAIRS TO THE KITCHEN.
CUT TO FEZ AND KELSO IN THE FORMAN'S KITCHEN. KELSO IS RIFFLING TROUGH THE CUPBOARDS AND FEZ IS IN THE FRIDGE.
KELSO:
Wow, there's a lot of good snacks in here.
FEZ:
Screw the snacks, look at the delicious treats in the fridge.
KELSO:
(joins Fez looking into the fridge) Potato salad, baked beans, hot dogs, brats. It's almost like somebody just spent hours cooking all this delicious food for something special.
FEZ:
Do me eyes deceive me or is that icy cold, delicious beer.
THEY LOOK AT EACH OTHER FOR A MOMENT, THEY SMILE AND THEN THEY FRANTICALLY START GRABBING FOOD OUT OF THE FRIDGE AND PUTTING IT ON THE COUNTER. FEZ QUICKLY GRABS SOME SILVERWARE AND KELSO GRABS PLATES.
FEZ:
(stops and stares at Kelso) A little voice inside my head is telling me we should not be eating this.
KELSO:
Fez, I told you it's not normal to hear voices. Now tell 'em to pipe down so we can eat in peace.
THEY START LOADING UP THEIR PLATES WITH FOOD.
END SCENE
CUT TO BUMPER
ACT 2
SCENE 3
INT. FORMAN BASEMENT. LATE THAT NIGHT. FEZ AND KELSO ARE SITTING ON THE COUCH. THERE ARE BEER CANS, PLATES AND EMPTY CHIP BAGS EVERYWHERE. HYDE AND ERIC COME IN THROUGH THE BASEMENT DOOR AND LOOK AROUND IN SHOCK AT THE MESS.
HYDE:
What in the hell happened in here?
ERIC:
I'll give you two guesses. (points to Fez) One. (points to Kelso) Two.
HYDE:
What did you morons do?
KELSO:
(getting excited) Well, see, Fez and I were hungry so we went upstairs and there was all this food; hot dogs, chips, even a giant cheese tray.
FEZ:
And then we were really thirsty and guess what? Next to the food there was beer. Icy cold, delicious beer.
KELSO:
(starts spazing out) But here's the best part, we found $105.00 just sitting here on the table and it didn't have anyone's name on it, so we took it.
FEZ:
(proudly) Yes, and we bought candy and porn.
KELSO:
(yells) This has been the greatest day of my life!
ERIC AND HYDE JUST STARE AT FEZ AND KELSO. LIKE THEY CAN'T BELIEVE IT.
HYDE:
So. You found all this food. And all this beer.
KELSO:
(laughing) And the money, don't forget about the money.
HYDE:
Thanks Kelso. How could I forget about the money?
ERIC:
Did it ever occur to you guys that this stuff was for, oh I don't know, (yells) THE PARTY TOMORROW!
KELSO:
(slowly) Well no, but it's occurring to me now.
FEZ:
(looks very sad) Oh my God, I feel terrible. (smiles perversely) I will have to drown my sorrows in candy and porn.
ERIC:
Yeah, that's the other thing.
HYDE:
(looks like he's going to lose it) Think back. Think waaaay back to yesterday when we chipped in $15.00 apiece to buy Red and Bob tickets to the Brewers game. What's fifteen times seven morons?
KELSO:
Hyde please, we just drank a case of beer. We're in no shape to do math.
HYDE STARTS QUICKLY RUMMAGING AROUND THROUGH STUFF LIKE HE'S LOOKING FOR SOMETHING.
ERIC:
(to Hyde) What are you doing, man?
HYDE:
(yells) Looking for the b.b. gun. I'm gonna shoot them!
FEZ:
(panicking) Oh my God, please do not kill me. I just started getting some, I'm not ready to die yet.
ERIC:
(starting to freak out) You botards ate all the food for tomorrow, not to mention the beer and the money. Where in the hell are we gonna find a grocery store that's open right now? This ain't the big city, man, it's not like we live in Kenosha!
HYDE:
You jerks have cost me money and now you're gonna cost me sleep. So somebody's gonna have to lose an eye.
KELSO:
(jumps off of the couch) Oh crap, Hyde's got a gun!
HYDE PULLS THE B.B. GUN OUT OF A BOX AND POINTS IT AT KELSO AND FEZ. THEY BOTH DIVE UNDER THE COFFEE TABLE. SUDDENLY THE DOOR OPENS AND JACKIE AND DONNA WALK IN.
JACKIE:
(a little breathless) Oh my God, Steven, there you are.
HYDE:
Thanks, Jackie, I was wondering where I was.
JACKIE:
I've been waiting up for you. (she smiles) I need to talk to you.
SHE SUDDENLY NOTICES HYDE IS HOLDING A B.B. GUN. SHE LOOKS AROUND AND SEES THE MESS.
JACKIE:(cont'd)
What's going on down here?
HYDE:
(angrily) The moron twins had a little party. They ate all the food, they drank all the beer and they spent all the money on candy and porn.
DONNA:
(to Fez and Kelso) You guys spent $105.00 on candy and porn? You have a serious problem, you know that right?
JACKIE:
(smiles at Hyde) Ok, but I have something really important to tell you.
HYDE:
(sarcastically) Ooh, let me guess, clogs are back in or maybe peach shimmer lipstick is back out.
JACKIE:
No, this is actually important.
HYDE:
As important as the great Bee Gees versus ABBA debate of '78? Because that was one the most important moments in my life.
JACKIE:
But ...
HYDE:
(interrupting her) Look, Jackie, we're having a party in 16 hours and we have no food, no presents and no beer. So unless your fabulous news is that someone died and left you a liquor slash grocery store, I've got stuff to do.
JACKIE:
(looks crushed) Oh, ok. (quietly) Um ... I guess it can wait.
SHE SMILES WEAKLY AND THEN TURNS AND LEAVES. DONNA WATCHES HER GO AND THEN SLOWLY STARTS PICKING EMPTY BEER CANS UP OFF OF THE FLOOR.
ERIC:
Thanks, Donna, we've gotta get this place cleaned up.
DONNA STARTS FURIOUSLY WHIPPING THE BEER CANS AT HYDE. HE SETS THE B.B. GUN DOWN AND PUTS HIS ARMS UP TRYING TO BLOCK THE CANS. FEZ AND KELSO COME UP FROM UNDER THE TABLE TO SEE WHAT'S GOING ON.
HYDE:
(yelling) What the hell, Donna?
DONNA:
(angrily points at Fez) King of the Perverts! (points at Kelso) King of the Morons! (points at Hyde, she's so mad she doesn't know what to say) King of the A-holes!
HYDE:
What are you talking about?
DONNA:
(really pissed) All I can tell you is this; very soon you will feel guilt the likes of which you have never experienced before. And when that time comes, I'm gonna be there to watch you squirm!
HYDE LOOKS AT HER VERY CONFUSED. DONNA TURNS TO LEAVE. HYDE HEADS TO HIS CHAIR. DONNA STOPS AND TURNS BACK TO HYDE.
DONNA:
Oh yeah, and one more thing.
SHE PICKS UP THE B.B. GUN AND SHOOTS HYDE IN THE BUTT. HE GRABS IT IN PAIN. DONNA STORMS OUT, STILL HOLDING THE B.B. GUN.
END SCENE
ACT 2
SCENE 4
EXT. FORMAN DRIVEWAY. MORNING. FATHER'S DAY. THE TOYOTA IS PARKED IN THE DRIVEWAY. LAURIE AND FEZ COME OUT FROM INSIDE THE KITCHEN.
FEZ:
(to Laurie) So, tell me more about confession. I can do all the naughty things I want to and then I go into a little room and tell Pastor Dave what I have done and he forgives me? So, it is like a "get out of hell free" card?
LAURIE:
Basically, yeah.
FEZ:
(smiles) Oh my God, why has no one told me of this before?
LAURIE AND FEZ GET IN THE CAR. KITTY COMES OUTSIDE FOLLOWED BY RED.
RED:
Why do I have to go to church today? It's Father's Day, I should get to choose what we do today.
KITTY:
Well, God was Jesus' father so He gets to choose what we're doing today. And He wants us to go to church.
RED:
Fine. But (points at Fez) why does Haji have to go?
KITTY:
Because, he is Laurie's husband and we are going to church as a family. And also if Laurie shows up without him people will start to talk.
RED:
(irritated) You know he's probably a pagan.
ERIC AND HYDE WALK UP THE DRIVEWAY. THEY LOOK EXHAUSTED AND ARE CARRYING SEVERAL BAGS.
KITTY:
Eric, Steven, where have you been?
ERIC:
Let's just say we've been on a little tour of the greater Osh Kosh area.
KITTY:
Eric, go get dressed for church.
ERIC:
Mom, please, I haven't slept in 26 hours.
KITTY:
(with a fake smile) Well, God doesn't really care about that. (turns to Hyde) Steven, I need you to get out all the card tables and chairs and set them all up. Then get the coals started. Oh, and Jackie's inside cooking so see if she needs any help.
HYDE:
What? Jackie's here already?
KITTY:
(nods) She was here when I got up this morning. She's been remaking all the food the boys ate.
HYDE:
She's been doing what? Where did she get all the ingredients from?
KITTY:
She just borrowed them from Bob and Joanne.
HYDE STANDS THERE LOOKING A LITTLE STUNNED. KITTY GETS INTO THE CAR. HYDE HEADS TOWARDS THE HOUSE WITH HIS BAGS. HE OPENS THE SLIDING DOOR AND DONNA POPS AROUND THE CORNER FROM INSIDE THE KITCHEN. SHE IS HOLDING THE B.B. GUN AND SHE STANDS IN THE DOORWAY, BLOCKING HYDE FROM ENTERING THE KITCHEN. SHE LOOKS INCREDIBLY PISSED.
DONNA:
(to Hyde) Where do you think you're going?
HYDE:
To talk to my wife.
DONNA:
(with fake sweetness) She's a little busy right now. Why don't you try again later.
HYDE:
Ok. Well, when do you think she won't be busy?
DONNA:
(sarcastically) Why don't you come back when hell freezes over, I think she may have an opening then.
DONNA SLIDES THE DOOR SHUT AND LOCKS IT LEAVING HYDE JUST STANDING THERE.
END SCENE
ACT 2
SCENE 5
EXT. FORMAN DRIVEWAY. THAT AFTERNOON. EVERYTHING IS ALL SET UP FOR THE BARBEQUE. THERE ARE A FEW SHOPPING BAGS ON THE DRIVEWAY AND FEZ AND LAURIE ARE LOOKING THROUGH THEM.
ERIC:
So, we could've just borrowed the food from Bob. Wow this must be the emotion Kelso feels everyday.
KELSO:
What, sexiness?
ERIC:
No. (looks at Kelso, irritated) Stupidity.
KELSO:
(pouting) Man, what's bugging you guys today?
HYDE:
Oh I don't know, maybe the fact that we haven't slept in two days.
KELSO:
Oh yeah, sorry I couldn't help you this morning. But Brooke and Betsy really wanted to take me out to breakfast.
ERIC:
Why is it that the irresponsible things you do, like, um, impregnate a girl at a rock concert, always pay off for you.
KELSO:
(shrugs) I'm just lucky that way I guess.
FEZ:
(looking into one of the bags) You guys could not have found better gifts? (pouting he holds up a God-awful ugly tie) I cannot give this to Red, the man already hates me. This is not going to help the situation.
HYDE:
Fez, at two in the morning trying to find a gift for Red that would make him like you wasn't really a priority.
LAURIE:
Oh here, give it to me. Jackie's inside wrapping presents. Maybe she can just put a really pretty bow on it and nobody will notice how ugly it is.
LAURIE TAKES THE PRESENT FROM FEZ AND CROSSES TOWARDS THE SLIDING DOOR.
ERIC:
(yells after Laurie) While she's at it, have her put a big bow on you too.
LAURIE STICKS HER TONGUE OUT AT ERIC AND HEADS INTO THE HOUSE.
KELSO:
How come you guys didn't buy me any Father's Day presents?
HYDE:
'Cause you're not our father moron.
KELSO:
I'm somebody's father.
HYDE:
That's not how it works.
KELSO:
When it's you guys' birthday I buy you presents even though you're not my kid.
HYDE LOOKS AT KELSO LIKE HE CAN'T BELIEVE WHAT AN IDIOT HE IS, THEN HE LOOKS AT ERIC WHO IS STARING AT KELSO, DUMBFOUNDED BY HIS STUPIDITY.
ERIC:
(to Hyde) I'm running out of ways to explain things to him.
ACT 2
SCENE 6
EXT. FORMAN DRIVEWAY. A FEW HOURS LATER THE BARBEQUE IS IN FULL SWING. JACKIE, DONNA, LAURIE, FEZ AND KITTY ARE SITTING IN CHAIRS NEAR THE BASKETBALL HOOP. BOB IS SITTING IN THE MIDDLE OF THE DRIVEWAY, JOANNE IS NEXT TO HIM. RED IS STANDING NEAR HIM, HAVING A BEER. ERIC, HYDE AND KELSO AND SITTING ON THE PORCH. THEY ARE ALL HAVING A BEER. RED AND BOB HAVE SOME OPENED PRESENTS AT THEIR FEET.
BOB:
(reaches for a present) Looks like this one is for me.
HE LOOKS AT A PRESENT WRAPPED IN VERY TACKY METALLIC PAPER. HE STARTS SNIFFLING.
BOB:(cont'd)
Oh Donna, it's just beautiful.
DONNA:
Um yeah, Dad, usually people open presents and then they cry.
BOB:
I'm sorry. I just love the shiny paper. (he opens the present) Ooh, the present's shiny too. (he holds up a pair of shiny white shoes) Thanks, honey!
DONNA:
(with a laugh) You're welcome, Dad.
RED:
Bob, if you're gonna cry, you're going to have to go home.
BOB SNIFFLES AND NODS. LAURIE COMES FORWARD AND HOLDS OUT A PRESENT TO RED.
LAURIE:
Here, Daddy, open mine.
ERIC:
(sarcastically) Oh Laurie, that's so sweet. The last thing you gave Dad was ... hmm... let's see.. oh yeah, (he yells) a heart attack!
HYDE:
(to Eric) Yeah well that's not as bad as the last thing she gave Kelso.
KELSO:
(quietly) That's not funny, Hyde. It still itches.
RED:
(to Eric and Hyde) Am I going to open my present or am I gonna shove both my feet up both your asses?
ERIC:
Um, I'm gonna chose option number one. The one where nothing gets shoved up my ass.
RED SCOWLS AT ERIC AND THEN TURNS BACK TO OPEN UP HIS PRESENT. LAURIE IS EXCITEDLY HOVERING OVER HIM. RED OPENS THE BOX AND HOLDS UP THE GOD-AWFUL TIE
LAURIE:
It's a new tie!
ERIC:
(in a mocking tone) Wow, that's so creative, Laurie.
LAURIE:
(with an evil smile) Well, I was gonna give him a skinny, twitchy moron - but Mom already gave him one of those.
FEZ:
Super hot burn, my lovely!
LAURIE SMILES SWEETLY AT FEZ. KITTY CROSSES TO RED CARRYING TWO BOXES WRAPPED IN IDENTICAL PAPER. SHE HANDS THEM TO RED.
KITTY:
Here are some more presents, Red. These are from Steven and Jackie.
RED OPENS ONE OF THE GIFTS. HE SMILES AS HE LOOKS INTO THE BOX AND THEN HE PULLS OUT A SIX PACK OF BEER.
RED:
(turns to face Hyde) Now this is a present.
HYDE:
Yeah well, stick with what works right.
RED TURNS BACK AROUND AND GOES TO OPEN THE SECOND PRESENT.
KITTY:
Ooh, two presents. (she laughs) Steven, you big spender.
JACKIE:
(stands up) Actually ...
RED DOESN'T HEAR HER. HE OPENS THE BOX AND PULLS OUT A VERY TINY ROLLING STONES TEE SHIRT THEN HE HOLDS IT UP AND LOOKS AT IT, VERY CONFUSED.
RED:
What the hell is this?
JACKIE:
(quietly, like she's embarrassed) That was for Steven.
HYDE, WHO IS BEHIND RED ON THE PORCH, CAN'T SEE WHAT RED IS HOLDING.
KELSO:
(with a dopey grin) Man, Hyde's gonna be pissed Jackie shrunk his favorite shirt.
BY NOW EVERYONE IS VERY QUIET AND STARING AT THE SHIRT RED IS HOLDING. PEOPLE SEEMS TO BE SLOWLY GRASPING WHAT'S GOING ON. HYDE GETS UP AND CROSSES TO RED. HYDE TAKES THE SHIRT FROM RED THEN TAKES HIS SUNGLASSES OFF AND JUST STARES AT THE SHIRT.
JACKIE:
(very sweetly) Happy Father's Day, Steven.
HYDE LOOKS FROM THE SHIRT TO JACKIE AND BACK TO THE SHIRT AGAIN. HIS FACE IS VERY ZEN. NO ONE MOVES. EVERYONE SEEMS TO BE HOLDING THEIR BREATH WAITING FOR HYDE TO REACT AND HE JUST STANDS THERE. JACKIE IS SMILING HOPEFULLY AT HIM.
HYDE:
(very Zen and still staring at the shirt) Huh.
JACKIE'S SMILE FALLS AND SHE LOOKS LIKE SHE'S GOING TO CRY.
ERIC:
(whispering to Kelso) Here's where Hyde loses it.
SUDDENLY HYDE CROSSES THE DRIVEWAY TO REACH JACKIE. HE GRABS HER AND KISSES HER, HARD. JACKIE THROWS HER ARMS AROUND HIS NECK AND IT LOOKS LIKE THEY MIGHT KEEP KISSING FOREVER BUT THEY ARE INTERRUPTED BY KITTY'S CLAPPING.
KITTY:
(ecstatic) We're going to have a baby!
JACKIE AND HYDE BREAK THEIR KISS AND TURN TO LOOK AT KITTY. JACKIE SMILES AND HYDE LETS OUT A LITTLE CHUCKLE. THE TENSION BROKEN EVERYBODY GETS UP AND HEADS OVER TO JACKIE AND HYDE.
CUT TO ERIC AND KELSO ON THE PORCH
ERIC:
(stunned) Holy crap.
KELSO:
(with a big dopey grin) I know. Hyde's not even mad she shrunk his shirt.
CUT BACK TO EVERYONE ON THE DRIVEWAY. KITTY IS HUGGING JACKIE AND WILL NOT LET GO.
JACKIE:
(with a muffled voice) Mrs. Forman, you're squishing me.
KITTY LETS GO OF HER.
KITTY:
(to Jackie) Sorry, sweetie. (leans down to talk to Jackie's stomach) Sorry, baby. (she laughs)
RED:
(to Hyde) I'm glad that heart attack didn't kill me. (with a wicked smile) This is going to be fun to watch. (he pats Hyde on the back)
DONNA:
(very excited and gloating a little) I knew! I knew and I kept it a secret for a whole day! So there!
KITTY:
Jackie, how far along are you sweetie?
JACKIE:
(smiles slyly) Eight weeks.
KITTY:
Jackie, you've only been married for (she pauses, thinking) eight weeks.
LAURIE:
(with a smile) Wow, Hyde, that's impressive.
FEZ:
Yes. Your little men are mighty indeed.
JACKIE LOOKS AT HYDE, WAITING FOR HIM TO SAY SOMETHING. HE LOOKS INCREDIBLY GUILTY.
HYDE:
I'm pretty much the biggest ass in the world right now.
JACKIE:
(nods) Pretty much yeah.
HYDE:
(quietly) God, Jackie, I'm sorry.
JACKIE:
(nervously) Steven, just tell me you're happy and we'll forget about it.
HYDE:
(he pauses and smiles at her) Come here.
HYDE PULLS JACKIE TO HIM AND KISSES HER. THEN HE STOPS, PULLS BACK AND LOOKS AT HER.
HYDE:(cont'd)
Are you serious, you're really just gonna forget about last night?
JACKIE:
(she smiles sweetly and then instantly changes to glaring) Oh no, it's getting filed away under the fact that you forgot you proposed to me and I will use it against you at my discretion.
KITTY STARTS HEADING INTO THE HOUSE.
KITTY:
Who wants some cake?
FEZ:
Ooh, Fez does!
KITTY:
(calling over her shoulder) Jackie, you come inside and have a glass of milk.
JACKIE:
(snuggling up to Hyde) Oh that's ok, Mrs. Forman. I'm fine.
KITTY:
(a little crazed) Jackie. Milk. Now!
JACKIE RUNS INTO THE HOUSE FOLLOWED BY FEZ, LAURIE, JOANNE, BOB AND RED. DONNA AND HYDE ARE LEFT ON THE DRIVEWAY. ERIC AND KELSO LEAVE THE PORCH AND JOIN THEM.
ERIC:
(still shocked) Holy crap.
HYDE:
(nodding at Eric) I know.
ERIC:
Holy crap.
HYDE:
(to Donna) So, I guess this explains the b.b. in the ass. (looking very guilty) The well deserved b.b. in the ass, I might add.
DONNA:
(she laughs) Yep. This would be the reason why. (sincerely) This is awesome, Hyde, really. (She hugs him)
HYDE:
(smiling) I know, man.
ERIC:
Holy crap.
HYDE:
(irritated) Forman, will you shut up.
DONNA:
So, anybody feel like celebrating?
HYDE:
I feel like celebrating.
KELSO:
Ooh, me too. (whispers to Hyde) What are we celebrating?
CUT TO CIRCLE
CUT TO HYDE
HYDE:
I love celebrating.
CUT TO ERIC
ERIC:
See, Hyde, I warned you not to skip the day we covered birth control in health class.
CUT TO KELSO
KELSO:
Man, I can't believe Jackie doesn't know how to work a dryer. Now I'm really glad I didn't marry her.
CUT TO DONNA
DONNA:
(exasperated) Ok. One more time. The shirt was not Hyde's, it was for Hyde's baby.
CUT TO KELSO
KELSO:
Um, Donna, Hyde doesn't have a baby. (to the other guys like he's telling a secret) No more for Big D.
CUT TO HYDE
HYDE:
Ok, morons, listen up. I can only be in the circle for seven more months. So, new rule about the circle. (he points at all of them) No one has one without me. I don't care if I'm sleeping - wake me up. I don't care if I'm in the shower - get me out. I don't care if Jackie and I are ... ok, that's the only time you can leave me out.
JACKIE:(voice only)
(sounds like she's yelling from outside of the door) Steven, I told you to talk louder! I can't hear what you're saying.
HYDE:
(with a sly grin) Another reason to love the circle.
END SCENE
CUT TO COMMERCIAL
CREDITS
EXT FORMAN DRIVEWAY. THAT NIGHT. HYDE IS SITTING ON ONE OF THE PATIO CHAIRS WITH JACKIE CURLED UP ON HIS LAP. HE HAS HIS ARMS AROUND HER.
JACKIE:
Steven, are you really happy?
HYDE:
(very Zen) Hey, you can't have the kind of honeymoon we had and not expect there to be consequences.
JACKIE:
(looks at him) No, I'm serious. (nervously) Are you really ok, because you look like you're freaking out. (starting to panic) Oh my God, are you freaking out?
HYDE:
(flatly) Jackie, I'm not freaking out. I'm happy. This is my happy face.
JACKIE:
Well I'm sorry but your happy face and your freaking out face look a lot alike.
HYDE:
(wrapping his arms around her tighter) We're gonna be good at this.
JACKIE:
(she pauses, thinking and then looks up at him and smiles)Yeah.
THEY JUST SIT IN SILENCE FOR A MOMENT. THEN HYDE GRINS.
HYDE:
We're gonna be like the coolest parents ever.
JACKIE:
And the hottest.
HE LAUGHS AND GIVES HER A KISS.
END SCENE
END EPISODE
UP NEXT ...
"Beautiful Loser"
Kelso is depressed to discover that he's become the lonesome loser of the group.