Bioware owns Kaidan and everything in the entire universe.
Kaidan had thrown himself completely into his career over the past year. His short talk with Anderson had cleared his head enough for him to consider the options that lay before him.
Kill himself? No. Not Kaidan's style – he had fought through too much to just give up. Plus, Anderson was right - there was work to be done.
Quit the Alliance? Shepard would never have forgiven him for being so selfish.
Continue on as he was? Not an option. If he carried on as is he would surely be kicked out of the Alliance, and there wasn't anything else he could picture doing.
His best option, he quickly realized, was to work his ass off. Only by keeping himself completely absorbed in his work would he find purpose again in his life.
It wasn't easy at first. Finding the energy to get himself back into motion seemed impossible. He felt like an addict going through rehab, his body physically aching at being forced to get up and act like a normal human being.
Shepard never completely left his mind, but he began to slowly shore up a wall against the pain. Every day the wall grew a little thicker and he was able to compartmentalize just a little better.
He wouldn't let her go, but he wouldn't let her be distorted into some sort of monster who destroyed his life or was associated only with pain. He'd rather preserve her memory and leave it pure rather than smother it every day, smudging it with his desperate fingerprints until it was nigh unrecognizable. No…he would tuck it away and pull it out on special occasions when he knew he was in control of himself.
Kaidan accepted his post as Staff Commander soon after reassuming his full duties. There was something comforting in returning to work. Even during his time with Shepard he had never neglected the task at hand.
His fervent dedication to his missions left little room for personal time, exactly as he intended. However, though he generally kept to himself, he had managed to pick up a few good friends along the way who had been admirably patient with him over the past year.
As time drew on they teased him about his apparent celibacy and attempted to coerce him into going out with them. He would occasionally oblige them, seeing nothing wrong with social drinking.
Occasionally his friends would bring along a woman, whom they would unabashedly push in Kaidan's direction. Kaidan would politely but firmly keep things platonic, inoffensively displaying his lack of interest.
As an immediate result, Kaidan would reject his friends' next several invitations, never directly saying that it was because they had tried to push a woman on him, but everyone knew.
He would finally relent and join them again only to have the cycle repeat itself within a few trips.
"What was wrong with that one?" one of his friends demanded one night, as they walked home, "I always knew you had high standards but this is getting ridiculous, Kaidan."
His friend's demeanor changed. Since the two were alone, it was far easier for the man to show his genuine concern.
"Really, man, what happened to you? Was it just what happened on the Normandy? It sounds like you saw some tough stuff and you came pretty close to not making it. If you need help dealing with that…it's okay, man. I know a group you can go to," his friend said slightly awkwardly.
Kaidan eyed his friend carefully. Not sure how much of it was the alcohol he had just consumed and how much of it was just the need to get things out in the open, but his mouth finally opened, spilling out everything he had been feeling and the circumstances of his loss.
Still, he kept their most intimate moments to himself. Their future child and just how much he admired the woman. Those were his burden to bear.
There was a pause when he finished.
"Commander Shepard," his friend whistled, "I can see how it would be hard for another woman to match up to her."
"You have no idea," Kaidan said.
"Still, Kaidan…it's been almost two years. It's not healthy. Just go out on one date. Just one. Then I promise I'll shut up. I know a nice girl. Smart. Beautiful. Just give it a chance, even if nothing comes of it. You need to try."
Kaidan sighed.
A few days later, Kaidan found himself sitting on a bar stool awaiting a girl he had never met before. He was neither particularly excited nor particularly nervous.
Within a few minutes a woman walked in, curly red hair bouncing with each step. Her eyes lit up when she saw him and she steered in his direction.
"You're Kaidan, right? I'm Marissa."
"Yeah, that's me. Nice to meet you," he said, "Can I get you something?"
Over the next two hours Kaidan spent the time in polite yet essentially meaningless conversation. The woman, a doctor on the Citadel, turned out to be very bubbly, positive, and seemed to be a genuinely good person. And he supposed she was beautiful.
But Kaidan was completely unmoved. He noticed all of these things in little more than a clinical manner. Despite his effort, he found the woman…boring.
They said goodnight outside the bar. Kaidan stood with some space in between them, making no moves to close the distance. He was ready to turn around and head home when the doctor reached up and gave him a brief but tight hug.
Kaidan's stomach twisted a little, but he returned the hug. He hated to admit that it felt nice to have someone so close.
"Goodnight," he said gruffly, and returned to his house for another night of disturbed sleep.
About three weeks later, he received a call. He opened it to find Marissa smiling at him.
"Hey, Kaidan. I'm back in town for a couple days. Do you want to go out to dinner?"
"Sure," Kaidan said after a second of hesitation, "sounds good."
The two worked out a time and place, meeting up the next night. The date went essentially as the last and the doctor seemed fairly unaware of Kaidan's distance. He was trying.
Marissa called him again a few weeks later and the two went out for a longer date than before, eating dinner and then going for a long walk.
At the end of the night, Kaidan walked Marissa to her friend's apartment. Standing outside, Marissa smirked. She leaned up and quickly pecked him on the cheek. When she withdrew, she remained close to his face, bringing her body closer. She began to lean in, her lips closing in on his.
An instant before they touched, Kaidan turned his head slightly and took a step back.
"I'm sorry, Marissa. You're a fantastic woman, but I just can't do this right now. It wouldn't be fair to you."
The doctor backed up, frowning slightly. For the first time, her bubbly demeanor faltered.
"Okay, Kaidan. I'm not sure what you mean, but goodbye. Let me know if you change your mind. I won't wait for you, but I'd like to see you again."
They hadn't known each other long enough for there to be any real attachment, but he could see that his blatant rejection was something to which the woman was not accustomed and which offended her.
Kaidan felt a moment of guilt – there was nothing wrong with the woman, but he still caught himself comparing her too much to Shepard.
She leaned up as if to give him another kiss on the cheek, then thought better of it and backed up, saying goodbye with a small wave.
The man sighed, ran his hand along the back of his neck, and, tucking his hands in his pockets, began the short venture to his empty home.
A/N: It's probably pretty obvious that I didn't enjoy writing this chapter. I figured this was a pretty boring part of the story. But, moving on….