Recovery is slow but steady, both for NCIS and for Tony and Ziva. She stays at his apartment, sleeps alone in his bed, figures out a way to change clothes without his assistance, and attempts to mend the rift between them. At first he resists her efforts because it would require him to delve into feelings he would rather forget about. Her rejection had stung more than he cares to admit, even to himself, and her innocuous questions- "Would you like to watch a movie?"- just renew the hurt. They've watched movies together for a long time; she is trying to bring back an element of their close, comfortable friendship.
He just isn't sure if he can return there.
Two weeks after the explosion, the temporary NCIS offices are ready for use. On the first day, Vance and the uninjured members of all the teams are there; the cramped, dark space assigned to the MCRT contains four tiny desks. Only two are filled. The whole thing is so eerie, especially since Tony and Gibbs work mostly in silence, and as soon as Gibbs tells him to go home, he hops out of his chair and heads for the door. Even the forced politeness of his apartment is preferable to this.
He heads straight home that day. When he arrives, he finds Ziva in the kitchen and two plates of spaghetti and meatballs on the table. Brow furrowed, he looks back and forth between her and the food. "You made that with one hand?"
"Yes," she says in a 'duh' tone of voice, as if this should be a simple task for everybody over the age of six. "It was not difficult."
That's when he thinks that damn, this woman is amazing, and realizes how very important it is that he not lose her, even if they must remain friends and partners and nothing else.
They sit down and eat together. Tony rehashes the few highlights of his day at work, then steers the conversation in a more cheerful, lighter direction. Once their plates are empty, she asks yet again if he would like to watch a movie.
He says yes.
There are about two feet of space between them when they settle into the couch. It is strange not to feel her warmth right beside him or have her curled into him, but of course there is a reason they're keeping their distance. Instead of lamenting the loss of familiarity, he decides to just be grateful they're doing this at all.
About halfway through the movie, he feels Ziva watching him. He initially acts oblivious but, eventually, cannot resist glancing over at her. She is rolling her lips, looking uncertain, and he soon figures out that she is wondering if she's allowed to rest her head on his shoulder.
Maybe she should be uncertain; she did reject him. And maybe he should deny her his touch… but he doesn't.
In fact, he doesn't think twice before extending his arms and pulling her to him. She relaxes; he feels her smile through his shirt.
He hopes she knows that anytime she wants to be in his arms, she is welcome.
0000000000
Another week passes. Ziva gets cabin fever and comes back to work, and they are down to one empty desk. It's a relief, but it's nothing like three days later, when Palmer calls to say that Ducky has been cleared to travel and will be home the next day.
Just like that, the mood in the dreary office is vastly improved. Tony and Ziva, both beaming, gather around Gibbs' desk and listen to him give the news to Abby, who is still staying at the hospital with McGee. Her squeal causes Gibbs to wince and hold the phone away from his ear, but really, it's a good sound.
They manage to convince her that all of them showing up at the airport might be overwhelming for Ducky; eventually, she agrees to visiting at his house once Palmer has him settled in. After work on the day he arrives in D.C., the three agents head to the hospital to pick Abby up and have a quick visit with McGee, who the doctors have deemed unfit to accompany his team.
Their reunion consists mostly of sitting around in the living room and talking, as Ducky is tired and peaked and prefers to lay down. Still, it's good to have (almost) everybody back together; the time does pass quickly as they enjoy each other's company. Too soon, Ducky's sentences begin to drift off into light snores, and it is time to go. Team Gibbs drives back to the temporary NCIS offices. Tony and Ziva sit in the back and Abby, back to her usual self, chatters away in the passenger seat, and it is all so comfortingly, amazingly familiar.
That feeling transfers to his car when he and Ziva get in it to drive home, their hands brushing on the console the entire way, and then to his apartment, when they pop in a movie and she leans right into his side.
0000000000
Late that night, Tony wakes up with a dry throat. He stares at the ceiling for a while before forcing himself to get off the couch and stumble into the kitchen. With his eyes half-open he turns on the tap and holds a glass under the stream of water. As it fills, a sound penetrates his hazy consciousness; he immediately goes on alert, straining his ears, but all is quiet.
He is on his way back to the living room when he hears it again, and this time, he can tell that it's Ziva. It sounds like a whimper. Is she crying?
Abandoning his water on the coffee table, he walks briskly in the direction of his bedroom. "Ziva?" he calls softly as he pushes open the door. In the light of the streetlamps filtering through the window, he sees her lying on her back, her tear-streaked face turned away from him. "Ziva, what's wrong?"
"Go back to bed, Tony," she says, almost managing to keep her voice steady, but not quite.
He walks to her bedside and lightly touches her injured shoulder. "Are you in pain? Do you need some meds?"
It's a stupid question- physical pain does not make Ziva cry- but he can't think of any other reason she would be like this. She shakes her head and covers her face with her hand, and he is at a complete loss as to what to do next.
Eventually, he reaches down and weaves his fingers into her hair. At his touch she shudders violently, ejecting his hand from her body, and now he is scared.
"Tell me what's the matter," Tony pleads, leaning over and cupping her face in his hand, preventing her from hiding it.
Ziva's tears start coming fast, spilling out of the corners of her eyes and trickling into her ears. She is breathing raggedly; she would be unable to form a sentence even if she wanted to, but he is determined to wait it out. He strokes her cheek with his thumb while she retakes control of herself, and then he tries again: "Come on, Ziva."
Eyes dry but face still moist, she inhales deeply. "I told you that I do not want to live with regrets."
"Yeah." He remembers those words- and the sinking feeling in his stomach that preceded them, when she said that she was seriously considering marrying Ray- all too well.
"I fear that… I will regret…" Her bottom lip quivers the tiniest bit. "Telling you no. Because the truth is, Tony, I want to be with you, too."
He is floored. Flabbergasted. Completely caught off guard. Even though he had seen a hint of her also wanting to move the relationship forward the first, last, and only time they discussed it, he didn't expect her to admit it, and especially not spontaneously in the middle of the night like this.
He should be elated, but he isn't. That's because he expects what comes next.
"But it is not so simple as saying that no, I cannot live without you and yes, I would like to be with you. There are things at stake. It might require a choice."
Tony shrugs, defeated. "Yeah, there are. And it would. For the record, though… I would choose you. Hell, I have chosen you."
Ziva stares at him, speechless, and then she bolts upright. Placing her hand on the back of his neck, she leans in close and says, "Tony, no. Tony… I do not want you to be hurt by me."
Again he shrugs, eyes downcast.
"It has nothing to do with you," she says hurriedly. "Isn't that one of your movie lines? 'It's not you, it's me'? It is me, Tony. There are things that would be difficult if we were to have a relationship, and I do not trust myself to handle them!"
"I trust you," he says, but without much conviction- he has long given up on anything he says making a difference.
"I know you do. You have… more faith in me than I have in myself."
"It shouldn't be that way."
"But it is." Ziva sighs deeply, her warm breath fanning across his face. "Can you blame me, Tony? You saw the man I almost agreed to marry."
He can't keep his eyes from snapping back to hers. The brown orbs are wide and sad, and they remind him of how much he hates CI-Ray's guts. "That wasn't your fault," he insists. "You couldn't have guessed-"
"I was trained to guess things like that, Tony."
"But you know what?" The conviction is back; it surges through him. It doesn't matter how she responds. She needs to hear this. "You aren't the soldier anymore. You aren't the Mossad assassin. You're the real Ziva now, Ziva the woman, and you decided to try and love someone. There's no place for training in that."
The silence that greets the end of his miniature monologue makes him fear that he crossed a line and is now about to be slapped or, even worse, given the cold shoulder. But no, she is not angry. Far from it.
"Tony," she whispers cautiously, "if I changed my mind… would you still want it?"
He isn't sure whether or not he's setting himself up for another rejection, but he answers honestly. "I'll always want it. I'll always want you."
Ten chapters in, baby!
I'm not sure how many more there will be. At least five.
Thanks for all your support, guys!