I Need You For Hope
Chapter 10
Blood and tears brought on by tremendous physical pain obscured Harry's view of the smoked filled sky above as he lay flat on his back amongst the rubble. Debris of all sorts lay scattered around his broken body from the house that had exploded only minutes ago. Harry lay still, unable to move, hardly able to breath… but he was happy. Relieved. Voldemort was gone. He had defeated the darkest wizard alive. And now he could die. He could find peace. He could finally fade to the warm blackness that promised to cocoon him for eternity. Now was the time.
Harry had enough strength to move his fingers, and then panicked when he flexed those fingers and found his wand missing. He tried moving his head to look around for it, but found he was immobile due to the damage his body had taken. And even if he could move, the salty water and metallic blood in his eyes made it impossible to see anything and he'd lost his glasses somewhere along the way. Probably the same time he'd lost his wand when the house exploded around him. Still, Harry's eyes wheeled around wildly as his breathing came out in rapid pants.
More pain from injuries he was unaware of began to sink in now that the adrenaline of the battle was decreasing. The pain was becoming too much, muddling his mind… he drifted off and a cry of relief left him when his vision began to tunnel and blacken. Harry relaxed as he realized he wouldn't need to do it on his own. He was probably so damaged that he wouldn't survive anyway. And when the blackness began to surround him, Harry believed he was taking his last breath.
Once again he was left with nothing but the darkness. Harry sat up and slowly the peaceful smile on his face slid away to confusion. Something was wrong. The abyss didn't feel as it should. It wasn't like a warm blanket. In fact he found he was freezing. The cold was so frigid his lungs began to burn from it.
Why are you here?
Harry spun around, expecting to see someone nearby, hoping that maybe his parents had been waiting for him as they promised in his dreams. But he saw no one.
Why are you here, Harry?
"Obviously because I'm dead!" he snapped.
Why do you want to be dead? Is there nothing you care about?
Harry continued to twist around, trying to find a face to the voice he didn't recognize but thought he should. " I've done what I was suppose to! There's no reason for me to stay. There's nothing I can do! I'm useless now."
You're an idiot.
"Fuck off!" Harry realized he was probably losing his mind. He knew whose voice that was now, and he knew the owner of that voice couldn't possibly be there. Draco was alive and well, and would hopefully stay that way. The Gryffindor was sure he was simply arguing with himself and once again had turned part of his conscious into Draco.
You're not useless, Harry. You could never be useless.
"Eventually I would become useless to you," he whispered in despair as a form of Draco appeared before him. Why was he torturing himself with this? Why wasn't the blackness blocking out everything as it once did?
"Explain why you think you would become useless to me," the apparition instructed with a smirk. " No, never mind. Let me guess. You think I only wanted you because of what you were told. Because you were meant to destroy You-Know-Who. That I'll become bored with you because you are no longer a tool. You no longer have to spend your life worried about a psycho. You can do anything you want now, be whomever you want. Grow up free and happy. Do you think that's why I'd be bored with you? I'd become bored with the only man I can truly relate to? Someone who understands me, just as I understand you. Oh sure, certainly I'd become bored when you always look at me with those burning green jewels, telling me how much you want me." Draco moved closer until all Harry could see were his striking gray eyes. "What did you feel when we kissed, Harry? You must have felt everything. I didn't hold back, did I? I was trying to show you…"
Harry closed his eyes and began to shake his head. He didn't want to hear this. He couldn't bare to hear this…
But the figment of his imagination wasn't finished. "You didn't miss the desperation on my face every time I looked at you when you were trying to ignore me. You couldn't have missed the hope in my eyes every time you smiled at me, or gave me the attention I craved from you. You can't honestly tell me that you don't see how much I love-"
"Stop it!" Harry begged, his eyes still firmly shut. "You're not real and neither are your words. It's just me, trying to-"
"Convince yourself that you are being stupid with this whole death wish thing." Harry opened his eyes to glare and when he did Draco smirked and disappeared leaving Harry alone in the darkness once again. The cold came back with such a force that Harry dropped to his knees and wrapped his arms around himself. The thoughts of Draco had been keeping the cold away and the light he felt at thinking and picturing Draco had overtaken the darkness.
Something nudged his knee. Harry looked down but there was nothing there. Again there was another nudge. Still nothing there. The next time, the nudge was more of a kick and Harry found himself falling backwards. Instead of being cushioned by the nothingness around him, he felt the hard earth beneath his body and his eyes snapped open in shock and a strangled gasp escaped him from the pain that returned to his body upon his awakening.
"You did it, Potter. Didn't think you could. But you killed the Dark Lord."
Fear was beyond Harry at this point, and as he recognized the man's voice, he wasn't surprised to see it was Peter Pettigrew when the traitor came into view. Harry squinted up at him for only a moment before his eyes began to move back and forth again, once more searching for his wand.
"Looking for this, I suppose." Pettigrew revealed Harry's wand in his hand.
A pained gasp left him as he tried to raise his arm to snatch up his wand. Again, he found that impossible. His body was refusing to cooperate. He was a dead stone. "Kill me," he managed to croak.
"What?" Pettigrew bent closer, though it was obvious he was fearful of Harry as he kept his own wand pointed at Harry's face.
"I said kill me. That's what you're going to do, right? Hurry up and get it over with. It's what I want. Voldemort is gone. Just kill me."
Pettigrew retreated back a few feet in shock, certainly never expecting to see the Boy-Who-Lived asking to be killed. Not after the Dark Lord had been destroyed by his own hand.
"What are you waiting for," Harry growled hoarsely. "DO IT! Fucking do it, you coward! You basically killed my parents! Taking care of me should feel like a closed circle!"
"Potter, I don't understand- I was going to call for help and then disappear."
"You owe me a life debt, Pettigrew. I'm collecting on it now." Harry focused his pain filled eyes on the cowering rat. "Do as I ask and you will be released from that debt. Kill me. Please," he finally broke down into sobs and begged, "please. I don't know what to do… just- lift the wand and say the words."
Pettigrew knew something was wrong with the boy's mind. And obviously Potter's body was a wreck. Perhaps it would be the humane thing to do to put him out of his misery and let the boy join with his family.
"This is what I want," Harry cried, his voice cracking from the uncertainty he felt at saying those words. "I've been aiming for this…" the young Gryffindor trailed off as his eyes drifted closed again, his body once more taking him into unconsciousness.
"Very well, Potter." Pettigrew raised his wand back to Harry's face; thankful at least that he didn't have to look into Potter's eyes while he cursed the boy to death.
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Severus, Lucius, and Draco Apparated near the house in Little Whinging and immediately saw the damage.
Draco's eyes grew wide with fear and he started to run to the wreckage.
His father caught up to him and pulled him back. "Caution, Draco," he hissed, " do not allow your emotions to cloud your good judgment. That would do you nor Potter any good."
Draco forced the panic down and nodded. He'd only barely made it this far as Severus and his father had been adamant about not letting him come along. But he had been just as forceful. He didn't trust anyone else to save Harry.
They rounded the wreckage quietly, all three with wands drawn, eyes scanning the destroyed house in awe. And with Severus and Draco, there was fear as well. If Harry had been in that house when it was destroyed…
They stopped abruptly upon hearing voices.
"You owe me a life debt, Pettigrew. I'm collecting on it now. Do as I ask and you will be released from that debt. Kill me. Please." Draco's eyes closed in pain as he heard the begging tone in Harry's voice. "Please. I don't know what to do… just- lift the wand and say the words."
The three Slytherins moved quietly around, and could finally see the two Gryffindors. Seeing Harry lying on the ground, stiff, dirty, and obviously already dying, Draco became incensed at seeing the traitor standing over him. Even more angry that Harry was still begging for death.
"This is what I want," Harry's cracking voice had Draco's heart soaring as he heard the indecision in the Gryffindor's voice. "I've been aiming for this…"
"Very well, Potter."
Severus and Draco took off running then. Draco was blind with fury as he heard Pettigrew began to utter the words, "Avada Keda-"
"Stupefy!" Severus shouted. Pettigrew broke off the curse and looked over just in time to see the red light hit his chest. The Potion's Master was surprised to see relief in Pettigrew's eyes the moment he'd been interrupted in killing Harry.
"You tried to kill him!" Draco bellowed at Pettigrew's unconscious form, and started kicking the animagus over and over again, screaming in anger, pain, and panic. Seeing Harry laying beside him, unconscious and far too pale for a living person. "You were going to kill him!"
"Draco! Calm yourself!" Severus shouted as he dropped beside Harry. "He needs Healers immediately or his wish will be granted."
"Don't say that, Severus," the young blonde also dropped to his knees, hands hovering over Harry's face as if he wanted to touch but was afraid. "Don't say that."
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Harry awoke up with a piercing headache, dry scratchy throat, and tears in his eyes. He'd been dreaming of Draco again. When he'd dropped into unconsciousness as Pettigrew raised the wand to grant his wish, the dreams began. Harry had been sure he was dead that time. But death wasn't what he thought it would be. Draco would come and go, and every time, just when he thought the darkness would come to swallow him for the last time, he found the blonde in his mind, and Draco would always swallow him instead. It was damned annoying. Especially when he felt relief at those times and was happy enough to have the blonde in every part of his thoughts.
A shifting noise close by drew his attention and finally his heavy eyelids peeled back, and he was gobsmacked to realize he wasn't dead at all. Instead he was lying in a room within St. Mungo's. Ignoring the presence he felt nearby, Harry let tears of confusion and frustration coat his dry scratchy eyes. The presence moved closer and through his blurred sight, Harry caught the unmistakable color of bright blonde. Immediately he stopped crying. Half hoping it were Draco and more then a little afraid that it actually was. The person bent forward and wiped his tears away with a handkerchief that smelled of lavender.
He shrank away when he was finally able to see who stood beside his bed. He opened his mouth to demand to know why she was there, but his voice box didn't seem to be in working order.
"Try not to speak. Healers say it will take some time for you to completely heal." Narcissa Malfoy softly spoke as she stroked his black fringe away from his narrowed eyes. She laughed softly when he glared balefully at her.
What did she think she was doing?! He had no idea why she was there or why she was looking at him so softly, speaking so tenderly, as if he were her own son. At that thought, Harry finally glanced around for Draco, though he didn't know why Draco would be there in the first place. He was disowned. Reminding himself of that, Harry returned his gaze to the witch beside his bed and tried to put as much loathing in the glare as he could possibly manage. To disown her son… Harry found that unforgivable.
"Would you like to know how long you've been unconscious?" she asked, seemingly unaware of the hate and went to pull her chair to the side of his bed. "Surely you must be curious as to why I'm here."
Harry's lips pressed together as he tried to push the curiosity away. No doubt she was here to exact revenge for him killing Voldemort. But if that were true, then she would have done so by now. And as he thought about it, Harry was curious to know how she had managed to get into his room, alone. No doubt he was being protected. Finally he nodded after she sat down.
"Today marks the sixteenth day of celebrations since your defeat of that horrible monster." When Harry continued to stare blankly at her, she went on. "I've been here the entire time watching over you." When the Gryffindor's eyes finally took on life and widened in surprise, Narcissa smiled. "Appointed myself. And then was backed by the Headmaster. We- Lucius and myself- we were spies and we never disowned our son. Dumbledore thought it would be best for Draco's safety if the world thought we had. There are many things said about Malfoys, Harry. But one thing is decidedly true. Family is a very important to us. We would never abandon our son. No matter his decision and we missed Draco dreadfully. But we had to keep him safe!" She said firmly. So firmly that Harry could do nothing to believe her. "And that's why I'm here. Because family is important."
Harry couldn't help the small smile appearing on his face at hearing that Draco had not been disowned. Of course he was happy for the blonde. Harry could always see how pained the Slytherin was without any contact from his family, with having to go on thinking his parents had betrayed him. And then the last thing she said caught up to him and he looked at her in question. What did that have to do with her looking after him? Family being important… he wasn't a Malfoy.
Narcissa understood the question in his eyes. "My son is intent on making you family," she answered honestly and without hesitation even though she knew Draco would be very displeased with her for saying so before he could. Draco had an agenda with how he wanted to deal with Harry, but now that she knew the extent of her son's feelings for the boy on the bed, she had her own agenda as well. And Harry would just have to get used to the idea that he was needed. She would make him understand thoughts of suicide would no longer be tolerated. She would make him understand that the world was now his oyster.
Green eyes blinked rapidly at her as if he were having trouble understanding her announcement. "Harry," she began firmly. "You have been restrained in the bed for the time being… I will have them release you because I can't stand the sight of the bindings around your limbs. But your wand has been taken away and will be kept away until I'm sure you do not plan to take your own life. Besides that, some want to keep you here in the psychiatric ward. I've persuaded them not to do so. When you are well enough, I will take you home and you will have company. You will not be left alone to wallow in unreasonable despair. I am doing all this for you as well as for my son's continued health. My son needs you… do you know what he said to us?"
Harry shook his head, feeling both numb and unusually alive at the same time.
"He said, and I quote, 'I will stop breathing if I can't see him everyday'." Mrs. Malfoy sighed and looked off to the side with a soft smile. "Took both Lucius and I by surprise. But now that we know, you must know, if Draco wants you, he will have you. Understand?"
Still, all Harry could do was nod.
"Good," Narcissa smiled and stood. "I shall return. There are many who have been waiting for you to awaken."
Harry watched her walk out of the room, and only when the door shut behind her did he look to his hands. Sure enough, they were bound to the railing of his bed, as were his feet. Harry made himself relax. Being tied up to the bed like this was disconcerting and it kind of made him feel claustrophobic.
How dare Mrs. Malfoy come to him and presume to take over his life! What gave Draco and his mother the right? Though Draco's words to his parents did make Harry lightheaded and insanely hot. Made him want to giggle like a bloody girl too. But he had enough control to keep from doing so, knowing it would hurt his body should he move. Even moving his head slowly was sending fiery pains down his spine.
When the door reopened, Harry quickly closed his eyes to feign sleep. He was certain it would be Dumbledore back with Mrs. Malfoy, and probably some Healers; probably Mrs. Weasley as well, and she was one of the last people he wanted to see. She meant well, but the witch was suffocating. Then when he heard Severus' voice, Harry wanted to cry out in relief.
"Remove those restraints at once!" Severus spat. "What is the meaning of this?"
"It's for his own protection," an unknown voice spoke. " We were informed of his intentions of suicide-"
There was a silence in which Harry could feel the heavy tension.
"Severus, we cannot hold back any information in which to help his recovery," Dumbledore finally said. Obviously Professor Snape had been staring at the headmaster with blame.
"He doesn't need the restraints," Mrs. Malfoy reiterated Severus' words. "Remove them at once."
"Now, Narcii dear-"
"Don't Narcii dear me, Albus! You said I could take him under my care-" Harry heard Molly Weasley's outraged gasp, "and I want the restraints off. I will see to it he does not harm himself."
"But Albus! You can't really be serious!" Molly exclaimed. "Harry would be much better off with me."
"Oh yes," Severus replied in such a way that Harry knew he was sneering, "let's throw him in that small home of yours which is overflowing with loud, obnoxious and nosy redheads. That'll make him feel loads better! It wont drive him mental at all…"
"Severus," Dumbledore said softly.
"Harry needs peace and quiet," Narcissa said. "Now that the Dark Lord is gone, the boy has time to decide what he wants to do with his life. Without outside interference."
"And he won't be influenced by you lot?" Molly spat back.
"I want Harry to understand he has the freedom to do whatever he chooses now. He has his life back. If he wants to travel around the world, he may do so. If he wants to stay at home all day, he can do that too! Should he want to start a business, play Quidditch, teach, write books… whatever he wants he will have the time to decide, and we will support him. But he will need the time alone to choose. You may mean well, but in the end I'm afraid you would only do him harm. And if he's simply thrown back into the world, you know there are many who will try to make his decisions for him, just as they've been doing for most of his life. That ends now."
"I think we should ask Harry whom he wants to take care of him." Molly ended firmly.
"Then ask him," Severus answered. "But should he give you an answer you do not like, I don't want to hear any complaining."
I'm not a bloody baby! Merlin… Though it felt kind of nice to be fought over in such a way. And Mrs. Malfoy's words, about supporting him, giving him time to find out what he wanted to do in life… she made it sound so simple. But was it really? The stress of ridding the world of Voldemort no longer weighed him down and he felt lighter then he expected he would. Harry knew he'd saved himself from so much guilt by killing Voldemort before the bastard could take any more lives. He found peace in such knowledge.
"If you do not remove the restraints in the next five seconds…" Severus warned.
"He may hurt himself!" Molly cried.
"He can't even move," Narcissa responded coldly. "Nor can he speak. Removing the bonds will not harm him."
"He can't speak? He was speaking when we found him with Pettigrew. What happened to take his voice?" Severus asked as the Healer moved to vanish the restraints. Harry kept as still as possible while this happened. He wondered if they knew he was awake. They weren't exactly keeping their voices down.
"I spoke to him a little before I sent you word that he'd awoken. He tried to speak, but no words would come out."
"He's been unconscious for over two weeks. It's the shock," the Healer said. "It may last days or it may last hours. But he should regain his voice."
"And his body?" Dumbledore inquired.
"Healing slowly but very well. May have trouble walking at first when he leaves, but that's only because his muscles will need to be stretched. With the exception of his mental state, Harry Potter will be in top form in a number of weeks."
"Thank you, Healer." Narcissa replied. Harry heard her move around until she was sitting next to his bed again.
"Come along, Molly," Dumbledore said gently. "Let us return to the school and give the good news that so many are waiting to hear."
"But Albus…" Molly obviously didn't want to go. Harry prayed someone would take her away and then he resisted the urge to smile when he heard Severus' long suffering sigh.
Dumbledore chuckled as he moved to the door. "Molly, you will be able to visit again. But obviously Harry is sleeping and therefore is not up for visiting. Surely you'd like to go to Hogwarts and relay happy news of his awakening."
"Yes, all right, Albus." And they quickly left.
"You can open your eyes now." Severus said, his tone dripping acid. Harry winced at the coldness of his tone, but did do as he was told and found only Mrs. Malfoy and Severus in the room with him. "What in the hell did you think you were doing running off like that by yourself?"
"Severus…"
"Forgive me, Narcissa, but I have never and will never baby this idiot! You may do it, but I certainly will not." Severus turned back to the blank faced young man. "How could you believe you were only a tool? I don't understand how someone like you could miss the big picture. You can do anything you want. Anything! And yet you were aiming for death! Are you such a coward you would run away from life, Potter?"
"Severus, he can't speak."
"Rubbish!"
"Out!" Harry jumped in surprised when Narcissa stood and pointed a rigid finger at the door. "Out this minute, Severus Snape!"
Harry watched in total shock as Snarky Severus Snape left the room like a child just grounded.
"You must forgive him, Harry. But he and Draco are very worried about you, and Severus has a hard time coming to terms with just how frightened he was." When Harry remained silent, Narcissa sighed and retook her seat. "Are you still determined to take your life?"
When Harry thought about the darkness that he loved to vanish to, he realized he thought of it as a way to keep from feeling truly alone, to keep from feeling like he was losing every part of himself. He used the darkness as others had been using him. The darkness was a tool; a place to slide into limbo where nothing could hurt him. And now… after everything was said and done, Harry was feeling so lost. Confusion swam through his mind, continuing to drown any sensible thoughts away. He didn't know what he wanted.
Narcissa watched a myriad of emotions crossing Harry's face and felt such pity for him. She understood he'd been told throughout his life that he'd be the destruction of the Dark Lord. But no one, she was sure, had asked him what he wanted to do with his life. He was never given the chance. And she could understand how he could come to believe he would continue to be a tool the rest of his life. Narcissa understood how such thoughts could be so stifling that death seemed like a good release. She understood this, which was another reason why she'd come close to begging Albus to let her see to Harry's care. She came as close to begging as a Malfoy ever would.
So sitting back and taking up the book she'd brought, Narcissa decided to start that peace and quiet and let him sort through his thoughts. She was sure Harry heard her words to Mrs. Weasley. He would come to understand the world was his for the taking. Death didn't have to be an option to find peace and happiness.
A/N: There will be one more chapter. Sorry for the delay, but other things were being worked on. Heh, yeah that's my excuse. Hope you enjoyed this chapter. Reviews are always appreciated. Have a great day!