Where Are You Love?

Why Can't I Find You?

By:SamiJane

Disclaimer: See Author's Bio

A/N: Thank you once again everyone for your wonderfully amazing reviews! (Shout outs at the end of this ch)

What you need to know:

All in Peyton's POV because she's the only one that can actually sort of tell what's going on in everyone's head – since she's Lucas' wife, Brooke's best friend, Julian's ex, etc.

All drama once again – mostly Brooke releasing everything that has been building up within her. Lucas-Brooke-Peyton centric chapter

Italic quotes are Peyton's flashbacks, the episode number is listed if you forget when it's from.

So, here is the long awaited chapter ten. As always, I hope you enjoy :)

Chapter 10: The Guilt of the Reckless

"You know, it's been said that we just don't recognize the significant moments of our lives while they're happening. We grow complacent with ideas, or things, or people, and we take them for granted. And it's usually not until that thing is about to be taken away from you that you realize how wrong you've been..." – Nathan Scott (3.20)

Peyton's POV

Jamie's familial world of love turns upside down once again and this time it isn't because of interference by a psycho nanny. It isn't because his father had his dreams swept out from under him and is drinking his sorrows away. It's because of one argument – one explosive argument with a grand finale of Lucas punching Julian in the face. After the mini revelation of Jamie witnessing our quarrel…and after the five year old basically calls me out on never being around…Brooke is angrier than ever.

And I…I am more lost than ever.

"Lucas Scott, I could kill you for shattering that little boy's world," Brooke's whispered and yet irate statement complements the fury that fills her hazel eyes. There's only two other times I've seen such intense hurt and anger envelop my best friend.

"I don't know what hurts worse, you and Lucas sneaking around behind my back or you lying about it to my face…He meant everything to me, Peyton. And I was ready to try and be his friend if that's what he needed. And now I don't really care if I see either one of you again." (Brooke 1.15)

"The last time! Do you hear yourself right now? The last time you tried to steal my boyfriend! He's on the door Peyton! He's on the damn door under me!" (Brooke 3.22)

"None of us knew he was watching, Brooke," Lucas attempts to defend himself.

As I break out of my thoughts, my pupils catch Brooke's hand ready to swipe Lucas' face.

"Don't you dare! Don't you dare twist my words around to make yourself feel like you are not a back-stabbing two faced bitch, Peyton, because you are; and you know it." (Brooke 3.22)

But this time, Brooke stops before contact is made. There's only one reason Luke escapes without a physical scratch from Brooke Davis – and that reason is currently sitting upstairs with his parents attempting to explain the adults' uncharacteristic behavior.

"Oh no, you don't," Brooke fires back at Lucas for whatever he just said. "You do not get to make yourself feel better and pull the oblivious card again. And you certainly are not going to make yourself the victim this time around. The arguing –the punch, that was just unnecessary frosting on top of the already shattered plate of devastation you have caused Jamie," she fires, "Devastation that you've caused us."

"Brooke -" Lucas attempts to interject, but only silence follows the utterance of her name. Lucas' hand subtly searches within the area for mine; he needs support. But I can't be there to give it to him right now because I'm still lost. I'm still lost in my own crazy head, with guilt floating around, and the selfish part of me trying to swim away from it. I don't want this to be our fault. It can't be our fault. But it is. The truth is out there again, and this time with Jamie's accusing words.

I want nothing more than to backlash against Brooke and try to stand mine and Lucas' ground. Even though I know that somewhere…somehow…some of the fault lies with us, I want to help Lucas come up with the words to defend him self, to defend the both of us. A part of me wishes that somehow I can come up with a halfway decent, defensive argument.

But I can't. I can't say anything. I can't do anything. I can't think of anything because my mind is trapped on the fact that Lucas and I have dented the world of my best friend, and also that of a five year old boy. Jamie's five words alone are what caused my usually verbal, self-protective self to shut up. "Like how you forgot about us?"

But I didn't forget them; I never did. I wish I can say that. I wish that can make everything better, but it won't. Lucas and I never forgot about them; we just had a lot of other crap going on that we thought was more important. Even in my head that sounds lame.

Why the hell can I not come up with a legitimate reason, besides blind love, for how I let any of this happen?

"…If you had been around the past few months, he wouldn't be so confused and...Did you know that he asked me if your marriage meant that you had your own separate family now and you would never see him again? He thought that Peyton was replacing him," I hear Brooke argue.

My heart stings at that statement. God, to that little boy I'm like the evil monster who kidnapped his Uncle Lucas from right under his nose.

The villain…no…god, no…I'm not like Dan; we're not like Dan. That guy is a villain; an evil, conniving, son of a bitch that for some reason thinks he can reform.

He's the villain – the bad guy that justifies his horrible actions because he believes he's actually the victim in everything. That's always the villain's problem; they make themselves the victim every time, without realizing it. By victimizing themselves, in their messed up heads, it validates all the horrible actions they've done.

I was just a blind fool in love. Maybe if someone said something sooner, I would have snapped out of it earlier. Maybe it is my fault that we've all gotten to where we are. It is our fault that we weren't around.

"Brooke, Julian; Jamie's asking for you," Nathan says quietly as he comes down the stairs.

Julian. Brooke and Julian. I didn't want to believe it when Lucas and I first invaded Brooke's birthday party; I didn't want to believe that Julian had actually found his way into the lives of everyone I care about. He left me heart broken; he is supposed to be the bad guy, not me or Lucas. I don't understand how all of them could form such a friendship with him in such a short period of time that they would stand up for him against Lucas.

At first, I was scared that Julian had something up his sleeve, because…well, that's how he was sometimes with other people…other people being studio execs and the other ruthless CEOs of Hollywood. But, he isn't like that with Chris, Sienna, me for a time, and now Brooke.

Maybe the truth is that I was really scared of the fact that he didn't have anything up his sleeve. If he didn't, that would mean that he isn't the selfish guy who walked out on me…it would mean that I was the selfish girl who didn't give him my heart. And that makes me the bad guy and him the good one. But, nobody wants to be the bad guy.

As I watch Brooke and Julian walk away, I catch Nathan's eyes skip Lucas' and hurdle straight for my own. Just like the rest of us, Nathan didn't expect any of this for his son. And I'm not just talking about catching Lucas' rendition of Sir Punches A Lot.

None of us expected that any of us would feel alienated or that we would alienate each other. We all had such disasters of a family that we became our own unique one. In the words of the little Hawaiian girl, Lilo, "Family means no one gets left behind or forgotten." And though he doesn't say anything, Nathan's eyes speak alone and tell me that I've failed to follow that rule.

There was a time, long ago, when he thought he knew me better than Lucas did. But now, he probably is thinking that he doesn't know me anymore. We haven't even hung out just the two of us in…um…not since…wow. It hasn't been just the two of us since the first week that Brooke and I moved back to Tree Hill. To Nathan, I definitely did not follow that family rule.

Lucas' hand reaches out to me once again, but I can't take it. So much is coming down on me that I don't know where to find the strength to be Lucas' support right now. How can I support him when I can't even support myself? I try to find solace in the solidarity of the living room back wall, but it offers no comfort. I must have blanked out in my thoughts because, as if by magic, Lucas suddenly appears next to me, his hand reaching out.

"I need you to tell me what you're thinking," Lucas whispers my previous words into my ear as I accept the palm in front of me. Nathan watches intently, possibly waiting for the right time to kick us out of his home.

And he does find a right time. He chooses my silence as an opportunity to ask Luke and me to go home. It is late and he and Haley have not one, but two kids trying to sleep soundly. Plus, they have the pleasurable annoyance of Chris Keller to deal with.

Nathan tells us that he's been trying to see our point of view in all this, trying to figure out how to make it all ok for us. Because he and Lucas are brothers, they're connected by blood, and they've had each others' backs for years now. And up until twenty minutes ago, Nathan believed Jamie understood the supposed reasons behind Lucas' lack of presence.

But everything changed. For the first time in months, Jamie voiced his views about Lucas' absence. And for the first time in, who knows how long, Lucas acted like an ass and punched Julian out of the blue. And the fact that Jamie witnessed everything…well, it's not surprising that Nathan is finding it difficult to not be disappointed in us.

Lucas and I guiltily agree that it's best to leave. Maybe after some sleep, all of us, including Brooke, could talk about everything rationally, with no scream matches or punching involved.

"Good luck," Nathan shakes his head, "Brooke isn't done with you guys, yet." I watch with wide eyes as he returns up to the second level to check on Jamie and the others. There's a lump in my throat that I can't swallow.

What started out as an argument over the presence of Julian in our lives has since morphed into a revelation about the lack of presence of Lucas and me in everyone else's lives.

Still Peyton's POV

Three loud knocks on the front door. I expected more than three, as well as shouting and maybe an explicative or two. I inhale deeply and hold my breath for whatever is going to come rushing out at me. Before I have a chance to open the door fully, Brooke shoves through in search for Lucas. Julian walks slowly behind her and we catch each others' eye. Danger; Caution ahead seems to sum up his expression. I still don't understand why Julian is still around and sticking by Brooke. If only I could ask him why he's still here, but another argument is ensuing.

"Tell me why. Tell me why, Lucas. Why the hell have you been acting like a complete asshole to your godson?" Brooke shouts from the kitchen. Julian and I take our places next to the people we are standing by tonight: me next to Luke and him next to Brooke. It doesn't escape me that I used to be the one that Brooke would turn to whenever she needed support. Support…that word keeps coming up a lot in my head, doesn't it?

"I think you're getting overly dramatic about all of it," Lucas claims with forced calm. The sight of Julian, as well as Brooke's accusation that he's been a complete asshole, is not sitting well with him. I won't be surprised if he suddenly decks Julian again, however uncalled for that might be. As evidenced by earlier tonight, Lucas doesn't wait for someone to physically throw the first punch anymore.

"Overly dramatic? The hell it's overly dramatic."

"I know I made some mistakes, Brooke, but that doesn't mean they're unfixable," Lucas asserts.

"They're not just mistakes Lucas. You're mistakes have repercussions and those repercussions involve other lives and other people's emotions. Do you even understand the severity of everything that has happened?" Brooke asks.

"Why do you think we even went back to Haley's? He wanted to try to understand what happened in the first place and to fix all of it," I put my two cents in. I can understand why Brooke is furious, but maybe she is taking it a bit far.

"I'll talk to him and he'll understand that none of this was intentional and we will get past this," Lucas adds to my comment. I can tell that he doesn't want to believe that his bond with Jamie has severed after tonight. He's hoping that Jamie's heart is big enough to forgive before the week is over.

"He is not just going to get over it after one measly conversation. He's your godson who for some reason still adores you despite the fact that he's scared by what you did and what happened to you. You can't fix that with one apology or one conversation," Brooke shouts.

"It was two months, Brooke and we feel so horrible about it. But, what could have happened that he would be scarred for life after two months?" I ask.

"It was more than two months, Peyton!"

"You were gone for four years of his life. Four years. And you're going to say that me not being totally around for a few months is worse than that?" Lucas retorts.

"And I regret not being around, Lucas, I really do. That little boy is amazing and deserved so much more from me. But there's a difference, there's a huge ass difference between both of our absences."

"What difference, besides the fact that you haven't been around in his life longer than you have been? You've only been around for, what, a year?"

Lucas' statement stabs Brooke hard and she looks like a deer in headlights; she doesn't know what to say. She obviously didn't think about her short presence here in that way – that she had been away longer than she had been around.

I wanted to yell at Lucas for bringing that horrible fact up, especially since the same statement applies to me. But, for me it's worse because I haven't made nearly as big an effort to becoming close to Jamie as Brooke has. But neither Brooke nor Luke realizes that fact because they're only focusing on defending their own absences.

"I've been here for two months, and even I can see there's a difference, Luke," Julian suddenly pipes in. My brow rises in his direction. How can he understand anything going on?

"Why the hell do you keep butting in when nobody asks you to?" Lucas snaps back.

"Brooke asked me to; why do you think I'm still standing here?" Julian points out like it's as plainly obvious as the fact that the sky is blue. "Do you think I'm here because I like to watch you suffer? Or because I'm waiting for the perfect time to swoop in and grab Peyton from you? The world doesn't revolve around you, Lucas," his sarcasm surprises me. His words surprise me. He confirms that he's not still in Tree Hill for me or Lucas. And he also confirms his involvement in all of this: it's all for Brooke.

When the hell did Julian become a rock for Brooke? I notice Brooke's face – she is shocked as well, but not nearly as shocked as I am. It's as if she was hoping he would do this –he would be there for her. And to her astonishment, he steps up, just like he said he would. And to my surprise, she's letting him be there for her. This guy that she claimed she would stay away from, she's accepting his crutch for her to lean on.

"Alright, smart ass. You think you've been here long enough to know us? Then what the hell is the difference?" Lucas asks Julian with crossed arms.

"The difference is that you're the selfish bastard who can't see straight," Julian retorts. "And the other difference is that Brooke and Jamie never knew each other when Brooke was away. How the hell can Jamie believe that Brooke forgot about him when he didn't know her yet?"

And like a knight in shining armor, Julian unexpectedly steps up for Brooke and gives her the extra courage and push she needs to continue with this raging argument.

"That is the biggest piece of - " Luke starts, but is quickly interrupted.

"Mine and Jamie's lives weren't intertwined together like yours were during those four years," Brooke adds and takes over the conversation again. "He didn't know who I was and I didn't know who he was. We didn't develop a bond, yet. How could he hurt when he had no idea what to feel for me, yet?"

"That still doesn't -" Lucas tries to argue.

"I'm not finished," Brooke interrupts Lucas, "Jamie grew up expecting you to be there for him and expecting you to come at just the right moment to cheer him up. But you're not around; you're still in the same freakin' town and you're not around."

"Just because you don't see him with me doesn't me that I don't spend time with him."

"It doesn't matter whether I see you two together or not; what matters is the truth, the truth that comes from that little boy's mouth. The fact is that you don't spend enough time with him," her voice is stronger and louder now and her anger is returning. "The fact is that you seriously have not been around, Lucas!"

"Where the hell were you after the nanny from hell threatened his grandfather's and his mother's life? Where were you that you couldn't stop by and tell him how happy you are that he and Haley are ok? Where were you that you couldn't even just hang out with him like you used to so that he could forget about running through a stupid cornfield?" with every question Brooke asks, her voice escalates and the anger is visibly rising.

There's no way this is just about Jamie anymore. She's breaking again and I'm not the only one who notices it. Julian's brows furrow with worry as he restrains himself from calming Brooke down. He knows that she has to do this. Lucas' eyes narrow too, but not with worry. They narrow with anger and guilt. Just like me, Lucas' heart feels guiltier and guiltier with every accusing "Where were you" question Brooke heaves our way. Tears swell up in my eyes and hers, but both of us refuse to permit them freedom onto our cheeks.

"Where the hell were you, Lucas? Where the hell were both of you?" Brooke shouts.

"Brooke, is this even about Jamie anymore?" I ask with a concerned tone, attempting to reach out to her. I know it probably won't do any good, but I have to try something.

"Wow, Peyton, I almost forgot you were here," her snide comment about my silence in all of this hits me like a ton of bricks, reminding me of Jamie's comment earlier in the evening.

"Now that is out of line," Lucas snaps when he notices my dear in the headlights look. That look seems to be contagious.

"Is it, Lucas? Is it really? Why don't you tell that to Jamie next time you see him?"

"What the hell did we do wrong, Brooke? All of this just can't be from the fact that, according to you, we weren't around the past few months," Lucas screams at her. Frustration eats away at him because, like me, he refuses to accept that we are the only reason behind the pain. And, if it is the only reason, she should have known to talk about it with us.

"You weren't around Lucas! How many times do I have to spell every damn thing out for you?" Brooke yells back. She turns to me, "You're right, Peyton. This isn't just about Jamie. It's about how you guys have spent virtually no time with any of us. I get that you two are happy and in love and it's been a long time coming and all that washed up, fate, destiny, mushy ass shit that comes with being in love again. But that is no excuse for ignoring what's happening in the rest of everyone else's lives, especially when lives are at stake."

"You never said anything, Brooke. You said you were fine. Why are you blaming us for not being around when you didn't ask for help?" I retaliate even though I know she's touched on the subject already. I can't help but ask the idiotic question again because I'm trying to wash away the pounds of guilt…guilt from believing that all the pain she is undergoing…all the craziness that everyone is undergoing… that all of it is purely because of the fact that Lucas and I weren't around. God, I hate this feeling. There had to be some other reason for why everything got so effed up.

"Oh my god! What the hell happened to the two of you? No, you know what, better question. Why the hell am I still standing here trying to talk sense into two people who obviously don't give a damn?" Brooke screams at me.

"Of course we give a damn, Brooke. You just haven't given us a chance to let us in," I retort with my own scream.

"No. Stop it. Stop blaming every fuckin thing on me!" her voice screeches in our ears. Lucas and I flinch at her lashing accusation. "Stop believing and acting like the lack of communication has all been my fault. Stop believing that you wouldn't have done anything wrong if it wasn't for me. That's you're problem, Peyton. Actually, both of you have the same problem. You don't realize it, but every problem that happens in this world, you somehow twist it around so that you're the fuckin victim, even if it was your fault to begin with." Her eerily familiar words strike another humongous blow to my heart. Were we the villains this whole time? My own definition of the word villain haunts me as Brooke continues with her rant.

"You know what? Maybe we should end this right now so I don't have to count on you two for anything anymore, so that I don't have to waste my time. I can just count on the two of you to be selfish idiots instead."

"What are you saying, Brooke?" Lucas asks warily. In a short twenty seconds, Brooke goes from pissed off out of her pants to…well…I don't know what. I just know that it scares me. Her words, her expressions, her eyes, it all scares me. The prospect of losing my best friend – that terrifies me more than anything.

"I'm saying…" she calms herself down, as much as she can anyway. "I think we need to take a break from being friends – or, I need to take a break from being your friend," she explains.

"Ok, Brooke, maybe you should think about what you're saying," I advise. This can't be happening again. "You don't have to pull out the Rachel Greene card on us."

"This is not something to joke about, Peyton," she glares at me. Of course it's not a joke. I'm not laughing, I'm just trying to figure out what the hell it is you are doing, Brooke.

"I'm not joking; I'm just trying to understand what you're doing," I voice my thoughts aloud; "You want pull the plug on our friendship, again, because, in your words, we were - or are - selfish idiots?" I stress the word 'again,' bringing up the rocky past from senior year of high school.

"I do not want to throw away a lifelong friendship!" Brooke defends whatever kind of friendship we have left. I realize that I underestimated the strength of our friendship since she wants to 'take a break' from it. But, the truly frightening thing is how much I underestimated just how intensely Lucas and I hurt her.

"That is the last thing I want. You don't think that senior year didn't hurt me because I was the one that pulled the plug on our friendship? I don't want any of us to go through that hell, but this…this right now hurts too, Peyton," she explains to me. It hurts her to be friends with us? Tears are threatening to escape my ducts again as I think of the pain we must have caused for her to come to such a conclusion.

"If you don't want to end anything then what are you saying?" Lucas asks for me. He is just as confused as I am about this sudden move and decision on Brooke's part.

"I am saying that I need to take a break from being the one to make most of the effort in this relationship. But, if in the near future, if our friendship does indeed cross the finish line, it will probably be because of the two of you." She is starting to lose her calm again, but instead of verging on the depths of fury, she's holding herself back from falling into a sea of teary melancholy.

"Because of us? You're the one claiming to need a break from this friendship and if we do end up back in senior year, it's because of us?" I manage to choke out, surprisingly still holding my tears at bay.

"You've been through what I am going through right now, Peyton. What I've been going through ever since the night of your engagement. And you only spent one night with me. One night! One night of fire place chit chat and baking a batch of cookies is not going to heal me! You never even tried to talk about it with me again after that." The imprisoned droplets escape from their cell and one at a time, they drip slowly down our cheeks.

"You never even saw me till a couple days after I told Peyton about it, Luke!" Brooke's cracked voice continues as she turns to Lucas. Lucas: the compassionate guy that showed up at the airport after she gave back Angie, even though she didn't ask him to. But, the same guy didn't bother to be there for Brooke after she was attacked…because of me. I don't have to look at Lucas to know that his throat had a lump the size of a freaking fist. Guilt and pain suffocates him.

And I don't have to look at Julian to know that he feels awkward listening to all of this, partly because he has no idea about the attack. And he's not just witnessing another one of Brooke's breakdowns. He's listening to our tower of friendship crack and watching it collapse on itself. But at the same time, he won't leave because he knows Brooke needs him here. I don't think she'd be able to say all of this if she didn't believe that someone is here by her side. God knows she doesn't think Lucas and I will be by her side anytime soon.

"After the both of you found out, you guys didn't even bother to ask me how I was getting through everything. You didn't even ask if I wanted to talk about it! Do you know what that feels like from my end?" her raspy voice is literally sucking the life out of mine and Lucas' voices. "The fuckin healing process is taking a hell of a lot longer than I wanted it to because you two weren't there. You two are my best friends. That's supposed to mean something!" she repeats some familiar words.

"We know that, Brooke – " I croak out in between tears, but she's not going to let me try to escape the guilt with words anytime soon because she is still nowhere near done.

"Then where were the two of you?" she screams and then focuses on me, "And where was your head, Peyton? I have been there for you for fifteen years. And when I needed you…and I mean really needed you, you were supposed to be there. You were supposed to know to talk to me. Even though I didn't say anything, you were just supposed to know that I needed you around for more than one night...more than one day. And because you didn't know, because you didn't reach out later…it made me feel like you didn't care, like what happened to me didn't matter to you." Her voice is barely audible through her sobs. My heart wrenches in a way I never thought possible, the guilt eats away at it like a silent and deadly virus.

"Brooke, of course it all mattered. You, everything, it always mattered. I just didn't want to push you -" I try to defend myself, but I can't finish whatever thought I have in my mind.

"But, you're supposed to push me, Peyton. You're supposed to get me to talk through my feelings. You're supposed to want to listen! But you just…you - " she wipes away the watery tears that accumulated all over her face and she swallows hard – swallows the sobs and pain away. She glances at Julian and he makes one step towards her, one step that seems to be enough for her to continue.

"…But every time our conversations would get serious, you would come up with some other topic and just swim off to your private Peyton Sawyer island consisting of nothing but Lucas and broody music. And you would leave me stranded in the middle of the fuckin ocean without anything to keep me afloat. Just like senior year," she finishes.

During the second part of her entire heart felt monologue type confession, the four of us now find ourselves sitting in various places around the kitchen, a chair here, a stool there, the table even. I don't know when or how that happened, but it doesn't matter. My eyes are looking through its teary fog and my vocal chords are wrapped in chains as I continue to listen to Brooke's strained voice.

"Senior year?" Lucas whispers. I have the same question – when did we leave her alone senior year? If anything, she left us, didn't she?

"I needed time to grieve over us, to accept the fact that we didn't have a future together. You didn't let me grieve, Lucas. I never got a chance to grieve over our break up because everybody wanted so desperately for all of us to be friends again. You wanted to be friends so quickly, like we could just ignore everything that was between us."

"And then you suddenly get together with Peyton. You made me believe you were in love with me…but a month after I ended things you declared your love for my best friend. You shoved me aside like I was nothing. You made me feel like I was nothing, like what we shared meant nothing to you."

"One month. And neither of you came to have a serious discussion about it with me. The three of us avoided each other like the plague. I was left alone…alone and with Rachel. Who, now I am thankful for, but at the time…god, at the time I thought I was in hell…I was in a place without my best friends and living with my enemy." Brooke cries; her tears return, sliding down her face as if to escape all the hurt that is resurfacing and piercing through her.

Her hoarse voice scratches away at my heart and a dark heavy shroud of guilt encompasses both me and Lucas. Neither of us thought about it like that before. Neither of us thought she was still hurting when we first got back together after the Championship game. I thought it was jealousy or the slight pain of letting go of Lucas too soon, but, obviously it wasn't – it was something deeper. I never thought that Lucas and I could cause that much pain in one person just by being together. And I don't think Brooke thought we could cause her that much pain all over again.

As Brooke takes a breath, I watch Julian approach her. He grabs her hand and squeezes it in reassurance. He's still here to give her strength.

"But I'm over it now," Brooke continues, "I've been over it because in the end I believed that your friendships were more important than stupid love triangles. I got over it all just so I could still have you two in my life. And what the hell happens…Again, you couldn't see what was staring you right in the face. So, like every time before, I put my 'Brooke is fine' smile on so that we could all go on with our lives. So that you two could have the fuckin wedding of your dreams."

More remnants of Brooke's anger are expelled when she kicks the foot of the table and smashes her fist down on top after her heart felt solo confession. Lucas' arms are crossed and one hand covers the lower half of his face as he suppresses a few tears. Julian and I…well, we're both staring at Brooke with disquiet worry. Only, guilt resides within me, and not in him.

"God, Brooke, I didn't want this for us," I cry, breaking the quiet atmosphere. "And I know this doesn't mean much to you right now, but…Brooke, you matter. Ok? So whatever is going on, you can just tell me. You don't have to wait for me to say something. Just tell me," I finish, but she remains silent. Her eyes don't even leave the floor.

"Brooke, come on, don't do this. You have to know that I am sorry," I try to elicit a response from her, "I never would be where I am right now if it wasn't for you."

Her hazel orbs finally shift to my direction, "That's funny, because I wouldn't be where I am right now, if it wasn't for you."

"Brooke, god, we are so sorry…just…just tell us how to fix this," Lucas asks as he takes a couple of steps closer to Brooke. I've never seen him this ripped apart before. He looks even more destroyed than he was when Lindsay ran out of the church on him. I didn't think it was possible, but he looks almost as hurt as he was when I said "someday."

"No. Stop it," Brooke whispers with exhaustion, "I'm so tired of this. I'm tired of having to come up with all the answers, all the damn time," she walks backwards away from me and Luke, closer to Julian.

"Brooke, please, I'm sorry, ok? I am so sorry. I can be here for you, just let me in." Despite my plea, I know that my words are useless right now. I can't prove anything to her by crying, I have to be there for her even after this craziness of a night. I have to prove to her that I can be there for her and that she matters to me.

"I'm sorry, Peyton, but I can't continue down this one way road of friendship…I need to pull over, for a little bit…I'm not cutting you out; I promise," she whispers and tries to assure me as she starts to walk away. She says something to Julian and he nods his head and places a protective arm over her shoulders.

You know what it feels like to have your heart ripped out because someone betrayed you? Well…how about when you betrayed them. What does it feel like to have guilt rip your heart out?

"Brooke?" I beg one more time, but she doesn't stop or turn around. She and Julian continue out the door, out of the house, and I'm praying…she's not walking out of our lives.

I bury my head in my hands once more. I feel Lucas' hand on my shoulder and I look up into his eyes. We don't know how to fix this. We should be happy about our marriage right now. We should be in newlywed bliss. But all we can feel is guilt...guilt for being ignorant, guilt for being selfish, guilt for basically creating our own separate world and not allowing anyone else in and not letting ourselves out. And what's worse...what's so much worse...is that the pain we feel...Brooke had that pain inside of her this whole time and we didn't see it.

Two weeks ago everyone seemed happy, content, complacent even. Two weeks…a few hours…twenty minutes…time doesn't matter anymore because everything has changed.

"And it's usually not until that thing is about to be taken away from you that you realize how wrong you've been, that you realize how much you really need it, how much you love it..." – Nathan Scott (3.20)

A/N: So, everything Brooke revealed and said…that's basically how I have interpreted her character and everything she's been through. Obviously, this "separation" between Leyton and Brooke will cause friction. And because of it, hopefully this will be the push Lucas needs to start to change back to the guy he used to be.

Hopefully they'll work it all out, not just with Brooke, but Jamie/Naley, too…and in time, the comedy in my story will slowly ease in again.

And this chapter was lacking some Julian, Chris, and Naley …but don't worry, they'll be back in full force in the next chapter. I needed this chapter to only be about Brooke, Lucas, and Peyton.

Mucho mucho Thank You Kudos to these amazing people: Iz-Belle91, LuluMcPhee, p0line, miralinda, ParadiseLost23, bella, brulian equals forbidden love, jess, TeamSophia, Idon'tknowyet, gigglingismylife, andrea, nicfanz, plasticlittleplastic, PeterClaire, Brucas Equals Love, Maiqu, Jane, ok, flipflopgal, Midnightwitch33, GodessSiri, BrathanBrucasBaleyBreyton, CheeryBroody83, cutiekesi, powerof3halliwells, greysluver13, chameron-brucas4eva, princetongirl, blair brightmore, xcgirl3, CoffeeWithCinnamon, SV, and sunshine

chameron-brucas4eva and SV: I hope Peyton's POV helped you get to know what's going on in her mind. And chameron, I know in the show she's usually more vocal, but hopefully I explained why she wasn't as vocal earlier.

gigglingismylife, blair brightmore, CoffeWithCinnamon: Thank you for the amazing compliments about this being better than the show and the insights on the last chapter. And I too will be disappointed if OTH does botch and eff everything up when the show returns.

And thank you amazing readers for keeping up with and supporting this story :)

Feel free to voice your thoughts on this chapter and look out for chappie eleven soon!

Shameless Plug: If you're looking for some laughs, check out my one shot, Jingle Bells, Lucas Smells :)