Author's Note: 'Sup! :) I changed my username. Hope you like this chapter!
Stacey bobbed her head to the Teen Drama theme song. She had, um, persuaded Byron to get off the computer for one and a half hour. Stacey needed to catch up on the episodes she missed.
Her heart skipped when she saw pictures of the cast. She missed them dearly. Stacey sighed, but remembered what she was here for. She scrolled down the Episodes page and found the one she had been thinking of all night: Laurelle Gets Revenge. In the episodes, Laurelle found out that Mason had cheated on her with Misty, so she slept with Misty's then-boyfriend (who Misty had also been cheating on when she hooked up with Mason) Eric. She clicked Play and watched the episode.
Teeeen Drama…Cy-anide cap-sulesLove affairs
We poison our boyfriends
And never despair..
Stacey hummed along to the theme song and watched as Laurelle plotted and schemed to get back at Misty. Laurelle was gorgeous and blonde and ninety percent of her body parts were fake. Just like Stacey. She glared at Misty, with her unruly curls and bad complexion.
There was a party that night at the Eastview Hotel (many of the characters' trysts had taken place there) and the whole cast of Teen Drama was invited. Laurelle arrived in a bikini top that barely covered her surgically-augmented boobs, a miniskirt, and stiletto boots. Stacey wrote down on a pad:
tiny bikini top
miniskirt
stiletto boots
Laurelle seduced Eric in the hotel elevator and they Did It right in Misty's hotel room. On the bed she slept in, of course.
Stacey watched, satisfied, as Misty walked in carrying two wineglasses and a bottle of Merlot for her and Eric's three-month anniversary. Stacey exited the website and went into her room to change for the BSC meeting. Her plan would work. It just had to.
xx
"Order! Order!" Kristy banged her gavel against the arm of her director's chair.
The members of the BSC straightened up.
"Any club business?" Kristy said.
Claudia blurted out, "There's a Homework Fairy!"
"I am appalled!" Mallory said.
"No, really!" Claudia said, ignoring the fact that Kristy was unwrapping a long piece of licorice. "My homework was all done when I came home from the party! And I'm gonna tell all our charges because – "
Smack! Claudia fell to the ground.
"Any other club business?" Kristy said, her eye twitching. When no one said anything, she smiled and took out stacks of paper, crayons, markers, and envelopes. "We'll be making invitations to the second pity party today."
The BSCers got to work. Stacey uncapped a blue marker. Ink squirted out on Mallory's shredded tube top. "Sorry," she said sweetly.
Claudia passed around highly-caffeinated sodas as they worked. "I think we should copy a bunch of these invitations and put them in envelopes." She looked around, grinning.
"Duh," Dawn snapped, adjusting her shoes which were just hollowed-out papayas.
Kristy whipped them both. "Silence! We will not be using the Xerox machine."
"Is it broken?" Mary Anne squeaked.
"I bet a racist guy did it," Jessi chimed.
Kristy waved the licorice in the air dangerously. "It is not broken. In order to discipline everyone, you will all be making approximately twenty invitations by hand."
"One hundred forty invitations? Is that how many people we'll be inviting?! I thought it was the same guest list as last time!" Stacey shrieked.
"You thought wrong." Kristy sneered. "Get to work!"
"These are cheap markers," whined Claudia as pink ink squirted all over her paper. Smack.
Dawn shouted, "Do not give into peer pressure!"
Mary Anne whimpered and did a push-up.
Jessi stared at the ceiling. "Racism these days…"
Claudia poured some soda up her nose.
Dawn sat up. "I almost forgot! I have some great news!"
"Tell me! Why didn't you tell me?!" Kristy shouted, whacking Dawn on the arm with her licorice whip.
Dawn winced and rubbed her arm. "It's a VEG rally at Petey's Pizza Parlor tomorrow afternoon," she said.
Stacey and Mallory rolled around on the bed, wrestling.
Claudia perked up. "Pizza?"
"We're not there to eat!" Dawn snapped. "We're there to protest with my vegetarian friends from VEG." Dawn stomped her papaya-ed feet.
Mallory leaned over the bed and coughed a soda cracker into Jessi's hair.
"Ewww! Eww! Racist alert! Raaaacist alert!" Jessi jumped up and shook her hair, trying to get it off her head. The soda cracker landed next to Claudia's hand. She picked it up and ate it.
"It's not that soggy," Claudia said, crunching.
Kristy frowned. "Why are we protesting at Petey's anyway? For pizza? Because I like their Meaty Petey's Pizza S'prise."
"They use meat for all their pizza!" screamed Dawn. "Six of their pies on the menu contain more bacon than dough!"
Claudia said, "I want to go! I want to eat there! I mean, uh, protest." Claudia smiled up at Dawn, who nodded.
"See, Claudia cares about the future of the animals!" Dawn said, raising a finger in the air.
"I am appalled!" Mallory shouted, drinking some fizzy, sugary soda to get poisonous soda cracker out of her mouth.
Jessi shivered. "Are there racist people at VEG?"
"Of course not. We're very open-minded hippies who are all blonde and surfers." Dawn smiled and pulled at her white hair. "What did you think?"
xx
Claudia was getting ready for her sitting job that afternoon. She was planning to spread the word about the Homework Fairy. Because of the special occasion, she slipped on a super wild outfit – a tutu that had was a little too small for her. Claudia adjusted it, sucking in her stomach. The pink tights went up to her knees. She strapped a pair of glittery wings around her back. They said THE HOMEWORK FAIRY EXISTS in Sharpie. Claudia poked some pencils through her ears. Her hair stuck straight up, with bits of paper in them. Claudia smiled. She looked acute.
Her afternoon babysitting job was for Rosie Wilder. Claudia walked to the Wilder's house, not caring that Becca Ramsey had thrown spitballs at her from Mrs. Arnold's carpool van. She brushed off some wet paper wads and rang the doorbell.
Rosie answered. "Hi, Claudia," she said. "I'm going to be doing my tenth-grade math homework, so don't bother me."
"Oh - hold on!" Claudia cried out. "You don't have to do it! The Homework Fairy will."
"The what?" Rosie wrinkled her nose.
"Yeah, she will! She did my homework for me. I bet she'll do it for you."
"Are you lying?" Rosie asked, squinting her eyes. "I've never heard of a Homework Fairy."
"She's a new kind," Claudia explained. "Let's go play, alright?"
Rosie and Claudia went outdoors to chase cars. Rosie ran after Mr. Newton's Toyota. "I'm going to steal your car!" she screamed, twirling in dizzy circles.
"I'll take your children and sell them!" Claudia yelled, throwing a crunched soda can at the van.
The two girls continued this for a half hour until Claudia was sure the Homework Fairy was done. Mrs. Wilder pulled into the driveway of the home.
"Collecting trash?" Mrs. Wilder said, nodding to the crunched soda cans Claudia had gathered to throw at more cars. "I'm so glad you're teaching her about the hobos."
"No problem." Claudia smiled innocently. She took Rosie's arm. "Come on, let's go get your homework."
"Did you finish it, Rosie?" Mrs. Wilder said as they stepped into the foyer. "I hear 10th grade algebra is very difficult."
"I didn't do it, Mom! The Homework Fairy did. Right, Claud?"
"Right." Claudia smiled proudly.
"The what?"
"It's a fairy that does your homework for you," Claudia explained. "Rosie, get your math and you'll see."
xx
"It's not my fault that the Homework Fairy didn't want to do her homework!" Claudia exclaimed. The girls were on their way to Petey's Pizza Parlor in the Junk Bucket, which they had borrowed from Charlie. Dawn was driving. She sat up tall, trying to look over sixteen.
"God, this is going so slow," whined Stacey. "Can't you make it go faster?" Her ripped tank top was askew, and her boob was hanging out.
"I'm not spending four dollars on gas," shot back Dawn, "so the Junk Bucket is running on bananas."
"Mm," thought Claudia.
"Here it is!" Kristy kicked open the door and climbed over Jessi and Mallory. "It smells so good!"
"It smells like death." Dawn parked the car crookedly and the girls spilled out. "Where are the signs, Claud?"
Claudia produced signs from the trunk that read MEAT IS MURDER and PETEY IS A CHEAT-Y. Dawn grabbed a few and passed them out. "Okay, get ready to barge in."
"Okay!" barked Kristy. She pushed Dawn aside. "I'm in charge, stinker. Poo-poo-faces – line up."
Stacey, Claudia, Mallory, Jessi, and Dawn straightened into a row. "Alrighty, you get in there and make me proud!" screamed Kristy. "Okay!?"
"Okay!" the BSC members yelled back.
"Hold on. Mallory, give me five bucks."
"What? Why?"
"I'm getting a pork-pizza," Kristy whispered from behind her hand.
xx
"MEAT IS MURDER! PETEY IS A CHEAT-Y!" yelled the BSC as they poured into the parlor, waving their signs. Stacey slammed into Mallory, sending her into a puddle on the floor that smelled like pee.
"Get out of here!" Petey shouted, pointing a finger. "Get out of here, you dumb hippies!"
VEG joined the baby-sitters, chanting, "MEAT IS MURDER!"
Kristy pushed past a tall brunette wearing an apple-peel shirt. "Petey, I'd like a Porkalicious Pizza," she said, handing over the money.
"Kristy!" screamed Dawn, whacking her over the head with a sign. "How could you?!"
"Hey, no one messes with Kristin Amanda Thomas!" Kristy screamed, tackling Dawn to the floor.
"Hey everyone, someone's being lynched!" Jessi shouted, jumping up and down. Mallory grabbed Stacey and pushed her into a display of fake plastic pizzas. VEG attacked Petey. Claudia ran behind the counter to look for something to eat.
"I am appalled!" Mallory shouted as Stacey swung her into the cash register.
"Shut up you ugly piece of hair!" Stacey screamed.
Petey's Pizza Parlor was shut down two weeks later.
AN: Okay guys. I'm so sorry I haven't updated. In like, forever. In fact, I don't really have an excuse. I was just being lazy. :P But now I'm back!
I guess I've become a little rusty since I haven't updated The Pity Party in forever. The humor might be a little, well, off. xD Anyway, hope you like it!