In the darkness, Batman heard a click, and Joker held up a cigarette lighter. "This was meant to light the candles on the cake," he muttered.
"Put it out – it wastes oxygen!" growled Batman.
"Who cares?" muttered Joker, sitting down in a corner in a huff. "We ain't getting rescued by your little pals or mine. And frankly, now that I realized you lied to me, I don't care if we live or die."
"Oh yeah, I'm the bad guy!" shouted Batman. "So far today I've had to appear in public with you acting all buddy buddy, lost my girlfriend, and now I'm going to die, all because of you!"
"It was Harley who told her about Wonder Woman," snapped Joker.
"Who was only there because you didn't believe her when she told you about me, and dumped her!" shouted Batman. "I guess the upside to this is that with you dead, Harley can finally move on and find someone better for her! Someone who'll treat her with respect!"
Joker suddenly brightened. "Wait, Harley!" he exclaimed. "She knows where this place is! She'll rescue us!"
"After the way you spoke to her?" demanded Batman. "Are you insane? First of all, she's probably miles away, second of all, she probably doesn't even know we're in danger, and third of all, I'm sure at this point she's hoping for your long and lingering death!"
Joker shook his head. "You don't know Harley. She could never stay mad at me. She'll come, you'll see."
Batman snorted. "You really are crazy," he muttered, sitting down opposite him.
Joker looked at him. "Twenty bucks," he said at last.
"What?" asked Batman.
"Twenty bucks," repeated Joker, reaching into his wallet. "I'll bet you. If Harley saves us, you owe me twenty bucks."
"And if she doesn't?" asked Batman.
Joker grinned. "I don't think either of us will be around to collect our winnings," he murmured.
Batman nodded slowly. "I don't have twenty bucks on me," he muttered. "I'll owe you, I guess, if we get out of here alive. But that's a big if. She's not coming."
"I know her," retorted Joker.
"Just like you know me?" demanded Batman.
Joker was silent. "If nothing else, today proves that you truly are insane," continued Batman. "Not that I needed anymore proof of that. You actually believed I would come over to your side, against all sense or reason, and against what everyone told you. I guess you just wanted to believe it so strongly because you desperately wanted it to be true. Just like you desperately want the thought of Harley rescuing us to be true. You see me as being your kindred spirit who just hasn't realized it yet, and you see Harley as being a loyal, loving, and true constant in your life, despite how horribly you treat her. And you were wrong about one of those delusions. Why wouldn't you be wrong about the other?"
Joker didn't respond, looking firmly at the wall. "I know her," he repeated. "She'll come."
Batman snorted. "You're a ridiculous man," he muttered. "You laugh at the whole world because you're afraid of it laughing at you. Well, guess what, Joker? Everyone we saw today was laughing at you. The other Rogues, that kid at the restaurant, everyone. They knew you were being a fool, and you're being a fool now. I almost feeling like laughing at how easily you were taken in by the friendship act. Haven't you always wanted me to laugh at you?"
"You don't know me at all either, I guess," replied Joker. "I never wanted you to laugh at me. I wanted you to laugh with me. But I guess that's never gonna happen."
"No, I don't think either of us feel like laughing right now," retorted Batman. "But maybe just before the end, when you realize Harley isn't going to rescue us, I might. Watching you realize that at the end, your whole worldview, and everything you believed in, was a lie. You know nothing, Joker."
"And what do you know, Bats?" demanded Joker.
"I know that we're both going to die," retorted Batman. "The sooner you accept that, the better."
Joker shook his head, leaning back against the wall. "Always the pessimist," he murmured. "I guess that'll never change."
"I should beat you to a bloody pulp for today, but that would waste oxygen too," muttered Batman.
"Well, if we're gonna die anyway, who cares?" asked Joker. "I wouldn't say no to one last punch-up. I guess the bright side of you lying to me is that our relationship is gonna go back to normal – I did kinda miss beating each other. I don't think it would have been the same fighting anyone else."
"I just hope Vicki Vale doesn't print a story about us being allies," said Batman. "I would hate for that to be my obituary."
"Yeah, obituary!" said Joker, brightening again. "That's a fun thing to think about! Just imagine all the great stuff that'll be in mine – responsible for the death of thousands, the misery of millions, the pain and suffering of innocent citizens, all those beautiful, lovely death grins, with a picture of mine at the top, of course…"
"And then nothing," finished Batman. "That'll be the final word on both of us. Ten years from now, or twenty, we might just be a vague memory, but then we'll be forgotten. Gotham will continue on without us."
"Well, what would be the point of that?" asked Joker. "What's Gotham without us?"
"Maybe better off," retorted Batman. "The Justice League will probably send someone to watch over Gotham. The other Rogues won't want to fight super-powered antagonists and will probably give up. The police will handle regular crime. Harley will move on, and find someone else, maybe the Riddler…"
"You watch what you say about her," growled Joker.
"She'll probably have a big, happy family, and you won't even be a distant memory," continued Batman. "If she ever does think about you, it'll be at how stupid and naïve she was to ever have gotten involved with you, to have mistaken abuse for affection. She'll remember how you said you never loved her, and think how much better off she is now, with someone who truly does love her with all his heart. She'll thank her lucky stars for her escape from a horrible, heartless, unfeeling monster…"
"Shut up!" roared Joker, leaping at him and punching him in the face. Batman returned the blow, and soon the two were in a full-scale fight, or as much as they could fight in the limited space in the pit. Batman tried to make himself feel better with each punch and kick, imagining Joker's pain as he heard his bones crack, but since they were both about to die anyway, it all seemed a little pointless. Batman got Joker in a headlock when he felt his lungs begin to ache. They were both breathing heavier as the oxygen burned up, and the lighter began to grow dim.
"Gotta say…I always imagined it would end with us kicking the crap outta each other," gasped Joker. "With one of us…killing the other…"
Batman released him suddenly. "I'm not…killing you," he gasped. "I'm dying with my principles…in tact."
"Yep, much more decent…to let people suffocate slowly rather than snapping their neck quickly," gasped Joker. "You're a real hero, Bats."
Batman said nothing, feeling his lungs burning as they went to go huddle in separate corners. He shut his eyes, and then opened them again to complete darkness. "Lighter's died," Joker muttered.
"We'll probably follow it soon," said Batman.
"Do you think…your life's gonna flash before your eyes?" asked Joker.
"God, I hope not," muttered Batman. "It's not a very happy story."
"No," agreed Joker. They said nothing, hearing each other draw ragged breaths. "What do you think the last thing you're gonna think about is gonna be?" asked Joker.
"I don't know," retorted Batman.
"They say…it's what you regret the most," said Joker. "I'm guessing…yours will be the bat costume idea!" he added with a small chuckle that turned into a choking cough.
Batman didn't respond, but he knew what it would be. He could see his parents now, talking and laughing as they left the movie theater. His life's biggest regret was that he could never save them from what was about to happen. The alley, the mugger, the gun…and then his world ending in an instant…
He suddenly saw a light appear above him, and wondered if this was the end, if his parents were going to appear to him and guide him into the light. He didn't feel anymore pain, and he was expecting to see the faces of his parents any second now…
He was stunned instead to see the face of Harley Quinn, pulling the lid off the ceiling. "Puddin'!" she gasped, sliding down into the pit on a rope and rushing over to the Joker, who had collapsed on the ground. "Puddin'!" she repeated, pummeling his chest desperately as she breathed into his mouth. "Puddin', c'mon, don't die on me! Don't die without me getting to say I told you so!"
Joker suddenly drew in a breath, coughing. His cough turned into a laugh as he gazed up at Harley. "What's so funny?" she demanded.
"Bats…owes me twenty bucks!" he gasped.
"Really? I save your life and he's still your priority?" she demanded. "That's it – I'm done," she began, heading back up the way she had come.
Joker seized her arm and pulled her into his embrace, burying his face against her neck. Batman saw him whisper something in her ear, and he saw his arms shaking as they held her tightly around the waist. Harley slowly put her own arms around his neck, shushing him gently as she began to cry. And then he kissed her, deeply and tenderly. Batman never found out what exactly he said to her, but Harley never forgot it.
"I'm sorry," Joker had whispered, his voice broken and shaking. "I'm so sorry. I was thinking of you at the end. When I thought I was going to die, my last thought was of you. My biggest regret was never being able to tell you how sorry I was for the things I said and the way I treated you. None of it was true, Harley. I love you."
"What did you say to her?" asked Batman, as they followed Harley up the rope and out of the pit.
"Y'know, she was right, I was less right, I'll buy her flowers, the usual stuff women wanna hear," said Joker, shrugging.
"You didn't even apologize?" asked Batman.
"Hey, I'm the Joker!" retorted Joker. "I don't apologize for anything! Anyway, you're the one who owes me an apology for pretending to be my friend today!"
"Not in a million years," retorted Batman. "I don't know how you put up with him," he said to Harley.
"Well, he owes me big now," said Harley. "He might even have to take me somewhere, like Paris! I've always wanted to see Paris!"
"Don't get greedy, you little brat!" snapped Joker.
Batman shook his head. He would never understand their relationship.