Chapter Nine: "The Real Progress"
Of The Real Me
Hey guys! Sorry it's been so long since my last update, but I didn't know what I wanted this chapter to be. I got the inspiration from watching the Voice when a contestant performed Hurt by Christina Aguilera and it just hit me!
Another thing, I love getting reviews from you guys, but I hate getting reviews that just say "update now" or the infamous "uupppddattee". It's really annoying and tells me that you don't read any of my authors notes because I normally say that I'm really busy and the update may take a while.
Song for the chapter: Whataya Want From Me by Adam Lambert. There will be lyrics throughout the chapter.
Disclaimer: I own nothing!
Enjoy!
Alec's Point of View
As the finishing touches are being applied to my meticulously styled hair, my mind wanders back to the past week.
Hey, slow it down
Whataya want from me
After Jace left, Magnus and I were left in a weird silence. It was obvious he didn't know what to say, and how could he know. Jace just saw us kissing, promptly forcing me out of the closet.
It wasn't that I didn't want to tell my siblings officially, I just didn't know how. I was never good with expressing how I felt; I normally pushed the thoughts away, never wanting to dwell on them again.
My mind was racing and I could feel myself slipping into a panic attack. I hadn't had one in a long time and thought that it was behind me, but it's apparent that I will never get past this.
I could feel my breath shortening and my body rocking back and forth. I backed into the wall and slid down while grabbing my knees and pulling them to my chest. I could faintly hear Magnus calling my name, but I felt so hazy that I couldn't form the words to answer him.
Yeah, I'm afraid
Whataya want from me?
After an unknown amount of time, I heard Isabelle's voice and felt her arms slide around me, gently coaxing back to the present. She was the only one who could help me when I had the attacks. I inhaled a huge breath of air and looked to my right to see Magnus's worried face. Several things passed through my mind, most revolving around the thought that I had just had a panic attack in front of my boyfriend? If I could even call him that.
Isabelle's soft, reassuring voice quietly told Magnus that it would be best to call it a night and I couldn't agree more. I'm always spaced out after panic attacks.
I went to bed shortly after Magnus left. It was obvious that he didn't want to, but I knew it was for the best.
Just don't give up
I'm workin' it out
The next day at school I was still quiet and none of sibling questioned it because they knew how I acted after those incidents. Jace ignored me altogether, not that I minded. We both needed time to process what happened and I knew that forcing him to accept it would only worsen the situation in the long run.
I went about my day like normal, except I avoided Magnus. It was hard considering we had all of the same classes, but I made sure I always had my headphones on. I remembered on our first date that he said he never likes being talked to when he had his headphones on, so he did the same with others.
It messed me up
Need a second to breathe
I watched him out of the corner of my eye in Calculus and saw that he was already looking at me as if my appearance would have all the answers. I was careful to keep my facial expressions neutral, as if my mind was blank when in actuality it was constantly racing.
It was apparent that luck was not on my side due to the fact that the rest of that period was a study hall and we could work together to complete our homework. This proved to be true when Magnus broke the tense silence between us.
Just keep coming around
"Ignoring me won't stop me from asking questions." Just as he said that the bell rung, prompting him to gathering his belongings and go to our next class.
This simple statement ignited several new thoughts to pass through my mind. I realized that he was right; running away never helps, but only prolongs the inevitable.
I had made up my mind: I was going to tell Magnus about the panic attacks.
Yeah, it's plain to see
That baby you're beautiful
And there's nothing wrong with you
I told him to meet me at my house after school. When we arrived, I led him to my room and closed the door. I turned to him as we both sat on my bed.
It's me, I'm a freak...
...Whataya want from me
"When I was 12-"
"Please welcome pop sensation, Alec Lightwood." I had somehow moved from the dressing room to the green room and waited for my que. I walked onto the stage giving the rowdy crowd a bright smile, pushing my previous thoughts to the back of my mind.
I walked over to the sitting areas and gave Ellen a hug. My nerves were coming back; I'm on Ellen for Angel's sakes!
"Hi how are you?"She asked excitedly, the crowd was just now quieting down.
"I'm great, thanks for asking." I responded.
"Many people think that you became famous from your parents, but we both know that's not true. How did you actually become famous?" I hate that people think that just because my parents have a company, we are automatically given anything we want.
"Jace and Isabelle are really outgoing and like going to a teen club, Pandemonium. One night they dragged me out to make me be more social. The club was having an open mic night and you could do anything and they signed me up to sing. I was terrified because I had never sung in front of a crowd. I performed The Climb by Miley Cyrus and there was a scout in the audience and he asked if I could come to his studio and audition for the label managers. I did some original songs they like it, and the rest is history."
"You did an interview when you first went on your album promotion tour. What was that like?"
"It was very surreal. I have always dreamed of being able to share my music with people and to actually be doing that was amazing." I said, knowing I had a bright smile plastered on my face.
"What's your favorite song from your album, Who You Are?"
"It's hard to pick a favorite because they were all written for specific reasons. I don't think I could pick a favorite." All of my songs were written when I needed to explain my feelings. Trying to pick a favorite, would be like picking a favorite child.
"What is your least favorite part of being famous?" I knew the answer to this without having to do any thinking.
"For me, it's the media and paparazzi."
"Why that part?"
"Sometimes it feels as though my life is under a microscope. I went to the grocery store in sweatpants and they thought I was having crisis. It was seven am on a Saturday and we were out of orange juice." This made the crowd laugh.
"You and your siblings started attending St. Raziel's High School. How have you liked it so far?"
"We all love it. The people there are so nice. We've all found our group, so to speak, to hang out with."
"Is this the group of people you're referring to?" A picture of Magnus's friends came up on the screen from the night we went to Taki's.
"Yeah. That's Jem, Tessa, Will, Ragnor, Camille, and Magnus." I told them pointing to every person as I said their name.
"It's obvious to everyone that you are really close to your siblings. How do you guys stay so close when you're constantly traveling?"
"I try not be gone for too long, you never what Jace and Isabelle can do when left unattended for too long." This caused the crowd to start laughing. I love Jace and Izzy, but they can be a little mischievous.
"Last question from me: Are you dating anyone?" The question my blood run cold and transported my mind back to when Jace talked to me about what he saw.
It was Thursday, two days after I told Magnus about the panic attacks, and I was sitting on my bed listening to music when my door opened. In walked Jace, who hadn't talked to me since he saw me and Magnus kissing. I had already told Max, Izzy already knew, so he was the last one I wanted to tell officially.
He walked in and sat on my bed, my headphones long forgotten. He took a deep breath before he started talking.
Just don't give up
I'm workin' it out
"I wanted to talk to you." Was all he said. This one sentence did nothing to calm my nerves. What did he want to say? Was he repulsed by me? Ashamed that I was his brother?
"Why didn't you tell me? Don't you trust me?" He looked up and the only way to describe the look in his eyes was desperation and sadness.
Please don't give in
"I do trust you Jace. I was going to tell you, I just didn't know how." I said with as much conviction as I could.
I won't let you down
"What do you mean you didn't know how? All you had to say was 'Jace, I am gay.' It doesn't seem too hard to me." I could tell he was getting upset, but he needs to understand that it's not that simple.
It messed me up
"You can't sit there and say that it's simple. I didn't know how to tell you because I didn't want you to hate me. I didn't know how to tell you because I didn't want you to be like Mom and Dad. How do you think I feel when they come home and say homophobic shit like it's nothing. It tears me up inside and I wanted our relationship to stay the same." I said, practically yelled, all in one huff.
Need a second to breathe
"I didn't think about how you felt… and I'm sorry you have to deal with them. I'll make sure they don't do that next time they're here." He spoke quietly after a tense moment of silence.
Whataya want from me?
"Jace, I'm gay." If he could compromise, so could I.
"Thank you. So, what's going on with you and sparkles?" Jace is back.
"Sparkles? He has a name, and I don't know. We went on a date and we hangout and text each other, but nothing's official." I mumbled, not use to talking about Magnus with Jace, I had just gotten used to talking Izzy.
"And he's treating you right?" I blushed looked anywhere, but at Jace.
Whataya want from me
"By the Angel Jace, what is this? Twenty questions?" I try to get my face to return to a normal color.
Whataya want from me
"No, I'm not dating anyone." I say trying to make it as believable as possible. I hate that I'm too much of a coward to come out. I hate that I have to lie. And I hate pretending like my feelings for Magnus and what we have doesn't exist.
"Let's take some questions from the audience." The rest of the interview went like this. I answered random questions from the crowd and to my surprise, my face didn't go up in flames when one person asked a really embarrassing question (which I will not repeat).
When we were done with the interview, I went back to my dressing room to get my bag before heading to the plane..
I got on the plane thinking about whose arms I wanted to be in at that moment.
Magnus…
A/N: Aww! I love writing this story. I wanted this chapter to follow the pattern of alternating point of views, but I couldn't convey this in Magnus's point of view.
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Faking A Smile