Seattle, August, 2014

While a hotel this big in central Seattle shouldn't be this quiet by midnight, Alex felt like she was the only one awake as she made her way through the corridors and let herself into her room. If you could even call her state of mind 'awake', that is. She turned on the lights, tossed her bag on the bed and kicked off her shoes.

Oh God I'm so tired I feel like I've taken a beating, she thought and wondered if she really had the energy to take a shower - that would mean standing up for several more minutes - but decided that she had to. She would definitely not feel up for it in the morning, that was one thing for sure, and she had to wash her hair. She sighed and began to peel off her clothes, stepping out of them as she went, leaving a trail of clothes behind her. She wasn't normally one to be untidy, but she simply didn't have the energy to care about that right now.

She got into the bathroom and turned on the shower, then did what she knew she shouldn't do when she was exhausted and emotionally fragile - she looked down at her body. She was in a good shape for approaching fifty, no doubt about that, but there were things exercise and good genes could do nothing about. Like scars. She had been shot twice, and miraculously the bullets had caused no serious harm, rendering her the Bureau nickname "Bulletproof Blake"… but they had left scars. She had also been stabbed, or rather cut, by an unsub once, and the ragged scar climbed like a silvery snake from her hipbone almost all the way to her bellybutton. It looked worse than it had been; it had been a superficial wound, but it certainly wasn't pretty to look at. However, in wrestling the unsub, she had saved the lives of two children and their mother, so it was a small price to pay. Also, James had never been repulsed by this scar, which she supposed was a good thing. No, in fact, just saying he wasn't repulsed was selling him short; he called it her 'mark of bravery'. An intriguing thing to say to someone as much of a coward as she had turned out to be.

She stepped into the shower and leaned her forehead against the tiles, allowing the water to stream down her body, almost scorching it.

What am I getting myself into? she asked herself, knowing perfectly well that her full attention should be directed at solving the case and not her personal relationships, but she was unable to stop her thoughts. She stood like that for several minutes before she could even raise her arms enough to rub shampoo into her hair.

After brushing her teeth and putting on the tank top and shorts that served as her pajamas, she staggered out of the bathroom and collapsed on the bed. She crawled up under the covers and looked at her cell phone. She had a message from James.

Hey honey, just a quick note. Things are chaotic, but I'm fine, so don't worry about me. Hope your first day at the new job went well. I'll call you tomorrow or the day after, depending on when/if things calm down a little. Love you. J.

She read the text a second time, almost started typing a reply, but then changed her mind. The way she felt right now, anything she wrote would either come across as moody or melancholic, and she didn't want to distract him either. Not when he was working in an undermanned, under-equipped, under-everything, clinic with Ebola patients. A moment of distraction and it would be equal to signing his death sentence. Probably not, given how experienced he was, both as a doctor and with field work like that, but the risk was always present, and it was greater than it usually was. Better talk to him on his terms. Better for both of them.

With that decision, she rolled over and fell asleep almost immediately. This night she had definitely no need for sleeping pills.

JJ laid down in her bed and stared at the wall. She wondered where they were going from here, if there was anywhere to go at all. She didn't doubt that Alex was sincere, but the pain she had felt, the confusion and anger after the abrupt break-up, wanting nothing but to sort things out, only to realise the class had been reassigned to another professor… that had hurt her beyond words. For weeks afterwards she had waited for something to surface; a rumour, someone higher in the University hierarchy calling her, hell, in the darkest hour of the night she even imagined the cops knocking on her door, telling her they had to arrest her for sexual harassment or even raping her teacher. Never mind that everything they had done had been more than consensual, JJ was feeling more and more guilty and paranoid and probably would have snapped if it hadn't been for Agatha. Her roommate had cancelled dates to stay home and hold her while JJ cried Alex out of her heart, had been up endless nights while JJ went through all human emotions regarding Alex, everything from guilt and shame, to anger and disgust, to happiness and sadness, and right back to anger. Agatha had been the anchor JJ so desperately needed; she knew she might have done something stupid if her roommate hadn't held her back.

She turned over and wished she could push all those memories away. Maybe Alex hadn't seen her as a plaything, but she had probably seen her as young and vulnerable. Only that didn't sit right with her; there had been no shortage of moments when JJ had felt like she, JJ, was the one leading the dance. Like there was something very fragile about the other woman, never mind that she had fifteen years worth of more life experience than JJ. Like there was something that she still kept hidden and refused to reveal, the way she had refused to reveal her work with the FBI.

I never meant to hurt you, Alex had said this evening as they parted, and as much as JJ wanted to scoff at it - the older woman certainly had hurt her and should have understood that she would - she couldn't, because there had been more truth in Alex's eyes than could be acted. In fact, as pained as JJ had been over the years, for the first time she wondered if Alex hadn't been the one that hurt the most. The quiet, stoic linguist who would rather suffer in silence than revealing her weaknesses. But why?

JJ didn't know, but she was going to find that out before they parted ways again.

The next morning, JJ waited outside Alex's hotel room, with a cup of hot, strong, black coffee in her hand and a hopeful look on her face. When Alex opened the door and saw the other woman, she nearly retreated back into her room, but then remembered that she was supposed to be braver than that.

"Good morning," JJ said. Alex sighed.

"I thought we established years ago that's a self-contradiction."

"I know that, which is why I brought you some coffee," JJ said and handed over the cup. Alex accepted it gratefully and took a sip.

"Thank you. I needed that. How long have you been up?"

"A little over an hour. I took a quick run, showered and got you the coffee when I had breakfast."

Alex groaned and glanced at her watch.

"It's six am, Jennie, are you even human?"

JJ smiled. Oh, she had missed this. She didn't want to admit it, but she had.

"I'm the early bird?"

Alex returned the smile and drank some more coffee, ignoring the heartburn it awoke. She'd take something for it as soon as she had a moment to herself.

I slept so much better with you, she thought, and her body agreed eagerly. She had always been a rather restless sleeper, unless she was completely exhausted. In spite of the size of the bed she shared with James, she had accidentally kicked or pushed him out of bed more than once over the years. She could tease him about his foot twitching when he was asleep as much as she wanted, but in reality, she was the tosser and turner. But with JJ, she had slept well. Regardless of being the bigger spoon or the smaller, there was something about JJ that made her relax.

Had made her relax. She would probably never be able to relax around the younger woman again, and that was sad to think about.

"You promised me we'd talk today," JJ said.

"Can I wake up properly first?"

"You keep putting this off. You get till we get to the car, okay?"

"I thought you said you could go another ten years without talking to me."

"Please don't argue, I want to have a civil conversation."

"Yeah, you're right. I'm sorry," Alex quickly said as they stepped into the elevator. "I really am. It's just…" she trailed off and shrugged, feeling sheepish. "You know."

"Yeah, I know," JJ said and wondered if she dared touching the other woman. Back in the past she had been an expert at reading Alex's moods, but it had been long since. But Alex had been the one to touch her last night; just a brief squeeze of the shoulder, but she had been the first to reach out. This time JJ did; merely tracing her fingertips down Alex's arm, and although there were at least two layers of fabric - blouse and blazer - between her fingertips and Alex's skin, it still seemed to ignite a spark that had never died. Oh God, she wanted to pin her to the wall and kiss her senseless. Alex glanced back at her and JJ held her breath, wondering if she felt the same. But the brunette said nothing, made no move. She merely looked away again.

JJ felt disappointed; she didn't understand how, but for a moment she had thought maybe there was still a chance for them... but apparently not. She withdrew her hand and sighed. This was so complicated. Alex was so complicated. Or, perhaps it was the two of them combined that was complicated.

Meanwhile, Alex stared at the elevator buttons and tried to keep her mind from wandering to that long-time fantasy she had, about having sex in an elevator.

Jesus Christ woman, you have a dirty mind, she told herself, but apparently her mind didn't care. It was always like this around Jennifer Jareau. Alex wanted everything with her; the passionate lovemaking, the romance, the cuddling, even the mundane moments like doing dishes together. She wanted it all, but she couldn't have any of it any longer.

It's my own damn fault, I was the one who walked away.

Yes. But that didn't make her regret it any less.

I'm standing less than two inches away from her, and I still miss her.

Alex almost - almost - reached out and pulled JJ close, but in the end, she managed to put a leash on her own impulses. For good and for bad, she still had that impulse control she was so proud of. Only it wasn't so much an impulse control as it was a highly concrete fear of being slapped in the face. God knew she had deserved it. So instead of giving in to their mutual attraction, they both kept the distance, only this time with much more effort.

This time, JJ had graciously handed the keys over and allowed Alex to drive, for which she was very grateful; she preferred to keep her mind occupied with something if she was going to talk about difficult things. As they pulled out of the parking lot of the hotel, JJ stared at her with a tiny smile.

"What?" Alex asked.

"What do you mean, what?"

"Just because I don't look at you doesn't mean I don't know you're looking at me. I can feel it. Why are you smiling?"

"Because I can tell that you are really on edge, and yet you're not smoking. I never thought you'd be able to give that up. I mean, sometimes you even got up in the middle of the night for a cigarette."

Alex chuckled.

"It's easier when you do it for yourself and not because someone is constantly poking you in the ribs, reminding you that cigarettes are bad."

"I never poked you in the ribs," JJ replied, but she too was chuckling a little.

"You kept reminding me they're bad for me though."

"They were!"

"And if you don't stop talking about it you're gonna make me crave one again," Alex warned her, but she was still smiling. Oh, the banter. She had missed that.

"I've missed you, Alex," JJ said in a quiet voice, almost as if she had read her former lover's mind. "I guess that doesn't fit with what I've said earlier… but I have. That's why I need to know what was really going on. Why you ended it and why you ended it the way that you did."

Alex bit her lip. How did she respond to that? Before she could gather her thoughts, JJ's cell phone rang.

"JJ. Where? Okay, we'll meet you there." She hung up and turned to her colleague. "A second body has been found."

Alex sucked in air through her teeth and shook her head.

"We're running out of time. If he's starting to get rid of them, he might be looking for new victims soon. Which of course might make him easier to find, but…"

She fell silent. JJ nodded.

"Yes. But."

Neither of them brought the topic of their own complicated relationship back up; both felt it was inappropriate at the time. But they both regretted that the chance had once more slipped between their fingers; the walls built between them were crumbling and they both wanted - almost reluctantly - to see what was on the other side.

"Where are we going?" Alex asked, and for a moment JJ thought she meant their relationship, but then she realised that it was somewhat more pragmatic than that. She gave her current colleague/former lover the address after a brief moment of consideration. As Alex turned the car around (and JJ had to admit that she probably was a better driver than JJ, at least in urban neighbourhoods), JJ looked at her from the side again, lingering a little too long at her mouth. She missed the kisses that mouth could give. And the bites. And the licks.

"I still know you're looking at me," Alex said, her voice slightly amused.

"How do you even know that?" JJ muttered. "I'm an FBI agent, I should be able to look at people without them noticing."

"Yeah, but I'm also a teacher, Jennie, teachers know when people look at them, and when they're not," Alex replied, trying not to grin and failing miserably. "With or without FBI education."

"About that," JJ said. "Why didn't you ever tell me you were with the FBI?"

Okay. This I can answer without ripping my heart out for public display.

"I knew you would be intrigued, and the last thing I wanted to talk about, even think about, at that time, was the FBI. I was ready to hand in my notice and retire from the Bureau altogether, I really didn't want to talk about it, particularly with you. I didn't want to mix you, who was the good thing in my life, with the FBI, which was the bad."

"Oh." JJ winced a little. "Ironic, huh?"

"Yes, that is ironic," Alex agreed and tapped her fingers against the steering wheel. "I'm sorry, maybe I should have been honest about it."

"There are a lot of things you should have been more honest about," JJ mumbled, but this time she didn't sound hostile.

"Yes, there are," Alex replied, and her words were followed by silence from them both. "So," she said in a businesslike tone after a few moments, "Case. What about the body?"

JJ sighed. Of course, this was progress, but she was tired of the ease with which Alex backed out of unpleasant talks. Even the case seemed to work in Blake's favour in that aspect that news on it seemed to come in whenever JJ had her cornered, forcing them to drop everything.

"JJ?" Alex's voice was much softer. "I swear we will talk this through. All night, if we have to. But right now we need to focus on the job. What did Hotch say about the body?"

"Do you really promise?"

"Yes. It's about time we put things to rest," Alex replied, and she could almost hear David Rossi agree with her.

"Okay," JJ said after a moment's pause, and proceeded to retell what Hotch had told her on the phone. About the time Blake was brought up to speed, they were at the dump site, and once more the chance of discussing things had come and gone.

A/N

They're thawing, but it's not easy. Not to do and not to write. I hope it's not too difficult to read, though. ;)

Next chapter will be Christmas-y, so I hope I'll manage to get it done at least between now and New Year's Eve. :P