CHAPTER 10

Fighting against all my instincts and better judgement I leave Gideon alone when we get back to the penthouse. He tells me he wants to be alone so I just watch him as walks away from me, he goes and locks himself in his study and a few moments later the blaring sound of heavy metal music fills the apartment along with some duller sounds of crashing and banging.

I shake my head, I'm worried, that music clearly mirrors the turmoil rolling through Gideon at this moment, and part of me wants to go to him to try and offer him some comfort, but I also know when Gideon is hurting he separates himself and he likes to be alone until he has processed everything that is happening, and he has got a hell of a lot to process, so I will give him that, for now.

As I busy myself, my phone rings and I glance at the screen I don't recognise the number but it's a New York number so I hesitantly answer.

"Hello," I say warily.

"Eva, it's Chris Vidal, Ireland gave me your number, I hope you don't mind me calling but I needed to know how Gideon is, I've tried calling him but he isn't answering his phone and when I tried the office, Scott told me he had gone home sick."

The concern is evident and I smile, Chris truly cares about Gideon, and that thought makes me happy, very happy.

"He's struggling at the moment, which is understandable after what happened, so I took the decision to bring him home, as he was worthless at work after that confrontation with Elizabeth, I made the excuse that he was sick when I asked Scott to deal with his appointments, at the moment he just wants to be alone, and I'm giving him that space for now, but he's not in a good place," I say.

Chris sighs, and a moment later he just breaks down on the line.

"I never knew any of that, and I need him to know that if I had, I would have believed him and fought for him, but I didn't know and now its eating at me, if I had known, I could have done something, I feel like I totally failed him, and I am truly shocked at Elizabeth's behaviour and her part in all this, I feel as though I don't know who she is anymore, the woman who I thought I was married to, wouldn't behave like that and wouldn't do what she did, I don't think I can ever forgive her for keeping this from me and more importantly for not being there for Gideon," he says.

I can hear that the guilt is killing him and I try and say something to elevate it a little.

"Don't Chris, please don't do this to yourself you have no reason to feel guilty, it's not your fault, you know now and you believe him, you believe it happened to him the way he said it did, and trust me that will mean more to Gideon than you could possibly imagine, plus you know how proud he is, so whatever you do, don't pity him, he won't want your guilt induced pity, just give him time and let him come to terms with the fact that someone else believes him, because that is what has thrown him, because all he is used to is denial and disbelief," I say remembering Angus's words.

I hear Chris gasp at that but I continue regardless, "it'll work out eventually, as long as you don't pity him, just let him know you are there for him and that you believe him, that is what he needs, he needs to know he isn't alone."

"But you believe him? Did he react in a similar way when you told him you believed him?" he asks.

"No, because he didn't tell me, I worked it out for myself when I witnessed his nightmares, and I kind of pushed him to get him to admit it," I say.

"Jesus" he whispers, and then he seems to pull himself together, "You are very wise," he adds in a louder firmer voice.

I laugh bitterly at that, I'm only wise because I experienced exactly the same reaction recently when my father found out about Nathan, which I quickly realise was oddly similar to Chris, as he had never been told, and so he too felt a degree of anger towards my mother for not telling him, but in my case it hadn't been wilful negligence and denial of the facts on my mother's part, I had persuaded my mom not to say anything and because she was drowning in guilt and self-recrimination at the time my mom agreed to my demands, and as a result of that my dad also felt a sense of guilt and failure as a father, because he was unaware of what had happened to me, so I know exactly what Chris is feeling and I also know it won't do Gideon any good.

We talk a while longer and I assure him that I will call him if I need him. After I hang up and I am considering going to see how Gideon is when the doorbell sounds, I sigh and walk towards it, I know of only 2 people who have direct access without having the desk call up first, so I know it is either Angus or Raul outside. I open the door and see Raul standing there holding a piece of paper, I glance at it and then back at him before holding the door open and inviting him in.

"The statement from Giroux," Raul says holding out the paper to me.

I'd forgotten about that with everything that has happened since and I sigh, something else, if it doesn't rain it pours, everything seems to be descending on us at once, when are we going to catch a break and when are we going to be able to just live our damn lives.

I take the paper from Raul and we head into the living room, Raul looks around.

"Where is he?" he asks.

"In his study," I say.

"Scott said he wasn't well, but Angus told me that there had been some kind of confrontation with his family and you'd brought him home," Raul pushes.

I look at him, "Both are true, he had a confrontation with his family and some stuff came out, he didn't handle it well and so I took the decision to get him away from the Crossfire and bring him home, to do so I made the excuse to Scott he was unwell, which I suppose technically speaking he was."

I look down at the paper in my hand and start to read.

It is with sadness that Jean Francois Giroux announces that he and his wife Corinne are to divorce, ending their 5-year marriage. The couple separated 2 months ago and Mrs Giroux left France and returned to the United States, but official proceedings have now been set in motion.

It is short and to the point, I do the maths at the length of time they were married, realising quickly that if she left Gideon for Jean Francois and married shortly afterwards Gideon was only about 22/23 when he was engaged to Corinne, so it was as he had stated in his interview, they were just far too young and naive and rushed into getting engaged as it seemed to be the obvious progression. I am also surprised to note that they separated two months ago, Corinne has been back here for about a month so they had been separated a month before she came back to New York, I look up at Raul.

"Has it been released yet?" I ask as I hold it up.

Raul shakes his head, "No, 4 pm" he says and I quickly put together a statement in my mind should the press come calling for a reaction from Gideon.

"Thank you," I say and Raul nods and offers me a polite smile.

"No problem," he says and with that, he turns and leaves.

I look at my watch, I have time, I go in search of Gideon, I follow the music and try the door of his study, thankfully it is unlocked and I carefully open the door, and I hold my breath as I peer in wondering what I am going to find inside.

What I do find breaks my heart, he has trashed his study and he is sitting on the floor amongst the debris with a lost expression on his face and beside him is an empty decanter. A sliver of unease runs through me at the sight of it, is he drunk? I hesitate and he looks up at me, I study his gaze, he isn't totally smashed, but he isn't totally sober either, I take a deep breath and walk towards him.

"Careful Angel, it's a bit of a mess in here," he says his words slurring a little and looks around him.

"Just a bit," I say as I pick my way through the destroyed study.

I lower myself to the floor beside him and he lifts his arm and pulls me close.

"What do you have there?" he asks looking at the paper I am clutching.

"I thought you'd want to see this," I say offering it to him, "Raul just dropped it off," I add.

He takes it from me and reads it, his eyebrows rising.

"So, what does this have to do with me?" he asks handing it back to me.

I smile, "Everything, when the media make the obvious links with you when this is released, and then come knocking for a comment," I say.

I see him think about that and slowly he heaves himself off the floor and then pulls me up.

"What do you suggest?" he asks.

I stare at him, it's like all the fight has gone out of him, this is not the Gideon I know and if I am honest it is scaring me a little.

I shrug, "that one is down to you, do you want to prepare a statement to release if you are asked for comment, or do you want to just ignore it and go down the no comment route?" I ask.

I watch as he scrubs his hand over his face, and thinks carefully.

"It's a fine line to tread, if I say nothing it implies culpability and guilt, if I say too much it implies culpability and guilt," he says.

As I watch him, he moves suddenly and his fist slams down on the desk, I jump at the sudden explosion of violence.

"Damn Corinne" he spits out as his desk shudders from the impact.

He turns to me, and immediately looks contrite at my startled expression.

"I'm sorry Angel I didn't mean to scare you," he says in a softer tone and he reaches for me.

I walk into his arms, "I think you should say something, so let me deal with it, I'll put together a statement and then you can tell me who I need to call to release it, should you be approached," I say confidently.

"Ok" he replies.

I pull away from him and I see a notepad and pen amongst the debris on the floor and I pick them up as Gideon starts to tidy up the mess he has made. I quickly draft out a statement and then hand the pad to him to see what he thinks, he takes it and quickly reads what I wrote.

"That's very good, it's short and to the point and also makes it clear that it is nothing to do with us," he says.

I smile and he tells me to call someone called Des in his PR department, and he gives me a direct phone line to call him on, I pick my way to his desk and picking up the overturned chair, I right it and sit down in it and pick up the phone which is thankfully still sitting there and connected and wasn't subjected to Gideon's destructive rampage.

I hesitantly dial and wait, "Des Murphy," a deep voice says.

"Erm... hello, this is Eva Cross, Gideon's wife, I'm calling on Gideon's behalf regarding the announcement due to be made at 4 pm this afternoon by Jean Francois Giroux."

"Oh hello Mrs Cross, I heard Mr Cross had gone home sick and I was wondering what we should do and what the official response was going to be when we got word this announcement was coming."

"Yes, I have a statement prepared which Gideon wishes to make if approached for comment," I say.

"Right go ahead," he says.

I take a deep breath, "Mr and Mrs Cross are saddened by the news and send their condolences to the couple regarding this situation, but as this is clearly a private matter between the Giroux's they have no further comment to make." I stop and wait.

"That sounds spot on, sympathetic to the news but distant enough to stop any questions being raised about involvement in it, I'll make sure that is released if we get any request for comment or questions from the media," he says.

"Thank you" I reply and with that, I hang up.

As I do so I wonder what else will be flung at us. I remember my altercation with Anne but quickly put it out of my mind, as that is the last thing Gideon will want to hear about today.

I look up at him, "Chris called," I say nervously.

Gideon looks at me, "Did he?" he says.

I nod and walk towards him, "He's worried about you," I say.

I watch as Gideon shakes his head a look of utter disbelief on his face, "I honestly thought he knew, I thought he knew and didn't believe me either, I was so sure my mother told him, as I have a vague memory of my mother telling him about taking me to see Lucas," he says incredulously.

I shrug, "You probably do, she may have told him that she was taking you to see a paediatrician, but didn't tell him why," I offer.

He thinks about that and nods, "Possibly" he says.

"Why did you trash your office?" I ask.

"I don't know, I felt out of control, that's why I had to get away from you, I didn't want to hurt you, I was feeling so out of control, I needed you more than ever, I wanted to be with you, but the way I was feeling, I didn't trust myself to have the control I have to have with you so that's why I separated myself from you, I wasn't shutting you out purposely I was protecting you, you do understand that don't you?"

He waits for my response and I nod, and I realise he is now afraid that he has fucked up again and I am going to run, because he distanced himself from me rather than talking things through, but to be fair, I understand his need to take time out to process things, especially the enormity of everything that happened today, what I don't like is when he keeps things from me and continues to lock me out.

I think I have reassured him I'm going nowhere though and once he has grasped that reassurance he continues, "and all those emotions that were flooding me, I needed to release them and the release valve was me trashing my study," he says and looks around him.

I walk towards him and wrap my arms around him and he holds me tightly, I am shocked, he said so much and much to my surprise he continues to talk.

"The realisation Chris never knew and his reaction to finding out... I just couldn't deal with it, I've always known denial and disbelief, that I can handle, that I can deal with, but the fact he believed me... it just threw me and screwed with my head, I didn't know what to do. I mean I know you believed me, but that was different, I didn't tell you, you guessed from witnessing my nightmares and from your own experiences, when I told you, that day I was just confirming what you already knew and had figured out for yourself. Chris had no proof other than my word today and yet he accepted it without question. I don't want him feeling bad about not knowing, and the last thing I want or need is his pity," he says.

I smile inwardly, that is exactly what Angus said and what I had said to Chris.

I sigh, "It's not pity Gideon. Do you remember what you said to me when I said much the same thing to you after I told you about Nathan? You said you weren't made of stone, well neither is Chris, he has received some pretty shocking news today and he reacted to it, he reacted as any decent human being would do, with shock and anger that it had happened to you, not mention the fact he was never told, and remember that he considers himself your parent, so he also feels he failed to protect you and he was concerned, and that concern was for you, but remember his initial reaction was also one of belief, because that is how a good parent reacts, they believe their children, he told you that he believes you, he believed that it happened Gideon, and this is a good thing, a positive thing, I believe you and so does Chris, which means that you no longer have to live with it alone," I say gently.

I watch him and he thinks about it and then slowly nods.

We tidy up the office and then head out to the sitting room, Gideon has changed and is sitting in sweatpants and a t-shirt, he is still very quiet and withdrawn and then suddenly he seems to realise it is the middle of the afternoon.

"You should be at work," he says.

I shake my head, "it's ok, I called Mark and told him you were sick and I needed to take you home, I told Scott the same thing and he has taken care of your appointments," I say.

"Thank you" he replies simply and then he returns to just gazing into space.

I wrap my arm around his waist and shuffle closer to him and rest my head against his chest.

"You don't have to thank me, I'm your wife and I love you, so of course I was going to take care of you," I say.

He doesn't say anything in response to that but I feel him squeeze me a little tighter as I say those words.

oooOOOooo

(GIDEON)

I think I must be in a state of shock, the events of earlier this afternoon keep replaying on a loop in my head. I could kick myself for telling Scott to just let Chris come through when he arrived, I had a good idea why my mother had made the effort to come to into the city to see me, and I thought it was to chew me out about eloping, and the interview so I figured that she would reign it in if Chris showed up. What I didn't count on was a full-blown confrontation, resulting in what eventually happened.

I smile as I recall Eva arriving, always looking to protect me, and jump to my defence, always ready to stand beside me and fight my battles for me, she attacks like a tigress, and she lashes out mercilessly at anyone who she believes has hurt or wronged me.

My mother deserved everything she got from Eva, but what I didn't expect was for Chris to walk in and hear it all. But what shocked me to the core was the fact he was totally ignorant, at first, I thought he was bluffing, so to not incur Eva's wrath, but it quickly became apparent that it was no act, he really had no idea what had happened, my mother hadn't even bothered to tell him, as she had so comprehensively dismissed what had happened.

I lost it completely when he told me he believed me, the idea of that just threw me completely and I don't have much memory of what happened next, I vaguely recall being led out by Eva and getting in the car and returning here, and shutting myself in my study and then trashing it, desperately trying to find an outlet for all the out of control emotions coursing through me, the way I was feeling scared me, and I knew that I had to keep away from Eva, I couldn't trust myself around her, while I needed her desperately, and wanted to sink into her and fuck her hard, I was alert enough to realise that was the last thing I should do whilst in the state of mind I was in, as I wouldn't have the control I needed and I would hurt her and probably frighten her, and that is the last thing I needed, so I kept away and vented my anger and the roiling emotions on my study instead.

I am now sitting on the sofa, I watch my wife hovering, she is pretending she isn't, but I know I have worried her today with my behaviour, she has never seen me so... broken, and I immediately worry that what she witnessed will have a detrimental effect on our relationship, then I realise that is stupid after the way she has rallied and stayed at my side today.

I am slowly starting to believe that she loves me and that it will take more than the mother of all meltdowns to drive her away and that she is done running.

I watch her as she flits around the room, she looks tired and it's not surprising, I am in awe of her, she dived in and took charge, she brought me home, and took care of me and also took charge of the issue of the divorce announcement by Giroux and what response we should offer if the media wanted a comment from us, that reminds me that I didn't ask her about her meeting with Deanna Johnson, Raul told me she had handled it beautifully and that in his opinion we wouldn't be hearing from her or having any more trouble from her after the way Eva dealt with her, and I hope he is right.

I think about everything that is going on at the moment, everything seems to be coming at us at once, Corinne and her book, I wonder what the next thing will be from her, I am irritated that she still talks with my mother and getting my mother to come and speak to me for her has really pissed me off.

We also have Anne Lucas trying to get my attention, I am waiting for Eva to tell me about the altercation she had with Anne today at lunch, Raul had gone to the restaurant, after Eva alerted us of Anne's presence, keeping his distance and he told me how Eva had played her at her own game, pretending not to notice her until she physically walked into her.

Now we have this new situation to deal with, now that Chris knows I wonder what will happen, the last thing I want is for him to make a fuss in some misguided notion of parental care and I certainly don't want or need his pity.

I feel the need to get away, take Eva away somewhere, just the two of us, like when we went to the Outer Banks... the Outer Banks! Shit! With a jolt I remember the Outer Banks house and the surprise I have for Eva regarding that, I was supposed to be signing the paperwork for that this afternoon, I had managed to buy it, and I was going to surprise Eva with it tonight, I pull out my phone and call Arash.

"Arash the paperwork I need to sign for the Outer Banks beach house," I say as soon as he answers.

"Hey how are you, Scott said you had gone home sick?" Arash replies the concern evident.

"Yes, I was unwell and Eva was there at the time and she took the decision to bring me home, but I'm feeling much better now thanks," I say.

"Good, you never get sick, so it was a shock to hear," Arash says.

"I'm fine, now those papers," I say.

"I've couriered them to you so you can sign them, the courier will wait and bring them back to me so it can proceed as originally planned," Arash says.

"Excellent" I reply.

"Gideon," I look up at Eva's call.

"Hang on Arash," I say and press the phone to my chest "Yes Angel," I reply.

"The front desk is saying there is a guy here asking for you, they say he's a courier and that it's urgent," she says.

I smile, "Tell them to send him up," I say and she stares at me a moment before doing as I ask, I return to the call.

"Arash, the courier has arrived so I'll go now," I say.

"No problem, I'll swing by later with the completed paperwork and the keys and... hey, get well soon!" he says.

I thank him and kill the call and then head out to the foyer where Eva is accepting the envelope, the courier is waiting and I smile at him.

"Thank you," I say as I open the envelope, I quickly read through the paperwork and when I am satisfied everything is in order I sign it, and then pushing it back into the envelope I give it back to the courier.

With a curt nod, he disappears into the elevator and is gone.

"What was that all about?" Eva asks as we go back inside.

"A time-sensitive issue which needed my attention, Arash needed my signature, so he could proceed as planned, I wasn't in the office so this was the only other option," I say.

She shakes her head, "I know you are not really sick but if you were that would have been really out of order!" she says.

I pull her close, "Angel, I've never been sick in all the time Arash has known me, so I guess he was wondering what he should do, it was a deal which needed to be closed today by a certain time, so he did what he had to do," I explain.

"Ok," she says grudgingly.

I lead her back inside, knowing I will have the deeds and the keys to the Outer Banks house by this evening.

"How are you feeling now?" she asks me as I close the front door.

"Ok... I think," I say and I grasp her hand and pull her into the living room. Leading her to the sofa I ask her to sit down and then I fetch my laptop and place it on her lap.

"What are you doing?" she asks looking from the laptop to me and back again, confusion written all over her face.

In reality I have no idea what I am doing, but I am looking for a distraction, I still don't trust myself sexually with Eva yet, but I need something to focus on and this popped into my head.

"We will be having the renovations done to the penthouse shortly," I say and Eva nods still looking confused.

"This is no longer just my home, it is our home, and so that being the case we need to pick out some new furniture," I say and I lean over her and call up a fine furniture website, I had been previously browsing.

Eva turns to look at me in shock.

"What about what is here already?" she asks gesturing around us.

I shrug, "I'll sell it," I say.

To my great surprise Eva shakes her head, "No, I love this place as it is, you can't replace everything just because I am moving in with you," she says.

I stare at her, "I want you to feel at home here" I say.

I see her face soften and she smiles, "I do, I love it here, it's beautiful," she says.

"But I picked everything, there is nothing of you here," I argue.

She leans forward and cups my jaw with her hand, "I will be here, isn't that enough?" she asks.

I grab her and pull her into my lap, "don't talk stupid Eva, of course, having you here is enough, I just..." I fade off not knowing how to finish, "I just want you to be happy," I say lamely.

"Gideon if I am with you, I am happy," she says then she reaches for the laptop and starts browsing. "You won't recognise the place once I have all my crap everywhere," she says with a grin.

I smile at the thought, I watch her and see she is looking at bedroom furniture.

"Perhaps we could compromise, the renovations will be to the bedroom area so we could perhaps get new stuff for there," she says and she turns to look at me.

I nod, it's not quite what I had in mind, this is one lot of renovations I don't want, it highlights just how fucked up I really am, that I can't even spend the night with my wife, but if this is what Eva wants then I am willing to go along with it.

"Sure, pick whatever you want," I say trying to sound engaged about it.

I obviously fail as Eva turns and frowns, "Are you sure you are on board with this?" she asks.

I wrap my arms around her and kiss her neck, "I just want you to be happy Angel, whatever you want, it's yours," I say.

"This is your home too, you have to be happy with it as well," she retorts.

"You will be living here, I'll be happy," I say.

I hear her sigh and she pushes away the laptop, "Gideon about these renovations," she begins.

I look at her waiting for her to elaborate.

"What is your goal?" she asks.

"I don't understand what you are asking," I say.

"These renovations, it makes our sleeping arrangement kind of permanent, and I don't want that, so I need to know that we are on the same page with this."

She hesitates and then gestures to herself, "my goal is that eventually we will get to a point where we can spend the entire night together, is that what you want?"

My heart breaks, I feel like such a fucking failure, I am a selfish asshole, I bullied Eva into marrying me and yet I can't even give her this fundamental thing in our relationship.

"Of course that is my goal," I say, although I'm not sure how I am ever going to reach it.

She nods, "and how are you planning on getting to that point?" she asks.

Crap! I stare at her, and I have no idea what to say.

She comes and sits next to me and reaches for my hand, "Gideon, I don't want to make a big thing about this, but if we make alterations to the apartment, it kind of makes our current sleeping arrangement permanent and I don't want that" she says.

"Angel, it kills me that I can't spend the whole night with you," I say.

"What if we talk it over with Dr Petersen he knows about your nightmares because he prescribes you the medicine, maybe he can come up with something you can do which will work alongside the medicine, give you a better chance at overcoming them?" she looks at me hopefully.

I am torn, it will mean me revealing more about myself than I am comfortable giving, but on the other hand, it would be considered worth it if it meant I could confidently spend the entire night with my wife without the fear of hurting her.

"I'll think about it," I say and Eva nods.

She doesn't push me, she has just accepted my response, she knows how I feel about shrinks and that is enough for her at the moment. We have our couple's therapy tomorrow night, maybe I could work myself up to saying something or perhaps leave it until I have my solo appointment next week.

We sit and talk and look through various furniture websites, in the end, I persuade her to pick out some stuff for the penthouse and I am happy with what she has chosen, it's not much, but knowing she picked the items for us gives me a little thrill. My mind starts thinking about food and I have just put the idea of some dinner to Eva when I hear the intercom phone ring, I stand and go to answer it.

"Mr Cross it's James at the front desk I have an Arash Madani here to see you?" he says.

"That's fine, send him up," I say and hang up.

"Who was that?" Eva asks.

"Front desk, Arash is on his way up," I say.

Eva smiles, "Ok, I'm going to order some food, what do you want?"

"I'm in the mood for a steak," I say and Eva grins.

"Good choice," she says and disappears to find the menus.

Arash appears a couple of minutes later and holds out an envelope to me.

"Thank you," I say as I take it from him.

"You don't look ill, yet Scott said you looked like shit when you left with Eva earlier," Arash says.

I shake my head, "I did and I felt like shit, but I'm feeling much better now," I say.

"Hi Arash"

I turn and see Eva joining us.

"Eva, good to see you again, you obviously have healing hands," Arash says.

I see the confusion on Eva's face, "he is referring to the fact I came home ill and yet now according to him, I don't look ill," I say.

"Oh I see, well he's feeling a bit better now aren't you baby?" she says.

"I am" I reply and I reach for her and pull her close, Arash smiles as he watches us.

"Well I'll be on my way and say goodnight to you both," Arash says after a moment.

I release Eva, "Thank you for this," I say holding up the envelope.

"No problem," he replies and with that, he turns and leaves.

Excitement is coursing through me as I pull Eva into the living room again, she watches me carefully she can tell something is going on.

I give her the envelope, "This will explain the courier this afternoon," I say.

She takes the envelope from me and stares at it suspiciously.

"Open it, it's yours," I say, the excitement rising within me.

Eva glances at me and then rips it open, she pulls out the deeds of the beach house along with a photograph of the property and the keys fall out of the envelope on to the floor, I stoop to retrieve them as Eva stands staring at the deeds her eyes wide and her mouth hanging open and she sits down unceremoniously on the sofa.

"You bought it," she says eventually.

"I did," I say "for you, this is my wedding gift to you", I say.

"Gideon this is too much," she says and shakes her head, I sit down beside her and reach for her.

"Look at me Eva," I say and she turns her head she still looks a little shell shocked, I explain my reasons for what I did.

"That weekend I spent there with you was one of the happiest of my life, in fact at that point in my life it was the happiest weekend I had ever had, bar none, it made me realise what we had together and what we could always have, it was there that the first thoughts of marriage entered my mind and took root," I stop speaking as I see tears welling up in Eva's eyes.

"You are so romantic, thank you, this is wonderful," she says and she flings her arms around me, a feeling of warm satisfaction floods me, I did good!