Chapter 9: Cry Without A sound

Jude tried to remain calm, what the hell was calm, when she knew that monster loomed out there awaiting her. She moved the blankets shakily. Feeling as if everything had suddenly became slow motion. "Just breathe Jude, maybe he's not so angry this morning, just breathe." She told herself, more like chanted it.

Finally she emerged form the closet, not even able to look him in the face, she put her head down, staring at a spot on the floor, just waiting, for the moment, waiting for pain, but it never came. She felt his arms snake around her in a hug, but she didn't move. "I'm sorry Jude, I didn't mean to hurt you. I love you Jude, do you forgive me?" She knew she'd better respond or he would just have another reason to be angry with her. She looked up at him, tears staining her pale cheeks. She nodded, to afraid to say or do much else. She felt stiff in his embrace, wanting to pull away. "I umm, I have to pee Andy, sorry," she said barely above a whisper. She felt him loosen his grip on her, letting her go. She quickly made her way into the bathroom, closing and locking the door behind her. She needed the barrier between them, even if it was only for a few minutes.

Jude didn't bother to flick on the lights, she could already see the bruises forming, now how would she explain this. She couldn't go into work like this. Sitting down hard onto the toilet seat, she put her head in her hands for a moment, not able to think straight. She'd have to cover it. How could she even begin to try to explain this to anyone. She couldn't end of story. Expelling a breath, she reluctantly stood and unlocked the door slowly. He had already began getting ready for work, she could tell by his hussle around the next room. Glancing at the clock, she moved into the bedroom to grab some clean cloths, extra careful with what she had picked out, as to conceal any bruise on her arms, and maybe a darker colour would be better. Not caring she removed her cloths and dressed knowing he could walk in at any moment. It just didn't matter anymore. Nothing did. She tried to tell herself she didn't deserve this but the more she thought the more she felt that she had.

Turning to the mirror Jude clasped a necklace around her neck, to keep attention away from anything she might not have seen. When she'd returned from the room Andrew had already left. She let herself sink into the kitchen chair, suddenly feeling very claustrophobic, as if the room was closing in on her. Holding onto her head, she couldn't let the tears fall now. She didn't have time. Standing again, she made her way into the washroom, to carefully apply makeup, then began rushing around the house so she'd get to the studio on time.

Jude found herself in a daze, as she watched Kwest fiddle with some of the buttons behind the mixing board. She stopped for a moment as he looked at her. "Jude can we talk?" he asked softly. "She felt tears surface at his words, but bit her cheek refusing to let them fall. Not right now. She nodded taking a seat next to him.

"Look Jude I know you're not happy with Andrew, I know things aren't okay. I can't say as I know exactly how you feel Jude, but I know in my own way. Tommy was my best friend for a long time. I just wanted you to know that I'm here for you. No matter what okay. If you need anything. Even if it is just to talk, I'm here. I don't care what I'm doing or what time it is." He finished.

Jude smiled slightly, hugging him. "Thanks Kwest."

"Look Jude I care about you. You know what I mean. You're like a little sister to me. I'm here whenever you need me." Jude nodded. Feeling slightly awkward. She has always liked Kwest actually they'd become pretty close friends before any of this had happened. Everything had changed her now. She felt empty. Like she barely deserved to be alive.

He could see the hurt in her eyes, such pain that could never be described in words. He wished that there were a way to help her. To bring Tommy back. To see her happy again, but he was far from anything she needed to be happy. She needed Tommy, and he knew that just as much as he needed Sadie in his life.

He watched as she moved stiffly into the booth in front of him, and wondered if she wasn't feeling well. He noticed she had applied more make-up than normal but probably just to hide paleness. He decided not to even question her as to not make her feel worse.

Jude put her all into the song, letting it flow, and pour from her emotions she hadn't even known she'd felt. After a few takes, she felt a bit dizzy, maybe even nauseous, remembering she'd forgotten breakfast but she didn't really care at the moment. It hadn't really taken long to finish the song. The track was laid down. It felt right to her. If she could just feel like she fit into her own skin now. She'd feel a bit normal. Knowing that wouldn't happen not today anyway. She gathered her things Quickly, the day had gone by fast, and she needed to get home. Not in the mood to argue, or be hit today, she wished she could just be alone.

She hugged Kwest, and pecked Sadie on the cheek before heading out the door, pasting on a fake smile, she knew they could probably see right through. She wished they knew just how much she dreaded walking out that door, how much she really did not want to be home. She shook her head and walked out of G-Major, throwing her things into the backseat of her car, she climbed inside the driver seat, started up and drove away. Feeling as if she just walked away from her only way out.

All the way home she prayed that Andrew had, had a good day. Or that he'd just not come home at all. She'd found herself making dinner quickly, watching as the clock in the kitchen ticked away every minute she had without him there. There was a game on tonight, so she knew that would catch much of his attention, god forbid they lose or she get in his way though.

She pulled the cookie tray from the oven, making sure the chicken she'd prepared was cooked all the way through before turning off the stove. She prepared his plate and hers. Taking hers into the room, not wanting to eat in front of him again, but she knew she needed the food, she'd skipped two meals today as it was, now feeling guilty, she had to get nourishment into her body for the baby. She cradled her stomach for a moment, feeling the baby move withing her, and smiled. If anything she had, she still had her child. She prayed to god almost every waking moment that he not take that from her too. She couldn't handle it, she knew that without this one thing that kept her going her life would be over completely. She hoped to be finished eating before he got in, and to her surprise she had.

By the time he'd actually gotten home, she'd finished dishes, left a note for him that she wasn't feeling well, and that his dinner was in the microwave and would only have to be uncovered and hated. She'd started falling asleep writing again, thank god she'd managed to hide away her journal before she fell out completely. His game was on soon so he didn't pay much mind to her.

The next time she'd awoke she felt like she'd been hit by a bus, and that was stating it kindly. Her nose was stuffed up, her head ached, and her chest felt like it had weights on top of it. What in the hell could hit her this fast, She panicked at first, until she found herself sitting up and still breathing. Her body felt hot. "oh no!" she thought, removing the blankets, standing up on legs that felt like jelly. She felt cursed. "Damn it all!" she swore at the air around her.

Feeling hands touch her, she jumped turning to reveal Andrew who was smiling, "They won the game baby, isn't that cool!" She nodded feeling dizzy and unsteady on her feet. He kissed her forhead his smile fading. "Jude you're hot!" he exclaimed. "Oh you noticed," she stated sarcastically, like he'd have any concern other than himself. Being sick she couldn't do everything he'd wanted. Not that he wouldn't force her to anyway. "I need to lay back down," she stated not feeling to confident on her feet. "Okay," he stood there watching her for a moment before leaving the room, to watch some TV. She felt relieved that he was going to leave her alone, but one misery for another? Life is so cruel!

Jude pulled the blanket up to her shoulders, feeling chilled, she knew she had a fever and probably needed to take something but she didn't want to move at the moment. She let her eyes flutter closed, Thanking god that tonight seemed to be uneventful. She let herself drift back into a dream state. Maybe she'd dream something happy for a change, maybe someday it would all be okay.