"Wake up" Cody said cheerful.
Randy sighed and got out of bed, he was still tired but Cody was more important.
They got dressed and ate an opulent breakfast before they left.
"Where're we going?" Randy had no clue.
"It's a surprise" Cody's eyes remained on the road. Randy gave up and closed his eyes.
He took a nap while they drove for an hour "We're there" Cody whispered into his ear.
Randy opened his eyes "Happy second anniversary" Cody kissed him. Randy looked surprised "How…?"
"I asked John" Cody grinned "I thought we should celebrate the day we reunited"
A little smile tucked on Randy's lips, he felt the love rise in his chest "Great idea"
"I know" Cody jumped out of the car and opened Randy's door "Wait" he helped Randy out of the car. His ribs weren't healed and Cody had seen the lines of pain in his face while he got into the car.
"You don't need to help me" Randy blushed slightly, it was embarrassing.
"You're in pain and I help, that's the rule of a relationship" Cody continued to smile.
Randy shook his head and accepted his new rule "Where do we start?"
"Hm, the rollercoaster has to wait for a few weeks" he looked around, searching for something acceptable "Here" he dragged Randy to a less strenuous rollercoaster with less painful safety measures.
"They press against your hips but not your ribs, no sharp curves or looping. Perfect" Randy watched his lover while he talked. The young man seemed happy but he felt sad and therefore he hated himself. Cody did this to make him happy and he wasn't even able to feel anything but sadness.
"Don't you like it?" Cody registered that Randy seemed to be miles away.
"I do like it" he forced a smile on his face, Cody eyed him for a moment before he let it go.
"That's good" he smiled but it didn't reached his eyes. He knew Randy was lying but he had all day to change his mood.
They spent hours at the amusement park before Cody dragged him to the cinema. They watched an action movie. Cody hoped some action would lighten his lover's mood.
"Do you like the movie?" Cody asked as they walked to the car.
"It was fun" Randy meant it.
"We should buy the DVD when they release it" the young man offered and watched Randy's reaction.
"Sounds great" the older man gave him a little smile. Cody came to the conclusion that he was indeed honest this time "I reserved a table at the restaurant you chose last time" he changed the topic.
"You don't have to do all this" he was overwhelmed by the affection he got. He wasn't used to it.
"But I want to, because I love you" Cody gave him a peck on the cheek.
Randy felt a hint of happiness "I know"
"Get in or they cancel our reservation" the young man joked. Randy chuckled and obeyed.
The food was great and the atmosphere was perfect for a date. Warm colors, candles on the table and soft music "I like it here" Randy felt comfortable.
"We should go out once a month" Cody like their day. He had fun and Randy seemed to be more relaxed.
"It's my turn next time" Randy sipped on his wine.
"No, you planned the date" Cody took his hand "It's my turn to rack my brain"
"Okay" Randy was fine with the idea but Cody gave him a serious look "Do you mean it when you say 'okay' or is it your obligatory 'I do as you wish' okay"
"I'd love to go on a date with you, especially when you make up a plan" Randy explained.
Cody relaxed, that was good "It will be special"
"I know it will" he squeezed Cody's hand.
"Let's pay and get out of here" Cody was nervous, the next part of his plan was the most exciting but dangerous part of it. He followed Randy's original plan but he wanted to ad a talk to it. They had to talk and Cody hoped Randy would be relaxed enough to talk.
They walked through a park. It was a beautiful park with a huge playground and a clear lake surrounded by meadows and healthy trees.
Cody settled down under a tree and pulled Randy down with him.
"Let me embrace you this time" he said and positioned Randy between his legs before he put his arms around his middle. Randy's back rested against Cody's chest and his hands rested on Cody's. He tilted his head to the side so Cody was able to rest his chin on his shoulder.
"You're clever" Randy said after a long pause.
"Clever?" Cody tried to look at Randy.
"It's time for the talk isn't it?" he stared at the lake.
"What gave me away?" Cody wasn't as careful as he thought he was.
"Your nervousness" Randy replied "You smile too often and you rub your neck once in a while. And I can see that you're thinking a lot since we started our date"
"You can see that?" Cody blinked.
"You get a faraway look and you frown slightly" there were more indications but he kept them to himself in case Cody tried to avoid his habits in the future.
"You know me well" the young man felt happy.
"You know me too" Randy shifted a little to get more comfortable.
"When did it start?" he used the chance to get to know him. He wanted to know more than his body language or stories John had told him.
"I was a teenager. My father isn't as nice as people think he is. He pushed me hard as I was younger and I hated it, sometimes he even hit me. My classmates didn't like me much because of my looks. The girls loved me but the boys hated me, things never changed even after they knew I wasn't interested in girls. I knew I wasn't hetero and one day I told my best friend … and my best friend spread it around. I hadn't realized that he was homophobic or else I would never have told him. Now that I'm a grownup I think he might be gay too and was scared of his feelings. I never loved him but he avoided me like the plague. The assaults at school, my parents and the betrayal of my best friend made me who I am. I never learned to cope with 'stress'. I envy you and our friends"
"I'll teach you how to talk about feeling and wishes, I'll teach you to love yourself and I'll teach you how to keep yourself safe" Cody vowed.
"Would be nice but I'm not sure I can get rid of it" Randy couldn't leave the past behind. The break up had hurt and it still hurt. The words were echoing through his mind at night and Swagger's presence followed him everywhere he went. He broke completely and still wished to die but he had a reason to fight against it.
"We try" Cody rubbed Randy's hand "Please; tell me more about you and Chris, the aftermath of your break up. Tell me about us, tell me everything"
"I don't know where to start" Randy thought about it "Chris and me were friends, we fell in love but I loved him more than he loved me. I asked me out and told me he loved me and he would like to change our friendship into something more. I thought why not? It was a terrible mistake. We had a great time until I caught him with a stranger and he confessed that he was unfaithful more than five times during the year we were together. He said it was my own fault, I was weak and unsatisfying. He told me I was not the person he thought I was. Chris was disappointed in me because he realized that I'm hard to handle. I believed him. I wasn't worth his love. I continued to hurt myself, hot showers, I cut myself and I trained until my whole body screamed to stop. I don't know I needed it at that time. I couldn't handle his betrayal and his words. I couldn't handle my life anymore. A few weeks later I took sleeping pills. I don't know why and how it happened. I remember that I sat on my bed with a bottle of Whisky and sleeping pills and then I awoke in the hospital. An overdose hurt, I felt sick and my body hurt. I wished I had died. John held my hand as often as he could; he stayed for hours, until the nurse threw him out. John and Adam convinced me to move in with them. They locked me up for days and kept an eye on me. I'm thankful, I think. They did everything for me"
"They're great friends" Cody confirmed. He made a mental note to thank them.
"Yes they are. That's why I can't choose between you and them. I'm sorry" Randy felt bad.
"You don't have to. I finally understand why you love them so much. It wasn't fair of me to push you. I was jealous because they knew the real Randy and I had a hard time to figure you out. I thought you might leave me for someone who understands you better than I could"
"Never" Randy looked at the night sky.
"I know that now" Cody kissed his neck "Please continue"
"I got over him because my friends showed me how much they care. They stood by my side whatever I did, it didn't matter to them. Then I met you. I fell in love with you at first sight. Your beautiful eyes caught my attention and I knew you're the one but you were so young and carefree. I never thought you would choose someone like me. I kept away from you because of Ted. He loved you with all his heart and you shattered his heart. I know it wasn't your intention but I was scared it could be part of your personality. And then you stood in front of my door. To tell the truth … I wanted you that night but you were drunk and I loved you too much to use the chance you offered. I watched you while you slept; you looked so cute and vulnerable. I realized that I made the right decision by staying away from you. I was confused as you started to follow me, I turned down your offer, I – I was … so not worth it but you stayed. Our first date was the best I ever had; I loved every minute of it. But I don't know where our relationship went wrong. I hate it to fight, I hate to see you sad, I hate to cause your sadness and I hate when people I love are angry with me. I wanted a happily ever after"
"You'll get your happily ever after. I swear" Cody tightened his embrace, worried his lover would disappear once he let go of him.
Randy's silence was answer enough "Randy, I will never let you go again. You'll see"
"The day you suggested to take a break was the worst of my life. I wanted you to stay but you looked so determined and I thought it was what you wanted. I put your happiness before mine and when I have to leave you to make you happy I will"
"Don't you dare! It's not what I want and isn't what I wanted that day. I wanted you to ask me to stay" Cody confessed.
"I thought you're tired of me"
"No" Cody whispered "Never"
"I met John in the locker room. I wasn't in the mood to talk and he got angry, saying I shouldn't bother him should I change my mind. I never told him what happened. He tries hard to make it right but I can't talk to him like before. I don't like that but I can't change it either.
Swagger entered the locker room after my friends left. He hit me and my head crashed against the locker. I saw stars for a while. He pinned me to the locker and touched me everywhere, he kissed me and ejaculated over me. I still feel sick when I think about it. I prayed for help but you misunderstood. I don't blame you, he set us up but I had hoped to talk to you. It hurt as you sent me away, but I understand your reasons. I would have done the same. Seeing you every day was killing me. The hate in your eyes, the venom in your voice. … I couldn't deal with it. You were my lifeline and suddenly you were gone. I held the pills in my hand that night but I couldn't do it I had hoped you would listen once you calmed down. I cut myself instead of killing myself. I knew I had a concussion the day Adam found me in the restroom but it didn't matter at all. I felt terrible for many reasons and that was what I deserved. The first thing John asked was if I took something. He was sure I overdosed again but this time I held on living to satisfy them. It wasn't fair to end my life while they tried so hard to safe me. Adam collected my belongings from the hotel and they brought me to their home, again. I felt like an intruder. I disturbed their peace. They looked out for me; they spent every minute watching me. John found me in the shower as I cut too deep. I didn't feel it but I liked the way the water turned red. I sat in the shower like a scared child, it was embarrassing but I felt better for a short time. I often contemplated suicide. I still do. I thought it was a dream as I heard your voice after the match went wrong. I couldn't see or hear clearly, it was scary. John told me you were there. I like to know you worried about me even though I did stupid things"
"I'll, always, be by your side" Cody tried to work through all the information. It was sickening to hear Randy talk like that.
~ He wants to die even though we got back together. My action must have hurt him so deeply it left scars, not only on his arms but on his heart and soul too. I haven't thought he's so vulnerable behind his strong façade. It's surprising he's still alive, after all these years of pain and betrayal. I have to work hard to make it right. I must not fail! ~
"I can't believe in it" Randy pulled him out of his thoughts.
"I swear to god or whoever that I will not leave you" Cody panicked.
"You don't trust me enough to believe in me" he stated.
"I was selfish and angry. It's not that I don't trust you" Cody tried to rescue the situation.
"It's a matter of trust" what confused Cody most was that Randy lay still in his arms and showed no intention to leave "Why are you still here then?"
"Because I love you" the older man sighed.
"But you think I don't trust you. You think I'll leave" Cody said bitter.
"I take the risk and enjoy it as long as I can and maybe one day I can make you trust me" he caressed Cody's hand.
Cody pressed his face against Randy's shoulder and stifled a sob. Randy felt how Cody's arms tightened around him "Don't be sad"
"But I am" Cody mumbled "I don't want it to end, I don't want to lose what I love most"
"Me neither" the young man looked up "But why throw it away? We can make it work. We can grow old together… and I still want children with you"
"I would like that" Randy felt so much pain he could barely breathe. Cody sounded so honest. He wanted to believe in him but he wasn't able to sort out his emotions. His heart told him to believe in his lover but his mind screamed at him to ignore his lies. His heart had led him astray once but Cody wasn't a liar.
"I feel like I lost you" Cody confessed.
"I'm not gone yet and I think I'll stay as long as you want me to" Randy replied.
"I want you to stay forever"
"Therefore you have to stay forever"
Cody smiled sadly, that was an information he could work with. His lover would stay as long as he showed that he cared.
"Let's go home" Cody suggested "Our home"
Weeks passed but Randy was still not the same. Cody had hoped that their talk had helped Randy to overcome parts of his past but he was still so sad. The young man grew more and more desperate "Randy?"
"Yes?" the older man prepared their dinner "Don't be mad at me but I made an appointment for you. I think you need a psychiatric. I beg you get professional help" Cody held his breath.
Randy looked thoughtful "I think you're right" he confirmed "I can't go on like this forever and it isn't fair to you. When is the appointment?"
Cody let out his breath "Tomorrow morning"
Randy nodded, his lover was right. It was time to get help and rescue what was left of him and their relationship "I accompany you" the young man offered "if you want me to" he added.
"Yes" he wasn't ready to go alone.
"Thank you" Cody kissed his cheek "There's nothing to thank for" Randy placed a kiss on his forehead.
"I got something for you" Cody took a little box out of his pocket "I bought it a while ago and I think it's time to give it to you"
Randy took the box and opened it, there were two identical silver chains with silver cross on it "They're beautiful" Randy smiled. Cody took one of them and put it around Randy's strong neck "Looks nice" he smiled "I missed to feel the cool metal of the ring at night and I thought it was time to bind you to me. I got the proposal but you get the promise to never be alone again" the young man gave Randy the other necklace and waited for him to put it around his neck. Randy took the necklace and put it gently around his lover's neck "I'll stay" the older man promised.
"Of course you will" Cody looked serious "I'll never let you go and I mean it. You can cheat, you can rage, you can do whatever you want but I'll stick with you until the day we die" Randy knew Cody didn't believe that he would do one of these things, not anymore, but it was nice to hear it.
"There is only one thing I'll not tolerate" Cody cupped his cheeks "I won't leave you for this but I have problems handling it"
"Self harming you mean" the young man nodded before he gave Randy a loving kiss.
"I know you can't stop right now but we will work on it, okay?"
"Yeah" he kissed back.
The appointment was less then satisfying. Randy was a wreck and the doctor gave him meds against his problems. Cody hoped it wasn't a mistake to drag his lover to a psychiatrist. Meds weren't good, but after the first appointment was more than suspicious.
He called a second psychiatrist after they arrived home but he told him that, sometimes, a heavy medication was necessary to protect a patient from himself. Cody wasn't convinced and hoped he made the right decision "How are you?" they lay on the sofa and watched T.V.
"I feel sad" Randy confessed, Cody had a right to know.
Cody nodded; it was surprising that Randy told him how he felt "Do the meds affect you in any way?"
"I took the first dose one hour ago" Randy reminded him "They won't show their effect for a while"
"I know" the young man pulled his lover closer "I'm worried about side effects"
"I feel tired" Randy thought he meant his mental state.
"We should sleep then" Cody got up and led Randy into their bed room "I have to go to work tomorrow" the young man was nervous.
"I won't kill myself while you're at work" Randy undressed, Cody stared at his arms "We're going on the road in two weeks, I want you to accompany me"
Randy turned around to look at him "Do you think it's a good idea? I mean I'll distract you more than help you"
"I'll be more distracted when you stay behind" he was scared what might happen when he left him alone for too long.
"You get your way, this time" Randy smiled at him.
That was enough for Cody "You're the best" he took him into his arms. Cody enjoyed the warmth of his body and his soft skin.
"I know" Randy kissed his neck before he tried to suppress a yawn.
"Time to get some rest" Cody pushed him onto the bed and tucked him in before he crawled under the blanket.
Randy rolled around and lay on Cody's chest. Arms wrapped around the younger man.
"Sleep love" Cody whispered softly, Randy mumbled an inaudible answer.
"Randy wake up" Cody shook him gently "I want you to take your meds before I leave"
Randy sighed and took the pills Cody offered and swallowed them with water "Satisfied?"
"Oh yes" Cody grinned and gave him a kiss on the forehead "See you later"
"Be careful" Randy laid down.
"I will" Cody promised and left.
The young man entered the locker room and was surprised to see Jericho "What do you want?"
"How is he?" Chris wanted to know.
"Why don't you ask him?" Cody spat, Randy's story ran through his mind.
"I wasn't sure you'd appreciate my presence that much" he was too much of a coward to face Randy while Cody was there "but I give him a call once a week"
"You do?" Cody frowned, why did Randy hide his contact with Chris?
"He's scared you'll get jealous and leave" Chris saw the question in his eyes.
Cody chuckled sadly "My own fault that he doesn't trust me much"
"He trusts you but he thinks he's not worth it" Chris rubbed his neck "That part is my fault"
"We did many stupid things" Cody sat down on a bench.
"Please answer my question. He tells me he's fine but Randy is Randy. He wouldn't even tell you if he was seriously ill until the day he suddenly dies" Chris was right and that hurt Cody deeply.
"He's better, I think. He takes meds against his emotional troubles but I'm not sure it's wise. I don't know I have a bad feeling" Cody explained.
"The problems with meds are that everyone reacts differently. Some people feel better, some people aren't able to feel anymore and some people start to hate their situation so much they stop to take them and they stop to accept help" Chris read about it after he realized what he did to Randy years ago.
"Please option one" Cody begged but he felt that it would be too easy and Randy's life was never easy.
"Option one" Chris tried to sound serious but he wasn't sure at all.
"Do you want to come over for dinner? Randy would be happy" it was hard for Cody to ask but Chris was a friend of Randy.
"I would like that" Chris smiled.
"You don't love him anymore, do you?" Cody had to make sure.
"No I'm in a happy relationship and I love Randy like a brother but not like a lover" Chris was honest.
"Great" Cody beamed "I'll cook"
"You can cook?" Chris frowned; Cody didn't look like someone who's able to turn on a stove.
"Randy taught me a few skills" Cody smiled at the memory.
"Okay" Chris didn't seem convinced.
"You'll see it will be great. Randy loves my cooking" his smiled was so broad that Chris was thankful Randy had him in his life.
"We will see" Chris replied cheekily.
"Yeah, I…" Cody stopped midsentence.
"Cody?" Chris frowned.
"Was that Swagger's voice?" he ran to the door, opened it and almost collided with Jack. Swagger's eyes widened in surprise "Rhodes" he said cheerful "I thought you quit"
Swagger hadn't any information about the last weeks. No one told him anything, not even Ted. He was surprised to see a wedding band on Cody's finger "Who's the lucky guy?" he pointed at the ring.
Chris grabbed Cody before he jumped at Jack "Wow, kid calm down" Swagger raised his hands in surrender.
"You damn…" he struggled against Chris's grip but the other man held him tight "You set us up. You almost destroyed our lives and what for? Sex? You assaulted him to satisfy your own needs but did you ever think about him? Huh? You hurt him and I'll never forgive you"
"You figured it out, I'm impressed. You're not as stupid as I thought" Swagger grinned.
"He told me everything you did to him" Cody hissed "You'll pay"
"Oh I see, little Randy told you about our little encounter" Swagger said in a sing sang voice "What did he do? Did he run into your arms? Crying like a baby?"
Chris had enough and let go of Cody, only to punch Jack himself "Bastard" he cursed. Cody blinked, he needed time to realize what just happened "You could have told me you wanted the first hit" Cody grinned.
"Was funnier that way" Chris shrugged while he glared at Jack "Stay away from him or the police will never find your corps" he added.
Cody stepped closer "We are still together and we will marry soon. Your plan wasn't successful and I make sure it stays that way. Randy is mine and mine alone"
Swagger narrowed his eyes, he hated the way they threatened him and he hated the fact that Randy couldn't keep his mouth shut "I had my fun. You can keep him if you want to" he would make Randy pay.
"We keep an eye on you" Matt hissed, he had watched from afar because he wasn't sure what he would do when he got Swagger into his hands.
"Hardy" Jack smiled "What are you talking about man?"
"We know what you did and we won't tolerate it. You should watch over your shoulder wherever you go" Jeff appeared behind his brother.
"Oh I'm scared" he said sarcastically.
"You should" Cody grinned "We mean what we say. To hell with the law"
Swagger was worried and decided to quit his game, for now "Okay guys. I stay away from little Randy. You won" he tried to sound as honest as he could.
"Go" Chris pushed him away, not believing a word he said.
"We have to be careful" Matt looked seriously worried, Jeff took his hand "Don't worry. Randy is safe with us and especially with Cody around. I don't want to know how it is when you piss Cody off"
"Creepier than Kane in 'See no evil'" Chris shuddered.
"I like the movie" Jeff beamed "He was good; I almost pitied the character he played"
"Uhm, yeah" Matt patted Jeff's head "I liked it, too… Any ideas how we protect Randy?"
"No idea" Chris shook his head.
"I take him with me, everywhere I go" Cody suggested.
"I don't think he'll like that" Matt remembered the time he broke up with Chris. Randy didn't say anything but Matt knew he was pissed.
"We could follow him around" Jeff said.
"He knows the trick" Matt sighed.
"I want him to stay close to us. He has to follow me or spend his time with one of you guys" Cody decided.
"Good luck" Matt rubbed his forehead.
"I want to go home" Cody was nervous since he left the house and he couldn't get rid of the feeling.
"Sorry man but you arrived one hour ago, there are six hours left today" Jeff studied his watch, it would be a long day, he sighed inwardly.
Cody was a nervous wreck; they tried to cheer him up all day but without success. Cody's own friends were pissed because he avoided them and spent time with Randy's friends instead, they didn't know the importance of their talk so they decided to get their friend back.
"I don't understand why you spend so much time with them. You don't like them and they don't love you either" Mysterio appeared behind him as he changed his clothes.
"I do like them" Cody didn't turn around.
"Since when?" the other man huffed.
"I learned to like them and I hated them for the wrong reason" Cody wasn't in the mood to have discussion. It was time to go home and no one could stop him. He grabbed his bag and walked to the door "Cody" Mysterio grabbed his arm.
"I have to go home" Cody jerked his arm away and left.
Mysterio was shocked, what the hell happened? He thought. He thought about it for a while and left with the intention to talk with his friends about the matter. Something was wrong with Cody and he had every intention to figure out what was wrong with him.