Innocent Winter Encounter III: Stay the Night

January 31, 2017 a.t.b., 2243 hours

Fuyuki Central Park, Fuyuki City, Area 11

As I walk over, I can see more of her expression.

She seems a bit sad. A little happiness appears when I come closer, but this time, her eyes don't match her smile.

"Hey, cheer up." Her hat feels just as soft as it did last time.

"Hi, Onii-chan."

Illya looks up at me. It's obvious that there's something underneath the happy face she's showing me.

"…" I tousle her hair under her hat. "What's wrong, Illya?"

She pouts. "Nothing's wrong. You need some manners, Shirou. When a lady smiles, a man should complement her. And you shouldn't mess up my hair."

She fixes her hat with a frown, then a laugh.

For a moment, I can believe her. "Okay, ojou-sama. Your smile is really pretty. But there's more to reading a lady than that."

I bend down and stare into her eyes. "Your eyes are saying something different."

Ugh. Talking like Lelouch leaves a foul taste in my mouth. I think she noticed, because a real smile appears. "Have you been taking lessons from Onii-sama?"

"Eh, maybe." I shrug helplessly. "Don't avoid the question, though."

"… Mm, okay. I was-"

She fidgets. I don't know why, but she's nervous.

"I was thinking about what you said last night. You said you would tell me, so— I wanted to ask you about it."

…

To be honest, I was thinking about that question in the park.

Maybe I should have thought about it a little more, if Illya was going to be here today.

But I think I can tell her about it now.

I sigh. It really can't be helped-

The park was dark and desolate, and the snow caught yellow on the lamps. But, in the distance …

There were two figures, one tall, one small, playing together.

"Of course, that obstinate fool would find a little girl to talk with."

Lelouch sighed. I suppose I should let them be. This is their moment together- and who am I to interrupt if Shirou has found a little sister?

So he was content to lean against a lamppost and watch from a distance.

My breath catches against the falling snow, a small, white puff in this strangely relaxed atmosphere.

"It's a hard thing to talk about."

… It's not something I talk about.

The first time I told someone about this wasn't easy, and I have a feeling that this time might be the same.

Talking about that place, the people who died- that's already hard enough.

To explain what happened to me- that's going to be painful.

…

But I owe this to Illya. So, even if I stumble headlong into this, Illya will know why I caused her to cry.

It seems like the wind sighed with me, because a flurry of snow and wind moves the trees.

"During the war ten years ago, there was a fire here. There's no explanation for it, officially- I don't think even the Britannians know much about it."

I point, further down, where a lamppost stood. "I was over there. My parents were in the house with me when the fire started, so I don't really remember what happened to them."

"Oh …"

Illya looks sad. She's looking at me, and I can see an understanding beyond her age in her eyes. For some reason, she starts walking down the direction I pointed in.

I follow, and we stand under the lone light.

Staring at the snowfall, the black sky, and the waving field- it's peaceful.

I wish this peace could last forever.

I wish I could share this peace- and I am, with Illya.

But this place- in one instant, it was not a peaceful place.

Their memories are still here.

So- I can't enjoy this peace.

"I walked through the fire, and I saw people who were suffering. So I knew that I would die in this burning field."

… I speak without realizing it.

Illya gasps. "Uwa- Shirou …"

Why did I say that? I shouldn't have said-

That was-

And then she says something unexpected.

"—What happened in that fire? It did something to you, didn't it."

She's studying me with pity.

…

I have a promise to fulfill, don't I?

I guess she knows that something did affect me deeply.

It can't be helped, but …

I hesitate. It wouldn't be good to describe what I saw. Illya needs to know my ideals, but not what happened to those who are gone-

"You can tell me, Shirou."

She asks me simply, and I know I can't avoid it now. So my reply is clear.

"Yeah, it affected me … People were burning alive. They just died, helplessly."

I can't help but shudder.

"I- I thought it was hell … There were times I couldn't breathe, because of the smoke and heat. There were things that I wish were hallucinations-"

The melting flesh, the smoldering hair and skin, the boiling blood- Those horrors are still imprinted on my memories.

And then I realize- when I was her age, I was in that fire seeing those things. No child should experience that. I shouldn't be sharing this with Illya. If I can protect her innocence, then the truth can be shielded from her.

"I'm sorry, Illya. I don't think it would be good to tell you everything I saw. If you don't want to hear the rest, I'll under-"

"I told you, haven't I? I want to know."

She pauses, and cocks her head to the side.

"… Was it very bad? Is that why?" She's genuinely curious, but she's also reluctant. Her wide, clear eyes say that much.

"Yeah. No child should have seen what happened in that fire. It's not right if I tell you about the terrible things that killed people."

That's right. That's most certainly right, because nobody should die like that.

But- to hide it all from her would be wrong as well.

If I do tell her, though- I think I can give her some hope.

"… But- there were some who died saving others."

"Died … Saving others?"

"Yeah. There were some people who gave up what little they had to help someone else survive. They decided to die for another person."

"Oh- ooh. Is that- is that how you survived?" Somehow, Illya's curious expression is reassuring. I'm filled with a little bit of confidence.

"Eh-? Um, no, not really." And despite what we're talking about, I smile. I can see how Illya could think that.

"I don't know how long I was able to keep going, but I remember collapsing. When I woke up, someone had found me. He saved me from the fire."

"Oh, okay. That's important, I guess." She stops and looks at me inquisitively. "But there's more than just that, right? There's more to the fire that made this important to you."

"—You're right. Just like you said, I could have been saved by someone's sacrifice, or I could have died. I was lucky enough to be saved, but there were a lot of people who weren't."

"Isn't that how it is, Shirou? There isn't any way to change that."

Her wide eyes look strange- like red crystals peering into-

…

||N|||||||o||||||Stop|it|||Stop it|stopitstopitstopit|||

A noise runs through my ears.

-What?

"No, Illya. I can't accept that."

"Eh?"

Illya's surprised at my frankness. I am, too.

"What I had lived through- everyone else should have, too. And if it should have been that way, then there has to be a way for it to happen like that."

That's right.

That's what needs to happen, because people should be saved.

There should be a way to save everyone, and I'll do all I can to find that path, even if I'm alone and helpless.

And if I can save someone- or everyone- like I was, then I'd be happy, I think.

But I need to get to that point, where I can save everyone, so the suffering in that fire would be only a memory.

Still-

"I lived because I was conveniently saved, and I'm able to admit that because I was saved. That's not lost on me. But- if I can save someone else, in the same situation I was in, then- maybe- I can bring that feeling to someone else, the feeling I felt when I was saved."

… The next point is harder.

"And if I can find that way to save someone, then something good would have come from that fire."

I swallow the bitter taste on the edges of my tongue.

"Even if it was a terrible thing, and even if the way is impossible- it's better if anything beneficial came from it, as heartless as that may sound."

I shake my head.

I'm bitter.

Somehow, I think I've become weary of my hope.

'That's ridiculous, Shirou. You couldn't possibly achieve such an ideal.'- is what I've heard for years.

I'm sick of hearing that.

Even if it's egotistical, or selfish, or naïve, it's the right thing to do, and it's the only atonement that I can offer.

… It would have been easier to lie to Illya. But that wouldn't have been the right thing to do.

Illya's quiet, and she's looking at me pensively. There's a tightness to her lips, and she asks me a question:

"Did you ever ask yourself why?"

Huh?

"Why-?"

"Why you were saved? Other people were there, but you were the one saved. Did you ever wonder why it was you?"

Huh. That's a strange question. It seems like an important question to Illya, but it's a strange question.

No, I never asked myself that. Why I was saved?

Was there a reason? There's no need for a reason.

This question is meaningless. It's an odd question, from a child, who doesn't understand-

I shake those thoughts from my head. This is a question I need to face to convince people of my ideal.

But I'm not ready for it. That sort of question needs an answer built over a solid foundation, so I should pass it over for now.

… But how is this fair to Illya?

I promised I'd answer her questions.

"I'm sorry, Illya."

"—Shirou, that was a bad look on your face."

"Yeah, I know. I don't know if I can answer your question."

"… Oh." It's a quiet response, and I feel like I need to explain myself, because Illya is looking at me with a disappointed expression.

"I've never really thought about that. The answer I'd give you wouldn't be the right one, so I don't think I can answer you-"

"Onii-chan. I want to hear what you think about it now."

… What do I think about it, then? Honestly-

"I think searching for a reason is meaningless. It won't change the past, and it won't change that it happened. The only thing that can be done is to save people who will die."

Those are my thoughts. Still-

"That being said … I don't have a reason."

I shake my head. I'm disappointed in myself as well.

"Maybe there isn't a reason that I survived, since there isn't any reason I can give."

… Hm?

She's staring at me again.

"That's not true. Stop it, Onii-chan."

"Illya-?"

"You're trying to protect me, so you're not telling me the truth. You promised to tell me."

But- "I am. This isn't something I thought about, since that's what I lived through-"

"Then you should tell the truth." She crosses her arms. The winter fairy looks a little impatient.

Maybe I should be clearer.

"It was just random chance that I survived. What right would I have-"

"You're lying again. I'm giving you one last chance, Shirou."

There's a genuine frown on her face.

…

I really don't have any other way to put it.

I'll try, one more time.

"There isn't a reason- how could there be, when everyone else died then-."

-Htt!

Ow ow ow. She stamped on my foot-?!

"Oh, you're a liar! I'm telling you to stop it! Stop lying! It's not true- how could that be true!?"

She's upset. She's really upset. There are tears in her eyes, but- I'm completely bewildered.

How did this change so quickly? How could she be on the verge of tears?

Is she saying there's a reason I was saved, over everyone else-?

She wasn't there, so how could she even say that?

"I'm not lying, Illya! I shouldn't be the only one who could have survived, so there shouldn't be a reason at all-"

… She steps away from me. Her little hands are trembling.

"I can see it, that you don't believe that! That's not true- It isn't, it isn't, it isn't!"

She shakes her head in impudent, childish, sorrowful denial.

"I don't know what's wrong with you, but I don't like it! Not one bit! Because-"

Her eyes are wet.

"Because it's making you lie to me!"

My response- it's immediate, and instinctive, because I believe this with all my heart-

"I'm not lying. How am I lying, Illya?"

"Because- because- Ugh, just because, Shirou! I can tell!"

Illya swells up, and opens her mouth- but nothing comes out, and it looks like she's struggling to express her thoughts.

"- Shirou isn't living for- There is a reason- Augh-!"

She shuts her mouth and pouts. Her glare is piercing, and her cheeks are puffed up. She's standing stiffly, though, with her arms tight at her sides, like this is something she has to say, because it's important to her.

"Look, if you really, really, really don't have a reason why you- you, Shirou, you!- why you survived- then why-"

She looks away, and then she looks back up to stare directly at me. Her eyes are a little wet. Her expression is harder to read.

"Why would you apologize to them?"

"Wha-?"

That question-

So, she did hear me last night, in this park.

But there's a bad feeling in my gut- that this question will shatter something dear to me, even if I can't place my finger on it.

I don't know why, but that question is dangerous, and the answer is even more dangerous. Yeah, so my answer shouldn't address what Illya said-

"… If you don't think that there was a reason you survived, why would you want to- to tell them you regret that they weren't saved? Shouldn't- shouldn't that guilt have a reason, Shirou?"

She's waiting expectantly for my answer.

I'm a coward, aren't I.

… Maybe I am.

"Maybe … Maybe it was because- there wasn't a reason for them to die. And it's something greedy of me- like self-satisfaction or something- to want to promise that it won't happen again."

I think that's mostly true. Hopefully, this is satisfactory for Illya-

Um. Illya, your expression is too harsh. Don't bite your lip, either, because then you really look like my little sister.

But she doesn't say anything, and she still has that expectant expression, like she's giving her brother a chance.

So I'll do my best, even if my answer isn't complete.

"It's self-satisfaction, because- I think it's too sad that they all died in that fire. Maybe if someone apologized, it would be better."

"Why?"

"That way, they'll be remembered. And that way, there's a promise that something terrible like that will never happen again. That's- that's the least I can do, since they couldn't be saved."

"So it's- um, it's …" She's struggling again, like she can't properly voice her objections. "It's not because you couldn't do anything about it- or something like that?"

"That's not it, Illya."

"Uwa-"

The speed of my response surprises both of us.

"It's more … someone who could save them should have saved them. But since that person wasn't there, they weren't saved. I don't like that, but that's what happened, so since I survived-"

|||No||||That's not|||||||it|

Ow.

I grind my teeth- something's bothering me, like a porcupine rolling around in my skull. I need to bear it, though, because Illya's watching me earnestly.

"-since I was the only one left, I should keep their deaths in mind. I'm the only one able to. And when I say that seeking out why- why it was me who survived- is meaningless, it's because of that."

I nod. That sounds right.

"You're right, Illya. I guess there was some reason I survived, and that's the real reason."

"… I don't think that's right, Shirou, but you don't seem to know the answer. I'll let it slide."

Oh. I guess that's fine, too. Illya's uncertain, too.

She crosses her arms, and she still looks sad. "Something's still wrong with you, though."

"Huh, yeah. But that doesn't change anything- because I'll still try to keep people safe. Even despite what happened here, and what happened to me- I'll still try, no matter what."

That's right. That feels right, to say to a child like Illya.

"Shirou …"

She wipes her eyes with her sleeve.

"That's- that's a really good ideal."

She's trying to look happier, but something's still on her mind, and it's really bothering her.

"But you saw for yourself that nobody was saved. Um- why do you still believe that everyone can be saved?"

Her head cocks to the side inquisitively, even despite the weight of her question. But it's not a bad question, and …

"Oh. Well … that's a happier story, I guess."

It really is. Maybe this will cheer up Illya. It already helped me escape my thoughts about- then.

Well, maybe not. But I need to put on a brave face, for Illya's sake.

"There was a man who saved me, and that man became my father after the fire. He told me-"

That he was a sorcerer.

"-that he was able to save people. For a child like me then, that was amazing. It may have been childish, but it was a hope I could hold on to. That sort of hope is good, isn't it?"

"… I suppose so."

That's a skeptical response, which is worrisome. But it's a fair response.

"I guess it is a little silly. It had a lot of meaning to me, and it still does. He convinced me that there's a chance to save somebody's life, and if there's a chance for one, then there has to be a chance for many."

The snow captures my melancholy.

It falls and swirls about, and …

It reminds me how alone I was then, and how relieved I was to find out I was going to live with someone.

"For those I couldn't save and for the things I couldn't do, I admired a superhero who could save someone."

I grimace, though. There's something that rings hollow.

Because- for whom the bell tolls, it tolls within me.

I am hollow.

To believe what I believe, I had to keep moving forward with an empty mind. The people I didn't save taught me that I had to go on.

What was lost within all that?

"But to be honest, Illya, I just thought about going forward in place of all the people that died. And in order to survive, I had to surrender my memories- and adopt something to hold me up."

I couldn't think of anything else.

I sealed any memories before that so that I would never think about them: people kinder than anyone else, memories of those who were my parents.

So as not to recall them and go back …

I sealed them tight, thinking I was already dead.

It wasn't painful.

"To be adopted by someone like him, that made me happy. He taught me that it's possible to hold onto such an impossible, ridiculous ideal. I could move forward."

So-

"So you never thought it was a mistake to forget, Shirou?"

"Of course I do. What he taught doesn't change the fact they died. So-"

So they should be remembered.

"So they should be remembered, for as long as I can bear it. And I can carry that weight, both for their memories and for that ideal, for as long as I can."

And … that's all.

That is all I can explain.

I'm relieved.

"Heh. Now you know what defines me. Lelouch keeps pointing out how foolish it is."

"It is foolish, Shirou. You can't save everyone, even if you want to."

She's smiling sadly.

"But- I'm happy that you told me this. I have a strange Onii-chan."

"Yeah, I guess you do." Then, I notice her gaze. "There's something else, right?"

"Um … yeah." Her foot makes a trough in the dusting of snow as she fidgets. "This man … what- what is he-"

Then, she stops, and shakes her head.

"It's nothing, Shirou."

"Huh?"

That's odd. She seemed like she really wanted to ask this question- but now she's holding herself back.

"Illya, if you want to ask me anything, you can. I burdened you with my dreams, so I should be able to answer any questions you have. If it's about-"

But she shakes her head, her silver-white hair catching snow.

"It's not about him. It's-"

She looks down, then up at me, then down again.

"Can- Can I really ask you anything?"

"Yeah."

I say this without any hesitation. Of course she can, she earned the right to after hearing my past. And since I'm her Onii-chan, I should accommodate her request.

"…"

Though even after she said that, she's still fidgeting- like she wants something she's not supposed to have, like a younger sister who was caught looking around her older brother's room out of pure curiosity-

Oh.

"Illya."

She looks up quickly, her eyes meeting mine. "Ah, um, sorry-"

"Do you want to visit my home?"

Her eyes widen, and her expression brightens. It seems that the invitation delighted her-

But then she looks away again.

… It still seems like she's uncomfortable.

Maybe I shouldn't have pushed her too hard. It might be best to let her respond.

So I wait in the snow for Illya's response.

Shirou invited me to his home.

I want to visit Onii-chan's home.

But if I visit his home …

I think something bad will happen, and it'll be because of me.

… But he's not a Master yet. And he said I could ask anything I want.

I can't, though. Because-

Because if he summons it, I'll have to fight him.

And if I fight him there, there'll be nothing left of his home.

I don't want that.

"No, Shirou. Not right now."

"Ah-"

I'm a little surprised. It's not an outright denial, since Illya's face still shows some longing, but it's earnest.

I think she saw the surprise on my face, because she's a little flustered.

"I- I want to, but it's not a good time. I want to go when it's nice, and it's daytime, so I can see everything."

"Oh. Then we can go a different day."

"Mm."

She looks up at me, happy at the thought.

"I do have a different request. I'd like my Onii-chan to escort me somewhere."

"Oh, okay. I can do that, too. Where do you want to go?"

"The docks. I have to do something important there."

"Oh, the port? That's pretty far. I'll take you there, but … well, isn't it a long way back?" I guess it's fine, though. "Well, it's not like I have anything else to do. We can talk along the way."

"Yep. That would be good, Shirou. There's something important that I …" She pauses, just for a little bit. "… That I want to talk about."

And she glances away, just for a little bit.

I don't let her hesitation get the better of her. My first step crunches softly into the smooth powder.

"I see. Yeah, we can go. It's a better place to talk than standing out here." And I look up, at the black sky filled with falling white stars.

There's a small embrace around my arm again.