I had to write this because things were getting too awkward between them, and although I'm trying my best not to rush the story between them - there's so much *ahem* tension you can place between these two before they cut to the chase. Hope you guys like this chapter, and thank you again for all your reviews I'm loving them! Keep 'em coming!
Life with the grounders was never peaceful, there was always some argument going on, some injuries that needed to be dealt with and yet Clarke did find her current stay with the grounders somewhat restful. At least compared to the events that had gone on in the last couple of months, arguments and injuries were something she could deal with.
That also meant that she could get back to her drawing, something she missed dearly. She had asked Lexa if there was any way she could get supplies from somewhere to which Lexa almost immediately got her something to draw with. It served as a big distraction for Clarke so that she wouldn't have to constantly be taunted with her horribly pessimistic thoughts.
Drawing was her way of calming herself, it was as if the whole world around her blurred out of focus. All she could really focus on was what she was drawing, besides that – nothing else mattered. She could think about nothing but what she was drawing and that was exactly what she needed. Now that she could finally draw something she was stuck to her desk almost all day, constantly drawing her way through her day, thankfully there were no massive casualties that Nyko couldn't handle today.
Without any thought at all, Clarke noticed that she was drawing the old drop ship which the 100 had previously stayed in, before the rest of the ark came. She did miss it, especially since there were far many more left of them at that time then there were now. They weren't the 100 anymore, now they were shattered pieces spread widely on the vast ground and she was the most broken one of them all. Drawing it let the nostalgia kick in and as she felt her heart sink she knew that she had to stop what she was doing and take a break.
She fished through all of the drawings that she had drawn that very day and found one of Lexa that was hidden under piles of paper. She pulled it out carefully and stared at it wistfully, both appreciating what she had drawn and who she had drawn. Admittedly she enjoyed drawing Lexa very much, she had drawn her face from her memory which luckily was quite vivid. She couldn't help but work extra hard on this particular doodle. The way each stroke of her pencil combined together to form Lexa's delicate yet firm face amazed her, especially as it felt like she was staring at her right in the face.
"Did you draw that?" A voice resonated behind her.
Clarke jumped up in surprise to see Lexa standing behind her looking at the drawing, "Could you not do that?"
"Do what?" Lexa asked quickly.
"Creep up behind me like that." Clarke replied whilst placing the drawing under the pile of papers in front of her quickly, but Lexa almost immediately took the drawing back and pulled it away from her.
"Give it back!" Clarke said as she tried to grab the brittle piece of paper from Lexa's strong and flexible arms.
Lexa stood on her tiptoes and looked at the drawing in admiration, "How is it that you are able to draw my face so vividly?" She slowly gave Clarke back the piece of paper.
Clarke shrugged and put it away with the rest of her drawings, determined to hide it there for as long as she could possibly leave it there.
"Why did you draw me?" Lexa asked quickly.
She looked at Clarke expecting an answer to which Clarke looked away and casually pretended to sweep the 'dirt' off of her table, "Just as a thank you."
Lexa's face turned into one of wavering doubt, "Are we not past the vexatious 'thank you's' by now?"
"What's the big deal?" Clarke said hurriedly, "I drew you, so what?"
Lexa frowned, "There's no need to be defensive, I was only asking a simple question Clarke. Are you okay?"
"I'm fine." Clarke replied coolly.
"If something is wrong you are permitted to tell me, Clarke." She said firmly, "Is that not what we had agreed? To be open with each other?"
"Which is why I'm not saying anything, because nothing is wrong." Clarke lied trying to avoid Lexa's persistent and badgering questions. "Don't you have somewhere to be?"
"No, I do not." Lexa said with a slightly offended tone, "Why? Do you want me to leave you alone?"
She almost said yes but didn't want to further offend Lexa, so she remained silent and sat down on her chair hoping that Lexa would actually leave her be. Clarke didn't really know why she felt so tense all of a sudden but she couldn't deal with Lexa being in the same room as her right at that moment. Day by day Clarke noticed herself getting rather close to her and she needed to stop being so drawn in to her presence, but she couldn't.
"I don't wish for there to be a constant sense of awkwardness but it seems to be the only thing that has surrounded us for days." Lexa said, "Clarke, I do not wish to be in a relationship with you."
Clarke turned around to face Lexa, "What?"
"Is that not what this constant avoidance has been?" She said forcefully, "We presumably have solved all of our differences and yet you still seem to want to avoid my presence, until the night time were you suddenly wish for my comfort. This is me assuring you that I wish there to be no attachment of any kind between us."
"So you're going back on your 'no emotion' trip?" Clarke replied angrily, "I really thought you were willing to make a change!"
"I was!" Lexa shot back, "But all you do is avoid me! How must one have any conversation with someone who constantly averts from one?"
Clarke remained speechless, she knew Lexa had a point but was too proud to admit it. She was after all the most stubborn of all her family, she would rarely admit that she was wrong. This, however was something different- she couldn't admit it because she didn't want to.
She heard Lexa's footsteps move farer and farer away from her until she realised she couldn't deal with another fight with someone else, especially not her. "Lexa…wait."
Lexa turned towards Clarke with her arms crossed, waiting for an answer staring at Clarke very sternly. "I didn't mean to avoid you, I just don't know what's going on between us and it's just confusing."
"What is going on between us?" Lexa said quickly not looking her directly in the eye.
"You know what I'm talking about." Clarke sighed.
"We kissed- Once." Lexa said as she continued to stare at Clarke, "You told me that you weren't ready to be with anyone and I respected your wishes and left you alone. Why is it that now you must focus on something that is in the past?"
"Because it's not in the past!" Clarke found herself blurting out, "We never talked about it and it's just- awkward between us and I don't know how to handle that! As you can see I've gotten quite horrible at dealing with things."
Lexa closed her eyes and breathed in deeply, "What is it that you are trying to say?"
"I don't know." Clarke said as she let her head fall onto her knees, hiding her face away from Lexa. "I barely know how to put my thoughts into words."
She felt a hand hold hers and lifted her head up to see Lexa sitting right in front of her, "Try." She said, Clarke could see that she was trying her best to me somewhat comforting.
"I am." She replied, "Don't you think about it?"
"I think about many things, Clarke." She frowned, "Of course I think about it, but I try not to let it get in my way of thought. It is clear that you aren't ready for that and maybe too much has happened between us for that to ever be a reality."
Clarke felt a deep pang in her stomach go off and felt her heart sink to the bottom of her soul, as if she had just heard the most devastating news. "Do you think that?"
Lexa looked down at the floor, "I don't know, Clarke. I don't know how to deal with difficult matters such as these, our situation is intensely complicated."
"I need you there with me, Lexa." Clarke said truthfully, letting all her thoughts finally run free, "For some reason the nightmares stop when you're next to me and I don't know what that says about me… or what that says about us, but you're there at night when no one else is and I guess I just become needy and I hate it but there's little I can do about it."
Lexa raised an eyebrow, and seemed to be deep in thought. "Clarke, maybe it's all in your head. You had said yourself that I was ruthless, I left your people to die and I betrayed your trust, nothing about that is appealing. Maybe you're just clinging on to me because I'm someone who reminds you of what happened that night."
"Let's just stop talking about this." Clarke cut Lexa off quickly, determined to leave the topic as far away from conversation as possible.
"This won't solve anything, Clarke." Lexa replied with a hint of annoyance in her tone.
"There's nothing that needs to be solved." She said as she got into bed, "I'm going to sleep."
She however did not receive a reply from Lexa, Clarke turned around to see what Lexa was doing but saw no one there.
She was gone.