A/N This chapter is not beta'd. Le gasp! I know. It's a rule and I'm breaking it. Forgive me, dear ones. My birthday is this weekend and I know I'll be busy and I just wanted to get this to you, because it's been too long as it is. It hasn't even been pre-read, other than by me. Twice. So forgive any errors you may find and remember that it's all for you.

Last chapter: Edward read Bella's letter. He couldn't stay away from her. She ran, he followed. Laurent showed up. Really, you don't need this recap, because we get to see it all through Bella's eyes and a little more, of course.

All recognizable characters and quotes belong to Stephanie Meyer; I'm simply playing around with New Moon.

...

"To be trusted is a greater compliment than being loved."

-George MacDonald

...

The tears seemed endless. I had tried to run straight to my room, but Charlie was having none of it.

"What happened, Bells? Did they do something? Are you alright?" His concern was palpable and any other time I'd find it endearing, if not a little out of character, but my mind was still processing the tangible proof of what I had come to know as the truth.

"No," I sniffled, "I just, I went into Edward's room…and I don't know, it was obvious that he took it really badly when they left. I'm just struggling with it. It's so much to process." I figured half-truths were better than nothing.

"Why would you go into his room?" Charlie grumbled. His anger at Edward had once been almost comforting, but now it simply scratched at the jagged edges of my heart. He didn't understand.

"I don't know, Dad. I – I just had to see, I needed to know…" I didn't have the words to explain it. My stuttering and stumbling angered me and I felt traitorous tears well up in my eyes once again.

"Bella," his sigh was long and suffering, "I understand that you're still dealing with everything, but honey, it's time to let it go." I swallowed thickly at his solemn tone. His words held a note of finality that worried me.

"I can't. Dad, I'm not like every other teenager out there and this isn't your typical high school break up –," I needed him to understand. Not only for my peace of mind, but also for Edward. Just in case. He wouldn't let me finish though.

"I know it wasn't a typical break up, Bells!" His raised voice bounced around the living room. "That son of bitch led you into the woods, broke your heart and then left you there. You could have been hurt, lost…you could have died, Bells."

I blinked in stunned silence for a moment, finally realizing that not once in the past couple of months had I ever corrected his assumption that Edward had lead me deep into the forest that day.

"But he didn't, Charlie." My words were whispered but held more strength than even I expected.

"Of course he did, Bella! I was there. Sam told me where he found you! You were miles from the house!" His eyes, so much like mine, burned in fiery anger.

"I ran after him," I mumbled, letting my eyes drift to the bay window, not really seeing anything outside of it. "He told me that his family was leaving and that it would be best if we let each other go. Those kinds of relationships are hard and rarely ever last. He didn't want that for me. For us." My voice had taken on a monotone timber, the half truths falling easily from my lips. "I refused to listen to him. I knew what we had was so much more…that we could make it through anything, but he didn't. He said it wasn't fair to either of us and asked me to let him go. He begged me to take care of myself, made me promise that I would. Then he kissed my forehead and walked away into the woods." I shuddered at the memory playing in my mind and felt the hot tears making their way down my cheeks. "I stood there, maybe a hundred feet from the house, shell-shocked for what felt like forever, but was probably only five minutes before I realized that I couldn't just let him go, so I ran after him. After a few minutes, I realized that I didn't know which way he went but I was being stubborn, I thought I could find him…I didn't. And then…I knew he was gone and I just couldn't…," My words trailed off and I let my eyes drift back to my father's blank face.

"It wasn't his fault, Charlie."

…

After my confession, and a long awkward silence, I excused myself to my room. I could tell that Charlie was confused, he had been so angry for so long believing one thing only to find out that he was mistaken. I knew that feeling. I understood that it took time to wrap your mind around. So, I went upstairs and let myself cry. Angry tears for his lie. Heart wrenching sobs for our mutual pain and loss. Tears full of fear and anguish for the unknown. I cried until my eyes felt heavy, until my body felt weak with exhaustion. Then I stripped down and buried myself under my blankets, begging sleep to claim me and give me respite from the world.

...

I knew I was dreaming but it all felt so real.

An invisible force held me, not allowing me to move even a fraction of an inch. Somehow I knew that I needed to see whatever played out before me.

The space was dark and cold. A tortured form was curled up on its side in the middle of the space, rocking rapidly. It couldn't have been soothing.

My heart broke at the vision before me.

"I'm a monster."

No, I thought. No, you're not.

"I deserve nothing but darkness. Nothing but pain."

God, no. You deserve happiness and light and love, I screamed in my mind. No one deserves such torture.

"She's light, and air, and love and hope. She deserves better. She deserves more than me."

You don't know that. You can't know that. She deserves you, she deserves what she wants. I felt helpless, wanting to reassure the sobbing mess in front of me, but felt locked in a silent prison.

"She would have figured it out. She would have left. She would have taken the light and everything good away and I'd be left with nothing. I saved us both."

I could do nothing but cry. So broken. He sounded so broken.

The mass rolled to face me and I cried out in pain.

Edward.

His coal back eyes met my own, hollow and dull. No swirling, burning emotion behind them; just quiet defeat and never-ending loneliness.

Oh, God.

Edward.

Soft, warm music drifted around the dark space. Little rays of light and warmth broke through the suffocating darkness.

My lullaby.

I looked to Edward's form, finding him shivering and whimpering. I wanted nothing more than to reach out to him, offer him some form of comfort.

His hand shot out towards me, his eyes showing a spark of life.

"Bella, please. Please don't leave me."

A sob shattered through the space around us and I blinked.

He looked so scared. Terrified really.

"Edward," my voice cracked from lack of use. This was different. He was kneeling and it wasn't so dark anymore. He flinched at the sound of my voice and I blinked once more. I shifted slightly, realization washing over me quickly.

"What are you doing here?" I sounded so angry. I tried to stamp it down, but it licked up and burned through me with a vengeance.

His eyes widened and his lips trembled before he shrugged. This was too much. For both of us. He needed to go.

"Get out."

He hung his head as weary defeat surrounded his form, "Bella, I'm so-," but I couldn't hear it. I didn't want to. Not like this. Hot, pulsating anger swelled in my chest. I was tired of being angry, tired of hurting, but I had nothing else in this moment. I chose to react rather than crumble. I tossed my angry words at him, along with the closest thing to me. A pillow. Yes, that would cause so much damage.

God, he looked so broken. Burning. I couldn't stand it. It was too much. Much, too much. I stumbled across my room, throwing on the closest things I could find. He needed to leave. I needed away. I couldn't handle this. Not right now. Not like this.

"Leave, Edward." I was begging. God, it was so painful. Just go. I can't do this right now, not without hurting us both.

"Please, Bella, you have to understand, my intentions were never meant to be anything but-," I had to stop him. His voice, his heartbreaking eyes, they were too much. It was all too much. Anger pulsated through my veins and I unleashed, tossing unforgiving words with as much venom as I could muster. God, I didn't want to. I just needed out. I needed away.

He struggled and I watched. I could see just how much he wanted to find the words to fix it all. He wanted, so badly, to make it better. I could see it, but it wouldn't happen here. I knew that. We were beyond broken, beyond fragile and they only way to get 'us' back was to break us down before rebuilding us together. To replace the fragile foundation we once had, with something sturdy, infallible and honest. We had to burn to ash, before we could rise again, untouched and whole.

"I don't want you, Edward." Not like this. Not believing the things he did.

"You don't…" Oh, how his tortured eyes speared me. I could see the light in them fade slowly.

"I understand," his words cut so deeply. He was submitting to it, letting me go once again. How could he not see? How could I make him?

"I don't think you do," I whispered, my heart breaking with each word, because he didn't. He really didn't. "I don't want you like this. I want you, all of you." And I did. So much.

I stumbled back through towards the door. I had to go. I had to get away.

"When you decide if you can give me that, come find me. If you can't…there's nothing left for us to talk about." I turned with those words and ran. I didn't want to think about him not being able to do that. I didn't want to think about this being the last time we saw each other. I wanted away. I wanted a place that felt like home. That felt like love and light. I wanted what could be and would be, if he let it happen. I was through the front door and in the cab of my truck before I realized it. My phone vibrated against my hip, having been forgotten in my pocket last night while I struggled with my emotional turmoil.

A text from Alice. Directions to the one spot that gave me hope. The spot where it all began. The spot where it could begin again, if we let it.

Please, Edward, come find me.

…

I struggled through a maze of fallen trees, craters just waiting to break ankles and knotted roots begging to be tripped over. I just wanted to get there. I needed it. It was the only place I could think of that held any hope.

I desperately wanted that hope.

I could make out the opening to the meadow, it was less than a hundred feet away. I wanted to sob in relief. I wanted to scream in agony. Why was everything double edged?

I broke through the trees in sudden sprint. I couldn't wait, not another second, I needed to see it. It had all been real, this I knew, but I needed to see it.

I pulled up short at the visage before me. Dull yellow grass. Crisp, dried leaves. Death, everywhere. No, this wasn't right. It was supposed to be lush and green. Thriving with wildflowers and sunlight and joy and love.

Rationally, my mind knew that it was winter, of course the flowers were long gone. The grass merely resting until spring returned life to it, but my heart, oh, my heart, it crumbled at the sight of this place. The place where my life was changed irrevocably, resembled the destruction of all the choices that had been made. It resembled us, in the here and now. It broke me. It was broken. I wanted to cry, but no tears came. I wanted to scream and rant and rave, but there was nothing. I wanted to fix it, but I didn't and couldn't know how.

Life has an almost funny way of mocking you.

As I surveyed the decimated meadow, a cold tingle ran down my spine. The hairs on the back of my neck stood at attention and my heart stuttered once in my chest.

Something was wrong. Something was very, very wrong.

My eyes snapped to a form stepping out of trees across from me, and I had to swallow back my nerves.

Laurent.

I took a deep breath to calm myself. Laurent had gone to stay in Denali with the Cullens somewhat family. He wanted to learn their ways. It was okay.

But why would my body react this way if everything was okay?

I looked at him, really looked at him, and understood.

Red eyes.

Laurent had fallen off the wagon, it seemed.

I thought it seemed fitting for me to die here, surrounded by the death of mine and Edward's innocence, but I would fight it. I would fight for Edward, with the hope that he would fight for us.

Laurent was talking. Taunting. He knew the Cullens had left. Of course he did, he had been with the Denali coven.

What he didn't know, was that they had returned. I needed to scare him off.

"Left behind?" I asked with an indulgent smile. "Edward should be here any minute, Laurent." I couldn't help narrowing my eyes a little, to give the implied threat a bit more force, all the while begging Edward to come.

Please be close, Edward.

He ignored me, rambling on about something. A plan. Her plan. Victoria? It must be, but he wasn't making much sense. His face twisted into a mask of friendliness, beseeching me to understand that him finding me was much better than the alternative. He was insane.

"Laurent," I barked out, hoping to stall him, "you do remember what happened last time? Edward killed James." I swallowed heavily at the memories. The dark ballet studio. The pain. "He'll kill you too. I'm not sure what you're going on about, but he is coming. I'm surprised he hasn't made it-" a vicious snarl ripped through my words and drowned them out as Edward appeared in front of me. My avenging angel, ready to strike.

"Told you so," I muttered with just a little cockiness ringing in my tone. I could feel my heart racing, the silence around us being broken intermittently by Edward's growls and snarls. I couldn't stop the panic from catching up to me, my heart was racing and my stomach pitched. The silent discussion continued on around me, until Laurent's attention suddenly diverted to me. Edward turned sharply to face me, Laurent ran, Edward turned to chase him.

I couldn't let him go. I begged him to stay. I watched him tense, before letting his shoulders slump. He turned to face me, he looked worried and raised his hands like a criminal who submits to the law. He murmured how he had been trying to avoid things like this by leaving. His eyes were so earnest, they just begged for me to see, to understand. I couldn't though. I argued. How could he not see that we no longer had any control over this? I was a part of his world, just like he was a part of mine. There was no going back now. There was nothing that could be done to change it. It just was. I hung my head, the weight of it all bearing down on me as our phones chimed.

I knew it was coming, and answered hollowly.

"Bella? Oh, thank God." Esme's voice was frantic. "Emmett, Jasper and Rosalie are already on their way after him, darling, we'll keep you safe. You're safe."

My eyes met Edward's as he listened to whoever called him, most likely Alice. He looked so lost, so uncertain but simmering just beyond that was a rage I hadn't seen in so long. Not since Phoenix. Not since James.

"We'll be there shortly," he croaked before ending his call.

"Bella, my sweet girl, we're going to keep you safe. Come home with Edward and we'll figure this out. We're waiting for you both, darling, just come home." Esme's voice was tinged with desperation and I understood. This could have been disastrous.

"Of course," I mumbled in response. "We'll be there soon." Edward started to reach for me before dropping his hands. He shook his head sharply, and then pinched the bridge of his nose.

"God help me, I don't know what to do," he murmured pitifully. His eyes burned me as he fixed me with his pleading gaze. "We need to get back to the house and the quickest way to do so, is to run. I understand if you don't want to, but Bella, it's the safest and quickest way."

My breaths were still choppy and I felt completely out of sorts, but I nodded in acceptance before taking a step forward. I watched in abject fascination as his Adam's apple bobbed harshly, before he turned and crouched to allow me to climb onto his back. I felt the shudders ripple across his spine as we came in contact and had to hold back my own shiver as his hands cupped my legs. After a deep breath from us both, we took off towards the large white house and whatever was waiting for us there.

…

Edward refused to let me down until we were inside the house. Part of me understood why he craved the contact, why he refused to let it go. Another part of me needed him to let go. I couldn't be this close without burying my nose in between his neck and shoulder and breathing in his scent. I wanted to run my hands through his hair. God, how I missed his hair. Instead I bit my lip as hard as I could and kept my eyes screwed shut to fight off the temptation. Once I felt his grip on my legs lessen, I hopped down and backed away several paces.

It was only then that I realized everyone was silent. Alice sat with her head in her hands on the couch, while Carlilse had Esme wrapped in his arms. Edward stood in the middle of the room, his shoulders heaving with his unnecessary rapid breaths. I still felt shaky and out of sorts. None of us had expected this to happen.

"Alice?" I whispered once I found my voice. She groaned, fisting her short locks.

"I don't know. I don't know how I didn't see him. One minute you all were talking and…then all of a sudden Laurent's there and Edward's about to chase after him. I don't know how I didn't see it before." Her words were choked and full of apology. Edward stood rigid and unmoving, whether he was hearing more or not, I didn't know.

"Will they catch him?" Her troubled amber gaze met mine and she nodded.

"I've already called the Denali coven. They were appalled to learn what he was up to and they're waiting for further notice from us, once we decide what we will do." Carlisle's words were softly spoken, but tinged with anger. Glancing at him I could see regret paint his features. I could only imagine he felt responsible for letting Laurent go last spring.

"He'll die by my hands." I shook at the tenor of Edward's voice. Murderous rage inflected upon each word, carrying a promise that would no doubt be fulfilled.

"Edward…" I whispered, unable to infuse any strength into my voice.

"He came for Victoria. He was going to kill you, Bella. He will know no mercy." He did not face me while he spoke, and his body was still frozen in the middle of the room. Alice watched him for several moments, most likely communicating silently, before shooting a glance toward Carlisle and Esme then looking back to me.

"We need to go help the others bring him back. It shouldn't take us very long, but for your safety you should stay here, with Edward. We need to talk to him, to find out what we can about what Victoria has planned. Is that alright, Bella?" The way she asked really left no room for argument, but it felt nice to be asked all the same. I acquiesced with a nod before they stood and made their way toward the door. Each touched Edward's shoulder before hugging me gently and leaving.

I looked down at my hands once the front door closed, picking at my nails to avoid the tension in the room. I couldn't look at Edward. The awkward silence dragged on for several long minutes before a tortured groan filled the room. My eyes snapped up in time to see Edward crumble to the floor, fisting his hair in what had to be a painful grip. He rocked, back and forth, at a pace that was too fast to be soothing.

I gasped. My dream whirled around in my mind, as I took a step in his direction.

"Don't," he rasped. "I deserve this, Bella."

My hand flew to my mouth stifling my angry cry in response.

"I always knew you were too good for me. How could you not be? You're everything good in this world. It was only a matter of time before you realized it, as well." He choked on a sob and I had to wrap my free arm around my middle to keep from falling apart myself. "I'm the worst kind of monster. I took something so good and pure and twisted it into something dark and deceitful. Me saying you were no good for me was the blackest of blasphemies. You know I lied. My family knows I lied. But what I didn't want to admit to, what I never wanted anyone to know, is that I lied to myself."

I sank to my knees behind him, wrapping both arms around myself knowing that whatever came after this would shake the foundation of everything I held dear.

"I told myself I left to protect you. To keep you safe from the darkness of my world, from the monsters like me. And I did, in part. But I also left because I knew you'd wake up one day and see me as that monster and I couldn't bear it." Tearless sobs stifled him momentarily and he yanked his hair in frustration several times before continuing. "I was so sure it would happen after your birthday. I thought you were in shock, you were still processing things. Surely you'd wake up and tell me that you were disgusted with me; with my family. I started distancing myself, scared that any moment might be that moment. I was trying to protect myself from the inevitable outcome." He swallowed thickly before curling up, just like he had been in my dream.

"I left to protect us both. You from me and my world. And me…from the look in your eye when you finally realized you couldn't love a monster like me." The words were whispered and broken, but I heard each and every one of them.

He was terrified. The all knowing vampire that I couldn't outrun, couldn't fight off –was terrified of me.

Well, losing me.

He thought I wouldn't want him, once I realized who he truly was. He thought I'd break him.

So he did it first.

He loved me. He lied to me. And he did it because he didn't think I loved him, all of him. He was still waiting for the other shoe to drop.

How many times had I told him I loved him? How many times had I argued against his claims to be a monster? How many times had I assured him that I wanted nothing more than forever with him? How could he not believe me?

I ran through every memory I had of him with new eyes.

The meadow. I could see his fear as he admitted to his feelings, lurking beneath the happy glow in his eyes.

The hospital in Phoenix. The grief and self-flagellation because he worried that this would be it, he hadn't been able to keep me safe, so this would have to be the moment I ran.

The prom. Me begging him to change me, let me keep him forever. The doubt and sadness that clouded his eyes was about more than just the loss of my humanity, he didn't believe I'd want him that long.

The summer and his restraint. I'd thought he didn't want me, that I wasn't good enough, but he saw it in reverse. He didn't think he was good enough, that I couldn't want him, all of him. He didn't think I loved him the same way he loved me.

Conversations from long ago whispered through my mind, and I knew. I knew without a shadow of a doubt that I was right.

"What if I'm not a superhero? What if I'm the bad guy?"

He had wanted me to see it then, for me to run away while I still had a chance.

"You don't care if I'm a monster? If I'm not human?"

I never had, but he never understood that.

"Do you truly believe that you care more for me than I do for you?"

I did. I still did. Wasn't that part of our problem?

"If leaving is the right thing to do, then I'll hurt myself to keep from hurting you, to keep you safe."

I had argued with him, asked him if he didn't think I'd do the same.

"You'd never have to make the choice."

I let the tears fall freely, while I watched him fall apart. We never fully trusted each other. We loved each other, more than life itself, but in the end we were both just waiting for that love to be rejected. God, how could we have been so blind? I crawled towards him slowly, stopping a small space away. My hand shook violently as I raised it, before I ran my fingers through his hair. His rocking stopped, but the most heart-wrenching sound escaped his chest at my touch. It took every ounce of strength I had not to cry out in response.

I leaned down, knowing it was pointless and he could hear me anyway, but I felt he needed the closeness in this moment. He needed to feel the truth of my words. We had to start somewhere.

"I love you, Edward Cullen. I love the wonderful things about you like the way you laugh at Emmett's stupid jokes, and how you make the most beautiful music I've ever heard. I love the dark parts of you too, the monster you're so sure that you are, and the existence you're stubbornly set on enduring alone." One solitary tear dropped from my cheek to the shell of his ear, as I pulled back away from him and he flinched. I wasn't sure if it was in response to my pain, or the distance.

"You said it yourself, Edward. My number was up the day you met me, you just have to find the truth in those words yourself. I don't know what else I can do to show you that you have my heart, but I know I can never get it back and we're going to have to figure something out, because neither of us is going to make it if we can't trust each other. It'll kill us both."

We both shivered as my words echoed around us, almost as if fate were promising exactly that.

Question. I'm a canon girl, but I have conflicting feelings about Renesmee. Do you like the nudger or would you rather vamp spunk not carry mutant DNA?

Just wondering. Hope it was okay. Thank you for taking the time to read, especially when I'm so fail at review replies and updates. I can't tell you how much your support means to me. Without all of you, I would never write another word. Well, fanfiction wise.

x3

OBL