Chapter 10: Hua Rong Yan, or the Study of the All-Too-Confusing Love-Triangle of Rong Qin Wang and His Wives

That night, Xiao Yan Zi burst rather unceremoniously into Zi Wei and Er Kang's bedroom.

Er Kang sprang up from his seat where he had just sat down to take off his shoes.

"Good Heaven, Xiao Yan Zi, do you not knock?" he asked irritably.

Xiao Yan Zi ignored his comment and just said, "Go away, Er Kang. I need to speak to Zi Wei."

"Excuse me? This is my bedroom, in my house!" Er Kang said indignantly.

"Please?"

Er Kang sighed and shook his head, but didn't say any more and just left them alone.

Zi Wei laughed as soon as he was out of sight, though they could still hear him grumbling down the hall.

"Really, Xiao Yan Zi, you could have walked in on something."

"If I did then I should be happy for you."

"What?"

"That after all these years there's still something for me to walk in on." Xiao Yan Zi smirked as Zi Wei blushed.

"And you?" Zi Wei shot back. "Would there be something for me to walk in on if I were to burst into your bedroom in the middle of the night?"

It was Xiao Yan Zi's turn to blush, even redder than Zi Wei.

"It's hardly the middle of the night, Zi Wei," she mumbled.

"And you're avoiding the question," Zi Wei chuckled.

Xiao Yan Zi sniffed and turned up her nose, saying loftily, "You want to know what I do with your brother in the bedroom in the middle of the night?"

Zi Wei laughed. "All right, point taken. But you didn't come in here to discuss our night lives, Xiao Yan Zi. What about Zhi Hua do you want to talk about?"

"What makes you think I want to talk about Zhi Hua?"

"No?" Zi Wei looked at her friend challengingly.

Xiao Yan Zi sighed. "Fine. All right. Do you honestly don't think she loves Yong Qi?"

"And you do?"

"Yes."

Zi Wei sighed. She was quiet for a moment, before pulling Xiao Yan Zi to sit down on the bed with her.

"Look, Xiao Yan Zi, I've observed Zhi Hua through all these years, and I've had a lot of time to think about her and Yong Qi and you, with a clearer mind now than when we were caught up in a confusion of secrets. Yong Qi never made a secret of why he married her; she knew the only reason he agreed was to save Xiao Jian's life. But she married him anyway. Why? Back then, I really thought it was out of kindness, but really, who could be so selfless as to throw their life into misery for a perfect stranger? She practically told me then that it was Lao Fo Ye's promise of her becoming Empress that persuaded her. She let herself become the bargaining device for Xiao Jian's life. Do you really think Lao Fo Ye would have made her marry Yong Qi if she, herself, said no?"

If truth be told, the circumstances surrounding Yong Qi and Zhi Hua's marriage was something that Xiao Yan Zi had always tried to deny and push out of her mind, so she never considered what Zhi Hua's true motive was in marrying Yong Qi. The idea that another woman wanted her husband was bad enough, she never wanted to torture herself was the why as well.

"No," Xiao Yan Zi sighed. "But why should she have said no? There was nothing wrong with him. She apparently thought she could make him love her."

"Exactly! That very shows how very little she understood him. She hardly knew anything about him, as a person, Xiao Yan Zi, and I think she still doesn't know much more about him now. If she did, she'd understand why she never gained his love, why he loves you so much, why he left. He loves you because you were different from all the women at court, because you brought joy into his life, because you made him realise that there was more to life than just the wealth and luxury he grew up with. But you didn't make him treasure these things, Xiao Yan Zi. You only made him realise they exist and he comes to treasure them because that's what he, himself, wants in his life. He loves your difference not for the sake of your being different, but because he values all the different values from what is demonstrated in court. What he loves in you stems from who he is and what he values, and you just happen to have those qualities. Even without you, even if he married her under better circumstances, I don't think he would love her much better, because they have such different values in life."

"But they do have a lot in common - they were brought up in the same way, with the same kind education. She could appreciate all his talents - "

Deep down, Xiao Yan Zi always knew this was the root of all her insecurity around Zhi Hua, of all her jealousy. She always knew that whatever it was about her that attracted Xiao Yan Zi, it wasn't her literary prowess, whereas she was always aware of and admired his talents and knowledge, even if she never understood much of it. Still, she could appreciate that he was indeed more intelligent and talented than the average person and faced with Zhi Hua, who was equally so (she grudgingly admitted), how could she not feel so small? How could she help wondering why he wouldn't want a wife who actually understood everything he said to her without misinterpreting every four-word phrase that came her way?

"Yes, and on one level, those things are a small part of him," Zi Wei said, "but a bigger part of him longs for, not someone who can sit and philosophise with him, but someone who can offer him friendship and love, unconditionally. Why did you like him so much in the first place? What made you trust him with your secret?"

The answer was so simple that it came to Xiao Yan Zi's lips without her having to even think about it. "Because he was so kind. He suspected that I wasn't his sister, wasn't Huang Ah Ma's daughter and he could have reported me, but he tried to get the story from me first. And when he knew, he still protected me, covered up for me, as dangerous as it was. I wasn't anything to him, but he helped me."

"You didn't think about his title, his upbringing, did you?"

"Well, no. But then, I didn't think they mattered. I only realised how far apart we were when Lao Fo Ye came back and made it clear that he was too far away from me."

"Exactly! Yong Qi wanted that: someone who could love him with or without his title. If he had been a commoner on the streets and you met him and he was equally kind to you, you would still like him, and with enough time and getting to know him, you would still love him, would you not?"

"Yes."

"Do you honestly think Zhi Hua would give Yong Qi a second thought if he wasn't a prince, or at least, high-born?"

"Well - " Xiao Yan Zi hesitated.

"I don't think what Zhi Hua calls her love for Yong Qi is unconditional. Take right now, Yong Qi no longer has his titles. No matter what he was born to, he had given it all up and can never take it all back again. Zhi Hua cannot accept that. She still holds on to the prince that she married. I think she loves…she loves all the wrong parts of him. Or, rather, she never loved him, but she loves an expectation of a person she thought he was. She expected him to embrace his chance at the throne, she expected him to be the prince that she thinks princes should be. She had an image of a prince that she would like him to be."

"It wasn't just her," Xiao Yan Zi pointed out. "Everyone expected of him what she expected."

"Yes, and perhaps he should be that prince, for his own sake, if he was to succeed to the throne. But he is not, and never was that prince to begin with. He would not become that prince just because she, or anyone else, wishes it so. I still think Yong Qi's character and personality would make him a good Emperor, but I do realise, and Huang Ah Ma does as well, as Zhi Hua doesn't realise, that he'd be so miserable with it because he never looked for it. But if Zhi Hua realised that he never wanted the throne and would give it up if he could, she would never had married him. Whatever she loved about him, she had an agenda to become Empress in marrying him. To be fair, considering the life she was brought up in, that agenda is logical and isn't a sin. She expected him to have the same agenda with her, because it's logical to her, but he doesn't, I don't think he ever really had. I'm sure he grew up knowing the expectations people have of him, but he never actively sought the throne. When she realised that he doesn't have the same plans as she does, she thinks it's because of you. It gives her someone to blame, she probably felt more comfortable blaming you than blaming Yong Qi's lack of enthusiasm for the throne. But even without you, I don't think Yong Qi would be any more eager for the throne. Of course, without meeting you, he wouldn't see the world outside through your eyes and perhaps he might have an easier time accepting the throne, but he would never be like the other princes who will fight to death for it."

"How do you know that?"

"From Er Kang and Er Tai. You didn't change him that much, Xiao Yan Zi, you just brought out the best in him. Or worse…depending on one's perspective, I suppose."

"So from all this, you conclude she doesn't love him?" Xiao Yan Zi said slowly.

"She loves - whatever she loves, it's not him, either the prince or the person. Yong Qi was never a normal prince because he never wanted the things that princes want, nor was he ever a normal person, because he was born a prince. She loves a figment of her imagination that she wishes to be him."

"Let's forget what, or who, she loves right now," Xiao Yan Zi said. "You cannot deny that she does love, even if it is only an illusion of him. She does believe that she loves him."

"Yes," Zi Wei said sadly. "She believes it so much that all these years she can't let go of him to make a life for herself. The truth is, even if she loved him, for himself, he does not love her. He never had. Her tragedy is in not loving, Xiao Yan Zi. It is in marrying him when she knew he did not love her."

"Lots of people marry without love."

"Not the way she married him. Not for the reasons he married her."

"Would it necessarily be better if she hadn't married him?"

"Yes!" Zi Wei exclaimed. "Let's just assume that she loves him now, but do you really think she loved him when she married him?"

"I - I don't know."

"She didn't know anything about him then. Even she cannot claim to love him after a four-month acquaintance and about two brief conversations. For whatever reasons she married him, she knew that he did not love her, though perhaps she thought she could make him, later on. She probably also believed that she would grow to love him, because there was really nothing wrong with him, as you said. And because of that belief, she did convince herself that she loved him, later on. But at the moment of their marriage, Xiao Yan Zi, I don't think she could truthfully say she loved him."

"So, what's your point?"

"My point is, for her, it was marriage, then love. If she had not married Yong Qi, if she had married someone else, her chances of moving from marriage to love would probably be just as good, probably better because if she had married someone else, she would have had better chance of her love being returned."

They were quiet for a moment, both lost in their thoughts. Then Zi Wei spoke again.

"Honestly, Xiao Yan Zi, I don't think you should feel threatened by her now."

"I don't...exactly."

Zi Wei reached over and took her hand.

"Really, Xiao Yan Zi. Just because they took part in a ceremony two decades ago doesn't mean they have a marriage, an understanding, a relationship as you and Yong Qi do. They haven't seen each other in seventeen years. Even if she knew who he really was seventeen years ago, she would only be holding onto that image of him now and it would be an outdated one. But she never truly understood him all those years ago, and she is not about to now. If she understood, she'd realise that no matter how, no matter why, no matter how illogical it was to her, the truth was and is that you are part of him, a part that came together with him through everything that you've been through together. No matter how charming, beautiful, talented she was, she could never take those things away from him and from you. If she realised that she would never had married him, not unless she was prepared to accept that he would never love her, which she was not, as she tried to take him away from you. So can you really love someone truly for who they are if you don't even understand who they are in the first place?"

"I suppose not. But it's not really her fault that she can't understand. How could she understand when she never felt it?"

"I'm not saying it is her fault and I do agree with you on that. She was brought up to trust a certain line of logic and she had held on to that steadfast all these years, and it justifies her feelings and expectations for him, and hinders her understand of his true feelings. She was very young. She made a foolish, naïve decision based on logic that, in any other situation, would make sense, but didn't make sense with our situation and feelings. It's not really a matter of fault. Neither you nor Yong Qi could help your feelings nor can she help how she was raised, which ultimately affects her feelings."

"Her life is very sad."

"Yes," Zi Wei sighed heavily. "But she is not the first in the palace to suffer so and will not be the last. Our happiness is the rare thing, you know. It all hinged on her decision to marry him all those years ago. We perhaps can't blame her for making the decision but it was her decision nevertheless. If she was to blame Yong Qi for loving you, she might as well blame herself for loving him. Or for believing that she loves him, as I don't think she loves him. Not the way we love."

Xiao Yan Zi looked curiously at Zi Wei.

"You've thought a lot about this - about us. You should write a book about it, since you certainly understand more than I do."

Zi Wei laughed. "Huang Ah Ma told me once that our story was probably intriguing enough to be written into a book. As for me, well, without you, I have to say life is a little less exciting. Aside from the children and visiting various female family members, listening to palace gossip, I don't exactly have much to do. I missed you. But I usually can't think of you without thinking of them."

"I missed you too. Let's stay up and talk tonight, like the old days."

"Wouldn't Yong Qi be expecting you back?"

"No, I'm sure Er Kang's gone to tell him I'm here and if they know us, and they better do, after all these years, they'll leave us alone."

They both laughed.

Zi Wei smiled conspiringly. "So, this book I'm writing, what should it be called?"

"Hua Rong Yan, or the Study of the All-Too-Confusing Love-Triangle of Rong Qin Wang and His Wives."

They both burst out in giggles.

Er Kang had half-expected Xiao Yan Zi to show up to talk to Zi Wei that night, so he wasn't overly surprised when she burst in and wasn't entirely unprepared to leave. Still that didn't mean he had to show that he appreciated being ordered out of his own room. He made his way to Yong Qi and Xiao Yan Zi's room.

"Your wife had just burst into my room and ordered me out because she needed to talk to my wife," Er Kang told Yong Qi ask he walked into the room.

Yong Qi looked up, chuckling. "Really? Somehow I don't think either of us will see much of our wives tonight then."

"No. Honestly, I'm starting to have second thoughts about you two being here," Er Kang teased.

"Oh?"

"Well, now that Xiao Yan Zi is here, I have to share my wife with her."

Yong Qi raised his eyebrow. "And you don't do that usually anyway, with your children?"

"Not at night, I don't," Er Kang said with a straight face.

Yong Qi looked amused for a moment, then said, "I would reply to that, but considering she is my sister, I really don't want to know."

Er Kang chuckled. Then he turned more serious.

"So Zhi Hua, what are you going to do about her?" Er Kang asked, sitting down.

"I don't see much I can do about her. What I worry more about is what she will do."

"True. I don't see her just letting you go without a fight now that she knows you are back in Beijing."

"She would not announce it to everyone in the palace that I am here, would she?"

Er Kang shook his head. "I don't think so. Zhi Hua may want you back, but she's proud. She would not announce it to the world that you left her all those years ago. As for what she would do to keep you back, honestly I have no idea."

Yong Qi stood up and looked out onto the courtyard. "She told me - she told me she wants me back, that she loves me. After all this time," he said heavily.

"You are surprised?"

"Not…not really. I had hoped that she would had come to hate me after all this time. Funny, how I find it easier to bear for her hate me than love me. But it bothers me, that after all this time, she still thinks everything can be ok, only if I come back to her. How can she think that anything between us would ever work, after everything?"

"I think - I think she's gotten into a mindset where she has to think that, whether she really believes it or not, to just keep holding on to you, to stop moving on."

"Why?"

"Because, deny it all you want, the truth is she entered the palace for you and you were her reason for existing in the palace. You know Lao Fo Ye took her in because she wanted to marry her off to you. If she takes you out of her hopes and out her mind, she doesn't have a reason for being in the palace anymore."

"That's what so frustrating," Yong Qi exclaimed. "That she thinks she has to hold onto to a life in the palace, hold on to me. She's a pretty, talented, intelligent woman. She doesn't deserve the life she has right now, so why can't she just realise that?"

Er Kang smiled thinly. "She apparently thinks for her beauty, her talents and her intelligence, she deserves no lower than a prince - "

" - who no longer exists. But of course, she won't accept that."

"This may sound very flippant, Yong Qi, but that's her problem, not yours. You made your choices, and yes, they affected her life in a way that she didn't like, but that doesn't mean she has to sit back and moan about it, blaming all her problems on it. She made her fair share of choices, as well."

"What I don't get is what she loves about me! She certainly believes it, yet she knows so little about who I really am. So how could she - "

"Her idea of love is very different from ours, I suppose. Maybe to us, loving you for your titles et cetera may not be love, but that does not stop her from believing it is. And when she believe is then it is love, to her."

"Do you think she'd do something rash? I mean, we all know what she was willing to risk last time. I don't want to have to worry, but how can I not worry that she'd try something again, this time?"

"As I said, I'd be surprised if she didn't try anything. You know, the easy solution would just be for you to leave as soon as possible."

Yong Qi sighed. "Xiao Yan Zi and I had hoped we could spend some more time with you and everyone. Besides, while Ji Xiang would be ok to travel now, I don't want her to until her injury completely heals. I would hate to think we'd have to run away from Zhi Hua. Though, to be honest, what could she do, really? Aside from announcing to the world that we're here, but even then, not many people would believe her if the common knowledge was that we're dead."

"You have a point, but one never know. I don't want to either underestimate or overestimate her. I suppose we should just all be on our guards."