You live with all your faults
-Goo Goo Dolls, "Slide"
Friday October 3, 1997
Shame, thick and dark and oily wove through me. Bile coated my mouth. I'd had to stop and toss cookies three times before I even made it to the front of the school. I was bad, wrong, evil, a monster. I'd become everything I stood against. I couldn't even tell myself there was a higher purpose to it anymore. I wasn't gathering intel, or learning secret plans, or doing anything really. I was running away from being the Slayer. A little corner of my brain piped in with the fact I was being a big perv about it too. It was kind of getting difficult for me to keep saying I was doing the touchy feely stuff only because I was trying to keep Dru's boyfriend from getting mad at her.
Only now I was in so deep I didn't know how to get back out. I was such a hopeless freak.
Once inside the school, I immediately gave up on going to class. Instead I opted for the library. I sat at the table, legs stretched out, arms crossed, staring at the wooden surface.
"Hello Buffy, is everything alright?" Giles asked when he exited his office and saw me sitting there. He made a point out of glancing at the clock, but thankfully he didn't try to send me on to class.
"Everything's fine," I mumbled, returning to my contemplation of the various scratches that marred the table top. There was one long scrape so deep it would never buff out. I wondered what had caused it, and if anyone at all remembered the reason it was there anymore.
"Well, I'm just going to get a cup of coffee. When you're ready to talk I'll be in my office." I ignored him as he left, when he came back in, and the half a dozen other times he found an excuse to get into my line of sight during the next forty minutes.
My brain was stuck on the instant replay of last night's events. The images were there whether my eyes were open or closed. I wondered if I should search out Drusilla while she was doing her Slayer stuff tomorrow. I could even ask her to meet me. Maybe she'd be down for dusting me in her body- then she could remain the Slayer for ever and ever while I'd be so much dust in the wind.
Bad, evil, wrong dust.
The bell finally rang, and a few minutes later Willow walked into the library, doing a double take on seeing me already there. She dumped her bag on the table, covering up the scratches I'd been pondering.
"Hello Willow, how was first period?" Giles asked, exiting his office. I felt like that statement was directed more at me than her, a guilt trip for skipping. I couldn't even muster up a glare of annoyance.
"Same old, same old." She put her hand out towards my arm and I flinched away. "Is this about that girl on the news, Buffy? Do you think it's a vampire?"
I nodded. "I'm sure it's our latest big bad."
"What's this?" Giles asked, coming to stand behind me.
"There was story on the news this morning," Willow explained. "They were talking about a classmate of ours that was found without any blood. I'm thinking Buffy feels bad because she didn't dust Spike when he attacked the school and now this girl, whose name I don't remember, is dead."
"That's what you've been sitting here worrying about?" Giles sounded confused. "Why didn't you just come to me and ask?" I made a non-committal noise. "I already talked to my contact at the police department," my Watcher continued. "The girl, Lacey is her first name by the way, was stabbed to death by a regular old knife. Nothing supernatural about her demise at all, I'm afraid."
I let out a lungful of air I hadn't even know I'd been holding and took a hiccuping breath that was followed by a sudden flood of tears. I swiped at them ineffectively with my hand. "Did your contact mention any other deaths lately that sounded suspicious?" I managed to ask, because, after all, that blood I drank had had to come from somewhere. Or more properly: someone. It shouldn't matter if I knew the person or not, only it kind of did. I could at least deal with it better if it was some random stranger I didn't feel directly responsible for protecting.
"Erm, well, yes, there was one other body found last night. That fact has not been disclosed to the media. I need you two to be very circumspect about this information." Both me and Willow mimed locking our lips and tossing away the key. Giles gave us a pained, long suffering look. "Officers believe they may have found the man who murdered Lacey, stuffed in the trunk of a car a few blocks away. His throat was ripped out. It might be hard to prove he was the girl's killer. The murder weapon is missing."
Yup, it would be, I'd licked it last night. So Spike had killed a killer. I didn't know how I felt about that. Was it okay-ish? Better than a complete innocent? How could I even make that call? What would I have done if I'd come upon this guy actually stabbing Lacey? Would I even of hesitated to put a stake through him?
Probably not.
I just wouldn't have eaten him. I guess that makes me better. Also, I would have been doing it for justice and to defend others, not because I needed dinner.
My head was throbbing with all the thinky.
When Giles was done talking Willow reached out to touch my shoulder again, and this time I didn't move away. "Do you need to talk about something else? You still look awfully down, and hey, I can be all with the listening."
"Yeah," I answered. "But not here." I looked to where Giles was sorting through a pile of dusty books.
"Little girls' room?" She said, both eyebrows raised. I nodded.
As soon as we were in the bathroom Willow checked the stalls to make sure they were empty. Once she was certain we were alone she grabbed my shoulders and shook me a little, looking wide eyed at me. "Dish, Buffy. Something is so up with you."
I quirked my lips over to the side.
"Is it a good up or a bad up?" Willow propped herself against one of the sinks.
"Both." I managed to get out. Embarrassment was making my cheeks burn. I had my arms crossed with my hands in white knuckled grips on my elbows.
Willow finally caught on to why I was nervous, and her jaw dropped. "You didn't!" She shrieked.
"No, no, uh- not all the way, anyway."
"Tell me!" Her face was glowing with excitement. It was good to be the one in the know for once, it made me feel all worldly. It was like being the first one out of your group of friends to get your period. I was the experienced woman. Sort of.
"I gave him a hand job." I said breathlessly.
Willow gave another shriek, "Really?"
"Really, really. And that's not even the best part." I leaned forward, and Willow did too. "While I was doing him, he had his hand up under my skirt doing me, and he totally knew how to make it good." I sighed, and so did my bestie. She was staring all dreamily off into the distance.
"I'm never going to be able to look at Angel ever again." She giggled. "I'll just be thinking about his talented hands."
"O my god- no! Willow!" Her mentioning Angel had made this slightly less fun. I knew that's who she'd be believing I was talking about, but hearing his name made me feel bad. For a while now I'd been thinking Angel would be the guy I'd be doing this kind of stuff with. At least, until this last week, when the world had flipped on its head and I'd turned all crazy lusty after a different vampire.
An evil one. With magic hands. Who didn't even know it was me feeling his touch.
"Details, Buffy, or I'll totally tell Giles you got all hands-y with Angel."
"You wouldn't!"
"I so would!"
"Blackmailer!" I gasped. She really didn't know how much, not that I believed even for a second that she would actually say anything to anyone, no matter if I told her anything or not.
"Yup. That's me. I'm hardcore mean now."
"I know when I'm defeated." I motioned her to lean in close again, and then I dished. All the while thinking about how, when nightfall came, I really didn't want to have to deal with Spike. Everything was just too strange right now.
Turns out I hadn't needed to worry; I woke up alone. Spike's duster was gone, and since I felt way better I was able to get up, get myself dressed, feed Lorenzo, and turn on the TV. I was pretty bored after an hour, but since I didn't want to read I had no good idea what I should do with myself.
I was contemplating furniture rearrangement and making a mental note to ask Dru about the stupid dolls when there was a scratch at the door. I smiled, glad for the interruption. I eagerly walked over and swung the door open. "Dalton!" I exclaimed, "Why don't you knock like a normal person?"
He was looking at the wall instead of me, vamp face on. I had decided that it was hard for him to approach me without the courage his demon gave him. His subservience tended to make Dru's demon preen, and I had to work not to give in and be a jerk to him.
"I d-d-don't want to disturb you, if you're r-r-resting," he stammered out.
"Well, you're not. I'm bored and I'm glad to see you. What have you got there?" He was carrying a loaded down duffle bag.
Dalton's eyes finally met mine, and something resembling a smile turned the corners of his lips up. With the fangs it was a little off, but I really was happy to see him, so I didn't say anything. He set the bag down and unzipped the top. "I hope you don't mind, but I got some stuff for you. First this-" he straightened up with what looked like a small tree branch in his hand. There were things hanging from it, colorful beads and pieces of wood tied together.
"For Lorenzo! You remembered!"
"Can't leave him with nothing to do." He handed me the branch and fished in the bag again, finally holding up a piece of bone banded by metal. "I got this out of the dumpster behind a pet store, it's a cuttlefish bone for his beak."
"What's a cuddle-fish bone?" I asked, confused.
"Cuttlefish, with to t's, not d's." Dalton's demon face left him as he went into teacher mode, explaining to me more than I wanted to know about what a cuttlefish was and how the bone was good for Lorenzo. While he talked, we got the two things set up in the cage, and shared a laugh when the parrot immediately squawked and went after some of the beads, nearly hanging upside down off the branch to do so.
"Thank you," I said. "He already looks much happier."
Dalton smiled shyly at me, and again I was reminded of an overgrown puppy, looking for any kind of attention and praise it could get. Someday I'd have to ask him how the hell he'd survived as a vampire as long as he had.
"Do you . . ." He was looking at the wall again.
"Do I- what?" I prompted.
"Do you still want to learn stuff, math, and maybe some other things?" He was shifting his weight nervously from foot to foot.
"Sure," I shrugged. "It beats being stuck in here all night."
Looking relieved he took my elbow and steered me towards the door. "Let's sit at the table, I can show you what I got." I let him direct me out past the entrance, where he grabbed the duffel, then down the short hallway and up the stairs onto the main factory floor. Since I'd last been there a fridge along with a small table and a microwave had been set up in one corner. It was a big relief to see them, hopefully Spike wouldn't be compelled to try "feeding" me again.
Dalton seated me in one of the chairs, then dumped the contents of the bag on the table. There were textbooks, pads of paper, pens and pencils, and even a sharpener.
"They're a year or two out of date, and I didn't know what you'd like Mistress, so I grabbed as many as I could." His expression was open and eager.
I started sorting through the books. Algebra I- yes, Economics of Finland- nope. Where had he even found that one?
Truthfully, I wasn't exactly thrilled with doing more school at night after being in class all day, but I really didn't have anything better to do. Dalton's enthusiasm was also catching. I couldn't help but grin as he did everything but cheer when I dropped a French text onto the 'yes' pile. It was good to have a friend here that wasn't Spike. That made me pause. Was Spike my friend? Did vampires even have friends?
I thought about Spike and I laughing together over the TV, and looked at Dalton's excited face. Well, whether or not I was supposed to- this part time vampire totally had friends.
Saturday October 4, 1997
Dear Buffy,
You were naughty with my William! While it is normal for a Childe to drink from its Sire, the other way around is not something I would permit my demon. Do not worry, you will learn to control your impulses.
Nothing interesting on Patrol. The Bronze was fun.
Love, Dru
Oh, terrific. I was a deviant vampire. I hoped Spike wasn't penning a letter to some kind of blood sucker version of Penthouse.
Tuesday, October 7, 1997
The days were starting to blend together. No more visions of any kind had shown up. Spike was busy with his Slayer plans, so usually I didn't see him until he drug himself in near sunrise. Then all he did was collapse on to the bed into an exhausted sleep. I was actually glad we hadn't been talking much. I still wasn't really okay with what had happened, though it had stopped being something that plagued me every waking moment. What bothered me the most was the relief I'd felt when I'd found out that the blood had not been from Lacey, but from her murderer. However, I believed the guy had deserved to go to trial and jail, not to be slaughtered for a meal. Human life was a good thing. So why did my conscious give me a pass on this. It wasn't right, but I couldn't seem to be able to change how I felt.
During the long nights Spike was busy, Dalton was a life saver; his tutoring was the only thing keeping me from dusting out of sheer boredom.
The non-talkiness between Spike and I was the reason it was a shock when I opened my eyes in the factory to see his grinning face. There was one hand running up and down my spine. He was sitting on my side of the bed, already dressed.
"Wake up poodle, I have a surprise for you."
I made a grumpy sound over being bothered. He chuckled as he stood and held out a hand to me. Sitting up, I allowed him to pull me up beside him. Thankfully, Dru was still wearing the black shirt to bed, so I wasn't buck naked. With his help I stepped into a long black dress made out of silk, satin, or some other such fabric that clung to my body in all the right places. The neckline plunged in a way I was sure I couldn't have pulled off in my regular body. Too bad I couldn't see myself, I must have looked like Morticia Addams.
I'd turned my back to Spike to pull off the shirt and get my arms in the sleeves of the dress. Now he was doing up the myriad of tiny buttons in the back, and I couldn't help but shiver from the brush of his fingers each time he fastened one. Talented hands, my mind whispered. I desperately tried to ignore the voice, and the hands.
When the last one was done, he settled his fingers on my hips and guided me over to the vanity. I gave up the fight and just let myself be lost to the sensation the second the brush touched my hair. Little moans and mews escaped my mouth, until Spike dropped the brush, fisted his hand in my hair and yanked my head back while he bent over me from behind. My toes curled as his lips met mine. I started making noises again when he gently sucked my bottom lip between his and bit down with blunt teeth. His nose grazed my chin as the kiss deepened. Our tongues wrapped around each other in lazy circles. When he let go and stood back up, I felt bereft. I turned around, watching him dazedly as he bent over and retrieved the fallen brush.
"Now, now kitten," he said as I reached for him. He caught my hand and kissed it. "I've something all ready to show you. Other things will just have to wait for later." With a wicked smirk he turned my hand over and licked across my wrist. His wet tongue trailing over the sensitive skin made me gasp. Chuckling warmly, Spike let go of my wrist and put both of his hands on the sides of my head to make me face forward again. He made quick work out of straightening the snarl he'd put into hair, and I was able to be quiet while he did it. Mostly.
When he was finished, he tied a strip of fabric over my eyes, then took my hands. Carefully, he led me out of the room. At the stairs he put his strong arms around my waist and carried me up the few steps to the main factory floor. The blood smell that had been teasing my nose grew stronger, making Dru's demon restless.
Spike stopped me, then whipped off the blindfold. My mouth hung open in shock. Arranged on the table were rows and rows of thermoses, each one neatly labeled with what kind of blood it contained. It ran the gamut from Aardvark to Zebra.
"Didn't know which kind you would like, so I got a little of everything. I figured we could try 'em and I'd keep your favorites in stock. What do you think, pet? Ready to give it a whirl?" He'd grabbed one of the clear plastic glasses that were arranged at the end of the table and was tapping it against his thigh.
"It's not even my birthday!" I squealed, bouncing on the balls of my feet.
"Which end should we start with?" Spike asked, grinning.
Instead of answering I flew to where my vampire was standing and wrapped him in a big hug. "Thank you! Thank you! Thank you!" I babbled while peppering his face with tiny kisses. He looked stunned. After a moment his hands landed on my shoulders to still me. He leaned his forehead against mine. "You're a wonder," he breathed. My insides went all funny and gooey at his words, while my mind blanked. Instead of trying to find a response I let my demon out, feeling relief as my face shifted and fangs descended. Spike mirrored my actions, his eyes never leaving mine.
"Let's be rebels and start with 'z,' because we're all evil and stuff," I suggested with a giggle. Spike threw his head back and laughed.
"That we are, princess, that we are." He let me go to retrieve a second cup, put it in my hands, then proceeded to pour me a shot from the 'zebra' container.
"Cheers!" I said, tapping my glass to his. Simultaneously, we tipped the cups up and drank, and then made twin grimaces of disgust.
"God, tastes like hay," Spike grumbled.
"That's already been eaten once." I added.
"Next?" He asked, holding up 'Yak.'
"Hit me," I said, presenting him with a fresh cup to fill.
Wednesday October 8, 1997
Dear Buffy,
Do you like French toast? It's so good, and really easy to make. I only managed to flip one piece onto the floor.
Hi Dru,
Warm, gooey French toast is awesome! Almost as good as cheetah blood. Can I put your dolls up? Also, I started my period today. I wrote directions on the next page about what you need to do.
Thursday October 9, 1997
Dear Buffy,
Yes, you can put the dolls away. Please, be careful with them.
Tampons are weird. When I first got my period, it was expected that a young lady would remain in her bed all day, it was nice.
Can I start a garden?
I put the porcelain dolls and their creepy eyes neatly away in the drawers of the dresser. Spike spent a long time staring at the empty top of the bureau that night before crawling into the bed next to me. He put an arm around me and spooned up against my back. It felt . . . normal. Without realizing, I'd somehow and some-when forgiven him for the whole throat blood drinking thing. He'd only been doing his clumsy best to take care of me. I wasn't really okay with it, but vampires drink blood, and he'd had no way to know I would wig out over it.
Spike pressed a kiss to the top of my head, then nuzzled into the mane of my hair. "I love you," he whispered against the nape of my neck. My stomach dropped to the floor. I pretended to be asleep.
Friday October 10, 1997
Hi Dru,
It's kind of the wrong time of the year for gardening. Maybe you can grow something inside. Ask Mom.
Monday October 13, 1997
I wasn't surprised when my Mom walked into my room carrying a stack of gardening books and seed catalogs.
"I got these from one of the ladies at work. She said to start small and go from there, and she wrote her number down if you need to ask her anything." My Mom leaned against my door, smiling, and shook her head. "You have your homework done, you're learning to cook, and you're developing an interest in a great hobby. Buffy, I'm really proud of how you're doing."
"Thanks, Mom." I mumbled, embarrassed. Really only the homework finishing was mine. I looked at the page of neatly completed algebra. It hadn't taken me very long, since I now knew what I was doing. I mostly ignored my awful math teacher at this point, and I didn't even take notes. I just asked Dalton to cover it the next night since he'd actually explain the concepts in ways I could understand. I'd even gotten a 90% on my last math quiz.
"So", she continued. "Will there be a nice young man for me to meet soon? At the rate you're going, I'm expecting you to bring home a future lawyer or doctor any day now."
The image of Spike with his leather duster, bleached hair, combat boots, and a cigarette jammed between those smirking lips of his, took up residence in my mind. Oh, and a vampire, couldn't forget that part. Probably not who my mother had in mind. I blushed. "Uh, there isn't anyone right now, Mom. I'm trying to focus on school."
"Of course." I darted my eyes to the side, watching her narrow her gaze at me. She'd so seen me blush. "Well, you bring him home when you feel ready." She walked off before I could reply.
Bring him home? That so wasn't happening. Ever.
Wednesday October 15, 1997
"Again," Dalton instructed, looking over his glasses at me.
I took a deep breath. "Je sais, tu sais, il sait, nous savon, vous savez, ils savent."
"Excellent, now write it out." He tapped the pad of paper in front of me.
I bent to the task, only grumbling a little. Verb conjugations were not my favorite. Spike walked by, accompanied by one of the minions. He glanced at us, frowned like he always did when I was studying, but he didn't break either his stride or the tirade about security he was delivering to the frightened looking vampire at his side. I went back to conjugating.
Twenty minutes and three more irregular verbs later I was ready to call it quits. Enough with the French. I was never leaving Sunnydale, I'd never need to speak it in real life, and I'd only taken it because the school made me pick a language elective.
"Je fin," I told my tutor.
"Mais non, 'Je finis.'" He corrected. I growled at him, and Dalton chuckled.
"No really, I'm good on French for tonight." I stood to stretch, and as I raised my arms over my head, pain lanced through my skull. I cried out as my knees gave way, and I would have hit the floor if Dalton hadn't caught me. Then the images started.
Night, dark, wind, fear. I was running, terrified. The monster was behind me. I wasn't fast enough and it grabbed me. I screamed. My bracelet broke. I watched it slither off my wrist and fall to the grass. The monster crushing my wrist wore a human face. I watched, horrified as the skin stretched and peeled away, revealing a reptilian face underneath. It was gone, replaced with a chalkboard. Three symbols I vaguely recognized were drawn over and over again on the board. They were in neat lines, like someone had been punished by being forced to write them out. I reached up a ran a hand through them, smearing the chalk, the dust coated my fingers. The overhead light blinked off, then back on. Only now I was watching a man being handed a sword. He could help. He was a knight that slayed dragons. The man straightened up and I could see his face. It was Angel.
I came back to myself, my eyes trying to focus on Dalton's frightened face. Both our heads snapped to the side to look when an enraged roar echoed across the factory floor. Spike was beside us in a flash, ripping me away from Dalton and dropping me unceremoniously on top of the table. Pain throbbed in my skull, taking my vision in a white haze.
"You bloody pillock, you think you can touch my woman?" Spike snarled. I struggled to sit up when I heard Dalton give a pained yelp following the unmistakable noise of a fist ramming into flesh.
Once I was upright the haze cleared. Spike was vamped out, fury radiating from him as he slammed his fist over and over again into a cowering Dalton.
"Spike, stop!" I yelled. My own demon came forward in response to the anger. I leapt at Spike, grabbing his arm. He turned his head and snapped his fangs at me. Me insides did a little twist, because he looked magnificent. "Stop!" I hissed again. "I had a vision. Dalton just kept me from falling."
Spike bellowed and tore his arm free. "He was touching you!" My vampire howled his frustration while continuing to land blows. I didn't know how to stop him; he was stronger than me. "The wanker still wants you. Wants what's mine!"
I caught his arm again. "No, he freaking doesn't! He's gay." I glanced at Dalton, who had the one eye he was able to open trained on me. "I'm sorry," I mouthed at him.
Spike straightened up, a confused look on his face. "Really?" I nodded and he looked back down at the vampire who was trembling like a leaf where he crouched on the floor. He toed Dalton with one boot. "You're a poofter?"
Dalton nodded, either unable or unwilling to speak.
Turning back to me Spike reached up and tenderly tucked a strand of hair behind my ear. I caught his hand with mine, rubbing my face into his palm like a cat.
"What did you see?" He asked me dreamily.
The demon told me what to say. I looked right into Spike's wild gold eyes and breathlessly whispered, "Angel."
Immediately, my lover's anger, which had started to dissipate, cranked back up to eleven. He had both my wrists in iron grips, and was yanking me towards our lair. When I stumbled, he let go of my wrists and scooped my up in his arms. I giggled, pushing his coat back and sinking my fangs through his black shirt and into his shoulder.
I worried at the bite like a dog with a bone, making him snarl with pain. The sound made me burn, and I bucked against his iron hold on my body, trying to squirm one of my legs over his arm. I giggled again when he tossed me onto the bed. Quick as lightening Spike was on top of me, the weight of his body holding me down as I wiggled.
His mouth was hot and hungry on mine, our fangs clinking as we hissed and growled into each other's mouth. In my desperation, I simply shredded his shirt to get at his skin. I got one leg out from under him and wrapped it around his waist, my hips undulating frantically. Groaning, Spike yanked down the front of my dress. I yelped and clawed at his back as his mouth started working on one breast.
On his way to the other he paused to kiss the skin over where what was left of my heart was. "O God, Drusilla, I love you."
It was like being tossed outside into a forty below snowstorm. I wasn't Drusilla. My body went limp, my arms and legs falling to the bed. Dru's demon receded. "Spike, stop." I said.
His head jerked up, and he growled, punching the bed next to my head before returning to kissing my chest. I sighed. All that Slayer training about getting out of a situation when a bigger foe had you pinned was going to come in handy now. I braced my back, got my arms and legs in position, and with a heave managed to flip Spike off me onto his back. I quickly straddled his stomach and yanked back up the front of my dress. When he growled and tried to dislodge me I slapped him hard, leaving a trail of cuts from my nails across his cheek. "I said STOP!" I yelled, and to my surprise he did. He lay there, looking confused and wounded, especially when the demon left his features and blue eyes full of hurt bore into mine.
"Spike," I whispered, and leaned forward to lick the blood from his face.
"What's wrong, Dru? What've I done this time?"
"Nothing." It was me, or really the lack of me, that was the problem. I couldn't do this as half of who I was. It was wrong, wrong, wrong. I wanted to be Buffy, all of Buffy, if I was going to be with someone. This someone. Spike deserved better too. He shouldn't be thinking he was with Dru when he wasn't.
How couldn't he tell it was me in here?
Anger bubbled up. Anger at whoever or whatever was making me and Dru switch, anger at Spike for not seeing who I really was, anger at myself for letting things get out of hand.
I jerked away from him, moving to sit on the edge of the bed so my back was to him.
After a few moments he rolled towards me, placing a hand at the base of my spine.
"Tell me more about what you saw," he said with a resigned huff.
"There was a girl running because she was being chased, she was wearing a bracelet that broke and fell off. A man caught her, but then his face turned lizard like. There was a chalkboard with three symbols on it, and they were repeated over and over. Then someone was handing Angel a sword because he was the one that could kill the lizard-man thing."
"Right, well. What were the three symbols, then?" Spike asked, sitting up next to me now. I moved my fingertip on the sheet to outline then. " 'S Greek. Delta Zeta Kappa."
"Does it mean anything to you?"
He shook his head. "None of it does. Don't know why Peaches would be needin' to play dragon slayer."
At his words, something clicked. I'd seen the first part as if I were the girl in danger. Angel needed to save me, or maybe Drusilla as me.
"Spike, do you know where Angel lives?"
"Yeah, hard to miss the souled up stench of him."
"Good." I stood up, going to grab a new shirt for Spike. I tossed it to him before turning to get his duster ready for him.
"Uh, Dru, you want to share with the class?"
"You need to go find him and tell him that in the next day or two some Delta Zeta Kappa lizard monster is going to attack the Slayer and it's up to him to save her."
"Have you gone completely sack of hammers? Why the bleedin' hell would I do that?" He was on his feet, hands on hips, his face screwed up like he'd bitten a lemon.
"Because if you don't, there'll be no more Slayer blood in Sunnydale." That got him.
"Christ, woman. You're going to be the death of me." He staked over and pulled the coat out of my hands. "You'd better not breathe a single word of this to anyone. You hear me, ya daft bint?"
"Got it." I'd won, he could call me whatever he wanted. Spike left, slamming the door behind him hard enough to rattle the frame.
I barely waited two minutes and I was out the door and walking as fast as I could back to the main part of the factory. Dalton had managed to crawl over to the wall. His face was a mess, bruised and swollen. His nose was broken, and probably his jaw as well.
I bent down in front of him, taking his hand. He clutched at me. "I'm sorry, Dalton. This won't happen again. I promise. When you feel better, we'll talk about Arthur, okay?" He squeezed my fingers tightly and then relaxed. I let go and headed over to the fridge. Opening the door, I rummaged around till I found a cup of plain pig's blood that smelled ok. While it warmed, I hunted down something to use as a straw. The short length of copper tubing I pulled out of the wall wasn't ideal, but it'd work.
The microwave beeped, I tested the temperature, and brought it over to Dalton. I was no nurse, but I managed to get the end of the tube between his lips and his instinct to drink took over from there. When the container was empty I helped him to lay down, his head in my lap. I hated that he was hurt, but I didn't feel bad about what had happened. I should be feeling guilty; it was partially my fault for not having some kind of talk with Spike about him. Only I didn't. Not one little bit. It was odd, but I could worry about it later.
Also for later was Angel. I hadn't seen him in weeks. I waited for a rush of longing or for jealousy to rear it's head because it would be Drusilla seeing him and not me. Nothing. It made be wonder if there'd ever really been anything there at all.
We were still there when Spike returned. He was obviously agitated, and was muttering angrily under his breath. He stopped short when he saw us.
"Oi, this is rich. I have to go play white hat, against my soddin' will, and this is what I bloody well come back to?!" He stormed over to us, and I could feel Dalton tremble.
"Spike, he's my friend. I'm sorry if I've been some kind of ho-bag in the past to make you think I'm humping everything in pants whenever you turn your back, but the me that's here right now wouldn't do that to you."
"Why?" he bent down, looking me in the eyes. Only the fingers drumming against his thigh gave away how nervous he was.
"I don't know yet." It was honest truth. I held my head high, looking back at the man who had done more to turn my world upside down than whatever spell was causing the body switching.
Spike dropped his eyes away from mine. "I can accept that. It's more than I probably deserve. C'mon now, let's get this wanker back to his bunk so he can get his beauty sleep." He helped me to my feet, then between us we got Dalton standing up and stumbling in the right direction. Spike patted him on his back. " 'S alright, mate. You'll be right as rain in the morning. No hard feelings, I just love the girl is all."
There were those words again, that were so easy for him to say. Between us Dalton just grimaced, or maybe he was smiling. It was hard to tell.
Thursday October 16, 1997
Hi Dru,
I had another vision. There's some kind of a lizard monster associated with the Delta Zeta Kappa fraternity house. I got invited to a party there on Friday night, so be careful. Angel already knows, he's supposed to help you. I hope that won't be too weird for you. Keep an eye out for a broken bracelet. Oh, and sorry, you're going with Cordelia.
Dear Buffy,
Angel found me tonight. When he kisses me, I want to die. Once upon a time he kissed my neck and I did die. Ashes to ashes. Dust to dust. Only we're all mixed up, aren't we? Dust and ashes all jumbled together.
The Barbie dolls were back on the ledge by the window. "Oh, Dru. What the hell did he do to you?"
Friday October 17, 1997
Hi Dru,
Tonight's the big night! We think there's a girl being held against her will at the frat house. Her name's Callie Anderson and she goes to Kent Preparatory School. Xander will go to the party as backup, and Willow, Angel, and Giles will be hiding outside. At the first sign of trouble they'll be there. Good luck.
Dear Buffy,
He saved me! Angel saved me! I drank something and it made we woozy, and when I woke up I was chained in the basement. I couldn't yank the chains out of the ceiling in time and the creature would have eaten Cordy if Angel hadn't been right there to be my knight in shining armor. He wants to have coffee with me. I told him sometime. It was wonderful.
Saturday October 18, 1997
Hi Dru,
You got roofied?!
Monday October 27, 1997
Spike hadn't come to bed yet. Usually, I just waited, but I felt lonely. Lately, he'd been reviewing the tapes of Drusilla fighting, and dusting, his minions. He'd watch the damn things over and over, trying to memorize the moves. It bugged me. He spent more time with the tapes than me lately.
Damn it, I was jealous of myself.
I walked through the mostly silent factory, past the table, and into the room with the AV equipment. My bare feet made no noise on the concrete floor.
Spike was there, sitting in a chair, one of the tapes of me paused. My body was mid kick, with hair flying back. Dru had dressed me in a tight sweater and a short skirt that left my legs mostly bare. The way the skirt draped you couldn't actually see my undies or anything. I was grateful to be spared that embarrassment.
I went to take another step towards Spike, but when I looked back at him, my brain put together exactly what he was doing. With his hand.
Oh, eww. Why did he have to be such a guy?
I turned and left quickly, feeling totally confused. I needed someone to decode dude behavior for me. Without a doubt, I knew Spike liked talking to me, hanging out with me, and doing things for me. He was jealous of my attentions, and could be somewhat more possessive than I really liked. He'd said he loved me, more than once now.
So why was he jacking off to pictures of my regular body? I guess I had kind of shot down the smoochies the other day, but it still felt like the right thing to do. I still didn't want to have sex for the first time in someone else's body, and he didn't deserve that level of deceit. Dru's demon didn't agree with me at all. It was pissy, and demanding I go back in there and show Spike exactly who he belonged to. It wanted me to bloody his nose, and make him beg.
Not happening, and go away.
The demon went back to sulking in the hind part of my brain. I got under the quilt on the bed, laying on the very edge of my side of the mattress. To distract myself from the endless confusion, I started repeating the latest verb conjugation I was trying to learn. Je reconnais, tu reconnais . . .
I was still at it when Spike finally came in, minutes before dawn, lying down next to me in nothing but his jeans. Nous reconnaissons. He rolled from one side to the other, then back again. After a minute he wiggled onto his back, sighing loudly. Vous reconnaissez. He shifted his weight again, bumping my leg with his foot. I wanted to turn over and snap something at him about how he really should be more relaxed. Ils reconnaissent. He tried with his arms under his head, then rolled onto in stomach, then onto his side again, facing me. It was driving me batty, so I relented. I scooted back until we were tucked together. Spikes arm settled around me, and I could feel the tension leave him. Funny thing was, I relaxed too. Je reconnais.
Tuesday October 28, 1997
Dear Buffy,
I had a vision during the day yesterday. There's someone new in town, a mystical power. He will turn things upside down and inside out on Halloween. He must not be a demon or he'd know better than to do anything on All Hallow's Eve. I've warned Giles and the others, but I don't know what exactly is going to happen.
We're going to pick costumes tonight. Try to work on Willow, she wants to be an apparition, but I think she should be more open about being something less banal.
Love, Dru
P.S. I also told Spike, but I'm not sure yet what he plans to do about it. Usually, he just spends a quite night watching TV. He likes the one about the big pumpkin.
Spike was a Charlie Brown fan? Would wonders never cease?
Dru didn't know what she was up against with Willow's shyness, but I'd do my best to get her to do something besides hide under a bed-sheet. Not that I had any real wiggle room with hiding. The mountain of secrets I was sitting on had surpassed unforgivable weeks ago. I hadn't even called Dru on having coffee, or whatever it was she was doing, with Angel. It was just another way to hide my real thoughts and emotions from my friends. The only person who truly knew who I was anymore was Drusilla and that in itself was a terrifying thought.
I slammed the notebook down on the dresser and headed for school. It was going to be another fun day of pretending to be normal Buffy who only had friends with souls, thought the world was strictly black and white and only had the hots for a vampire on a mission of redemption.
I aced another quiz in English, this one over characters in The Outsiders.
Stay gold, Ponyboy, stay gold.
I was starting to scare myself with how well school was going. It was strange. At least today class was acting as a great way to distract myself from thinking about Spike being a perv. Though, now in the body he was being gross over, the whole thing felt, well- a little less gross. Hadn't I wanted him to want all of me as my regular self?
Yeah, Buffy, because that's a great idea. Why don't you head out to the factory right now and stroll in like you own the place? That won't result in instant death, with, oh yeah, a side of death.
I was such a freaking mess.
Maybe the whole thing meant nothing at all? I decided to pin down the one person that might be able to answer my questions.
When lunch was almost over I grabbed Xander's sleeve and asked if we could talk, in private, for a second.
Looking somewhat scared he followed me to a little used corner of the hallway.
"So what's up, Buffster?" He asked, scratching his head.
I dropped my voice to a barely-there whisper. "The most awkward conversation in the history of the world."
He looked skeptical. "Really? Because I've had some doozies."
"I'm going for a new record here." I bit my lip and considered him. "Maybe we should sit down."
"Where? On the floor? The school janitors here are not the most over-dedicated of people. Who knows what bacterial experiments are occurring under our shoes as we speak." We both looked down at the not very clean linoleum.
"Okay, I see your point." I conceded. "I'm just going to say this-" I bit my lip, suddenly not sure I wanted to actually do this.
"It was a good try. Maybe next time?" Xander was trying not to laugh at me.
"Ugh! Fine! What does it mean if you catch a guy that likes you touching himself while he's looking at pictures of you?"
"Huh? What?"
"You heard me," I mumbled, may face the color a cherry.
"Is this a hypothetical guy? Maybe touching his hypothetical ears?" Xander was doing his best deer-in-the-headlights impression.
"It can be, if it makes you feel better."
"Buffy, why in the Sam Hill are you asking me this?"
"You're my only guy-shaped friend, Xander. I didn't know who else to ask and I'm totally wigging over it." I pouted at him. I'd been figuring out that was a pretty good way to get what I wanted. It worked like a charm. Score one for Buffy. What I said hadn't exactly been true either. I did have one other guy friend, but I couldn't in a million years imagine asking Dalton. Seriously, the dude would probably melt into a puddle of embarrassment. Plus, my patented pout mostly likely wouldn't work on him. It sure hadn't during my last round of math tutoring. It'd had to have been his demon that'd come up with that set of problems.
"I'm not even going to ask how this situation came about," Xander held up his hands, either to stop me from trying to answer, or in defeat. "Look, as a guy I can tell you there's lots of readily available material to do- that- to. Especially if it's a dude who's not living with his parents and can just walk down to the 7-11 and buy a Playboy. So if he's using pictures of you then it probably means he's got, like, emotions and stuff. About you."
"Huh." Emotions- about me. That made sense. It didn't mean Spike had any positive feelings for the Slayer, he was just hung up on her, me, whatever. And like all guys he'd dealt with that by thinking with his other head. I guess I appreciated that he didn't find me butt ugly. "Thanks, Xander." I gave him an awkward one arm hug, then left him standing there while I headed to class.
I was lost in my own world when Principal Snyder caught up to me. "Summers, I'm expecting you to be on time this Friday, and in costume."
"I'll be there, bright eyed and bushy tailed." I replied cheerily.
He glared at me suspiciously, then nodded and walked off.
I wondered if he'd taste better than zebra.