PART II
four years later
...
Emily is alone with Henry when Olivia calls about Elliot Stabler's wedding.
"He finally wore Kathy down, huh?" Emily laughs, bouncing Henry on her knees, making faces at him so he'll laugh.
"We're all invited," Olivia says, and there's something in her voice that grabs Emily's attention. She doesn't mention it though. She knows Liv will get there soon enough.
"So who's going to tell the hero that she can't make the drive herself?"
Neither of them ever talk about how close they came to losing Jane to Hoyt. It's forbidden territory, and it goes without saying that if either of them were to ever have that close a shave, they won't fully discuss the potential loss of that either.
Olivia sighs heavily. "draw straws?"
"Over the phone? You'll cheat."
"Well, I was thinking that since you're driving anyway…" Olivia's voice trails off.
Emily laughs. "You jerk!"
"Baa!" Henry says adamantly.
"Was that Henry?"
"Yeah," Emily says, grinning. "Mommy needed a little break, so Aunt Em's on duty."
"Aunt," Muses Olivia, but Emily lets it go. Neither Jane nor Olivia has outright commented on how much time she spends with Jennifer Jareau. She wonders if they've talked about it to each other, the way she and Liv sometimes talk about the Medical Examiner.
"Look, Em," Olivia says, and here is the meat of the phonecall, Emily can tell. "I have to tell you something."
Emily stands, Henry in her arms. "So tell it," she says evenly, unsure why her heart swoops nervously like that.
"I...met someone," she says it quietly, but clearly, and though Emily has been ready for something like this, though later she will laugh and say she saw it coming, though she has been on the verge of kissing JJ Jareau for weeks now, the confession still makes her lean against the doorframe nearest to her.
"Emily?" Olivia's voice is small. Too understanding. "Em, I wanted to tell you before you got here…because…I just thought that-"
"What's her name?" Emily asks, surprised at her own vocal control.
Olivia pauses. "Alexandra," she says.
Emily looks down at her hands, making a lot of snap judgements in that moment that probably are not very fair. "What does she do?"
"She's," again with the hesitation. "She's our ADA."
Emily laughs. She cannot help it. "Oh my God," she says. "Jane's going to hate her!"
Olivia is silent.
"Have you called her yet?"
"No," Olivia says guiltily. "It...something made it easier to call you."
Ah. Easier to let down the person who has feelings for you than to tell the person you have feelings for that they might not exist anymore.
"I get it," Emily says.
"It's not that I don't-" Olivia rushes to fix it, but Emily sucks her teeth.
"Liv," she says firmly. "I get it."
"I love you," Olivia says, and Emily smiles because it has taken her a long time to realize that this line, from the first woman she ever fell in love with, is not pity. It's just the truth.
"I love you too. You owe me a steak for this."
Olivia laughs. Her laugh sounds happier. She sounds so...good.
"So," Emily says, settling Henry in his high chair and opening the fridge. "Tell me all about A.D.A Alexandra."
…
…
She gets home a little late, stepping into the front hall quietly, in case JJ has gotten Henry to sleep early. Their six year old is in a new phase, where he refuses to stay in his bed. They've found him in the hall, in the bathroom, even under their bed, curled up and asleep, seemingly content. Emily didn't think it was much to worry about, but JJ had started a new bedtime routine a week after the anomaly began, and she knew better than to try to talk her out of it.
But she rounds the corner into the kitchen and finds her wife and son at the dining room table, both sitting in front of the remains of ice cream sundaes.
Henry is waving his spoon around, making an airplane noise, and JJ is laughing at him. Emily just looks for a moment before stepping into view.
"What's all this?" she asks, laughing along with JJ as Henry holds out his sticky hands to her. "Isn't it late for ice cream sundaes?"
"We was waiting for you, Mom!" Henry says, the sugar from his sundae amplifying his voice. "We were waiting for you so we could show you the surprise!"
Emily raises her eyebrows, looking from Henry to JJ, who is leaning against the kitchen counter with a bowl of ice cream in her hands, eyes bright. She glances at Emily and her smile widens.
"There's a surprise for me?" Emily prompts, when JJ doesn't speak.
"Yeah!" Henry yells. "We've been waiting and waiting for you to get home."
"I'm even sorrier I'm late, then," Emily says, looking around curiously. "Where is this surprise?"
Henry spins in his seat to look at JJ expectantly. "Can I go put it on now, Mama?" he asks, wiggling enough that his chair tips back and forth. Emily reaches out a steadying hand as JJ nods.
"Yes. Make sure it's right side out so we can read it," she says, and they both watch Henry slide down from the chair and run out of the room.
Emily moves over to her wife, leaning down to kiss her, tasting ice cream on her lips. "Wow," she says, chuckling. "Mint Chocolate Chip. This must be a special occasion."
JJ nods. "Very," she confirms.
"Are you going to give me a hint?"
"No," JJ says resolutely, though she looks like she's trying to be firm with herself more than Emily. "Henry wanted to show you via the special gift we got him today, and I'm going to let him."
Emily pretends to pout, but she doesn't have long to wait. Henry's pounding feet can be heard returning from the next room, and they turn to look at him as he skids into the room.
He's wearing an oversized t-shirt, cut to fit like a baseball jersey. On the front is the big embroidered number one. He grins up at Emily excitedly, his chocolate mustache making him look like an overexcited little man.
"You're…joining a baseball team?"
JJ speaks, and now she sounds choked up. "Turn around honey," she says. "Show Momma your back."
Henry spins, and Emily reads words where his last name should be, printed in big block letters above another number one.
Big Brother
She stares at the words, and then when Henry spins back around, she stares at his elated, expectant face.
"W-what?" she manages. She turns to look at JJ, bewildered, and finds her wife laughing, tears on her cheeks.
"Didn't you read it, Momma?" Henry asks, concerned. "Didn't you see what it said?"
JJ laughs, reaching out so she can cup Emily's face. "Do you have the other one?" she asks their son, and Henry nods, holding another, much smaller t-shirt out.
Emily takes it, noticing that her hands are shaking as she does so. It is another little jersey, only this one has a number two stitched on it. And the words above the number say…
They say…
"Oh, my God." It's all Emily can muster. She holds the little shirt in her hands, barely registering JJ's arms as they close around her shoulders, or Henry's a little further down. "Oh, My God," she whispers.
"I'm going to be a brother!" Henry says, looking up at her. "I'm gonna be a big brother!"
Emily turns her head to look at JJ and is met with her lips, still smiling and wet from her tears.
"When did you find out?" She asks, when she has pulled away, bending down to pick Henry up. "Why didn't you call?"
JJ laughs, wiping her eyes. "I knew you'd be able to tell if you heard my voice," she says. "I couldn't even keep it a secret from Henry! He got it out of me before we'd even made it halfway home from school!"
Emily sinks into a seat at the dining room table, settling Henry on her lap. He puts his arms around her neck. "It's going to be a baby," he says, as if worried she doesn't fully understand. "So not a little guy to play with right away."
"And maybe not a guy at all, Henry, remember?" JJ says, coming to sit down at the table too. "Em?"
Emily looks at her, sure her face is still stuck in an expression of terrified shock. "I didn't think it'd happen so quickly," she says. It's the wrong thing. It's not what she means. JJ's face falls minutely, but she covers it quickly for Henry's sake.
"Are you excited, Momma?" Henry asks, studying her. "Don't you think I'll make a good big brother?"
Emily smiles at his hopeful little face. She loves him so much. "You are going to be the best big brother in the whole world, Henry," she says. "I can't wait to see you two together!"
In her chair nearby, JJ relaxes. They sit for a moment longer, Emily ruffling Henry's hair, until JJ shakes herself and stands. "Okay, buddy boy, you know the deal. Surprise when Momma got home and then…"
Henry wiggles down from Emily's lap, turning to grin at her. "Love you Momma!" he says. "Can't wait until tomorrow and it's closer to being a big brother."
Emily smiles through the twinge this sends up her spine. "I love you too, Henry. Sleep well, kiddo."
…
JJ returns to the living room about twenty minutes later, sitting down on the couch next to Emily and taking her hand.
"He went down okay?"
JJ smiles. "That's never the issue. Here's hoping he stays in his own bed."
Emily crosses her fingers. "Here's hoping."
"Em," JJ says after a moment. "Can we talk?"
Emily looks at their hands, linked between them. "Okay."
"You're not as," JJ bites her lip, and Emily knows it's in an attempt to remain calm, "you're not as happy as I thought you'd be," she says finally. "It can't possibly be a surprise. It's not like this was an accident."
Emily shakes her head. "I'm...It is a surprise," she says finally. "I was not expecting the first time to work. It's so rare. I thought…I thought the second time. The third, definitely."
JJ looks stricken. "You didn't expect it to…or you didn't want it to?"
Emily huffs. "Don't. You know I was as completely on board as you were about having another baby. I don't want Henry to be an only child. We're both getting a little older…"
"Then why are you treating this as a curse instead of a blessing?" JJ scoots closer to her on the couch, reaching out to take her hands. "Emily," she says, "the way you looked when you saw that little shirt. I thought you were going to bolt."
"I'd never walk out on you, Jen," Emily says it fiercely, a kneejerk reaction to the idea of being without her wife. "You know I'd never just…bail."
"I know," JJ says with a smile, and she leans forward to kiss the tip of Emily's nose. "You're in love with me. You're so in love with me that whatever terror you felt at the prospect of me having a baby, you shoved down so hard that you were able to produce a genuine happy response for our son."
"I am hap-" Emily starts, but JJ shushes her.
"You're terrified," she says. "You might be happy on some level, Em, but your first reaction was terror. And you're wonderful, and sweet and still so damn worried that your fears will become mine that you shut that part of you down. But baby, you don't have to. This is your baby I'm having. This is going to be our baby."
Emily shudders, and although JJ catches it and pulls her into her arms, she doesn't say anything. She just waits.
Technically, Emily has no secrets from JJ. Every difficult fact of her past was laid out for the blonde to see. But the emotional fall out is a different story. She's kept that part hidden, still.
From everyone.
"I don't know how to explain," she murmurs into the crook of JJ's elbow.
JJ kisses the top of her head. "You know, I've been where you are, I think."
"What?"
"I…I think I know what you're thinking, how you're feeling."
Emily presses herself closer to JJ, wanting to believe it. "Tell me," she says quietly.
"When I got pregnant when Henry…when I found out…I was so terrified."
Emily doesn't say anything. Tentatively, JJ brushes her hand through Emily's hair, and kisses the side of her head. Emily is usually the one who comforts. She's the one who runs her fingers through her wife's hair and whispers sweet words in the middle of the night. She's the one who catches after the nightmares.
But she has to admit that this role reversal feels really, really good.
"I wasn't in love with Will," JJ says. "I was in love with you, and I didn't know how to…I thought you'd hear about my pregnancy and it would push you even further away. I thought my chance with you was over."
Emily can't help herself. "You thought you had a chance with me?" she jokes.
JJ squeezes her. "I might not have been a profiler, but I saw the way you looked at me. Especially when I was pregnant."
"You were so sexy pregnant."
"I was so scared, Em," JJ whispers, and Emily pulls away so she can turn to face her. "I was scared and you were there for me. You let me show up to your door in the middle of the night. You let me hog the covers. You listened to every stupid, incoherent thing that came out of my head. You never once took advantage of me. You-"
"JJ, I would never take advantage of you. I-"
"Just listen to me, Em, okay?" JJ puts her hands on Emily's shoulders, calming. "I'm trying to tell you something."
Emily takes JJ's hands in her own so she can kiss them. "I'm sorry. Go on."
"There were some nights, when I would come over. You would let me sleep in bed with you. There was one night, in particular…Will had called earlier and was just…awful."
Emily remembers. She remembers JJ, nearly seven months pregnant, red eyed and hyperventilating on her doorstep. She remembers the way JJ had melted against her as they slid together under the covers, and the open, desperate way she'd mouthed at Emily's neck before falling asleep.
"You let me…manhandle you for my own comfort. That wasn't fair."
"It was for my comfort too," Emily confesses. "If you'd chosen Reid or…Morgan to confide in, I would have gone crazy."
JJ's smile is fleeting. "So…let me be that person now," she says. "Let me be the one that catches your crazy. Whatever you're thinking about this baby, whether it's irrational or incoherent or completely enraging…just, let me in."
"You're the profiler now," Emily says with a smile. "Tell me what you think."
JJ bites her lip, she doesn't smile back. "I think it has to do with Rome," she says after a minute.
Emily's shoulders stiffen. She can't help it.
"You've told me about that time in your life. About how you were rebelling, about," she swallows. She's never said the word in front of Emily, not that the brunette can remember. "About the abortion." Her hands tighten in Emily's, like an apology. "But you never told me how it made you feel. You never told me how any of that stuff made you feel, Emmy."
Emily looks down into her lap.
"Do you know why?" she asks.
JJ leans forward. She has tears in her eyes, but her expression rebuffs any comfort that Emily might want to offer. "Tell me why," she says softly, firmly. "Don't tell me what happened, Em. Tell me how you felt. And tell me why it makes you so scared of this new baby. Please."
Emily closes her eyes. JJ puts her hand on her cheek.
"I wanted the ambassador to tell me that I could have done it." It's hard to get the words out. She feels JJ lean closer, to listen. "I didn't want her to tell me it was okay. I didn't want her to try to change my mind. I just wanted her to say…"
"That you could have been a mother," JJ says softly.
Emily nods. "She didn't. She took me aside, when she left Rome, and I finally found the courage to tell her what had happened. She told me," Emily falters, and JJ scoots closer, slipping her hands up and under her t-shirt. Emily focuses on the feel of her wife's hands on her skin. She takes a breath.
"She told me that it was probably for the best. She told me, she didn't see me as a maternal type. She said it was all well and good. 'Prentisses don't take well to mothering or being mothered.' That's a direct quote."
JJ shakes her head. "Oh, Em" JJ sounds completely distraught. "How can you think that? You're amazing with Henry. You're his Momma."
"And he's all you, Jen," Emily says, hearing her voice crack. "He came from you, and he's beautiful and great and totally…easy to love."
"This baby's going to be all of those things," JJ answers immediately, but Emily pulls away. She stands up, the energy of her nerves not allowing her to sit still.
"That baby is going to be a Prentiss," she says. "I thought that if I didn't carry, I wouldn't worry about…I wouldn't be afraid that I couldn't…"
JJ stands too. "Emily."
"The Murphys were two wonderful, loving, attentive parents and they still gave birth to a sociopath who ended up shoving model plane parts down his little brother's throat."
JJ blinks confusedly at this, trying to keep up. "And you think, what, you think your DNA will spawn a sociopath?"
"What if it does?" In the back of her mind, Emily knows she sounds irrational. She can't help herself.
JJ spreads her arms out. "As…some kind of punishment?"
"Or because what my mother said is true? Because Prentisses aren't…aren't loveable."
"I love you!" The way JJ says it is accusatory. "I love you so much that when you say things like that about yourself, I want to pull my heart out and show it to you, so that you'll know."
"Jen…"
"Come here."
"I…"
"Come here," JJ commands, and Emily doesn't have a choice. She lets JJ put her arms around her waist. They kiss. "Do you remember the night we kissed for the first time? When you got back from Stabler's wedding?"
Emily nods.
"Do you remember what I said to you?"
Another nod.
"Well this time, it's my fault too. I know how you are, and I should know by now that waiting for you to let yourself have something isn't going to work. You are the queen of self sacrifice, Emily Prentiss. It's not a habit I can break you of. I see that now. But I won't let you continue to practice it. Not with me."
"JJ, I don't understand what-"
"We're having your baby," she says firmly. "We're completing our family. We're in it. So talk to me. Tell me why you're scared. Tell me why you're happy. Tell me what you thought about breakfast this morning. Not what you had, Emily, what you thought about it."
Emily stares at her.
"Tell me what you are thinking. Start small. Start anywhere." JJ presses a kiss to her chin. "But start now."
And Emily tilts her head back, thinking. They stand like that for a long time, until finally Emily drops her head into the bend of JJ's neck, exhaling like she's been underwater for a long, long time.
"Yesterday," she says. "I saw a commercial that almost made me cry…."
…..
…..
She gives in and makes the call when she is still an hour outside of DC, instructing her handsfree with a voice that will not hold steady.
JJ picks up on the third ring, and Emily feels immediately calmer.
"Hey you!" she sounds genuinely happy to hear from her. Emily misses her like she would a limb.
"Hey," she replies, and then finds that she can't say anything else.
JJ, it seems, has the opposite problem. "It's so good to hear your voice. Henry and I just came in from a run, we went all the way to the mall and back. It's such a nice day. And I was just thinking about you. I was thinking…" but she stops abruptly with a little intake of breath, possibly embarrassed.
"Tell me," Emily says, smiling fondly at the road in front of her.
"Well…you left last Sunday. I won't see you until Monday, which is two days from now. That's eight days." She pauses here, expectantly, and even though Emily thinks she knows where this conversation is going, even though her heart leaps with happiness, she doesn't answer. She can't take that chance.
"I've come to the realization," JJ says, though she sounds a little bit more cautious, "that it's the longest we've gone without seeing each other since you joined the team."
Emily knows. That is the reason for her call.
"Eight days," Emily says, and JJ cuts her off, sounding increasingly nervous.
"Is that pathetic?" she asks, "God. It is, isn't it? I just meant that-"
"Jennifer," Emily likes it that calling her colleague by her full name always makes her stop short. "Do you want to know why I called?" She keeps her voice neutral, maybe even a little hard. She hears JJ take a breath.
"Yes," she says quietly. "Yes, I'm sorry. What's up?"
Emily grips the wheel. "I've missed you," she says, rushing. "And that little cherub you call a son. It's been too long since I've seen you. Do you want to do something tonight?"
JJ, unlike Emily, does not waste any time. "How far away are you?" She asks as soon as the sentence has left Emily's mouth.
"Forty five minutes," Emily says with a chuckle.
JJ's answer is immediate again. "Come over," she says, and then, with a laugh. "Will you?"
"Yeah," Emily says. Everything seems brighter now. "Yeah. I'll see you soon."
"I can't wait," JJ says, and it sounds like her mouth has gotten closer to the receiver.
..
Dinner is simple, just spaghetti and meatballs. Emily watches from the doorway as JJ cleans Henry in the sink, laughing when he gets red sauce in her hair. Henry looks up at her over his mother's shoulder and grins. "Mimi!" He says, out of nowhere. He giggles at her wide eyes. "Mimi!" he reaches for her.
"What did he-?" Emily meets JJ's eyes. She is looking back, anxious.
"He started saying that the other day," she says quickly. "I went to put him down for his nap and he wouldn't settle. Kept asking for 'mimi…' I thought he was asking for a stuffed animal or a blanket, but…"
"Mimi!" Henry says again, reaching over his mother again. "Mimi!"
Emily is lost for words.
"I told him you were coming. He got so excited. I thought…you could put him down tonight?" JJ finishes drying Henry's hands and lifts him onto her hip. "Only if you want," she says, turning to face Emily.
"I-I want to," she says. And JJ hands her son over, as though it is the most natural thing in the world. As though Emily is right where she is supposed to be. Henry snuggles against her, his downy head coming to rest on her shoulder. She turns away from JJ, more so that the other woman doesn't see the tears in her eyes, and heads towards Henry's bedroom.
Inside, she lays him down in his crib, pulling a blanket up around him. He grasps her hand, but his eyes are already dropping shut.
"I love you," she whispers, cognizant of the glowing monitor on the dresser. "I love you, Henry."
"Mimi," he murmurs, and his hand lets go of hers.
She stands, just looking at him for a long time, until noise from the other room shakes her from her thoughts. She heads back into the kitchen and stops dead, staring.
JJ is standing there, facing away from the door, towards the sink. She has taken off her shirt, and is dressed now in just her bra and her jeans.
Emily stares at the black lace, at the pale smooth skin, the dip of JJ's back into her jeans. She stares so intensely that JJ must be able to feel her there, because she turns abruptly, coloring.
"Henry's not the best hand washer," she says with a nervous chuckle, brandishing her wet t-shirt just as Emily lowers her eyes, sputtering.
"I'm sorry, I didn't know you were changing. I…I'll be in the, in the, um," Emily starts to back up, but JJ advances. She is smiling.
"Em," JJ says, sounding calm. "Wait." She grabs Emily's wrist, holding her back. "Wait,"
"JJ," Emily is aware that she sounds as though she's in pain. She is in pain. Her longing for JJ has reached a sort of fever pitch. Something about seeing Olivia with Alex…something about it had freed her. "Please," she says, without looking around. "I'll just be in the living room."
"No," JJ says forcefully, and she tugs at Emily's wrist until she can put the brunette's hand on her bare stomach.
"God," Emily hisses.
"I don't want to wait anymore," JJ says. "I can't wait anymore, Em. Jesus. My one year old son knows you belong here." She presses Emily's hand harder against her skin. "Emmy. Please look at me."
Emily shakes her head. "I can't," she says, and there's nothing to tell her at this point except the truth. "If I keep looking at you…like that, I'll kiss you."
JJ laughs. "God, I hope so," she says. "It's the only thing I've wanted from the moment you pulled in the driveway."
So Emily turns, and presses her lips to JJ's. She backs her up against the fridge and kisses her and kisses her until the blonde is panting, hands tugging at Emily's shirt, tucked snugly into her waistline.
"Be patient," Emily whispers, holding firmly to JJ's ribcage with both of her hands.
JJ moans. "I've been patient for three years," she breathes.
Emily laughs, and pulls her hands away so she can lift her own shirt over her head. JJ gasps, and bites her lip, her eyes wandering down the length of Emily's torso.
It is so, so good to be home.
…
It is 2:30 in the morning when Emily's phone rings. She rolls over, disoriented, not used to her ring tone so early. Usually it is JJ who receives crack of dawn calls.
"Prentiss," she says groggily.
"Emily?" The voice is very familiar. Emily tries to cajole her sleep addled brain into functioning. "Emily," the voice says again, "it's Alex Cabot."
Now Emily sits up, panic jumpstarting her senses. "Alex. Are you okay? Is Liv okay? What's happened?"
Beside her, JJ sits up, awake as well. "Em?"
Alex draws a deep breath, like she's steadying herself, and isn't this every single nightmare she's ever had? Getting this call from Alex or Maura, her sister gunned down on the job. Hearing too late to do anything but weep.
"Alex? Is it Liv? Is she okay?"
JJ is already out of bed, pulling on her jeans.
"She's missing," Alex sobs. Her tears throw Emily more than the actual words. When was the last time the counselor lost control. "She's been taken."
"We're coming," Emily says, and as she pushes back the covers, JJ hands her her own pair of jeans.
In the background, Emily can hear Michael, Olivia and Alex's two year old start to wail. "I-I have to call Jane," Alex sounds so unlike herself that Emily is finding it hard to breathe.
"No you don't," she says. "JJ's calling her right now. You focus on your son, and staying safe until we get there. Alex?" She says because it seems as though the line might have gone dead.
But no, there she is, back on the line, hushing her son. "Sorry. I'm sorry I-"
"Alex, is anyone with you? Is anyone there?"
"Rollins just got here. Fin's on his way. I don't know where Olivia keeps Michaels spare pacifiers. I don't-" Emily looks at JJ, and her expression must deliver the message completely, because her wife takes her own cell phone away from her face and hands it to Emily.
"Switch," she says, before taking Emily's cell phone and pressing it to her ear.
"Alex?" she says softly. "Hang on, honey, okay? We'll be there. Stay on with me as long as you need. We're coming."
Emily watches JJ leave the room, heading to Henry's bedroom, and she listens to the ringing in her ear. She is startled when the sleep hoarse, but panicked voice of Jane Rizzoli rings out.
"JJ? What is it? Is Emily okay? JJ?"
"It's me, Jane," she says. "I'm fine."
"Jesus-" Jane starts, but Emily doesn't let her finish.
"Wake Maura though, okay?"
Jane's answer is a clipped, "What's happened?"
Emily sees JJ move past the open door, both their go bags over her shoulder, holding tight to Henry's hand.
"It's Liv," she says. "We've gotta go to New York."
…
…...
Welcome to part II. 9 more chapters here and then we're done. And an epilogue...
I'm sorry this one is so long….I hope it didn't drag for you guys.
The case Emily mentions about the Murphys is 4x21 a Shade of Grey. I spoiled it for you, pretty badly, but it's still a great one, so check it out if you get a chance.
K. onward.
Happy reading
tc