Not Alone
Chapter X "Virtue and Vice"
Disclaimer: Mass Effect belongs to BioWare.
Whatever the prophecy
Let it be, let it be
We'll live all there is to live
Be it pleasure, be it sorrow
Whatever prosperity
Lies in me, lies in me
I'll be all that I can be
My forever starts tomorrow
-Delain "Virtue and Vice"
101010101
It shouldn't have bothered him.
Watching Shepard and Kaidan together shouldn't have bothered him. Yet it did. He couldn't figure out why. Was it because he was in love with Shepard?
Instantly, Garrus could hear his father's voice in his head laughing at him. How could he love a human?
Garrus pushed that voice out of his head. It didn't bother him that Shepard was a human. She was stronger than any Turian he knew, even his own father.
His father failed to get him to see the importance of rules and protecting innocents. Shepard was the one who helped shape him into a better soldier, a better person.
Yet, the memory of Kaidan kissing Shepard still brought pain to his chest. It felt like he was losing her all over again, the same way he lost her two years ago. Garrus' eyes grew foggy again.
"Sir?"
Hastily, the turian Spectre rubbed his eyes before bringing his attention to the turian behind him. "What is it," Garrus asked.
The Turian, a member of Garrus' crew, handed the Spectre a data pad. "I finished decrypting the kidnappers' database and submitted it to the Council. Here's a copy."
Garrus felt his veins turn to ice. He couldn't help but glare at his crew memer. "What do you mean you forwarded it to the Council? I do that myself!" He didn't mean to scold the Turian in front of him, but he wanted to look over the information first to see if Shepard's name was on it. Even with her fake ID he didn't want to risk the Council wanting to question her.
"I—I'm sorry, sir. I assumed you wanted me to decrypt it because you wanted me to submit it. Normally you just submit information to the Council and let them decrypt it."
Garrus felt his whole body warm up with the heat of anger. What his crew member said was true, however. He quickly took a deep breath to calm himself.
"You're right. I just wanted to see the information first, just in case they recently sold off anyone and if we were in a position to retrieve them."
The Turian nodded and left when Garrus dismissed him.
Once he found her name his heart threatened to jump up to his neck. Not only was Shepard's fake name listed, but her real one was right next to it. Worse, they were going to ransom her to Cerberus, and they were on their way to make the transaction. Shepard wasn't safe here anymore.
10101
This isn't right.
Shepard tried to pull away from her kiss with Kaidan, but her back was flat against her bed. Instead, she placed her good hand on his chest and softly pushed him away. He looked at her with a confused and hurt expression.
"What's wrong," he asked.
Shepard's eyes unconsciously turned to the door, she expected Garrus to be standing nearby. His lack of presence made her feel uneasy. Something didn't feel right. Was it because of Kaidan?
She looked at him for a long moment, her gaze studying his strong facial structure, his intelligent eyes, down to his full lips. She had spent months missing those lips, wishing she could feel them upon her own, craving to feel them on her body again.
But something within her changed.
She didn't know the cause, but feeling his lips on her own just now didn't feel right anymore. She felt as if there was something lacking, something empty. Kissing Kaidan was like kissing a shadow. A distant memory.
"Jane," Kaidan whispered. He leaned forward and kissed her again, but he slowly pulled away when he felt she didn't kiss him back.
Still, Shepard didn't respond. What could she say? She no longer loved him?
Then she realized it. She spent months missing him. Now it felt like she spent those months grieving both him and her, she mourned them together as lovers. She also realized what he said was true. He wasn't there for her when she needed him most. When she had no allies, no friends, no one but an enemy to support her in her fight against the Reapers.
Instead, Garrus was always there.
It finally hit her. Everything she went through, Garrus was always standing next to her. He was always there to help, or to pick her up and clean her messes. He never complained, he never got angry. She can only remember seeing disappointment in his eyes when she had fallen so many times recently.
Thinking of him gave her the sudden urge to look to her side, but sadly Garrus was nowhere in sight. But her eyes quickly took note of one small change in the room; there was food on the table next to the door.
A small smile grew on her face; she knew Garrus had to have left the food there. But, the smile quickly faded, he probably walked in on her and Kaidan when they were kissing.
"Jane."
Jarred from her thoughts, Shepard looked to Kaidan. He looked worried.
The door suddenly opening stole Shepard's attention, she turned and watched as Garrus walked briskly to her, a bag in his hands.
Despite Turians unable to express emotions as a human, Shepard was still able to see the tense in his eyes and his stiff walk to know that something was wrong. The bag he carried contained her clothes.
"Shepard, we need to leave. Now," Garrus told her.
"Wha—hang on a minute," said Kaidan. He stood up but was quickly pulled away by Garrus.
Shepard took her clothes back without any comment, she knew to follow Garrus' word. He grabbed Kaidan and forced him to stand next to him so they both were facing the wall and their backs to her. A small smile grew in the corner of her mouth, Garrus was always a gentleman. Or was it a Turian thing? Regardless, she shoved such thoughts aside and tried to get into her clothes as quickly as possible. Her body felt stiff and sore.
"Now's not the time to ask, Alenko. Trust me that I have to get Shepard out of here," Garrus told the shorter male.
Kaidan shook his head. "What's going on that you have to force Shepard out of bed? She's still recovering."
Shepard got her shoes in before Garrus could respond. She touched his arm, "I'm ready."
Garrus quickly analyzed her, as if looking to see if she might fall over. "I got the okay to get you dismissed from the hospital. But we need to leave immediately."
Shepard nodded and followed him out of the room, her eyes unconsciously drifted on the food placed beside the door. She couldn't remember the last time she ate, but she couldn't control her hands when they reached for the small meal.
Having Garrus and Kaidan at either side of her felt all too familiar, and for a moment she forgot that Kaidan shouldn't be following her and Garrus at all. It wasn't until she and Garrus were ready to board his ship when the Turian placed his hand between the ships entrance and Kaidan.
"You can't follow us," Garrus said bluntly.
"Like hell I can't!"
Shepard placed her hand on Garrus' arm again; she could immediately feel the tension ease at her touch. Kaidan noticed her touch, but she found herself not caring if he was jealous.
"Kaidan, did you come in your own ship," she asked.
"No, I came alone on a public transport. I'm on leave."
The woman nodded. "Then if we really do need to leave now then I say we can just give him a ride."
Garrus remained silent for a long moment. Shepard could tell he didn't like the idea judging by his outer mandibles twitching.
"Fine," Garrus muttered dangerously.
10101
For whatever reason they had to leave so urgently, Shepard didn't know. She tried to ask Garrus, but he refused to speak with Kaidan so close, and he didn't seem to trust the guy alone while he spoke to her privately.
The meal helped immensely. Not too long ago she was in surgery, and she found out from Garrus that cybernetics had to be used to reconstruct her arm. She spent most of her time flexing her arm about while Garrus seemed to avoid her, but he still stayed close enough to keep an eye on Kaidan.
Finally, Kaidan pulled her into what looked to be a conference room.
"Jane," he said. His face spoke volumes, he was tired of Shepard avoiding him throughout their lengthy journey to, and well Garrus never did say where they were heading.
Sighing, Shepard took advantage of one of the nearby seats. She motioned for Kaidan to sit across from her. However, he shook his head and simply crossed his arms over his chest.
"I'll stand," he said sternly.
The woman nodded. What could she tell Kaidan? That she no longer loves him? Should she mention Garrus at all? No, that would cause more tension between them. He was better off not knowing.
"Jane," Kaidan whispered.
Shepard was surprised to see Kaidan so close to her when she looked up. She didn't hear him walk towards her at all. But she instantly noticed a different emotion in his eyes. He no longer appeared angry or annoyed, he simply looked…remorseful.
He placed a hand on her arm. "I get it, you're mad at me," he told her. He leaned closer to her, almost kissed her. "Just know that I do love you."
This time he did kiss her, gently to the point where it almost didn't even feel like a kiss. He seemed to have waited for a response from her before continuing on.
Damn it, Kaidan!
No, it was too quick for Shepard to be feeling like this again. She mourned their love months ago! She shouldn't be craving his lips on hers again. Her mind grew foggy from lust, longing, and partially from confusion.
She was confused about her feelings. Just hours ago she didn't feel anything from his kisses. Now she was getting a response. Was it because hours ago his kiss was sudden and she was still shocked from everything? She just woke up from a stressful situation, she was still recovering mentally and physically. Now, she had a lot of time to think. Did she still love Kaidan? Or does she love Garrus? Or was she confusing her love with Garrus for something else?
Her mind hurt from so many thoughts. She just wanted to push them away and distract herself. The soft kiss from Kaidan put her into a blind frenzy. She had to feel his lips again. Maybe she just needed one more moment with him, to see if she would feel anything afterward.
She felt Kaidan back away. Her eyes opened, she grabbed his shirt and pulled his face to hers and met his lips with hers. Her own kiss wasn't soft like his, it was rough and hungry.
She stood and kissed him deeper, her arms circled around his neck. Feeling his tongue enter her mouth clouded her mind even more. She felt his hands on her shoulders, down to her arms, and then to her waist. A soft moan escaped her when he pushed himself onto her.
For months she missed his touch, his kisses. She missed him so much. Now she was remembering why she would sleep with anyone at Omega. She tried to find someone who had the same touch and kisses as he. She tried to replace him.
A cold draft on her naked torso tore her thoughts to the present. She couldn't remember when she took off her shirt, or if Kaidan did so, but she didn't care. Her mind quickly became cloudy with lust when she felt Kaidan's warm tongue on her skin.
"Kaidan," she gasped.
She was so lost in him that she nearly screamed when she heard a heavy banging on the door.
All lust cold and forgotten, Shepard swiftly reached for her clothes.
Garrus waited on the other side of the door.
Shepard suddenly felt so guilty she fought desperately to keep her meal down. Why did she feel guilty?
Never mind her confused feelings; she quickly noted the glares Garrus and Kaidan exchanged. She didn't know if they were about to punch each other or, worse, shoot each other. She stepped in, ready to intervene. But instead, Garrus stepped aside.
"We've arrived at Bekenstein. We're in Council space, so you'll be safe here, Shepard." He avoided her gaze, he just led her and Kaidan to the ships exit.
"The Council is grounding me here for an emergency," he looked to the shorter male. "I trust you'll keep Shepard safe. She'll let you know where our place is should she ever need to go back."
"Garrus—"
The Turian motioned Kaidan closer to him, he spoke softly so only he could hear. "I'm letting you two get some time together because it's what she needs." Garrus had to take a moment to compose himself. Never had he wanted to punch Kaidan so badly. "She's safe here; don't go anywhere else outside of Council space. I need to talk with a contact here to make sure the people that were after her don't find her again."
Kaidan frowned. "Who's after her?"
Garrus shook his head. "It's better you don't know. It isn't a big deal, I'll take care of everything. Just keep her safe. If you don't, I will find you."
The Alliance soldier nodded. Perhaps it was better that he didn't know what Garrus wasn't telling him. He motioned Shepard to follow him.
"Garrus," Shepard said sternly. "What is going on?"
He finally looked at her. Reading the emotion in his eyes made her heart feel heavy and painful. "Just go with him, it's what you need. And want. You know where I am and how to contact me if you need help."
He didn't let her talk. He turned and left.
10101
Never had he wanted to kill someone so badly.
He was close to killing several people during his trip back to the Citadel. He gave his report to the Council, and was close to strangling all of them when they insisted he take some time off for a job well done.
He didn't need a vacation. It was the last thing he needed. He needed to be busy, catching criminals. Then he would have an excuse to kill someone and not be penalized for it.
Anything and everything was either going wrong for him or just pissed him off. He barely made it to their apartment when…no it was his apartment. Shepard won't want to come back. At least not to live with him. If she did come back it was so she could take her things. Or maybe she won't even have to go. Kaidan would get her anything she needed or wanted.
Thinking about that man boiled his veins. Of all people he would want to kill it would be him. No, if he did that then Shepard would never forgive him. She would break again. He never wanted that to happen again.
Without meaning to, images of Kaidan and Shepard together, and what they were so close to doing in his ship finally made him snap. The first thing Garrus grabbed was quickly hurled into a wall.
10101
Shepard jolted awake, for a moment she didn't know where she was or that she was asleep and dreamt. She felt steel against her arm and tried to jump away from it.
"Whoa, Jane!"
Hitting something soft, Shepard grunted in surprise and summoned a biotic to her hand.
"Jane!"
Arms grabbed her shoulders, friendly hands, and not cold, robotic arms. She was sweating and breathing hard, her lungs hurt with every deep breath she took.
"Jane?"
She took a moment to calm her nerves. Slowly, she realized she was dreaming. She wasn't on Earth, evading Reapers and watching so many people die. She couldn't shake off the sight of watching that child die.
"Where am I," she asked. She looked around her but didn't recognize anything.
It was Kaidan who had his hands on her shoulders. His eyebrows were raised in shock. "It's okay. We got a room for the night. You fell asleep on the ride here."
Shepard sat up from the bed and paced. Her throat was dry. She found a mini fridge and was grateful there was water in it. Kaidan didn't press her for more information, thankfully. He waited as she took long gulps.
Her thirst gone, Shepard tried to recollect everything that happened. She was still confused on what was dream and what wasn't. Then she remembered Garrus.
Guilt and pain hit her again. Then she remembered everything she thought about since Garrus' departure. Without lust clouding her judgment, she was able to think clearly. She looked at Kaidan, he was still watching her and waiting patiently.
Still silent, Shepard went to him and kissed him. He didn't respond at first, probably from surprise, but the moment passed and he eagerly returned the kiss.
Garrus came to her mind again and the guilt intensified.
I can't do this.
Shepard pulled back from the kiss, perhaps a bit too roughly. She just stared at Kaidan for a long time and ignored his questions. Did she love Kaidan or Garrus?
You wouldn't feel guilt if you truly love him.
The guilt quickly faded, but the pain remained. She turned her gaze back to Kaidan and slowly shook her head.
"I'm sorry, Kaidan. I can't."
He frowned. "You can't what?"
He moved to touch her, but Shepard quickly moved away. She couldn't let him touch her least she fall back into lusts temptation.
"You moved on."
It was more of a statement than a question. Kaidan's frown remained on his face.
"I…did," he replied.
"Then why did you come back?"
The male biotic sighed. "I love you, Shepard. I had to come back."
Shepard shook her head. "I'm sorry, Kaidan. I…moved on too."
Kaidan jumped to his feet. "You moved on? Then what was that back there?"
She shook her head again. "I was…somewhere deep down I missed you for so long I just wanted to be with you one last time." She forced her eyes to look into his. "But that would've been a mistake. I would've…it was good we didn't get that far."
Kaidan's shoulders slumped, and for a moment he looked angry. "You can't make me lose you again, Jane."
"I'm sorry, Kaidan." She lost control of her body. She searched for her shoes and began putting them on. She had no other belongings luckily. She didn't have money either, but Garrus gave her access to his bank account, she was sure she would find a branch somewhere.
The male biotic surprisingly didn't try to stop her.
"Like you said, you weren't there when I needed you. Someone else was. And I've fallen in love with him," she paused before she shut the door behind her. She turned one final time to Kaidan. "You'll grow to forget about me and move on again."
10101
The last thing Shepard expected to see in their apartment was nearly everything broken or sprawled on the floor. Even the television was broken. Fearing the worst, Shepard ran to the other rooms to search for any sign of Garrus. She was terrified to see any blood.
"Garrus?"
She found him in his room, sitting on his bed. Like the other rooms, everything was on the floor and broken. Seeing that he wasn't hurt relieved a lot of weight from her shoulders. But the pain she could clearly see in his eyes nearly brought her to tears. The last time she saw such pain was back on Mindoir.
"What happened?"
"Why did you come back," he replied. He kept his eyes downward.
Shepard stepped up to him. He refused to look at her so she knelt down and placed her hands on his legs. He tensed at her touch. Still, he kept his eyes glued to the ground.
"Garrus," she began softly, "I almost made a mistake."
He seemed to tense even more and moved to stand up, most likely to leave.
Shepard kept a firm grip on his legs.
"I came back for you."
That sparked some life in him. He looked at her finally.
"What?"
Shepeard offered him a smile which immediately awoken something else in him. She reached for his hand.
"It took me some time to realize it, when Kaidan came back I was…confused for a moment. Deep down I just wanted one more moment with him, kind of to make peace with those feelings before giving them up. But I was also confused about you."
Garrus' eyes narrowed and his outer mandibles continuously moved. Yet he remained silent.
"I've been messed up for so long that I was afraid to lose the one good thing I thought I had. When I lost that as well I just…ignored a lot of stuff around me. I was too blind to see you." With that, Shepard leaned forward and kissed his injured mandible.
The pain was gone from his blue eyes.
Finally, he spoke, "Shepard."
10101
She watched him, but he had nothing to say. He wasn't good at admitting his feelings.
"How did you know? I mean, how long have you known about how I…well…"
Shepard showed her special smile. "Honestly, I had no idea of your feelings until I stepped into this trash of an apartment and found you sitting in here. Then I put everything together."
Garrus nodded. He would expect Shepard to figure out something so complicated so quickly. She felt the same about him that he felt for her. It took long moments to finally accept that he wasn't dreaming. He felt a sudden burst of energy that he didn't know what to do with it. Should he do something? Touch her hair? Or her face? It was one thing to relieve stress with a woman, it was a completely different story when he actually loved the woman. And she loved him back.
She loved him back.
His hands were moving on their own as if by instinct. He cupped her face. She smiled again as she placed her hand over his. He wanted to do the same thing she did to him earlier, kiss her back. But Turians couldn't do that. That thought nearly extinguished his drive, but it was quickly forgotten when he felt Shepard's forehead on his own.
This was the only thing Turians could do. But Shepard didn't seem to mind. She moved her lips over to his mouth and kissed him.
All doubt was erased from his mind. With even more energy from before, Garrus stood and lifted Shepard. She wrapped her legs around his waist and draped her arms over his neck, their heads still touching. There was still one thing Turians had over lips. He was going to make sure Shepard wouldn't forget.
10101
Garrus awoke to the sound of a thermal clip slipping into its slot. Assuming the worst, Garrus jumped to his feet. He didn't have a weapon, but he didn't need one with what he was feeling now. Now that he was finally happy, he wasn't letting anyone taint that.
"Did I wake you?"
Breathing easier, Garrus realized it was just Shepard. But, she was in her N7 armor, and she had a pistol in her grip.
"Jane? What's going on?"
Shepard smiled. Since last night she loved hearing him call her by her first name. Then her smile faded and she activated her omni tool. "I got a message from Admiral Hackett. He needs me for a mission."
Garrus wasted no time in fetching his own armor and weapons, but he stopped when he felt Shepard's arms around his waist. Confused, he turned to her. "What's wrong? I'm going with you."
Shepard kissed his right mandible. "I'm afraid I will have to go alone for this one."
Something wasn't right. Actually, there were too many things that weren't right. "How did he even contact you? You can't go alone."
"He contacted me a while ago. I just hadn't checked my messages for a very long time. Until recently that is."
Garrus shook his head. "What's suddenly gotten you into…into…"
Shepard shrugged. "I'm tired of running. It's dawned on me that If I don't do something about the Reapers, something very bad is going to happen. I can't let that happen."
"What does that have to do with going on a mission alone for Admiral Hackett? The Alliance turned their back on you."
"Admiral Hackett has a lot of favors he owes me. It just turns out that this final favor might be enough to get him and an Alliance fleet to be at my back should I need it against some very old, powerful machines."
He understood. And with her mind set it would be impossible to convince Shepard not to go. "You have to leave now?"
"Yes. The sooner I get this over with, the sooner I can come back."
Garrus grabbed her in a tight hug. He wasn't ready to let her go. He wasn't ready for something bad to happen to her. But he couldn't do anything. He didn't know how long they stood like this, their arms around each other. Finally, she was the one who pulled away but not before kissing his right side of his face again.
"Be careful, Jane."
She gave him his smile again. "I will."
"And if you need help, know I'll be there."
She walked away, but was still facing him, only their hands entangled.
10101
You've always been there for me, Garrus. I know you'll never change that.
It hurt to leave him so quickly. But she lost too much time when she lost her way. Thanks to Garrus she wasn't broken anymore. He helped her to her feet. She was better now. And she had a better reason to fight other than for survival. She was going to fight the Reapers for a tomorrow. Now that her forever started tomorrow. With Garrus.
With a heavy heart, she left.
101010101
End
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A/N: Okay, so I wrote this chapter while waiting in line for Mass Effect 3, so please forgive any mistakes. I will try to return and fix them. Thank you everyone who read and enjoyed this story, most of my gratitude goes out to everyone who took the time to submit feedback to me. You guys are the reason why I kept going with this story. I'm still sorry for taking so long to post new chapters. Now, go out there and mother fucking role play in Mass Effect 3 and kill the Reapers for Garrus and Shepard to have their tomorrow! =D